Arguing after the Affair

March 19, 2014

The last two weeks have been the best we've had since her affair. On top of that, this last weekend has been by far the best I've had since May, 2013. But last night, we had a short spat - the first I can remember that didn't involve her infidelity.

For years now my main complaint was that she spent far too much time on the computer. Hours and hours at a time. She hasn't been as bad lately, but its still bothersome sometimes. We both can work upwards of 12 hour days, with me having two jobs, then coming in to help her with her part time job, which is immediately after her primary job.

Last night, as with most nights, as soon as we got home, she went to the computer. Our little girl, who is starting soccer soon (her first sport), asked if mom could help her practice - she is European and our daughter thinks that mom is some sort of soccer champion by default. She refused, as is most times the case. So our little girl and I went to the backyard to play soccer.

Dinner was quick last night, and as soon as we finished, she went back to the computer. She had already been on for two hours. Next was a quick trip to pick up a couple groceries. As soon as we're home? Back on the computer. At midnight, she finally logs off. This is not terribly uncommon.

As it has many times before, it led to an argument. I felt she was spending far too much time in front of the PC. When I tell her this, she responds with "Oh so I have to spend my time relaxing according to someone else's wishes and schedule!" Every time - it always comes down to "I'm tired and need o relax - this is how I do that!"

But when I pointed out that our daughter had been begging for her attention - again - and that I also work 12 hours, but can find 30 minutes for her - she responded with "Oh, so I guess you're the more considerate parent?"

I nearly blew up. The more considerate parent??? Well, lets see: I didn't spend 3 months ****ing someone other than her father. I wasn't the one who kicked her out of her home, sending her to her grandparents for days at a time, just to bring some piece of **** into her father's bed. I wasn't the one who made her father weep like a baby, worry him sick, argue constantly, and cause her to wonder aloud, "Why is daddy afraid of losing you, mamma?" I wasn't the one who was cold to their whole family, lying to their faces with every breath. I didn't put her whole life, home, and future in jeopardy. The more considerate parent? HAH! Why yes, I believe I am.

I held my breath - and kept most of that in, but it has seriously pissed me off all night and today. I don't understand why she has trouble understanding that I might need her to do a little bit more than playing god-damned Skyrim right now. I really don't mind her playing games, etc, online, but the amount of time is completely inappropriate, especially considering the situation.

Am I wrong? Should I just let her have her time to relax? Sacrifice my desire for some time with her in order to keep her content? I already feel like I'm working harder on our relationship than she is. The way things have been, you'd think *I* was the one who cheated and was trying to make it up to *her.*

I don't know. Just another bad day. Thanks for letting me rant.

March 19, 2014

Recovering from an affair takes more then the WW to stop banging the OM.

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Reading that book will give you the insight to see if you and your WW have done all the work to get past the affair.

Then follow up with Dr H's other book His Needs Her Needs to make your marriage better post affair.

March 19, 2014

Recovering from an affair takes more then the WW to stop banging the OM.

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Reading that book will give you the insight to see if you and your WW have done all the work to get past the affair.

Then follow up with Dr H's other book His Needs Her Needs to make your marriage better post affair.

Read it. Twice.

March 19, 2014

Doesn't sound like she is doing any personal work at all. So she stopped cheating with a dude but she is ignoring her family to play video games. That breeds contention. It can also be a good way to cheat though I hate saying that because I hate fear mongering. But I don't like the sound of her attitude.

So lets look at you because she isn't here. Do you want an uninvolved wife? I think you can continue to express your dislike of how much she plays games until you feel like a nag. Or you can consider divorce. It may seem silly divorcing over video games after you stayed when cheated on but here is the thing. She is still being very selfish. And irrationaly so. She should be working on that and being honest with herself instead of justifyig why she ignores your child.

I would serve her with divorce papers and let her know that you can't be married to someone who isn't willing to be involved in the marriage. I am not saying this is the only choice but that os what I see. You don't have to worry about losing too much time with your kid because she obviously needs way to much "me" time and being a single mom woul really suck that away for her.

Is there a chance you guys could change your work schedules?

March 19, 2014

Timmons - Sorry to say, but your wife seems to be a very selfish, "it's all about me" type of person. She can't find even a few minutes for her daughter? It's a shame because your daughter will grow quickly and your wife will never again have some of these opportunities.

How does your wife think that you two will mend your marriage if she is glued to her computer every night until midnight? You two need cuddling and talking time after your daughter goes to bed. The fact that she puts her computer time before you is making a strong statement about her priorities. Do you know what she is doing for all of those hours on the computer? I would be concerned that she is having another affair. I think you need to turn off her computer tonight and have a talk. If she does not want to spend any of her free time with you every day, why should you stay married to her?

I never understood people glued to their computers, cell phones, etc. Outside of work and this website, I am never on my computer. I would rather be interacting with real people in real life.

March 19, 2014

Timmos... reading your posts breaks my heart - I am so sad for you.

I don't know what to say...

Regardless of how many books I read, how much counseling I get, I will never understand how someone can neglect or turn their back on family. Your daughter sounds precious. Your wife is missing out on something that she will never be able to get back. I am also sorry for her.

You sound like a wonderful person - having gone through the turbulence of an affair speaks volumes about you. Stay strong for your baby girl.

March 19, 2014

Fact is, she IS excluding herself from the whole family. I get she is tired after a long day at work but hello, she's a parent and hey, parents are supposed to SUCK IT UP and spend time with their kids, especially when asked to help with soccer. If she was doing some work-work on the computer, I can see why saying no at times would be acceptable but in this case it's selfish reasons. To come home and first thing she does is hop on the computer all the time like that? No way. You have a right to be angry about it. She is too distant from you all as a family unit.

Do you know what she is doing while on the computer? Is it just the game or is something else going on there?

Put your foot down and talk to her. As you said, you've put more effort in than she has, and it's time for her to do the same, put in effort etc. If she cant' do that, then maybe she needs to get help and/or you two should separate.

Edited March 19, 2014 by whichwayisup

March 19, 2014

Cancel your internet for a few months, get your family back. If she can't do that and feels the internet is more important than being a family than she is the wrong person for you. Give her the option, just don't give her too long to think about it because what you have now is very unhealthy. Better you know now rather than waste years of your life with someone in false reconciliation. Get professional help, don't attempt to fix this on your own.

March 19, 2014

Shes not having another online affair. The PC is in the dining room, which opens right into the living room. Not only do I have all her login information, but I can see the screen from just about anywhere.

This has been a MAJOR problem for YEARS. When I mention it, she always pulls the "You don't mean what you say - you tell me that you don't mind me playing games, but then you get mad about it!" nonsense. I understand that she likes to relax by playing around with the PC, but the amount of time is, frankly, obsessive.

Skyim, Facebook games, Pinterest, etc.

After DDay, she spent a great deal more time just sitting with me. A few hours each night, at least. Now its back to maybe an hour a night, before bed. Before her affair, I had tried for years to get her to agree to date night on Fridays - not going anywhere, just no computers. She agreed, but would not give up the PC. So again, "date night" was maybe an hour or so of us together.

I don't understand how, given the circumstances, she can continue with this. Especially after I've been busting my ass to make things better (large Valentines Day gifts, birthday at the spa with Hair, Makeup, Manicure, Massage, etc).

March 19, 2014

Cancel your internet for a few months, get your family back. If she can't do that and feels the internet is more important than being a family than she is the wrong person for you. Give her the option, just don't give her too long to think about it because what you have now is very unhealthy. Better you know now rather than waste years of your life with someone in false reconciliation. Get professional help, don't attempt to fix this on your own.

I'm still seeing my therapist. Shes about to go to her third session - where supposedly, the work really starts. After shes been for a while, we're going into MC. This has to be addressed.

March 19, 2014

It sounds like your wife has an internet addiction. She's using PC games to escape from reality. It's not just drugs and sex that people get addicted to. It's not a healthy coping mechanism at all. Are you in MC? If so, maybe you can discuss this in front of your counselor.

March 19, 2014

...She's using PC games to escape from reality....

This she admits openly. Part of the problem, yeah.

March 19, 2014

When I was reading about internet addictions, the majority of articles say that one of the biggest signs is isolating yourself from friends and family. Is she in IC?

March 19, 2014

Cancel your internet for a few months, get your family back. If she can't do that and feels the internet is more important than being a family than she is the wrong person for you. Give her the option, just don't give her too long to think about it because what you have now is very unhealthy. Better you know now rather than waste years of your life with someone in false reconciliation. Get professional help, don't attempt to fix this on your own.

Unplug your wireless router at night, or at specified agreed upon times.

March 19, 2014

This has been a MAJOR problem for YEARS. When I mention it, she always pulls the "You don't mean what you say - you tell me that you don't mind me playing games, but then you get mad about it!" nonsense. I understand that she likes to relax by playing around with the PC, but the amount of time is, frankly, obsessive.

Skyim, Facebook games, Pinterest, etc.

Exactly, there are periods of time for relaxing and being on computer for fun reasons, but she is doing it way too much and choosing to do that instead of spending time with family. Her saying no to her daughter about soccer was the absolute wrong choice! Your wife needs to start putting others first, above her own needs and that means when home, being present and involved, not hiding off on the computer to relax. She can relax WITH you and your daughter, watch a movie together etc.. Family time is family time.

After DDay, she spent a great deal more time just sitting with me. A few hours each night, at least. Now its back to maybe an hour a night, before bed. Before her affair, I had tried for years to get her to agree to date night on Fridays - not going anywhere, just no computers. She agreed, but would not give up the PC. So again, "date night" was maybe an hour or so of us together.

She needs to put much more effort into you and the marriage, she focuses too much on herself and her needs.

I don't understand how, given the circumstances, she can continue with this. Especially after I've been busting my ass to make things better (large Valentines Day gifts, birthday at the spa with Hair, Makeup, Manicure, Massage, etc).

She's selfish, that's why.

When was the last time she did something nice for you? Made a big effort?

March 19, 2014

This she admits openly. Part of the problem, yeah.

While admitting you have a problem is good. After all if you don't think you have a problem you will never get to the next step.

That is taking action to fix the problem. It is like a cheater saying they know their cheating is wrong but not stopping or tryin to. Actions not words are what matter.

Good she is in IC. Have you thought about staring Mc sooner?

March 19, 2014

She's using PC games to escape from reality.

I'm the BS and the only time i dont think about my wifes affair is when I'm playing. It calms me down. Whether its healthy or not, it works. However I'm escaping from a reality I didnt cause or ask for.

Coming from the WW spouse, its different. She needs to stop escaping from the reality she caused and fix it.

March 19, 2014

I'm the BS and the only time i dont think about my wifes affair is when I'm playing. It calms me down. Whether its healthy or not, it works. However I'm escaping from a reality I didnt cause or ask for.

Coming from the WW spouse, its different. She needs to stop escaping from the reality she caused and fix it.

Escaping reality is never good. Even if younare the victim. It just creates more problems. But I am assuming you are really just taking a break from the stress and are still dealing with everyday life and spending time with your child. Even if this story didn't have infidelity in it my advice would be the same. Even if e wqs the one that cheated my advice would be the same. You don't choose video games over your child daily and expect it not to affect your child.

March 19, 2014

Exactly, there are periods of time for relaxing and being on computer for fun reasons, but she is doing it way too much and choosing to do that instead of spending time with family. Her saying no to her daughter about soccer was the absolute wrong choice! Your wife needs to start putting others first, above her own needs and that means when home, being present and involved, not hiding off on the computer to relax. She can relax WITH you and your daughter, watch a movie together etc.. Family time is family time.

She needs to put much more effort into you and the marriage, she focuses too much on herself and her needs.

She's selfish, that's why.

When was the last time she did something nice for you? Made a big effort?

About a month or so after my birthday (no gifts, which is understandable, due to income being tight), she bought me a guitar amp. I hadn't had one in years. We'd stopped by a music store, sort of spur of the moment, and I was looking at one. She bought it. I'm sure there are other things, but...

March 19, 2014

What gets me is that I have told her some of the worst pain I feel is in regards to how I USED to feel about her. I was still in love with her, even after ten years. Its gone now. I need to feel that way again. I need to look at her with adoration again, and not as a reminder of what she has done. I made this very clear. I need to fall in love with her again - I will not keep torturing myself. Sometimes I wonder if shes even trying.

Sometimes I wonder if she thinks sex on a nightly basis will fix the problem. But I've told her a couple times: You're not going to f*** your way out of a problem you f***ed your way into.

March 19, 2014

I hope you won't take the following the wrong way:

What are you looking for out of your posting? I mean it's easier to sit here and for me to tell you to do one of a million things. I'm currently in a terrible relationship that I cannot let go of. Everyone in my life is telling me to walk away and I can't - it's a terrible addiction and I wouldn't wish it on my worst nightmare.

But to you -

I assume being with your little girl is the priority - so I am also guessing that you have no intention of divorcing her. Because if you did, you would have.

So you're sitting trying to negotiate for your happiness but you can't because you're not willing to walk away. By the way, that's admirable, and makes you an amazing father. But it means you're wasting your time trying to change this woman's mind.

I'd tell your wife that her focus on everything but her family is killing you inside, it's not that she spends her free time a certain way but because its obvious but what the two of you want is different. And that you're committed to your marriage but you're not going to try to convince a grown woman to prioritize her daughter and her husband. If she won't, that's on her.

And then I'd go to individual counseling and I'd do everything they said to help you deal with your coping mechanisms so that your anger doesn't spill over to your little girl. And I'd only go to MC if she suggests it (she won't).

The only way she'll suggest MC is if you actually are willing to get divorced. And even then she's probably only a 50% shot to give a damn.

If I were you I would chalk up the benefits of your marriage as your daughter, focus there, and focus on you, refuse to let her break you into a terrible depression, get as strong personally as you can, and let her waste her life away on the computer. This doesn't mean to be cold or to change anything about you, it just means you have to adopt the 12 steps motto that you can only control what you can control, and that you have to do deep deep work on yourself to get to where her rejection does not ruin you.

I realize this advise is counter to a lot on here, so I only give it as my own perspective, as someone who cannot get out of his own way - but it's the advice I would give myself in your position.

Best of luck!

March 19, 2014

Read it. Twice.

Your WW needs to read it. Has she?

March 19, 2014

Wait. Did you say that your wife brought her lover into your HOME and screwed him in your MARITAL BED putting your health at risk for STD's.

The symbolism of this is huge and is the ultimate in humiliation and disrespect toward you. She symbolically defecated on your marriage. How was this not a deal breaker for you? If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been so accepting and forgiving as you.

I have a hunch that you are one of the nice guys and she realized this. She knew that she could screw her brains out with another man even bringing him into your home and your bed and if caught she knew you would forgive her anyway. She knew therefore she really had nothing to lose. Holy smokes. If you do not respect yourself then who will since your wife obviously does not.

March 20, 2014

It really sounds as if you don't actually have a "marriage." You have a woman living in the same house, but rarely interacting with you. She'd much rather spend all of her time wrapped up in her fantasies online. She's already pretty much checked out of your relationship, she proved that with the OM didn't she. Are you only staying with her for the sake of the children? Is that enough reason to have to keep putting up with her distance and disrespect. She's only a housemate. Doesn't sound like such a good deal to me.

March 20, 2014

Sounds like you are a fixer-probably always have been-you give more of yourself than others to rectify a situation-your wife is probably use to this and has not developed the skill set to do her part because you have always picked up the slack-I also believe in year one us BS tend to do so much to try to fix things that we get a little manic about it-

I don't see you as weak or a doormat- I see you as a doer, a giver- I see her as a taker- you need to have a very direct and honest conversation with her on what it will take to reconcile and stick to it-try to not soften the edges too much but be kind- take on the issues head on and remember-your love is a gift- especially under these circumstances and she needs to be worthy of it-

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