my guy still lives at home...is it me, or is this wierd?

January 27, 2005

Would it bother you if your man still lived at home?

Mine does, and having to say hey, and do the niceties with his mom is getting kind of annoying, because she tends to ask a lot of questions. Maybe its because she's a stay at home mom or something, but sometimes I wish she wasnt so,,,well "involved" in her son's life.

I'm not used to being with someone who still lives at home with his parents. Its a whole different thing. I moved out of my mom's house when I was 18. I know everyone's different, but in the back of my head, it just seems well...you know, wierd. He's 20, why's he still living at home, dont most guys move out-first chance they get? He doesnt have a lot of money, but then again, I have friends who bust their butts workin so that they can live on their own.

The thing is..he's not even trying to move out...he's super comfortable right where he is. He's not even saving up a nest egg, so that he can move out...

Another thing, I just started my new job, and we didnt have a lot of time to be together before, but now its definitely limited to just 2 days a week for like an hour at a time! Im in school full time, and working. He's just working, part time. Its needless to say he's got a lot more free time than I do, so making this work is really tough, because he thinks I dont want to spend time with him, but the truth is I WANT to, I just wish I had more time, period.

He really is such a great guy!!! I feel like if I let him go, then I would really be losing an amazing person in my life...

I am at a crossroads, I would like to know what you guys think about the situation

January 27, 2005

20 is really young and I think its fine to still live at home. The two things that would bother me are this:

1. Why is he only working part-time if he's not going to school? Lazy? He should at least work full time if he's not in college.

2. Does he pay rent? He should. Does his mom do his laundry? Fix his lunch? He should do these things for himself.

Living at home is a lot different than being dependent on your parents. Sometimes living at home makes a lot of sense, but he shouldn't allow himself to be babied.

January 27, 2005

In all bluntness - it sounds as though the issue is not simply your guy living at home, but the two of you being at different stages in your lives. It sounds like you know what you want and you're going after it, whereas he is happier to just coast along. Do you see it this way as well? If so, you have to ask yourself whether that's a deal-breaker or not. In my case, a guy with no ambition is a no-no b/c I'm scared of getting dragged down into that laziness. Others I know appreciate this more b/c it allows them a no stress environment in which to relax. Only you know how you feel on this.

Also, maybe consider the old standard of a pros and cons list - you didn't say the reasons you think he's amazing, but if you outline for yourself the things that annoy you and the things you cherish, it might put things in a more objective perspective. Good luck.

January 27, 2005

My best friend lived at home until he was almost 27 years old, he went away to college for three semester right after high school but for the most part he was at home for almost 27 years. During that time he spent a lot of time unemployed or just working part time. But he ended up getting married and got an apartment with his wife and now has a full time job (not that great of one, but at least its a job) and they recently had a kid. His family took good care of him so I think that made him not in that great of a hurry to move out. But he eventually did. So if you really like this guy be patient for a little bit and see if he gets his act together. 20 is still pretty young and people that age can still have a lot of growing up to do.

January 27, 2005

i live at home, i am 25 and my 27 yr old sister and my 18 yr old sister.

granted, both my older sister and i did move out for a few years.

really the important thing is WHY he is still there. how expensive is it to live where you are? could he afford it, and still live with in his means?

maybee is saving $$$.

January 27, 2005

Sorry, but I come from a very tough-love household where we all got jobs early, and there wasn't much babying going on...so him living at home still is a hard pill to swallow for me.

He doesn't pay rent.

I agree! He should be working full time, or something close to it if he's not in school! Its not terribly expensive to live out here. I dont understand why he's not saving up, to move out. Its like its not really a priority and that worries me.

I have a feeling he's doing just the bare minimum to get by...like if he really wanted to move out he would ask for more hours at his job, or look for a job that pays more. So I think somewhere in my head, although its probably really mean, I think he's lazy. His mom takes really good care of their whole family (stay at home mom) heck, she bakes cookies and is like martha stewart when she wraps presents at christmas time. His mom does make just about every meal he eats, unless he eats out with me or his friends. His mom does do his laundry sometimes, but most of the time he does it himself. And yeah,,he should be doing this stuff for himself, because hell Ive been doing it since before I can remember.

I agree just living at home, is quite different from being dependent on your parents, and I think he kind of likes being taken care of, but he wont admit to it. Is it the age?

I'm glad he's not one of those crazies that's competing with me, or trying to act like he's accomplishing more than I am...but at the same time, I think im coming to the slow realization that he has no ambition! I want great things for him, and I dont think he's taking enough of an initiative sometimes to make good things happen in his own life.

I really think he's a good guy, the kind of guy I always dreamed of meeting, but never did. He's very sweet, very nice. He makes me feel great. He makes me laugh. He treats me so awesome. I never have to pay for anything, without a question he just takes care of it, when we're out. I can talk to him about anything, he's a great listener. Having not dated a lot of people, he really knows how to make me feel like Im the only one in the room he's interested in, no wandering eyes, nothing. He's very very loyal. He's very affectionate. Its just this nagging feeling that he's not living up to his potential that irritates me. How can I plan a future with this person, if he's not taking real strides to make his own future happen? He has an idea of what he wants to do for a career, but you know how some people say "oh I want to do this, some day" and then you wonder if they're just blowing smoke?

Painfully...I admit that I do wonder this...I dont want to make the mistake of getting with someone that seems really fantastic, only to find out they're just lookin for a suga-mama, or someone to fund their "ideas" about what they want to do with their life.

Am I wrong for thinking along these lines...? Has anyone else felt this way about someone they were with?

January 27, 2005

Some people aren't as ambitious as others. Everyone comes from different backgrounds. Some people are itching to be out on their own and the minute they hit 18 they're out the door, others don't really mind being there and will happily stay much longer. You could try talking to him and encouraging him to do more. But he's only 20 years old so I wouldn't give up hope on him yet. If he's still living at home when he's 30 then you have a problem!

March 1, 2005

30...that's a long time to wait for someone to grow up. lol

March 3, 2005

I agree that 20 is young. Many of my friends who have gone to college lived at home while doing so. I think it does depend on backgrounds of families. I think that it is perfectly fine for him to live with his parents and to be close to them. Why would someone want to move out and sturggle to pay rent/bills, when their parents and family are willing to let them stay at home? If he is planning on going to school this would be more understandable for me. Or even if he were working full time and saving up money.

I personally would want someone who is secure before they move out on their own rather than living paycheck to paycheck just to pay the rent!

March 3, 2005

I dont want him to be struggling either, and yes I do want him to be secure when he does move out. But he's not even working full time, and he's definitely not saving up.

Maybe I shouldnt be picking on the fact that he's still living at home, and see what else is bothering me so much about him...

March 3, 2005

i think what really bothers you is that you see he is not DRIVEN the way you are or would like a partner to be. if he WAS busting his butt in more than one way, maybe you'd accept it cause you could see a future for him?

i dated a guy who lived at home at 26. it was really embarrassing for him and he was just LAZY. mom did all the shopping, guy never even went to college, was basically a low-life who pretended to be driven, etc. guys like that always find a mom in a gf.

is it just that your man lives at home? or is it more? probably more. hard to say, though. you probably dislike his motivation or lack thereof more than anything.

if this is not your "type" and you are highly driven, LEAVE. i have stayed with guys like this because i "accepteD" that everyone is different and not very goal driven. that is stuipd. later on you'll regret it, cause you won't get what you want in any way. guys like that will just slow you down (assuming he is). i lost a lot in myself by surrounding myself with less motivated men.

i'm not dating a control freak (another story) but he is VERY motivated. he leaves me in the dust sometimes! but he has a strong desire to succeed, and that has increased my motivation and self-competition. it's healthy that way and you should be with someone who challenges you on levels that are important to you -- career, intellect, etc. it is hard to find all that rolled into one, but if you are unique and have those things, hold out and find someone else who does too -- you DESERVE it!

March 3, 2005

meant to say i am NOW dating a control freak!

March 3, 2005

KATE!

That is EXACTLY how I feel. And he is so attatched, how do I break up with him??? Its a two way street, I'm attatched as well, and I really LIKE having a boyfriend. But it's not fair to him to keep him around if I can't have a future with him.

Ugh. I hate breaking up. But I probably should. I can't break his heart, I dont know how. I am highly driven, and I dont want to waste crucial years in my 20's with some guy who's just doing the bare minimum in life. So...how do I break up with him, when he's all like "oh I love you, the more time I spend with you, the more im falling in love with you." Helppp!

March 3, 2005

I think he needs to get out of his comfort zone before ge can actually get motivated to do something with his life. I am kind of the same in a way. I went away to school for four and a half years, but came back home every summer for a few months to live with my parents. I can tell you that for some strange reason I am a completely different person when I am living on my own that when I'm at home. When I'm at home I almost feel to comfortable and that makes me very unmotivated. When I was away at school I was probably the most motivated person that you would ever meet. I was always busy and always got things done.

I am 23 and just graduated college in December. I have been living back at home for the last two and a half months and it is driving me crazy. I was supposed to move out on March 1st but the house that I plan on moving into has some problems and will probably take another month to fix up. The reason that I'm making myself move out is not because I hate living at home, or hate my parents, or anything like that, it's the simple fact that I feel like I'm a 16 year old boy when I'm at home and it is very dificult for me to get motivated to do anything. I do work 40 hours a week and make good money, but it's a job, not a career, if you know what I mean.

When I first got home I was still very motivated, I put together my resume, had cover letters made, hooked up with contacts, but after a few weeks I got into that comfort zone and it has been really hard for me to get out of. So take it from me, if he isn't in school and only working part time, you need to get him out of that comfort zone and get him motivated.

March 3, 2005

The guy is only 20 years old. Just because he doesn't have his whole life figured out yet isnt' that big of a deal. I didn't graduate college until I was 25, and I'm personally glad I wasn't in a rush. If I would have rushed through school and had a degree at 22 that would be three more years of work instead of fun. I now make good money and live a pretty comfortable lifestyle.

If he gets along well with his family and he's getting waited on at home and not paying rent why would he be in a huge rush to leave? If you really like being with him give him a chance to see what he wants to do with his life. Is he interested in anything? You could try to get him to do more stuff for himself.

March 3, 2005

You are both young and it sounds as though he hasn't moved out yet because he probably hasn't thought about it with things being comfortable the way they are. If his parents won't motivate him, and if it's not coming from within, then why don't you try to motivate him?

Instead of breaking up with him, offer him subtle hints about him moving out, or tell him how much you admire his qualities and personality blah blah blah and add in a subtle way that by the time you're whatever age you picture yourself in "this kind of life" and describe the type of person you want to be with such as Independent, a good housekeeper, someone who can hold a good job, etc etc. Make a checklist for yourself even, and if the guy your dating doesn't match the list by the time you're say 23 or 24, then don't waste your time.

But I wouldn't consider your ages to be at the point where you should feel that you are wasting time (assuming you are around 20?).

You could even ask him exactly what his plans are for the next 2-3 years, or where he pictures himself ten years from now? Get into one of those "future" conversations.

I lived at home until the day I got married at age 26. My ex moved out at 17 to go to school. He always bugged me about this. Of course, I went to school and paid rent while I worked full time, but mom did all my laundry and cooked most of the time. (I was lazy and couldn't save money if I tried).

March 3, 2005

i don't think it matters WHY he is not where you want him to be. so what -- there are a million REASONS why someone is NOT the way you want them. the point is, he's not right for you right now.

i don't know that it means you need to dump him now. unless you are experiencing major internal battles. if this bothers you every day, you are better off without him before YOU get too attached. that happened to me in a couple of relationships. i ended up lowering MY personal standards and then falling into a personal hole.

you don't have to tell him EVERYTHING, like that you think HE is unmotivated, etc. you can tell him the truth, still though -- that you need to be alone. you can choose the words.

since you are young (like me, i'm only 25) you will probably meet a number of people who you will have more relationships with. and then, just because THEY are motivated and successful...doesn't mean you will want them too -- they may lack the heart and sincerety this guy has. it's not perfect, but just becaues you may be alone and can't find MR. Right doesn't mean he won't ever come.

you need to take care of your needs right now and make yourself BETTER. if better means without him because you will be improving yourself without him, then better it is.

off topic, but right now i am with a very highly motivated and financially successful person. HOWEVER, i think i may be better off w/out him. he has some character aspects I don't think coincide best with me. it's really hard -- seems like what you find in one person you want in the next and vice versa. i truly think though, as you contiune, you know more of what you DON'T want and end up finding out what you want. nothing works PERFECTLY, but you can sure get to a place where you FEEL more perfect inside.

i like the idea of a boyfriend too at times...but i'm also independent and know that anything less than my standards just wont work in my favor.

keep us posted.

March 4, 2005

It might be a little weird - but I'm 22 and still at home. I stayed at home during college, and now that I'm out and have a decent job - I could move out but 1) I'm comfortable where I'm at right now, 2) its cheaper 3) theres been no pressure from anyone to move out (more like pressure to stay - haha) I do have a full-time job though - and spend money on stuff like my phone and student loans and food (both for lunch and to help out the family). I do my own laundry (I'm adamant about that because if I dont - I lose things for weeks or even months at a time because it gets to the bottom of the pile and never done)

Now if your guy is not doing very much - he may be lazy - or it might just be he's not feeling the urge to move out just yet. If you really have a problem with him living at home - maybe discuss this with him and let him know how you feel about it. Maybe he'll get the hint and start to look for a better job and a place of his own.

As for me though - I plan on living at home until I get more saved up and/or I get to the point in a relationship where we need the privacy that a place of my own would bring. For a long while though I was trying my best to do just what I needed to get by - but eventually I had to be given a little nudge and I wound up eventually with the job I have now. Maybe thats what he needs - a little nudge....

March 24, 2005

I kept giving him nudges, and reminders until I realized something...that I was becoming his mother lol. There's this little idea, in the back of my head that kept popping up saying "Hey, you shouldnt have to tell him what to do with his life, he's 20 years old, he should have some kind of idea and he should be working on that himself! Without you or anyone pushing him to do it!"

I broke up with him a few days ago. It was hard, it still is hard, and he got mad and made me feel like I was 2 inches tall. He acted like I was running away, giving up on "us" for no reason. And that's when I realized another thing. That a real man wouldn't do that.

I'm not sure he was more mad at the fact that I called him out, on something in his life that really hit home, or the fact that I surpass him now, and will in the future educationally, and career-wise and he realized that he really was lucky if anything to have me in his life for as long as he did.

Maybe he really does need someone who will stay at home and take care of his kids and cook him 3 square meals just like his momma does. But that won't be me, not now, not ever- and definitely not for him.

Call me selfish, but I have goals for myself first and Im young...im not settling for that kind of life any time soon.

March 25, 2005

You are not supposed to be his momma...or therapist...you are an independent modern woman! I commend you for your accomplishments.

The motivation to change has to come from inside him, not from you trying to help him. Only if he's asked for advice should you give it to him, but some men generally work things out by themselves, if they can/want. You're best to leave him alone and let him find his own path in life, whether it takes him 2 years or 20. However long it takes him to realize what he ought to be doing with his life, you shouldn't string along for the ride. You are not to become his hero or personal coach or therapist.

March 25, 2005

Hey brill,

did you explain it to him?

Does he know why you broke up? Was it a surprise to him?

Sounds like you did the right thing, you are at different stages or different types of people from what you described. His living at home is certainly not an issue. These days it is the smarter thing to do I think. Those who prioritize their independence over wisdom usually end up living hand to mouth for many years. But not working full time and not going to school are signs that he was coasting and not looking to improve his lot in life. (or is he well off and doesn't need to work?)

Some guys just need something tangible to work toward. When it's just me, I'm as happy to not work as to work. I don't really need alot for myself. When I'm with someone and it looks like there might be something to work for i apply myself very well. Some people would look at his relationship with his mother as positive. He could hate her after all.

Two things could have happened. You'd end up supporting him, or you'd move in with him somewhere else and he'd step up and pull his weight. You'll never know now of course. But then there was more to all of this anyway wasn't there?

March 29, 2005

Yeah, I could have moved in with him, and ended up having to support him financially, which wouldnt have been good. Or I could have moved in with him and had to pretty much BE his mother, because lets face it the guy can't cook himself out of a paper bag.

I just think there's certain things you learn living on your own, and he's not going to be doing that until he absolutely has to. We were talking about futures, and kids one day and he was saying that he wouldnt want his kids to have it any better off than he did. I dont understand why, wouldnt you want your kids to have a better, if not the best life you can provide for them?

He doesn't hate his mother. They're pretty close. I'm glad he doesn't hate his mother. I just think its time for the two of them to grow up and realize that he's an adult now and she needs to stop enabling his lazyness. Late bloomer my ass.

I did explain to him why we were breaking up, and im not really sure if it was a surprise to him. But he did make it clear that he thought I was being ridiculous. What's ridiculous is that I had to remind him to take some action in his own life regarding his education, his future...that's ridiculous.

All I was looking for, was for him to "step up and apply himself well."

April 19, 2005

My ex's, ex husband is back with his mother, the super enabler, so not only does he not pay rent, or cook or clean, but he also doesn't work much and doesn't pay child support. It's gotten so bad that last I heard there was a bench warrant out on him for child support.

You've avoided alot of grief by getting out now.

April 19, 2005

Umm..20 does not = too old to live at home. I'm almost 22, and I still live at home, and so do every single one of my friends (who are all roughly my age). We're all motivated; some of us are still in school, some of us are trying to get on our feet by working and saving money. How much money did you have when you moved out at the age of 18? I don't envy you at all. All the people I know of that left home at the (young!) age of 18 were usually considered bad apples who ran away or were kicked out because their parents couldnt take it anymore. My older sister's boyfriend is like 26, and he lives at home and works. He didnt even work last summer though, preferring to enjoy the summer. He doesn't have to pay rent to his parents or anything, so when it comes time for him to buy a house, he won't be settling for anything cheap. Recently he was able to buy a car. I'd love to know how you fared when you left home right out of high school.

April 19, 2005

Letting your kids stay home rent free is an easy way for parents to give their kids a leg up in today's society.

As long as the kid isn't abusing the privilege.

Usually kids that leave home early do so because they have problems in the home environment and end up paying a lifelong price for that. Sure some are just really motivated go getters, but most are running from something or getting pushed out.

It's not that he's at home, it's that he'ss not working or saving

Sign In

my guy still lives at home...is it me, or is this wierd?

Recommended Posts

simplybrill

savethedrama4allama

poister

Hund1976

tattoomytoe

simplybrill

Hund1976

simplybrill

greeneyedgirl23

simplybrill

Kate

Kate

simplybrill

Strike3

Hund1976

MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

Kate

RedneckRomeo

simplybrill

TZ

lost_in_chgo

simplybrill

lost_in_chgo

pizzanova

lost_in_chgo

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...