So, is this what dating is supposed to be like, or is he just not interested?

[Sleepyhead]

Hey all. So I've pretty much been in various long-term relationships for years now and I've never actually "dated". I'd fall for someone who had already fallen for me and we'd very quickly and easily slide into a committed and serious relationship.

 

So I've been single for about a year now, and 3 weeks ago I asked out a college classmate and gave him my number. He seemed a little shocked at first but contacted me after waiting a day. For that first week we were in constant contact and practically inseperable-- watching movies, going out to eat, and just laughing and having a blast.

 

He eventually told me he had actually just broken off a long term on-off relationship 2 weeks prior, and that he still in contact with his ex because he didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want her to know that he was seeing someone so soon, but that they were indeed incompatible as a couple and he doesn't want to get back together with her.

 

Anyway, we spent pretty much that whole weekend together. Conversation flowed and although we didn't have sex, we did cuddle and kiss a lot. He said he'd like to take things slow but that he did enjoy spending time with me. But after that weekend things seemed to suddenly become... Weird? The texting conversations fizzled out and we didn't spend as much alone time together.

 

Since then conversations have been seem to be getting dryer and more awkward. We still usually contact one another atleast once a day (with me letting him do the initiating because I don't want to overwhelm him) but the conversations are mostly small talk and quite uninspired and tend to fizzle out quickly. We have been seeing each other in person about every other day, but usually in the company of his friends (which is fine, as we all get along great and have a blast).

 

So what's the deal? I've admittedly been letting him do most of the initiating and I am a little scared of getting attatched so I have some walls up. But I do believe I've demonstrated my interest sufficiently. Did we just burn it out too soon? Is he still tied up with the ex? I understand I may just be a rebound so I'm trying to keep expectations low, but this is really uncharted territory for me so tips would be awesome!

 

TL;DR: New to the uncertainty of "dating" because I'm used to immediatly comfortable LTRs. Been seeing a guy who just got out of a relationship for about 3 weeks and although he came on very strong at first, things seem to be settling down already. Is this normal?

[David87]

He doesn't want to use you as a rebound. He just broke up with his GF and the wound is still fresh.

 

He tried to start a new relationship with you but realized that he isn't ready to commit again.

 

He knows that you like him. His behaviour is perfectly normal, i'm telling you because it happened to me.

 

After my BU I dated a girl who was really into me, and I liked her to but I couldn't start something with her because I still had strong feelings for my ex.

 

Initially I invited the girl out but then I didn't call or text her and she ended up asking me out, and I went a couple of times out of guilt but nothing happened.

 

Sure now that I look back I regret the fact that I never gave that girl a chance because I really liked her.

[Sleepyhead]

Thanks for the insight, I really do appreciate it. Perhaps it's best if I give him some space to work out whatever he needs to but be there as a friend if he would like. I am quite interested in him but have been keeping my distance emotionally because I wasn't sure how he was feeling or where he saw this going.

[Iguanna]

When I hear the line "I just broke up with my ex and we still have unsolved issues", I run like crazy before I get attached. I don't want to be the rebound nor the second woman. I've had that once with a guy I had already started to love - not fall in love, love. He was acting like he didn't care (he had gotten divorce recently), he was dating other women but he admitted to me he was not over his ex yet. He asked me if I wanted to start something and see how it goes, I declined saying I want to have his full attention and heart. He was really shocked by this response and he appreciated my honesty. Then he moved in another continent and never saw him again, but he had told me some years later that he knew I was the only woman who truly loved him. I still consider him a great love in my life. Sometimes I wish I would just try with him, but then I think that his ex's ghost would always be around us. Don't make this mistake. Tell him that you don't want to get involved with someone who still has unsolved issues with his ex and leave. If in X period of time he has solved his issues and you are still available, you will consider it then.

[hestheone66]

I think that regardless of whether there is basic compatability, the early dating stage is about testing the waters. Each side should be reasonably guarded, but not to the point of paralysis. You want to know a few basic things, eg food preference, favourite pasttimes etc.

 

You DON"T want/shouldn't spend a LOT Of time together as distance builds desire. Secondly, if because both of you had no time scheduled to do other things, except spend time in each other's company. This could lead to two outcomes:

1. you spend a lot of time despite having other commitments as you BOTH find each other irresistible and cannot be apart

2. one of you is smitten and blows of other commitments to allow to spend time with someone who is at a loose end and is just using you for the company as they as a person, just don't like being alone.

 

As you can see, both of these outcomes are quite unhealthy.

 

One of the people, though initially entranced, could pull back and reflect that if the other person has that much time on her hands, she could quickly consume a lot of your time, which you may not feel ready to take that step.. so to maintain appropriate expectations, pull away so as not to lead the other on..

 

Perhaps this is what has happened. He may have freaked, that despite telling you he wasn't interested in rushing into a full on relationship, he gave you a whole weekend.. he may have taken time away to reassess the situation.

 

it may or may not have anything to do with his level of interest in you

 

keep dating others as for now there is nothing to base any expectations on. if he comes back/pursues you you can reevaluate the situation, and having more options ensures that you won't obsess on his motives

[Gaeta]

Of course he is still taken by his ex, he has just been separated for 2 weeks, I don't know anyone who got over a LTR in 2 weeks. He has a lot of grieving to do. If you are looking for a stable relationship this is not the one. Even though he said he would not go back to her it's so recent he can change his mind anytime, especially he said he is still in touch with her out of kindness.

 

I've learn that one the hard way, never date a man freshly out of a relationship.

[David87]

Of course he is still taken by his ex, he has just been separated for 2 weeks, I don't know anyone who got over a LTR in 2 weeks. He has a lot of grieving to do. If you are looking for a stable relationship this is not the one. Even though he said he would not go back to her it's so recent he can change his mind anytime, especially he said he is still in touch with her out of kindness.

 

I've learn that one the hard way, never date a man freshly out of a relationship.

 

Well my ex got over me after just one week. She found a new bastard to love quickly.

[Leigh 87]

He either isn't interested OR he is too fresh out of a relationship.

 

The thing is, even if he was truly into you, he is still too fresh out of a relationship. Trust me.

 

If after 6 months down the track he is still seemingly into you, that is your answer; if he turns to YOU when he is over his ex, rather than go online or meet girls in person.

 

If he was truly smitten with you he will find you when he is ready.

 

Oh. And don't wait around for him.

[Sleepyhead]

Thanks for the tips everyone. You guys are definitely confirming what I had thought about the whole just out of a relationship thing. I guess I let it slide because in the past I myself had emotionally detached myself from relationships LONG before they actually ended and I was able to go into a new LTR in a matter of weeks without any emotional turmoil. I wasn't sure if it was the case with him or not.

 

But yeah, there's definitely still some attatchment going on between them. Maybe not romantically anymore but there's still a connection. Perhaps he feels guilty for dumping her. The first time we hung out she called him THREE TIMES! (He didn't pick up obviously)

 

Guess I'll pack up and move on from this one!

[Sleepyhead]

Just a quick update that I could use some thoughts on...

 

So we're still in consistent but not as heavy contact. We spent an entire night together yesterday and while talking and laughing he suddenly came out and told me that he wasn't in an emotional state to be in a serious relationship right now but that he enjoyed spending time with me. We still haven't had sex. Anyway after that he proceeded to cuddle with me and watch movies for almost 9 hours, and didn't want me to go when I'd make a motion to head home.

 

What the heck? He's about a month out of a 2 year relationship but admitted to me that he had been emotionally checked out for months. Yet he still talks with his ex because he says its "comfortable" for him. I don't really know what to do because his words don't match his actions regarding me... I mean come on, cuddling for someone and doing relationshippy stuff without sex for 9 hours???

 

I'm definitely not interested in being a booty call or a FWB or a rebound. I do really like this person and sorta was hoping something serious could develop down the line. Does he just need some time to become emotionally available again or should I just back off completely? I'm afraid of getting too attatched and hurt.

[HappyLove]

"he suddenly came out and told me that he wasn't in an emotional state to be in a serious relationship right now"

 

He TOLD YOU he is NOT looking for a serious relationship. Why don't women LISTEN when men tell them EXACTLY what they want?

 

So now it's up to you OP this guy DOES NOT want a serious relationship right now, if you do then it's time to find someone you are compatible with.

[Sleepyhead]

"he suddenly came out and told me that he wasn't in an emotional state to be in a serious relationship right now"

 

He TOLD YOU he is NOT looking for a serious relationship. Why don't women LISTEN when men tell them EXACTLY what they want?

 

So now it's up to you OP this guy DOES NOT want a serious relationship right now, if you do then it's time to find someone you are compatible with.

 

Thanks for the boot in the butt. I totally get what you mean, and you're right. It's just that I'm actually friends with several happy couples where the man actually said those exact words and eventually it did evolve into something. The point is that we're young (college aged, actually) and sometimes we don't know what we want. My friends are definitely the exception and not the rule, and I get that. But I think in my case I'm not really willing to risk it and it's a good idea to take your advice to look elsewhere. Thanks for your insight!

[OhThatGirl]

Ooohh. I would back away if I were you. Not because he's malicious or a bad person but because this situation is setting yourself up for disappointment. He's fresh out of a LTR, his ex seems to still want him back, he's giving her false hope by staying in contact, you're becoming the girl caught in the mess.

 

He may not realize it but he's using you to ease himself out of that relationship. This is unfair to you. Again, he likely doesn't have the insight to know he's doing this but it's very possible you'll get hurt if you continue in this awkward situation.

 

I'd tell him you appreciate his honesty but you have feelings involved and don't wish to be hurt. Maybe mention to him that you are open to hearing from him once things from this past LTR have settled... Then make a quick exit.

 

I'd say if you weren't looking for something serious you could keep it low key and see how it goes but I have a sneaking suspicion even under that pretense you're still going to get hurt.

 

Boooo.

[Versacehottie]

Just a quick update that I could use some thoughts on...

 

So we're still in consistent but not as heavy contact. We spent an entire night together yesterday and while talking and laughing he suddenly came out and told me that he wasn't in an emotional state to be in a serious relationship right now but that he enjoyed spending time with me. We still haven't had sex. Anyway after that he proceeded to cuddle with me and watch movies for almost 9 hours, and didn't want me to go when I'd make a motion to head home.

 

What the heck? He's about a month out of a 2 year relationship but admitted to me that he had been emotionally checked out for months. Yet he still talks with his ex because he says its "comfortable" for him. I don't really know what to do because his words don't match his actions regarding me... I mean come on, cuddling for someone and doing relationshippy stuff without sex for 9 hours???

 

I'm definitely not interested in being a booty call or a FWB or a rebound. I do really like this person and sorta was hoping something serious could develop down the line. Does he just need some time to become emotionally available again or should I just back off completely? I'm afraid of getting too attatched and hurt.

 

Here is the prescription for your ailment:

*Pull back. See him but scale it way back. Tell him you understand IF he brings it up again. Show in your actions that he is a lower priority than he would be if he were fully available and ready.

*Don't initiate any serious talks with him.

*When you do spend time, be totally cool and have fun. In meantime, date others, hint at it but don't come right out and tell him.

*Watch things develop

[cif]

If you continue on in this manner you will become the rebound and/or fwb. Since you seem to like him your best bet is to remain friends until he's ready for a serious relationship. From experience I would say he's not totally broken up. Pull back.