xxoo Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I've noticed that men change the way they interact with me when my H is next to me or not. Men that don't know us, I mean. For example when we are out shopping, and he is apart from me, and then approaches, the man that was checking me out will get suddenly busy looking elsewhere Do you and your H act like a couple when together? Would a stranger be able to know you are a couple? Or might you be two work associates, or friends, judging by your interactions? 1
Author SugarHibiscus Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 Thank you ZMM and William. I knew I would get the wrath. Hence, my disclaimer at the beginning of my post. I have a thick skin... Imagine if you applied that kind of radical honesty to all facets of your life. Hell, the sky's the limit, Sugar. I don't have facets to my life. I'm no gem, I'm a flat, featureless marble slab without dimension. I am defined solely by my A. Can you imagine if everyone was brutally, radically honest to themselves and others? It would be the end of society. We filter our "honesty" as a coping mechanism and for civility. if you want to see your nice laid back husband do a 360 give him respect and tell him how you have been cheating i bet he becomes a alpha after that and your AP heads for the hills do u love your H or just there for his money Money means nothing to me. I've posted about my feelings for my husband at length and am too lazy to do it again. Please read my previous threads if you're interested. Do you and your H act like a couple when together? Would a stranger be able to know you are a couple? Or might you be two work associates, or friends, judging by your interactions? Thank you for your helpful response. I think you're on to something. I'll have to think about it.
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 It probably has more to do with how you are, what you project when you are with either man. I am less likely to notice who/what is going on around me when I am fully engaged with someone not to mention not all that approachable when my eye contact is on the person I am with. There isn't an "in" for a random person. 3
thefooloftheyear Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 It probably has more to do with how you are, what you project when you are with either man. I am less likely to notice who/what is going on around me when I am fully engaged with someone not to mention not all that approachable when my eye contact is on the person I am with. There isn't an "in" for a random person. This^^^^ Ive witnessed dog ass ugly women that get hit on all the time and very attractive women that do not....Im not making any characterization of anyone in this particular thread, but just relaying a life experience.. TFY 1
HermioneG Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 This^^^^ Ive witnessed dog ass ugly women that get hit on all the time and very attractive women that do not....Im not making any characterization of anyone in this particular thread, but just relaying a life experience.. TFY This is also my experience. It is about the person being hit on, not their partner. The vibe they give off that shows where their boundaries are placed. There are always a few fools who misread social cues and attempt to hit on anyone, but for the most part, boundaries are clear by body language and attitude. 2
georgia girl Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I agree with the poster who says you are looking for a reason to criticize your husband. My H is not a jealous man at all. No issue with me even being friends with an ex. He doesn't have need either. I genuinely have no interest in any other man. Not just because I love him like crazy - but it's work to be in a good, healthy relationship. Why would I ever double up? 2
PurpleCardigan Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 My xMM was very protective and jealous of me especially if a guy got kinda flirty around me. Ironically, though, he didn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to have me either. However, my experience is that is just the guy's personality. I've known plenty of jealous/protective/alpha (if you will) guys who would defend my honor (lol.) and plenty who just let it roll off their backs. I agree with carhill that if I saw a change that would be cause for concern. But otherwise, it is just a personality thing and maybe you are learning that you like one better than the other.
Author SugarHibiscus Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Thanks for the responses all. A couple thoughts... Maybe I do give out a vibe. But, for the record, I have NEVER been interested in getting picked up at a bar. It's just not me. Ever. I think it's laughable that those with shortest marriages give marital advice. If I want to know what makes marriage works, I'll ask someone who's been married 40 years, not 4. 1
whatatangledweb Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Thanks for your thoughtful reply. You said that men didn't hit on your dates/wives when they were with you. I guess that's what I'm wondering about. Why do men hit on me when I'm with H and not when I'm with OM? When you are with the OM are you connected at the hip when you go out? Meaning like with new relationships you stay by their side when you are out. While when you have been with someone for many years you stay with them but you do go off by yourself to talk to other people. Is that when you get hit on?
MissBee Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Let's just get this out of the way...I'm having a social circle affair. It's been going on for over a year and I'm a morally bankrupt, despicable POS human being and so is my AP. There. So, I get hit on a lot by men. I don't think I'm particularly attractive but it happens. Sometimes it gets to the point that men follow me around to talk to me and I find it harassing and annoying. My H ignores it and just lets these men try to talk to me. He says that he knows that I will always be faithful to him. It doesn't bother him. I've tried to explain to him that it irritates me to have to fend off random dudes and that I would like him to "defend" me (i.e. tell the other guy to f off). My AP is the opposite of my H. Men DO NOT hit on me when we're out alone together. AT ALL. Several times, when we've been out as a group, my AP has given a would-be suitor the "look of death" and he instantly backs off. Even when my H is there. Recently, my OM told a guy to get the f away from me in front of my H. H didn't say anything. AP later apologized to me, saying that he was out of line doing that in front of my H but the random guy was being too aggressive and getting too close to me. He was compelled to say something. I guess I'm looking for some insight into male psychology. This sort of thing usually doesn't bother me, but it's got me thinking that maybe the OM loves me more than H. Or maybe they're just two different kind of men. I don't know. Confused. Why does one of my men look the other way and one chase the other men away? Possessiveness and love don't necessarily go hand in hand, neither jealousy. Your AP may be more possessive but it doesn't mean he "loves" you more. Some people are more possessive and jealous than others and even in many unhealthy relationships there is that dynamic of one person almost treating the other like an object that belongs to them to be guarded...some women also read that as love until it becomes crazy. Not saying that your AP is or will become crazy, just saying that it's not really correct to assume exhibiting possessiveness or being territorial is the same as love. Ironically, my exAP was also the most possessive man I've been with. I think that's his personality in general but part of it was also because we were in an A and he knew I was free to do as I pleased so I think that made him even more possessive.
carhill Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Thanks for the responses all. A couple thoughts... Maybe I do give out a vibe. But, for the record, I have NEVER been interested in getting picked up at a bar. It's just not me. Ever. I think it's laughable that those with shortest marriages give marital advice. If I want to know what makes marriage works, I'll ask someone who's been married 40 years, not 4. Another process to look at is to examine your past experiences; men you've dated and had relationships with... You mentioned 'vibe'. Perhaps you feel your 'vibe' is different when out with H versus when out with OM. If true, examine that same dynamic in your past. Where your 'vibe' facilitated or resulted in unwelcome approaches. You mentioned your H 'has always been like that', meaning he didn't (my words) 'patrol the fences'. If so, when you were early on with him and making the decision that he would become your husband, apparently due to love and attraction, did you note similar or different results in 'vibe' and interactions with other men? If so, examine that. I recall one evening a LS'er took me to a bar for my birthday. She was widely acknowledged as quite attractive and her dating profile supported that, having dozens and dozens of messages of interest. Yet, when we went out, I saw zero interest in her from other men at the bar. We were there for probably two hours, then walked home. Nothing. My read, having known and interacted with her awhile, was that she liked attention from men, yet there was none, not even incidentally. Was that a 'vibe'? IDK. Was it due to my presence? Doubtful, since I'm not an imposing man and didn't behave in a 'protective' manner, rather as two friends having a nice evening out. Last consideration....your H married you and is with you, day in and day out. You've had a dialogue on this topic. Perhaps engage it from a different angle, sharing with him how you feel when receiving such inappropriate and unwanted (to you) advances by other men. You feel 'irritated'; be more specific about that, relating it to your existing relationship. Where does that irritation come from? The answer could be far different from him 'not defending you'. Work it as a team. Good luck!
xxoo Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Two questions that might lend insight: Does your OM have this same behavior with his wife? Has your husband ever acted similarly (similar to OM) with another woman?
ZMM Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 but part of it was also because we were in an A and he knew I was free to do as I pleased so I think that made him even more possessive. Yes, that happens.
rumbleseat Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Thanks for the responses all. A couple thoughts... Maybe I do give out a vibe. But, for the record, I have NEVER been interested in getting picked up at a bar. It's just not me. Ever. I think it's laughable that those with shortest marriages give marital advice. If I want to know what makes marriage works, I'll ask someone who's been married 40 years, not 4. Been m nearly 18 years , so I guess thst would make my opinion more valid. Op, I would suggest thst your om doesn't trudt you because you have shown him thst you can't be by your act of cheating. How do you feel about thst? Can you be? It also sounds like he's really insecure about himself, just as so many chest thumping "alphas" are. From what my h tells me , I get my share of being hit on lbut i don't notice it because it doesn't. matter to me. He trusts me , so unless they can't take the hint, he doesn't feel a need to defend me. And before anyone stsrts spouting thst alpha and beta male crap, he could pound your typical "alpha" azzhat into the ground in a heartbeat. He's secure enough in himself not to. 1
rumbleseat Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Btw, I am making no assumptions about your honesty. Only you know how honest you sre. I am thinking more about his perception of you. To him, his perception is his reality.
ZMM Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Op, I would suggest thst your om doesn't trudt you because you have shown him thst you can't be by your act of cheating. How do you feel about thst? Can you be? It also sounds like he's really insecure about himself, just as so many chest thumping "alphas" are. That's a POV However, this seems much more likely Ironically, my exAP was also the most possessive man I've been with. I think that's his personality in general but part of it was also because we were in an A and he knew I was free to do as I pleased so I think that made him even more possessive.
Furious Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Let's just get this out of the way...I'm having a social circle affair. It's been going on for over a year and I'm a morally bankrupt, despicable POS human being and so is my AP. There. So, I get hit on a lot by men. I don't think I'm particularly attractive but it happens. Sometimes it gets to the point that men follow me around to talk to me and I find it harassing and annoying. My H ignores it and just lets these men try to talk to me. He says that he knows that I will always be faithful to him. It doesn't bother him. I've tried to explain to him that it irritates me to have to fend off random dudes and that I would like him to "defend" me (i.e. tell the other guy to f off). My AP is the opposite of my H. Men DO NOT hit on me when we're out alone together. AT ALL. Several times, when we've been out as a group, my AP has given a would-be suitor the "look of death" and he instantly backs off. Even when my H is there. Recently, my OM told a guy to get the f away from me in front of my H. H didn't say anything. AP later apologized to me, saying that he was out of line doing that in front of my H but the random guy was being too aggressive and getting too close to me. He was compelled to say something. I guess I'm looking for some insight into male psychology. This sort of thing usually doesn't bother me, but it's got me thinking that maybe the OM loves me more than H. Or maybe they're just two different kind of men. I don't know. Confused. Why does one of my men look the other way and one chase the other men away? Has your husband cheated on you? If so, it's probably why he's not jealous of the attention you get.
2sunny Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Love does not equate to possessiveness. The issue is your perspective. You expect men to do for you what you should be doing for yourself. Men are primal - and you give off signals. Those signals tell me what you are and aren't open to. Your loose boundaries are out of balance for your position. A married woman who allows men to cross the line by following and semi stalking is NOT implementing a solid, healthy boundary. The issue is with you. YOU can change that. Stop participating in a way that invites odd behavior from men - then expecting other men to handle the problems you keep creating. Be a grown up! Fix this yourself by acting like a woman who is decent that honors herself. And get honest with your husband. Tell him men trail you because your body language and words invite inappropriate men to think you're willing to offer them something. Tell him you have cheated. Tell him you aren't the wife he thinks you are. He deserves to know who you really are. 3
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