Whether or not to confess [Infidelity]

[atreides]

Interesting... two perspectives from different sides of the same coin.... the WS saying "no need to hurt them" and from the BS "no need to be hurt" to then being buttressed by the very same reasons... all of life's modicums or should I say those modicums wrought from Marriage but ironically not necessarily about the Marriage itself. Thus the only question that remains is how long can we lie to ourselves before we get it?

[man_in_the_box]

I've never cheated nor have I been cheated on - yet if it would have happened in the past or present, no matter physical, emotional, once, multiple times, one partner ore more or for whatever reason - I would want to know. I'm not some child who needs to be obscured from the truth in order to live in a fake reality. Additionally someone else should NEVER decide for me whether I need to know the truth or not when it comes to this specific issue.

 

What's the point of being faithful and committed if those actions are not reciprocated? it's completely useless and a huge waste of time.

[martaldn]

I think about 90% of the WS do not tell their partners about their affair to protect themselves and not their partner, maybe they tell themselves that they do it to protect their BS so they can palliate somehow the guilt feeling for keeping deceiving their SO everyday of their life, but even the 10 % that honestly would not disclose their affair to protect their partner are wrong.

What you do when you "protect" your partner is actually taking a superiority stand, you decide what is better for your partner without consulting them, you treat them like children who should be protected from reality because reality is too cruel for them.

Your partner is your equal, not someone who needs you to close their eyes to the ugly truth. Your partner is an adult person who can take their own decisions and can face the ugly side of life, if you have any respect for them, you won't treat them like inferior beings who need to be lied to "protect" them, they need your comfort, your love and your honesty and they should have the right to take decisions about their own life and no one should be taking those decisions on their behalf.

 

I agree. In my experience I think its very selfish. not saying anything because its too much trouble when you will be kicked out of the house and you have to start everything all over again. In my case he never said anything because he is too comfortable where he is even if he told me he didnt confess because he doesnt want to make her suffer. if you dont want make your official partner suffer you dont cheat in the first place.

[drifter777]

I've never cheated nor have I been cheated on - yet if it would have happened in the past or present, no matter physical, emotional, once, multiple times, one partner ore more or for whatever reason - I would want to know. I'm not some child who needs to be obscured from the truth in order to live in a fake reality. Additionally someone else should NEVER decide for me whether I need to know the truth or not when it comes to this specific issue.

 

What's the point of being faithful and committed if those actions are not reciprocated? it's completely useless and a huge waste of time.

Every person that hasn't been cheated on agrees with you - they all say "I would want to know" and they all believe it. When it actually happens to you, and I hope it never does - you might see things differently after the initial shock and disbelief wear off and the pain and humiliation begin to take hold. Statistics say (and I'm not sure I believe them) that you will not leave her and you will try to reconcile. The pain, effort, and frustration of R might start to change your mind as to whether it might have been better if you never knew.

 

Of course this is just my personal opinion. If fact I have only come to this conclusion within the past year. After years of trying to find some peace of mind over this horrible betrayal I have realized that ignorance - at least on this subject - really is bliss.

[lollipopspot]

If fact I have only come to this conclusion within the past year. After years of trying to find some peace of mind over this horrible betrayal I have realized that ignorance - at least on this subject - really is bliss.

 

I can understand this. If a woman for example has a new baby, is happy in her marriage, and believed her husband to be - and her husband told her he cheated a few months earlier and it was over and he was truly committing himself to not doing it again - does it always serve the woman to know about that and now have to think of herself as a woman who stays with a cheater? To know that she didn't actually have the happy and committed marriage she was in fact experiencing? To always have the suspicion that he'll do it again? To have images in her head of him cheating? I'm not really sure that the revelation helps her to have a better life in all cases. It sure doesn't help the baby's life to have such great conflict in the parents' marriage.

[KathyM]

In my mind, this is really easy. It all boils down to who you wanna be. If you wanna be an honest person with integrity, you don't lie. If you wanna be an untrustworthy person, you think honesty is a burden when things get difficult.

 

I find it hard to understand the contradiction in saying: "I have learned my lesson, I won't lie and cheat anymore, but I'll hide truth and take it to the grave..."

Good point. Hiding the truth and continuing the deception is not becoming authentic and changing into a person of integrity. It continues the manipulation and deception that is the hallmark of the affair. The WS may not be still having sex with the AP, but he is still continuing to manipulate and deceive by not confessing the affair. I don't believe there can be true reconciliation when the affair is never confessed, and the BS continues to live in the dark.

[Bruce Leigh]

We can talk about different situations until the cows come home and the same people will just agree to disagree.

 

My father cheated on my mother, my mother got back at him by sleeping with someone else, i had the misfortune of walking into the bedroom to find my mother sleeping next to the other man. I was 12 years old.

Yes, they stayed together and are still going, nearly 40 years but it has been far from perfect.

Even my friends would say, "you are lucky that your parents are still together".

If they only knew the truth.

Yes i have been cheated on in the past, i said my goodbyes and walked away.

Its something i will never tolerate. I would rather know what happened and find someone else who shares my sense of morality.

 

Act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage

[drifter777]

Drifter, we both know that what is killing you is not the knowledge of her affair but the knowledge that you wanted to leave her (you still do, in fact you consider weak the people who stay after being cheated and advise every time to new posters to divorce) but you are afraid of a life without her. That is your pain to bear and your own choice, some people decide to reconcile and then move on and let the affair be in the past but you have never been able to digest it and move on, you are still there and for people like you there is only either eternal penance or divorce. You know that and you hate yourself for not being able to do it.

 

You don't wish to unknown that your wife had an affair, you wish that she never had one because you love her and you can't imagine her doing something so terrible to you. You can't look at her in the same way even if you wanted but now you think your problem is the knowledge when your problem is not that but the actual affair.

 

I am really sorry for you because you have been served with a big $hit sandwich and you can't digest it but don't get confused about where the problem comes from, it is not the knowledge of what you wife did what is killing you it is what she did.

Your amateur psychology is lost on me. You can't tell me I don't "mean" what I say because you make a projection about what you think I do mean.

 

Yes, I wish my wife would have never cheated. Knowing the pain I've been through all these years, I wish I never knew about it. Right now - in the moment - the thought of her cheating and never telling me is repulsive and stirs up my anger. When I am able to use insight and truly analyze the situation I realize that if I didn't know I would be happier with her. My self-esteem wouldn't have taken the hit it has. If I never had the mind-movies and other triggers that bring back the past I know I would be much more at peace with my life. These are facts, as I see them, and not conjecture of someone who's only guessing.

[man_in_the_box]

Every person that hasn't been cheated on agrees with you - they all say "I would want to know" and they all believe it. When it actually happens to you, and I hope it never does - you might see things differently after the initial shock and disbelief wear off and the pain and humiliation begin to take hold. Statistics say (and I'm not sure I believe them) that you will not leave her and you will try to reconcile. The pain, effort, and frustration of R might start to change your mind as to whether it might have been better if you never knew.

 

Of course this is just my personal opinion. If fact I have only come to this conclusion within the past year. After years of trying to find some peace of mind over this horrible betrayal I have realized that ignorance - at least on this subject - really is bliss.

 

I get what you are saying although I don't really understand because I've never been there. There is just no point from my perspective to invest in a relationship that's not actually a relationship at all. Its like working dedicated on a lifetime project while realistically you're not accomplishing anything at all. Seems better to either change the approach or just ditching it all together. Continuation if a relationship is not a priority per se - depending on the situation termination might be better.

 

I've mainly responded because I read an old removed quote where the OP requested opinions of those who have not been cheated on - hence my response needs to be put in that context but okay.

[RedRobin]

My ex-H confessed his affair to me... I can't imagine ever having a healthy relationship 'not knowing'. Our marriage didn't survive, but it wasn't because of the infidelity. The infidelity was a symptom of a bigger problem with him and us.

 

 

If I were counseling someone who had cheated, my recommendation wouldn't be to conceal it. It would be to time the confession and do it in such a way that gives your marriage the best chance of surviving it. Not to mention, in a way that is most respectful of your spouse. But yes, if you want a healthy marriage, you have to confess. No way around it.

 

 

Make sure the OM/OW is out of your life, that you've gotten individual counseling to determine why you did it and a plan to keep it from happening again, after you've gotten STD tests, and ideally, when your spouse is in a position emotionally to be able to withstand the news.

 

 

Other counselors would say to confess as soon as possible so that the BS can help the WS break from the affair. I'm not keen on that approach. The WS needs to do that on their own. In my case, it had been 6 months since my H had contacted the OW. The fact that he waited until he had processed things and she really was out of his life made it a lot easier for me to believe that he really wanted to work on the marriage.

[lollipopspot]

Another philosophical question for those who advocate for not telling. Since you are not hurting someone if that person would not know, why stop doing it? It is everything acceptable as far as the victims do not realize about it?

 

You kind of missed the whole premise. The WS realized in the past or currently realizes that what they're doing is not o.k., ends the affair, and commits fully to their spouse. That's the point at which the 'tell or not tell' discussion begins.

 

You're creating a different scenario, where the WS doesn't want to end the affair of fully commit to their partner.

[sweet_pea]

O.k. then. The premise of the article is that the affair is already over. There is a very good chance the affair will not be found out (most are not). No telling then = no pain. Because they probably won't know about it unless you tell them. In that case, which is most, it really is the telling that will bring the pain, as otherwise they would be oblivious to it.

 

Eh, my point still stands. The affair is what causes the pain. The action of telling not what breaks BS' hearts, the ACTUAL affair is what did that. Obviously telling/being caught will "bring/transport" the pain because that's the only way to find out but the actual pain that is "brought" is caused by the affair, lies, deceit and so on.

 

At the end of the day, the BS deserves to know the truth. They deserve to know so they are given the chance to control their own lives and make choices for themselves in regards to their relationship/livelihood instead of it being handled by people who don't give a crap about them at the time.

Edited March 22, 2014 by sweet_pea

[RedRobin]

Eh, my point still stands. The affair is what causes the pain. The action of telling not what breaks BS' hearts, the ACTUAL affair is what did that. Obviously telling/being caught will "bring/transport" the pain because that's the only way to find out but the actual pain that is "brought" is caused by the affair, lies, deceit and so on.

 

At the end of the day, the BS deserves to know the truth. They deserve to know so they are given the chance to control their own lives and make choices for themselves in regards to their relationship/livelihood instead of it being handled by people who don't give a crap about them at the time.

 

 

 

 

Totally agree with this.

 

 

Also, I'm very skeptical of any claims that an undisclosed affair should stay undisclosed on the off chance it will never happen again. That's not really how people operate. Usually people repeat what 'works' for them...

 

 

If anything, they just learn how to lie better or incorporate a little side action into their day to day lives... until, one day, it blows up in their face... with consequences that are often orders of magnitude worse than if they had confessed.

 

 

Nope, to me, the only respectful thing to do is to confess, and do it in a way that is most thoughtful to the BS.

 

 

The only time I'd EVER counsel anyone not to confess is if their spouse is abusive or they feel their life/safety is in danger. In that case, they should be leaving anyway...

[Fluttershy]

I know this has been beat to death. I just wanted to add the other reason I would want to know is that I would want to be married to someone who owns their crap, does what it takes to be completely honest, and has no desire to keep something that big from me for the rest of or lives. In short, someone I can respect. Not someone who felt such little guilt they could swallow it and pretend the rest of their lives they didn't betray me.

[fellini]

Im with drifter and a few others on this:

 

My WS telling me about her affair was the worst thing she did to me. I wish she had ended it, learned from it, and made the decision to either stay or go. NOT put it all on me to take it, deal with it, make the decision to work or not on R, and to make her END IT.

 

And actually, I disagree that the pain is just the affair itself, it's also the REVEALING and resultant IMPACT of KNOWING. And for me the recovery is about the knowing, not the affair itself. I might be able to get over what the two of them did, and when and for how long, but Im never going to get over KNOWING ABOUT IT.

 

It is simply NOT true that if someone does something, gets away with it, that they will inevitably do it again. Of the nearly 20 types of infidelity, there are a handful that are simply about the WS needing to LEARN SOMETHING. When they learn it, time to get out or move on.

 

So yeah, if my WS is a sex addict, im going to want to know, because there ain't not cure for that. But if my WS is having an EXIT AFFAIR, or is merely going through a personal "SEE IF I STILL GOT IT" affair. No. In both those scenarios, (and in about a half dozen others) it's not about me, and frankly they could be out there, get it figured out, and be back in the marriage before the holidays.

Edited March 26, 2014 by fellini

[Fluttershy]

It makes me sad the people claiming to be BS saying they wouldn't want to not know. It reaffirms the thinking of "what you don't know won't hurt you". The driving force behind the cake eating affair.

[drifter777]

It makes me sad the people claiming to be BS saying they wouldn't want to not know. It reaffirms the thinking of "what you don't know won't hurt you". The driving force behind the cake eating affair.

People are different. Your opinion on this can't be wrong because it's what you believe. My opinion can't be wrong because it's what I believe. It does no earthly good to criticize each other over what we believe is the right thing for ourselves. I wish I didn't know and my reasons aren't important because if you don't agree I couldn't persuade you if I wanted to.

[ThatMan]

With all due respect drifter777, opinions aren't above reproach. Just because people believe in something doesn't mean they're somehow correct. The entire basis of which a person values an idea might be an unhealthy approach to daily life. People absolutely can create the most bizarre and twisted rationale imaginable to justify distasteful action.

 

Denial is one such unhealthy way to go about life. There are some people who've never learned how to deal with pain or stress. These people, quite frankly, cannot seem to handle anything emotionally painful. And adultery is an exceptionally painful experience for all involved.

 

Every single betrayed spouse who I've known over the years dealt with the situation in their own way. But those who have lived in denial, or continue to live in denial, outright blame others for how they're feeling. "You did this to me. You should have known from the start how you would make me feel by revealing an affair! You shouldn't have ever come forward!"

 

Grown adults sort through their own feelings. They do not assume everybody else is a minder reader. They do not fail to function when the going get's tough. And they certainly do not continue to point fingers as a complete substitute for dealing with own inner-pain.

 

Those who do rely on denial go through life bashing their skull into a brick wall and never go anywhere special...

[fellini]

With all due respect, I doubt it. If you were, your discourse would be a little more tentative. I am a BS and I agree with Drifter777 (not with his reasons, those are his, but with his assertion that a BS can rightfully say they would have preferred NOT to know) for the reasons I have given above.

 

This has NOTHING to do with being in denial. This has EVERYTHING to do with saying: choosing between two OPTIONS I choose B. Not A.

 

Nothing is universal, in spite of a massive block of BS's here in LS to try to impose a unilateral handbook to R on other BS's.

 

You seem to miss the entire point that BS are very clearly presenting:

 

IF my S has had an affair (done, nothing I can do with that now is there)

IF my S has ENDED her affair

IF my S wants to stay in the marriage and do whatever work is necessary.

 

I have two choices:

 

Find out about the affair and spend the rest of my life in some form of pain.

NOT be told about the affair and my wife gets back on course.

 

There are a million things that are going on around us everywhere in which our being informed might make us think or act differently. We cannot know all these things. NOT seeking the truth out in every single aspect of our lives does not make us in DENIAL and is NOT, definately NOT the reason that those things HAPPEN.

 

It might surprise you to think that there are a lot of couples out there for which a S could EASILY have an affair knowing their H/W will never ever find out. And they choose NOT to.

 

Every single betrayed spouse who I've known over the years dealt with the situation in their own way. But those who have lived in denial, or continue to live in denial, outright blame others for how they're feeling.

"You did this to me. You should have known from the start how you would make me feel by revealing an affair! You shouldn't have ever come forward!"

 

Actually BS's IN DENIAL or NOT in DENIAL are just as capable to blame others for what is going on around them. This is not about knowing or not knowing, it is about how individuals react to information contrary to their capacity to internalize details, to deal with emotions that hit them like a train. Here is how a BS reacts who from your perspective learns about the affair: "You did this to me. YOu should have know from the start having an affair would kill this marriage! You should never have slept with that POS. How could you do THIS to ME."

 

Same discourse, same falling back on BLAMING others for OUR internal injuries... just slightly different details.

 

If a WS has learned from and ended an affair, then it seems they have two choices: FIX what is wrong with themselves, or TELL the BS and then spend years FIXING themselves, fixing damage now caused through confession, and fixing a more damaged BS. Contrary to what many BS's say, this is not necessarily about "getting away with it" it is about achieving the REAL GOAL now that the affair is over: a better functioning relationship now, not 2 years from now. Or 4 or 6 or never.

 

 

With all due respect drifter777, opinions aren't above reproach. Just because people believe in something doesn't mean they're somehow correct. The entire basis of which a person values an idea might be an unhealthy approach to daily life. People absolutely can create the most bizarre and twisted rationale imaginable to justify distasteful action.

 

Denial is one such unhealthy way to go about life. There are some people who've never learned how to deal with pain or stress. These people, quite frankly, cannot seem to handle anything emotionally painful. And adultery is an exceptionally painful experience for all involved.

 

Every single betrayed spouse who I've known over the years dealt with the situation in their own way. But those who have lived in denial, or continue to live in denial, outright blame others for how they're feeling. "You did this to me. You should have known from the start how you would make me feel by revealing an affair! You shouldn't have ever come forward!"

 

Grown adults sort through their own feelings. They do not assume everybody else is a minder reader. They do not fail to function when the going get's tough. And they certainly do not continue to point fingers as a complete substitute for dealing with own inner-pain.

 

Those who do rely on denial go through life bashing their skull into a brick wall and never go anywhere special...

Edited March 27, 2014 by fellini

[JamesM]

It makes me sad the people claiming to be BS saying they wouldn't want to not know. It reaffirms the thinking of "what you don't know won't hurt you". The driving force behind the cake eating affair.

 

I am one who hasn't (to the best of my knowledge) been cheated on. As stated before and after reading so many stories on LS, I still affirm that I don't want to know provided it was in the past and she regretted it.

 

As fellini said, if it were a serial cheater, then I doubt it could be avoided. If my wife were that good at hiding it, then she not only deserves a reward...so do I for not noticing. If it was a one night thingy or a brief affair for whatever reason, then she ate no cake. She simply barely tasted it. And as I said above, if she did, then I know her well enough to know that SHE would be the one dealing with the guilt more than me the pain. If she told me, then we both would have the pain and perhaps the guilt.

 

Is it naive to not want to know? Not really. Is it denial? No.

 

Again, how does anyone reading this post who is (allegedly) happily married really know one way or the other if his or her spouses is cheating or has cheated? I can say quite confidently that she isn't, but unless I remember every detail of the past, I cannot say 100% that she never did. I am fairly confident that she hasn't but not with 100% confidence.

[BHsigh]

It is simply NOT true that if someone does something, gets away with it, that they will inevitably do it again. Of the nearly 20 types of infidelity, there are a handful that are simply about the WS needing to LEARN SOMETHING. When they learn it, time to get out or move on.

 

And how will the WS know that they will never have an affair again, particularly if they see no fall out from their actions? How many WS's go from being against affairs to actually having an affair? The majority that I have seen. Once that line is crossed they cannot be trusted with that decision on their own, particularly without a true awakening, and nothing does that better than seeing the pain that they have caused by having the affair.

 

You can also displace the pain all you want in regards to placing it on the confession rather than the act, but it doesn't change the fact that an affair in itself can and does cause major problems in the relationship, known or not. And the catalyst for all of the pain is the affair itself, whether you attribute it to the confession or not.

 

Have you ever heard the saying "Don't blame the messenger?", the confession is the messenger in this case.

[ThatMan]

This has NOTHING to do with being in denial. This has EVERYTHING to do with saying: choosing between two OPTIONS I choose B. Not A.

What makes you say that?

When people say things like this it makes me questions whether they fully understand the meaning of denial. You're motivations for being left in the dark are entirely up to you. Whether or not you seek to exist in a strange quasi-oblivious state or avoid pain is for you to determine.

 

Do you know what denial is?

 

Denial is a choice.

Denial is the deliberate choice to avoid pain rather than confront it.

Denial is an unhealthy way to avoid sorting through your thoughts and feelings.

Some rely on denial when they cannot to deal with emotions that hit them like a train.

 

 

At this point I don't know if you're speaking about yourself anymore, or just inventing various hypothetical ideas or situations. From what I can piece together I've noticed that you think information might make us think or act differently. I think you're completely correct about how people use information to make new decisions. Choosing how to live is called being an independent adult. Grown adults typically sort through their thoughts and feelings to decide what's best for them. Contrarily, those who are totally dependent on others rely on people to make decisions for them.

 

You've never had the choice to not be told.

Your wife isn't a mind reader. She couldn't possibly hope to know whether or not you would prefer to live in the dark. The real decision that you have before you is the choice to be a dependent rather than a grown adult. From this point onwards- where you go and what relationships you enter is entirely up to you. If you wish to enter a relationship that encourages your spouse to withhold information from you, go ahead and request exactly that. Depending on a spouse to make important decisions for you isn't how you'll succeed in advocating for yourself or become independent. You will fail to look after yourself and be robbed of the mere opportunity to make an informed decision of what's best for you. That's why what you're doing is unhealthy and why denial is unhealthy.

Edited March 28, 2014 by ThatMan
phone... added a few sentences

[Fluttershy]

After more thinking, it appears those that would rather never know are in actuality what they are saying is they want a DADT. Not an outloud one but an implied one. Perhaps if they are single it would be better to verbalize this.

 

"if you ever cheat, please do not tell me... Ever. If you do or get caught, we are done". Therefore reinforcing it is actually the knowledge of an affair that brings pain when the WS is still treating the BS well in the home.

 

But the level of intimacy, closeness and friendship I want eith my spouse means I would want to know.

[RedRobin]

Every person that hasn't been cheated on agrees with you - they all say "I would want to know" and they all believe it. When it actually happens to you, and I hope it never does - you might see things differently after the initial shock and disbelief wear off and the pain and humiliation begin to take hold. Statistics say (and I'm not sure I believe them) that you will not leave her and you will try to reconcile. The pain, effort, and frustration of R might start to change your mind as to whether it might have been better if you never knew.

 

Of course this is just my personal opinion. If fact I have only come to this conclusion within the past year. After years of trying to find some peace of mind over this horrible betrayal I have realized that ignorance - at least on this subject - really is bliss.

 

 

As a person whose WS confessed... I don't ever wish he hadn't. Even now when I often get angry... maybe very angry... to be obliged to keep dating (which I don't relish)

 

 

... I'm often meeting some of the same guys who cheated on their spouses, so its not like I'm doing much better in the character development part (whether I know it or not).... since those are the guys who end up single.

 

 

STILL... his confession brought to a head a lot of huge issues that would have been the death of our relationship at some point. We had conflict resolution problems even before his cheating. He always ran away from issues.... didn't like to negotiate... how many more 'revenge' affairs would he have had before he figured out he had a problem? I don't know. I give him credit for that. And yes, I DID know things were 'off' while he was cheating... I just didn't know what.

 

 

So, I got the validation of knowing I wasn't crazy. We had the opportunity at least to really dig in and try to solve our problems as a couple. Now I'm not strapped to a guy and making other important life decisions based on a false reality.

 

 

I suppose one could argue that every relationship has a component that is 'false'. I dunno. My parents marriage never operated like that, and they are still together after 50 years together. My ex's parents were more like what you describe and they are still together too. Kind of superficial. Difference is that my parents are deeply happy and content. His parents... not so much.

[fellini]

So basically those who do not believe it is possible that ANY BS would not want to know hold onto their basic premise.

 

You are in denial if you say you do not want to know

 

And if YOU STILL MAINTAIN that you do want to know and it has nothing to do with being in denial,

 

THEN YOU ARE IN DENIAL ABOUT YOUR DENIAL.

 

So the complexity that some BS's have / are able to communicate about their personal experiences are irrelevant, because, we are, essentially, in denial (any one of the many definitions available to us, but we are in denial. We stopped being THINKING ADULTS when we became BS's in denial.

 

The only TRUE BS is the one that adopts the mantra of LS:

 

The WS "owns" the A. The WS must "do the heavy work". (Ahhh the BS gets to sit back and watch the recovery from the vicitim section of the stadium.

 

The BS must have full 100% disclosure of all the details, that is to say, must know what he must know, even if his questions are impossible to answer: for example WHY?

 

The WS "must come clean" (which is difficult to do since the very definition of a WS by the BS is a of someone so unclean LS won't permit me to use the words)

 

The BS must never take any responsiblility whatsoever for the A, except, of course the BS must take FULL responsibility for not going into denial: i.e. not accepting the mantra of LS be as blown away by an A as possible regardless of what kind of affair it was or if it even had anything to do with the BS.