Whether or not to confess [Infidelity]

[sweet_pea]

The only people I know who say don't confess are:

 

wayward spouses

 

AP's

 

people who want to live in denial/unhealhtiness

 

Girl, yes... I've also noticed that some people who haven't actually been cheated on also say don't confess/they wouldn't want to know.

[BetrayedH]

"the problem with telling is that you're then taking all of the time in therapy and in your life where you should be focusing on making the relationship the best it can be. You spend it just talking about the past. [but] no one can change the past." Quoted from the Time article

 

 

This was the point of the article. If the WS has left the affair and is making an honest attempt at reconciliation THEN THEY SHOULDNT tell. The affair was a symptom of problems in the marriage. It is not the problem in the marriage. When the affair is revealed and not discovered undo pain is caused to the spouse AND THE ENTIRE FOCUS BECOMES ON THE PAST.. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST! I get that the spouse does not have all the facts, may be confused, hurt, angry, over why there are difficulties in the marriage and disclosure provides answers. It also provides intense pain. Many cannot ever recover from this pain. Divorce is the result. Or constant insecurity by the BS. I cannot imagine the pain it causes to wonder what your spouse is doing each time they leave the house.

 

I sit in the mist of the after effects of the affair. I felt some of the pain of being deceived but would never compare my hurt to a BS. please don't discount my words because of my status.

 

Telling inflicts intense pain, I don't think anyone can disagree with that synopsis.

 

I disagree with the entire synopsis. The affair was not a symptom of problems in the marriage. The affair was a symptom of problems within the wayward.

 

As for the focus being on the past, people who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. If the WS is still a liar, I don't think they've really learned the important lessons.

 

As for divorce being the result, perhaps that's the best thing. Apparently you don't think that the BS deserves an informed vote? Do they deserve to be tricked into staying with an unfaithful partner?

 

And as said before, the pain is not in the telling of the affair but in the fact that it happened in the first place. Most BSs would say that it's actually the deception that does the most harm. So the solution is continued deception? Sorry but, no.

[BetrayedH]

I think this is a very bias sample since it seems most people reading threads in the infidelity section are BSs (at least from my observations). I would love to hear from those who have not had an issue of infidelity or feel they are in a happy relationship now.

 

Why would you ask people for whom the question is just a hypothetical? Why not ask people that have actual experience being betrayed and deceived and see if they would have wanted it to continue at the discretion of the betrayer? If anything, since BSs are so familiar with the intense pain of betrayal you'd expect that they'd want to avoid it at all costs. But that doesn't play out here, does it? By and large, we want to be treated with enough respect to be able to make informed decisions for ourselves and we want the lies to stop. How the hell can it be a 'brilliant' marriage if one spouse is lying to the other about breaching the most fundamental part of their vows and doing it for life?

[Fluttershy]

A good article that perhaps is from a better source.

 

Should I Tell My Partner about My Affair? | Psychology Today

[waterwoman]

'Cheating is a symptom not a problem'? Not sure. I don't think I agree in many cArs. But even if it were so, don't you want to fix those problems? Finding out about an affAir, and the WS' realisation of just how much damage they have done, has a way of concentrating the mind on marital issues. Yes it's definitely kill or cure but if your marital situation was so poor you felt driven to cheat, what have you to lose,?

[Sub]

Multiple choice question...

When BS's discover an A, they say:

 

A. "I can't believe you told me you had an affair!"

B. "I can't believe I found out about your affair!"

C. "I can't believe you had an affair!"

[KathyM]

What is hurtful and destructive is the affair itself, not the honesty when it is confessed. Keeping it a secret is very self serving for the WS, not to mention very manipulative. It's deciding for your spouse what they can and cannot know over something which they have every right to know. I think what is most harmful is taking away a BS's right to the truth about their own life and to present a false image in order to manipulate the BS into staying. I think robbing a BS of their choice in life and deceiving them for a lifetime in order to get them to stay in a relationship with you is the worst thing you could do to the BS. Even worse than the infidelity itself. I also think living with the guilt without disclosing the affair is very destructive to the relationship because the couple is not able to have an authentic relationship when there is always this elephant in the room that the BS is not aware of. This lie and continued deception prevents true intimacy. It prevents the couple from truly processing and working on the relationship in the way it needs to be worked on. Not disclosing, and trying to go through life with that lie hanging over the marriage is like putting a band aid on a gaping wound and never treating the wound itself, but only covering it up temporarily hoping it will heal on its own. I don't believe true intimacy can come from a heinous lie and deception that lasts a lifetime. That is the most manipulative, selfish, dishonest and unfair thing a WS can do is to force a BS to live his life in the dark without ever knowing the truth of their relationship and who they are married to. To take away one of the most important choices he has in life. Nobody has a right to do that--to deny his spouse the truth about something so important and which impacts the BS's life so greatly. True healing comes from being honest with your spouse, being forgiven by your spouse, working through the issues that contributed to the affair together, and coming to a place of restoration, where love and trust is regained. Otherwise, it's all a facade. A manipulation. Which no one has a right to do to another person. To deceive a spouse for a lifetime, be dishonest with them for a lifetime, and deny them their choice about their own life and manipulate them to stay unknowingly in a fake marriage is the most cruel thing you could do to a spouse. Being honest with your spouse is not the cruel thing. It is the path to recovery. Without truth, there is no true recovery. Just a facade. A manipulation. And if the truth results in the BS deciding to leave the marriage, then recovery and healing happens separately for both parties, where both parties can move on with their life with full knowledge of the truth.

[SugarHibiscus]

 

All of our lives are illusions to a degree. If a wife never discovers that her husband is cheating and he still shows his love and devotion to her (or vice versa), then she is as happy as if he was not cheating perhaps.

 

For those who were incredibly happy in their marriage before DDay, can you truthfully say that if you never knew and the marriage continued on as if you were living happily ever after...do you really think you are happier now?

 

Seriously, try to think about it as if you were the person before. And realize all that this affair has done to your life. And don't focus on the anger you might feel if he had "gotten away with it."

 

Thank you for your succinct and articulate explanation. It helps explain why I would never have wanted to know about H's affair.

Edited March 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DasPope]

Yep, and that third one is incredibly rare. I have openly asked for BSs to come forward to say that they wished they never knew lots of times in the three years I've been here. You see claim on the OMOW forum all the time that the BS just doesn't want to know. In all of the times I've asked, a grand total of four people have said so. Notably, two of those were waywards.

 

I wished I never found out... It's created more problems then it solved.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I do not understand why one would want to foster a relationship that involves lying and manipulation. Wouldn't one then have to accept their partner lying and manipulating them as well?

 

Don't most expect certain ground rules to be adhered to? Wouldn't most expect to be notified if ground rules have changed?

[BHsigh]

Thank you for your succinct and articulate explanation. It helps explain why I would never have wanted to know about H's affair.

 

Hmm, while aspects of life may indeed be an illusion, my spouse should be the one truly real aspect of my life. I do not want, nor ever will want, my significant other to hold an illusion over my life about my relationship with her.

[lollipopspot]

This really is pretty simple: Telling the BS is not what causes them immense pain and hurt. HAVING THE AFFAIR is what causes the intense pain, betrayal and hurt. See, even if you don't tell the BS and they find out about the affair on their own, they will still have that same pain, anguish and hurt. Why? Because of the affair, not because of the way they found out.

 

O.k. then. The premise of the article is that the affair is already over. There is a very good chance the affair will not be found out (most are not). No telling then = no pain. Because they probably won't know about it unless you tell them. In that case, which is most, it really is the telling that will bring the pain, as otherwise they would be oblivious to it.

Edited March 20, 2014 by lollipopspot

[Bruce Leigh]

For what it's worth...My psychologist told me not to tell my H about my affair.

 

I wish my H had never told me about his affair. He made a mistake and (presumably) will never do it again. That was his burden bear. His confession alleviated his guilt but messed me up royally.

 

A question for SugarHibiscus:

 

Do you bring up your H's affair from time to time, when you argue for example? To make him feel bad about himself and what he had done to you?

Or have you both truly moved on from both affairs?

[JamesM]

Honestly....

 

If my wife had an affair in the past and as I sit here it is a possibility being that we have had a somewhat sexless marriage (sarcasm intended), then I would rather not know. For one thing knowing her as I do, it would probably be more of an emotional versus physical affair. And I also know that if it were physical, then it would be eating her up enough that she couldn't keep a secret.

 

So yes, if my wife had an emotional affair, then I don't want to know. If she had a physical affair, I still don't think I want to know. If she is having one, then I do.

 

Funny thing is...it struck me. There is a good possibility that some on LS or reading this has a spouse who is in an affair, and this person who doesn't realize the betrayal is living happily and blissfully. Could that be you...or me? Hard to say.

 

Marriage all comes down to trust pure and simple.

[Bruce Leigh]

Marriage all comes down to trust pure and simple.

 

Would explain why so few people believe in marriage these days, nobody trusts anyone anymore.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Honestly....

 

If my wife had an affair in the past and as I sit here it is a possibility being that we have had a somewhat sexless marriage (sarcasm intended), then I would rather not know. For one thing knowing her as I do, it would probably be more of an emotional versus physical affair. And I also know that if it were physical, then it would be eating her up enough that she couldn't keep a secret.

 

So yes, if my wife had an emotional affair, then I don't want to know. If she had a physical affair, I still don't think I want to know. If she is having one, then I do.

 

Funny thing is...it struck me. There is a good possibility that some on LS or reading this has a spouse who is in an affair, and this person who doesn't realize the betrayal is living happily and blissfully. Could that be you...or me? Hard to say.

 

Marriage all comes down to trust pure and simple.

 

 

For me, where this stance falls apart, is where you state "if she is having one, then I do".

 

For everyone involved in an affair, there was a point where...."they were in one"', so then....every affair should be disclosed, by your stance.

 

What I understand from your position, is that all affairs, while they are active should be disclosed. Which means disclosure should happen 100% of the time.

 

I am not totally convinced that those being cheated on are living happily. If you found out your wife had been cheating all this time, would you say that you were happy in the somewhat sexless marriage. Was it blissful for you?

[JamesM]

For me, where this stance falls apart, is where you state "if she is having one, then I do".

 

When I wrote this, I wondered how long before someone noted that I wrote it this way. And yes, I did it on purpose.

 

It doesn't fall apart if you understand what I meant IMO.

 

What is in the past cannot be changed. What is happening now can be. If she cheated in the past and we have moved beyond it, then I don't want to know about it. If it is the reason for the sexless marriage, then yes, it would be important. If it is a result of the sexless marriage, then perhaps no.

 

If it is happening now and can affect the family life we have, then it would be more important to divulge it. Yes, I understand the contradiction there....if we wait and it ends, then it is in the past.

 

My point simply is....our family at this point is more important. And revealing an affair will not most likely be a good thing for the family (ie children).

 

For everyone involved in an affair, there was a point where...."they were in one"', so then....every affair should be disclosed, by your stance.

 

With that logic, then everyone will have an affair in the past too, so no one needs to know.

 

What I understand from your position, is that all affairs, while they are active should be disclosed. Which means disclosure should happen 100% of the time.

 

No, I simply said that if she was having one now, then I (and am not speaking for others) would want to know because I can (possibly) do something about it to keep our family together.

 

I am not totally convinced that those being cheated on are living happily.

 

Maybe or maybe not, but so many have reported here over the years that up until that moment (DDay) they were living in a happy marriage. My comment is for those individuals. And as I stated, anyone of us could be in those moments before a DDay.

 

If you found out your wife had been cheating all this time, would you say that you were happy in the somewhat sexless marriage. Was it blissful for you?

 

What cannot be changed is the past. Knowing about an affair may explain the past, but it won't bring back the past. A disclosure of an affair would destroy our family. I like our family as it is today despite the less than satisfactory sex life. And even that is getting less important as I get older. What I want more than all that is a happy family life for my children. And divulging an affair from the past, which would only be done probably at this point by my wife for self redemption, would tear us apart and then (possibly) ruin the family. I would rather keep the family life as it is, which is actually relatively happy, even if it is an illusion as some may call it.

[WrinkledForehead]

I agree with the a article. It was the agreed upon decision between myself and my partner. We chose to carry the burden of the secret so his then-partner wouldn't be more hurt when he chose to leave her. I respect his decision. I also did not want to be seen as some harlot; gossipping townspeople are quick to shame the OW.

 

I can't speak for all A-relationships; only my own.

[xAkulax]

I agree with the a article. It was the agreed upon decision between myself and my partner. We chose to carry the burden of the secret so his then-partner wouldn't be more hurt when he chose to leave her. I respect his decision. I also did not want to be seen as some harlot; gossipping townspeople are quick to shame the OW.

 

I can't speak for all A-relationships; only my own.

 

 

 

But ultimately his action still cause pain to his spouse so what's the difference

[Imported]

O.k. then. The premise of the article is that the affair is already over. There is a very good chance the affair will not be found out (most are not). No telling then = no pain. Because they probably won't know about it unless you tell them. In that case, which is most, it really is the telling that will bring the pain, as otherwise they would be oblivious to it.

 

You know what people doing dishonest stuff do if they get away clean?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They continue being dishonest. Bull**** it's over. Maybe over with that person, but along comes another temptation. And here we go again with the rationalizations on why they are still a good person even with all the lieing and cheating.

 

Good people don't lie and cheat.

[Charlie Harper]

I wish I never knew, it was so distantnt in the past (8 years) that it did not matter (at least to me), what was devastating was finding out she did not care for me and that affair was the start of a very long and bit by bit destruction of the marriage.

 

Now after 4 years of that, I am sure she told me not out of honesty but to hurt me, the Irony of the whole ordeal is that I tried my best to save everything till I gave up a year ago, now she is desperate because she knows I am surrounded by women, having a good time and feeling good about myself...

 

If I had done it...I would have never told her....

[Bruce Leigh]

So I tell people, if you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can. But confessing your affair is the kind of honesty that is unnecessarily destructive.

You also have to tell if discovery is imminent or likely. If you're going to be found out, then it's better for you to be the one to make the confession first."

 

She says that above but then there is this quote from her book:

“When people regret leaving their spouse for a lover, one of the reasons they most often cite for their mistake is not giving themselves the opportunity to see their lover as the person he/she really is.”

“If you’re thinking of trading up, to minimize the risk of getting a lemon you’d better make it one hell of a test drive.”

 

So

the cheater "test drives" to make sure they don't get a lemon, finds out that person is a lemon, then slips back into blissful life with their partner. And life goes on.

Give me a break.

[drifter777]

All I know is that I wish I never knew about my wife's cheating. Of course now that I do know the thought of her keeping it from me and lying makes me crazy. The fact is if I didn't know then I wouldn't know she was lying and withholding and making a chump out of me. When I watch a movie and there is cheating I wouldn't trigger. My mind wouldn't be attacked by images of her and him. Man, this is really a no-brainer for me. I pray that I could somehow un-know about what she did and actually fantasize about having a lobotomy so I won't remember and won't care even if I did.

 

It's not like it would have been "worse" if she would have kept it from me and I found out on my own. Being crushed by a 10-ton truck is probably pretty much the same as being crushed by a 100-ton truck.

[ascendotum]

......

I think the hiding of the infidelity is an offense as big as the infidelity itself and any person who loves their partner would understand that too.

I think it all comes down to the Truman's show... he was happy with his life till he found out everything was a lie. Would you like to be Truman?

 

I found your example of Truman weird. To me his scenario supports the article in the OP. He was happy with his life being ignorant of what was going on behind the scenes. He became unhappy when he discovered the truth. From the perspective of the cheater 'what they dont know wont hurt them. From the perspective of the BS, they they hate the thought of being stooged by the person they trust the most. Both are valid imo. It depends on which side of the affair you fall on as to which outcome has the best logic (minus emotions).

 

I also found it strange when someone said how dare the cheater presume to know me at all and whats best for me. I would have thought for most people the person that actually does know them the best is their long time husband/wife. Of course not confessing to avoid inflicting any pain on their partner is most often really the smaller part of the motivation compared to the part of having their partner scream abuse at them & love them less or walk out over the betrayal of their trust.

[Zenstudent]

In my mind, this is really easy. It all boils down to who you wanna be. If you wanna be an honest person with integrity, you don't lie. If you wanna be an untrustworthy person, you think honesty is a burden when things get difficult.

 

I find it hard to understand the contradiction in saying: "I have learned my lesson, I won't lie and cheat anymore, but I'll hide truth and take it to the grave..."