xAkulax Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Where'd you get your Phd? This is why this discussion always gets mean. Remember, every single one of us lives in a glass house. Face it, legitimate reasons for non-confession do exist. I wish my H had never told me about his affair. He made a mistake and (presumably) will never do it again. That was his burden bear. His confession alleviated his guilt but messed me up royally. It's important to look at your motivation for confessing. Are you looking to alleviate your guilt? To work on your marriage? If your truly not going to stray again, don't tell. It's a devastating blow to BS. So you rather live in blissful ignorance to ???????????
lollipopspot Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 So you rather live in blissful ignorance????????? It would depend on the situation. For example: If I was happy in my marriage, believed my husband to be (affairs do happen in content marriages), and just had a new baby, or was going through cancer treatments, or was otherwise in a vulnerable time in my life (or maybe even not in a vulnerable time), I would not want to deal with the revelation of a short and ended affair, if my husband soul searched, learned something from it, and was not going to repeat it. If I really had no inkling, I'm not sure that it benefits me to know. People make mistakes. I've known people (not me) who had brief indiscretions at some time in their partnership, but re-committed (never telling their partner), and went on to have brilliant marriages. Since when is honesty the highest value? If you don't love your kid, should you tell them you don't love them, in the interest of honesty?
Sub Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 If you don't love your kid, should you tell them you don't love them, in the interest of honesty? This is a horrible analogy. Love for a child is a lot different than love for a mate. You don't find another kid to love in place of the one you have. Even if we followed this line of thinking: if somebody doesn't love their child, they should put them in a position to be loved by someone, if they're at all decent. What a weird thing to say, though. 2
JamesM Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I am going to say that there are times that it is better to be quiet. I think the question remains...what is the time? Problem is that we may not know and then we are on to the "it is better that you confess than get found out." I think it all comes down to the Truman's show... he was happy with his life till he found out everything was a lie. Would you like to be Truman? Your analogy actually proves the point of this article but not in the way that you mean. If Truman had died and never found out that he was in a "fake" world (which it was and wasn't), then he would have been happier in many ways than when he found out that he was in a fake world. All of our lives are illusions to a degree. If a wife never discovers that her husband is cheating and he still shows his love and devotion to her (or vice versa), then she is as happy as if he was not cheating perhaps. Is breaking that illusion better than living it? For those who were incredibly happy in their marriage before DDay, can you truthfully say that if you never knew and the marriage continued on as if you were living happily ever after...do you really think you are happier now? If you had died on the day before you found out about the affair, then do you think you would have felt like your life was a "Truman's World?" Seriously, try to think about it as if you were the person before. And realize all that this affair has done to your life. And don't focus on the anger you might feel if he had "gotten away with it." I contend that many may have been better off not knowing. Go ahead...now shoot me. 2
JamesM Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 If you don't love your kid, should you tell them you don't love them, in the interest of honesty? This is a horrible analogy. Love for a child is a lot different than love for a mate. You don't find another kid to love in place of the one you have. Even if we followed this line of thinking: if somebody doesn't love their child, they should put them in a position to be loved by someone, if they're at all decent. What a weird thing to say, though. Actually, there is some truth here. Having children and at times feeling embarrassed by or for them which perhaps may make me less proud and outward loving towards them...how far do you go in what you tell them? It IS sometimes better to be quiet and wait it out.
Sub Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Actually, there is some truth here. Having children and at times feeling embarrassed by or for them which perhaps may make me less proud and outward loving towards them...how far do you go in what you tell them? It IS sometimes better to be quiet and wait it out. There are options between silence and "I don't love you, kid." If my son does something embarrassing, I let him know what he did in a constructive way. I'm still honest with him. I don't act like what happened NEVER happened. Which is what concealing an A is doing. 1
JamesM Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I would like to add that there may be some here that right now ARE living in Truman's World of Illusions but don't know it yet. Can you say that you are less than happy? Even those who have gotten past DDay may still have some realities ahead that will take away the current illusion of full discovery and truth and happiness. 1
lollipopspot Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 This is a horrible analogy. Love for a child is a lot different than love for a mate. You don't find another kid to love in place of the one you have. Even if we followed this line of thinking: if somebody doesn't love their child, they should put them in a position to be loved by someone, if they're at all decent. What a weird thing to say, though. You might find someone in place of your kid to love. A pet, another person, it doesn't have to be the same relationship. Not everyone views their children in the same way. It's not about this, regardless. It's about whether rigorous honesty is always the best policy, and I don't believe it is.
katielee Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 and went on to have brilliant marriages. Since when is honesty the highest value? If you don't love your kid, should you tell them you don't love them, in the interest of honesty? A brilliant marriage based on a lie? Really? Honesty the highest value? I'm thinking yes. If you don't have your integrity what exactly do you have? Anything? My husband asked me what I wanted in the marriage. I said a commitment to honesty. He said really, not fidelity? No, I want honesty. 3
lollipopspot Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Honesty the highest value? I'm thinking yes. If you don't have your integrity what exactly do you have? Anything? If you find you don't love your kid, will you tell them?
xAkulax Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 OK here the problem I have with this logic essentially its saying what your spouse doesn't know wont hurt them but what happens when they do find out. How many Betrayed Spouse here would have a little bit more respect for there waywards if they came clean about there affairs and pleading for forgiveness before being discovered. That simple act of humility could have made a difference in how the BS choose to resolve the issue I am not saying confessing will automatically = reconciliation but I cant image it not helping in some way. lying shows none of this it shows no humility no respect and definitely dose nothing to help you when found out the only thing lying can do is amplify the problem by a factor of ten. How many story have we heard on this site alone of a Betrayed Spouse finding out about an affair years after the fact and in most cases it lead to divorce because of how long the secret was kept from them. The only way this type of think can work is if the non cheating spouse knowingly and choosingly decide to bare their head in the sand and live there life in blissful ignorance how many of us want to live like that.....Not many I think. The truth hurts yes but it's also best sign of true remorse and the best foundation to repair the marriage. just my 2 cents 2
Sub Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Your analogy actually proves the point of this article but not in the way that you mean. If Truman had died and never found out that he was in a "fake" world (which it was and wasn't), then he would have been happier in many ways than when he found out that he was in a fake world. But Truman didn't die, so the original reference doesn't prove the point of the article. What you're ignoring is the possibility that in the long run Truman could end up happier in reality than in the "fake" world. You're assuming that the "fake" world is the happiest he could possibly be, not giving him the chance to decide which would make him happier based on the truth. To equate it to the non-disclosure of an A, the WS is deciding THEY know what is best for their BS. They don't give them the choice to potentially be happier and find someone who would be completely honest and faithful to them. That's why non-disclosure is so much more self-serving for the WS than disclosure, IMO. 2
atreides Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 There is a tragic contradictory rationale that equates kindness to love, while kindness can be an attribute of love, if one decides not to tell of their A for one of "love's" attributes mistaking it for love itself, they are either: Still in the A fog or never... sadly understood what love is. Perhaps the underlying reason for the A itself can be seeded in that rationale. I will end with, Love endures where kindness can no longer venture, if one needs to ask if they should confess, they never understood it to begin with. 5
janedoe67 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 There is a tragic contradictory rationale that equates kindness to love, while kindness can be an attribute of love, if one decides not to tell of their A for one of "love's" attributes mistaking it for love itself, they are either: Still in the A fog or never... sadly understood what love is. Perhaps the underlying reason for the A itself can be seeded in that rationale. I will end with, Love endures where kindness can no longer venture, if one needs to ask if they should confess, they never understood it to begin with. This reminds me of the truth of an old proverb: More faithful are the wounds of a friend than the kisses of an enemy 3
Fluttershy Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 If you find you don't love your kid, will you tell them? You are stuck on an analogy that doesn't work. Who cares bout telling yoù kid you don't love them? Kids know when their parent don't love them. If your spouse is about to breath his last breath that is probably not a necessary time to confess. Truemen wasn't happy in his false reality. He knew something was wrong and so he pressed until he knew the truth. And the show ends with the idea that he could finally be with the woman who truly loves him and not the actress. Chosing not to tell isn't noble. I get it is more involved and ther are different opinions but actively decieveing someone to "spare" their feelings? I say that is more consequence avoiding than some selfless act. My H confessed. He felt no risk of discovery as his AP still denies the A. And though the immediate pain was horrible in the long run it was better for us. I never had to ask myself if he would have kept me against my will for x amount of years longer. And I got an open and honest husband willing to do the hard workon himsel to boot. A man of integrity. 4
atreides Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I was reading about this Truman analogy. The point was never about the illusion but the constant drive that was from within Truman not knowing quite what it was but a constant need for more... to know. It was never a question of "ignorance is bliss" but the validation of what was inside Truman, that he ultimately knew there was more.
xAkulax Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) It would depend on the situation. For example: If I was happy in my marriage, believed my husband to be (affairs do happen in content marriages), and just had a new baby, or was going through cancer treatments, or was otherwise in a vulnerable time in my life (or maybe even not in a vulnerable time), I would not want to deal with the revelation of a short and ended affair, if my husband soul searched, learned something from it, and was not going to repeat it. If I really had no inkling, I'm not sure that it benefits me to know. People make mistakes. I've known people (not me) who had brief indiscretions at some time in their partnership, but re-committed (never telling their partner), and went on to have brilliant marriages. Since when is honesty the highest value? If you don't love your kid, should you tell them you don't love them, in the interest of honesty? I don't know why but I find that so disturbing.... If the truth came out how long do think that marriage would stay brilliant ????? Edited March 19, 2014 by xAkulax 2
Mycatsnuggles Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 "the problem with telling is that you're then taking all of the time in therapy and in your life where you should be focusing on making the relationship the best it can be. You spend it just talking about the past. [but] no one can change the past." Quoted from the Time article This was the point of the article. If the WS has left the affair and is making an honest attempt at reconciliation THEN THEY SHOULDNT tell. The affair was a symptom of problems in the marriage. It is not the problem in the marriage. When the affair is revealed and not discovered undo pain is caused to the spouse AND THE ENTIRE FOCUS BECOMES ON THE PAST.. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST! I get that the spouse does not have all the facts, may be confused, hurt, angry, over why there are difficulties in the marriage and disclosure provides answers. It also provides intense pain. Many cannot ever recover from this pain. Divorce is the result. Or constant insecurity by the BS. I cannot imagine the pain it causes to wonder what your spouse is doing each time they leave the house. I sit in the mist of the after effects of the affair. I felt some of the pain of being deceived but would never compare my hurt to a BS. please don't discount my words because of my status. Telling inflicts intense pain, I don't think anyone can disagree with that synopsis. 4
Author c0nfused88 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) Most people would say that they really would want to know and want complete honesty, however, I think if you truly thought about it you might not want to know. If your partner made a one time mistake (or even a series of mistakes), was truly remorseful and committed to you and fixing your relationship and themselves, what good is telling you? It as the previous poster said makes you take a giant leap back and live in the past and not in the present. I say this with the caveat of you having not put your SO at risk with unprotected sex. (I agree with the article in that if you did practice safe sex or you have been tested before being with your partner then you may not want to tell.) I am also talking about cheating of any kind-- whether emotional or physical and one time or many times. One could sit here and make various arguments for not telling based on what the cheating was and entailed. Edited March 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
BHsigh Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 "the problem with telling is that you're then taking all of the time in therapy and in your life where you should be focusing on making the relationship the best it can be. You spend it just talking about the past. [but] no one can change the past." Quoted from the Time article This was the point of the article. If the WS has left the affair and is making an honest attempt at reconciliation THEN THEY SHOULDNT tell. The affair was a symptom of problems in the marriage. It is not the problem in tuhe marriage. When the affair is revealed and not discovered undo pain is caused to the spouse AND THE ENTIRE FOCUS BECOMES ON THE PAST.. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST! I get that the spouse does not have all the facts, may be confused, hurt, angry, over why there are difficulties in the marriage and disclosure provides answers. It also provides intense pain. Many cannot ever recover from this pain. Divorce is the result. Or constant insecurity by the BS. I cannot imagine the pain it causes to wonder what your spouse is doing each time they leave the house. I sit in the mist of the after effects of the affair. I felt some of the pain of being deceived but would never compare my hurt to a BS. please don't discount my words because of my status. Telling inflicts intense pain, I don't think anyone can disagree with that synopsis. Wrong, I fully disagree with your statement that telling inflicts intense pain, the act of having the affair is what causes the pain. I wasn't told, I had to find out on my own, it would have been much better for her to have told me. A confession helps to prove right away that the WS is sincere and willing to leave or work on recovery together. You all are placing the blame in the incorrect place when you say that telling inflicts pain, don't you realize that the pain is already there, you're just hiding it. 4
BetrayedH Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 If Truman had died and never found out that he was in a "fake" world (which it was and wasn't), then he would have been happier in many ways than when he found out that he was in a fake world. Ah, but that's not how the story went, was it? Despite all of their technology and ridiculous efforts to keep up the subterfuge, the truth came out. Funny how movies can mirror real life. 3
xAkulax Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 "the problem with telling is that you're then taking all of the time in therapy and in your life where you should be focusing on making the relationship the best it can be. You spend it just talking about the past. [but] no one can change the past." Quoted from the Time article This was the point of the article. If the WS has left the affair and is making an honest attempt at reconciliation THEN THEY SHOULDNT tell. The affair was a symptom of problems in the marriage. It is not the problem in the marriage. When the affair is revealed and not discovered undo pain is caused to the spouse AND THE ENTIRE FOCUS BECOMES ON THE PAST.. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST! I get that the spouse does not have all the facts, may be confused, hurt, angry, over why there are difficulties in the marriage and disclosure provides answers. It also provides intense pain. Many cannot ever recover from this pain. Divorce is the result. Or constant insecurity by the BS. I cannot imagine the pain it causes to wonder what your spouse is doing each time they leave the house. I sit in the mist of the after effects of the affair. I felt some of the pain of being deceived but would never compare my hurt to a BS. please don't discount my words because of my status. Telling inflicts intense pain, I don't think anyone can disagree with that synopsis. Your argument is based on the assumption the other spouse WONT FIND OUT what if they do find out do you think saying its in the past will make it any less painful NO! who are you to judge what your spouse should or shouldn't know that nothing more then gaslighting manipulation that's not a marriage at lest not one I want. 2
BHsigh Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) . Most people would say that they really would want to know and want complete honesty, however, I think if you truly thought about it you might not want to know. If your partner made a one time mistake (or even a series of mistakes), was truly remorseful and committed to you and fixing your relationship and themselves, what good is telling you? It as the previous poster said makes you take a giant leap back and live in the past and not in the present. I don't think that you fully understand the circular logic that you just laid on the table. Anyone that would be in the position where it actually mattered would be a bs. Plus, thinking how you would handle something is far different than actually handling it, I always said that an affair would be the absolute end, and yet here I am, trying to reconcile. Edited March 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Mycatsnuggles Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I remember being newly married with a semi flirtatious husband. I drove myself insane with jealousy that he would cheat one me. Until one day it dawned on me regardless of what I would do, no matter how beautiful I was, how good I kept our home, how amazing the sex was, if he wanted to cheat he would. It was a freeing moment. He was a good husband, he loved and cared for us, did he cheat? I really don't think so, but I wouldn't want to know if he did. Cheating is a symptom. Not the problem.
sweet_pea Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 This really is pretty simple: Telling the BS is not what causes them immense pain and hurt. HAVING THE AFFAIR is what causes the intense pain, betrayal and hurt. See, even if you don't tell the BS and they find out about the affair on their own, they will still have that same pain, anguish and hurt. Why? Because of the affair, not because of the way they found out. 4
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