c0nfused88 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I read this interesting article that has argued that confession might not be the best. Here is the part I found most interesting: " TIME: Should you confess if you feel guilty about it? No. I've got to tell you that this is very, very important. I'm a person who is just an advocate of truth. I really will do anything to tell the truth, so it took me a long time to get to the point where I say, just don't tell. Because how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow. Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people. And when you confess to having an affair, you are hurting someone more than you can ever imagine. So I tell people, if you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can. But confessing your affair is the kind of honesty that is unnecessarily destructive. There are two huge exceptions to not telling: if you're having an affair and you haven't practiced safe sex, even if it's only one time, you have to tell. Again, the moral principle is minimizing the hurt. But this time, the greatest risk of hurt comes from inflicting a sexually transmitted disease, and I've never seen a relationship recover from that. You also have to tell if discovery is imminent or likely. If you're going to be found out, then it's better for you to be the one to make the confession first." Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell - TIME Most people around here seem to argue that you should ALWAYS tell or that they would want to know if the situation was reversed. However, if you know your partner is likely to be devastated but also likely to forgive you and you are truly remorseful and making the changes in yourself and the relationship so it never happens again-- what good is telling? 1
Fluttershy Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I've read that article. It is clung to by almost all WS who want to justify their descision to continue to decieve their spouse and keep their spouse in a marriage without their knowledge. Very few BS in the end wish they never knew. They of corse wish their ws never cheated. But to be held hostage by a lie? That is not love. Or selfless. 16
Spark1111 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Who, in an affair, has practiced safe sex? very, very few. swept up in the moment, reduced to adolescent 17-year old behavior, few, oh-so- few....practice safe sex....at least, initially. Me: My h had an affair, but swore they practiced safe sex. My OBGYN: ( After a long stare) Here's a script. Go get tested and I will see you in 3 weeks. The script contained a full battery of blood tests, including HPV, Clamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphillis, and HIV.....shudder. the doctor has seen and knows more about human sexuality than I do. He's heard it a thousand times from patients. Yeah, keep that secret from me to protect my FEELINGS! Give me a break.... 8
Fluttershy Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Who, in an affair, has practiced safe sex? very, very few. swept up in the moment, reduced to adolescent 17-year old behavior, few, oh-so- few....practice safe sex....at least, initially. Me: My h had an affair, but swore they practiced safe sex. My OBGYN: ( After a long stare) Here's a script. Go get tested and I will see you in 3 weeks. The script contained a full battery of blood tests, including HPV, Clamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphillis, and HIV.....shudder. the doctor has seen and knows more about human sexuality than I do. He's heard it a thousand times from patients. Yeah, keep that secret from me to protect my FEELINGS! Give me a break.... People who are in it for the sex are more likely to practice it. On a cheaters forum I wound up on the people who actively searched for a side toy almost always used protection. The ones in a "love" affair rarely did. The doctors always test for everything because the only safe sex is no sex. 1
Spark1111 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 So, who or what do you believe? most cheaters in an attempt to CYA, proclaim it was sex only. Yet, most BS hopefully come to realize that rant cannot be trusted. Most astute Docs know this WAAAY before a BS has reached the same conclusion. So test for all of it, no MATTER what a fWS claims. Why is that? Cheaters lie. test for all. Better safe than sorry. as for the OP: If you didn't think, care, or acknowledge my feelings while screwing your brains out with you AP, how DARE you condescendingly try to protect my feelings in the TELLING of the very acts that betrayed me. What am I a child? Be an adult. own your actions, as adolescent as they were. Give ME a chance to decide if I want a future with you. Anything else is self-serving drivel. You know his has the worst reaction? a cheater who is then cheated on. why is that? 5
atreides Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Given that I do not know of one affair for the context above of being remorseful and BS willing to forgive.... that the one's in the A have the rational to know what they want beyond the A fog. The article assumes a context that is simply not there for which to base its argument 1
BetrayedH Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) It's not the telling of the affair that reigns destruction on the marriage. It's the affair itself that does so and continuing the deception is just a continuation of the damage. Just because you've doped someone up so that they don't feel the knife in their back doesn't mean that they don't need to go to the hospital. And Fluttershy, I'm also tired of this article making the rounds as if one person's opinion in Time magazine justifies tricking a spouse into a lifetime sham. What's next, John Stossel? ETA: I also agree with Spark that the preponderance of APs engaging in unsafe sex is absolutely alarming. My wife didn't use protection. But I guess we should trust the liars and deceivers to protect us, right? Definitely smart to trust their good judgement about whether we deserve to know about their affair. Piffle. Edited March 19, 2014 by BetrayedH 4
Sub Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 "If you're going to be found out, then it's better for you to be the one to make the confession first." I had to wipe my eyes and make sure I read this part correctly. It sounds like a teenager wrote it. In essence, they just argued against their own theory.
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I believe the higher morale principle should be not hurting others. However, that horse left the building once the WS decided to engage in an affair. Is that really the person who should be left with ALL the decisions in the aftermath? I also believe that that view, sets up a trap in the betrayer mind. The affair then did not cause hurt....did it? For most, it would validate the thought process "what they don't know won't hurt them", and they continue to lie about things in their life. Their chances of being repeat offenders are much higher. They put themselves above their spouse, in being able to handle the truth. How condescending. Many WS claim that they are the "golden" spouse, and their BS is the one with all the faults. How true do you think that is? Do you believe that cheating is a pretty big fault? How is it fair that the faults of the BS are upfront and in your face....to be taken inventory of, while the WS gets to hide their (for most) huge fault? A fault that the BS never gets to decide if they want to live their life with, or even protect themselves from. For me, as a somewhat intelligent woman...the idea that someone else believes that they know what is best for me without even consulting me and even worst...takes advice from someone who doesn't know me AT ALL over MY own views is beyond patronizing. What's next? I shouldnt be trusted with the PIN number to my own debit card? Because the bus driver said so? Not to mention....the very same person who used lies and manipulation to engage in the affair....now wants to use....lies and manipulation to get out of it. Where is the lesson in that? Seems to me like lying and manipulation was a win-win, where is the catalyst to change those behaviours? How do people come to a place of change? By holding themselves accountable. That very act separates them from their prior acts. That is the first step. Also, what does "make the relationship as honest as you can" mean? Isn't that still an "out" statement? I see a whole lot of mental gymnastic room to justify a whole lot of destructive behaviours/thought processes. 8
cozycottagelg Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Who, in an affair, has practiced safe sex? very, very few. swept up in the moment, reduced to adolescent 17-year old behavior, few, oh-so- few....practice safe sex....at least, initially. Me: My h had an affair, but swore they practiced safe sex. My OBGYN: ( After a long stare) Here's a script. Go get tested and I will see you in 3 weeks. The script contained a full battery of blood tests, including HPV, Clamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphillis, and HIV.....shudder. the doctor has seen and knows more about human sexuality than I do. He's heard it a thousand times from patients. Yeah, keep that secret from me to protect my FEELINGS! Give me a break.... The article states that if safe sex was not practiced that you should tell. It said that specifically.
SugarHibiscus Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 For what it's worth...My psychologist told me not to tell my H about my affair.
SugarHibiscus Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 For what it's worth... Your psychologist is really a bad one! Good luck living a lie! I hope you will be happy every time your husband tells you how he loves you and you look into his eyes knowing how you are deceiving him! Where'd you get your Phd? This is why this discussion always gets mean. Remember, every single one of us lives in a glass house. Face it, legitimate reasons for non-confession do exist. I wish my H had never told me about his affair. He made a mistake and (presumably) will never do it again. That was his burden bear. His confession alleviated his guilt but messed me up royally. It's important to look at your motivation for confessing. Are you looking to alleviate your guilt? To work on your marriage? If your truly not going to stray again, don't tell. It's a devastating blow to BS. 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 For what it's worth...My psychologist told me not to tell my H about my affair. Your psychologist is representing you not your husband. Did your husband sign off on "however your psychologists wants to run MY life is okay with me, I give them free rein to make all my life choices" ? How would you feel if your husband says to you "the bank manager said it was okay for me to sign your name to a 20 year lease on a property in the North Pole, said it really was none of your business as long as it makes me feel good". "Oh, by the way....where is your half of the money?" 8
Sub Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 If your truly not going to stray again, don't tell. It's a devastating blow to BS. I just don't see this as a legitimate reason. You're portraying the confession as self-serving - alleviating one's guilt, which is highly debatable. But the A and the secret of the A are more self-serving for the WS than a confession. The damage to the BS lies in the A, not the confession of it. 7
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I just don't see this as a legitimate reason. You're portraying the confession as self-serving - alleviating one's guilt, which is highly debatable. But the A and the secret of the A are more self-serving for the WS than a confession. The damage to the BS lies in the A, not the confession of it. Not to mention the damage done to a WS integrity and self respect are in the lies and betrayal. That as long as they hold onto them, they are that. Why is it wrong for a WS to confess for their own moral compass anyways? They are the ones that have to live with themselves for the rest of their life, regardless of the outcome of the relationship. Why would a remorseful person be expected to carry that inside, never being able to unburden themselves and live their life as they see themselves? Why isn't ....because I can't live a lie ...not a good enough reason? Why is it deemed to be selfish? Is the affair or disclosure the more selfish act? 3
SugarHibiscus Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Not to mention the damage done to a WS integrity and self respect are in the lies and betrayal. That as long as they hold onto them, they are that. Why is it wrong for a WS to confess for their own moral compass anyways? They are the ones that have to live with themselves for the rest of their life, regardless of the outcome of the relationship. Why would a remorseful person be expected to carry that inside, never being able to unburden themselves and live their life as they see themselves? Why isn't ....because I can't live a lie ...not a good enough reason? Why is it deemed to be selfish? Is the affair or disclosure the more selfish act? Certainly, A is the most selfish act. As to the moral question of confession, I wish I knew the answer. I don't. This is just my personal opinion. The WS has to live with deception and lies no matter what. Confession or no confession. Confession spreads the misery around. There are many reasons when confession is appropriate. Some of these include being a serial cheater, a sex addict, exposure to STD's and many others. In my opinion, if the WS is truly remorseful and is never going to stray again, it is best not to disclose. Again, just my opinion. I wish my H had never told me. Really, I do. I know I'm in the minority and most people do want to know about infidelity. 1
BHsigh Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I wish my H had never told me. Really, I do. I know I'm in the minority and most people do want to know about infidelity. Wow, I wish that I could say that. I find myself on the opposite spectrum, I wish that my wife had told me, it would have shown that she at least had "some" respect for me during all of that. 6
Spark1111 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 The article states that if safe sex was not practiced that you should tell. It said that specifically. Then, according to my doc, that article is for those 1percenters. 3
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Certainly, A is the most selfish act. As to the moral question of confession, I wish I knew the answer. I don't. This is just my personal opinion. The WS has to live with deception and lies no matter what. Confession or no confession. Confession spreads the misery around. There are many reasons when confession is appropriate. Some of these include being a serial cheater, a sex addict, exposure to STD's and many others. In my opinion, if the WS is truly remorseful and is never going to stray again, it is best not to disclose. Again, just my opinion. I wish my H had never told me. Really, I do. I know I'm in the minority and most people do want to know about infidelity. I guess we differ on the idea of living with the lies regardless of confession. For myself, once I have taken ownership of something, dealt with the consequences, made amends where I could.....I no longer have that over my head. I freed myself from those actions. I no longer am those actions. I am, who I am, in the present. My past poor choices do not hurt the me today. Because, I owned all the consequences that were due me. I gladly took them. My slate is clean. 4
Sub Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I wish my H had never told me. Really, I do. I know I'm in the minority and most people do want to know about infidelity. To me, you're confusing the A with the confession. You "wish" he never had an A. That's what hurts. By saying the pain is in him telling you, it sounds as if you'd rather him not confess even if you knew he had an A. Is that the case? 1
janedoe67 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 The only people I know who say don't confess are: wayward spouses AP's people who want to live in denial/unhealhtiness 7
lollipopspot Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I agree with the article. All honesty is not helpful or ultimately kind. I have been told truths that did not elevate my life in any way, and in fact damaged it. There are times when it's better not to know something, but it depends on the situation and people involved.
BetrayedH Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 The only people I know who say don't confess are: wayward spouses AP's people who want to live in denial/unhealhtiness Yep, and that third one is incredibly rare. I have openly asked for BSs to come forward to say that they wished they never knew lots of times in the three years I've been here. You see claim on the OMOW forum all the time that the BS just doesn't want to know. In all of the times I've asked, a grand total of four people have said so. Notably, two of those were waywards. 1
xAkulax Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I agree with the article. All honesty is not helpful or ultimately kind. I have been told truths that did not elevate my life in any way, and in fact damaged it. There are times when it's better not to know something, but it depends on the situation and people involved. So you rather live in blissful ignorance?????????
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