Author Thunderbolt Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 we are rooting for you kiddo! stay focused on what is best and healthiest for YOU! Whether it is Single guy, xMM or NONE of the above! choose a man who is at least TRYING to meet your needs, or choose no one. I wish you peace and confidence in YOUR future. make it shine. Thanks for being sweet -- I really appreciate it.
Author Thunderbolt Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 Luckily your question and answer are in the same paragraph you wrote. HE chose to go back home. And he'd still be there if not for the H of yet another mistress. Meaning, left to his OWN devices - he would STILL BE M. He's only D because he got ratted out. Never forget that. He is only pursuing you because he needs a soft place to land. Don't be fooled again. You are correct. Tough reality, but so true.
Lady2163 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I have one of those I met 26 years ago. We connect every once in a while, but only when I initiate since I've refused to give me phone number or email to him. We live in the same small town and I'm pretty sure he knows where I live. The reason we are at the point of limited contact is because I didn't like the way he treated me. My wants and needs didn't come first or even second. If his wife died or divorced him and he showed up on my doorstep, I would tell him point blank: no sneaking around. I would pursue a public RELATIONSHIP Not a fling with him, but it would have to be a real relationship and taking things slowl But I'm single. I don't envy you, you may love and care for your boyfriend, but are being challenged and tempted by history. That's pretty powerful. You say you're going through some stuff with the boyfriend. Is it possible to suggest you both date other people? Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I'm in agreeance with nearly everything that's been written. Maybe I just needed to read these responses in order to really understand what's going on. I do plan on working towards a successful relationship with my current boyfriend. Perhaps I've just been caught up in a vulnerable state given our recent struggles as a couple. I feel confident that we can resolve them -- it's just bad timing with xMM resurfacing. I will have to let xMM know that from my perspective, he needs to deal with the ending of his marriage and have some time on his own afterwards -- I guess it's just as simple as that. Am I reading between the lines here? Be honest with yourself. Seems you're not closing the door on exMM. If you feel there might be a future with you and exMM once the D is final and he's had time alone to grow and just be on his own, heal from his marriage, get used to all the changes that will happen, etc, then you might as well come clean to your boyfriend and let him know what is going on. Really is a waste of both of your efforts to try to work through current issues if already you're thinking a 'what if' future with exMM once he is divorced. Just something to think about. 2
Ruffian1 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 that it was more reason to believe that his marriage was truly over (meaning that the reason he had another affair is because he was so unhappy in his marriage). :laugh: He was not “unhappy’ he was eating cake. He just moved back home and continued to eat cake with the new A partner. I decided that he made his decision to move back home and that it just wasn't a good idea to continue being in a relationship together when he was supposed to be working on his marriage How is being in an A with a new OW working on his marriage? It was so much work and I sacrificed so much for him. Yeah, imagine how is BS feels. If he didn't care enough about you when you loved him, why would you even consider him now that his wife has cut him loose? Do NOT be anyone's Plan B, fall back girl. And tell him that. You are in love with a fantasy, a ghost, a man who did not materialize to meet YOUR needs when push came to shove. ^^^This. Remember, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Think long and hard before you go there again. 1
Snipercatt Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 (meaning that the reason he had another affair is because he was so unhappy in his marriage). The reason he had affairs is within him, no one else, and not circumstance. He's looking for a soft landing. Tag, you're it. His marriage is over because he got busted! He had plenty of opportunities to end it, prior to DDay! When a person like this fellow loses an OW (or a wife) a position opens up.
SugarHibiscus Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 OP, let your xMM go. He showed you that he didn't want a real R with you. Believe him. Don't make him show you again. The pain isn't worth it.
Author Thunderbolt Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 Thanks everyone. You're all just reinforcing what I know and need to hear. 1
SD1000 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Thunderbolt, How serious are the issues that you and your current boyfriend are having?
Author Thunderbolt Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Thunderbolt, How serious are the issues that you and your current boyfriend are having? They are serious. He's not sure if he wants kids (he already has a young son). He's a bit older than me and feels like he's too old to have more. We recently went on vacation (with his son) and bf worked a lot while we were there and it felt like I was on vacation with his son and not him. His son is a well behaved, funny and a well adjusted kid -- him and I get along really well. My bf seemed to ignore both his son and myself a lot during our vacation. He just didn't seem like he was there. My bf also has a huge issue with handling stress. Little things stress him out easily and it is then projected onto me without him even knowing it. I am a laid back person by nature and being with my boyfriend has caused me to feel more stress than I'm used to. I just wish he could find a way to manage this better. Our relationship, as well as the relationship he has with his son, is suffering because of this. I know I'm going to get stoned for saying this. But I think that part of the reason I'm having thoughts about xMM right now is because he was/is such a good dad to his 3 kids (they absolutely adore him and he spends a ton of time with them) and he was always so good at handling large amounts of stress. XMM was always concerned about things going on in my life that were stressful to me. My current bf is not able to handle the things going on in his life, let alone mine. I know I shouldn't be comparing them.
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Do you see the affect exMM now has had on you after breaking NC and dropping the bomb on you? The guy is not divorced yet and already he's causing problems in your life. Comparing is not good, stop doing that, otherwise your R with your bf is doomed and you might as well call it quits, end it and wait it out to see if exMM divorces. Just would hate to see you throw away something that has potential for someone who hasn't even signed divorce papers yet.
PurpleCardigan Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 They are serious. He's not sure if he wants kids (he already has a young son). He's a bit older than me and feels like he's too old to have more. We recently went on vacation (with his son) and bf worked a lot while we were there and it felt like I was on vacation with his son and not him. His son is a well behaved, funny and a well adjusted kid -- him and I get along really well. My bf seemed to ignore both his son and myself a lot during our vacation. He just didn't seem like he was there. My bf also has a huge issue with handling stress. Little things stress him out easily and it is then projected onto me without him even knowing it. I am a laid back person by nature and being with my boyfriend has caused me to feel more stress than I'm used to. I just wish he could find a way to manage this better. Our relationship, as well as the relationship he has with his son, is suffering because of this. I know I'm going to get stoned for saying this. But I think that part of the reason I'm having thoughts about xMM right now is because he was/is such a good dad to his 3 kids (they absolutely adore him and he spends a ton of time with them) and he was always so good at handling large amounts of stress. XMM was always concerned about things going on in my life that were stressful to me. My current bf is not able to handle the things going on in his life, let alone mine. I know I shouldn't be comparing them. Are you comparing them or are you saying that the values of wanting children and being present in children's lives, quality time with you (on vacations or otherwise) are important to you? I guess I read it as the later and not a comparison, per se. If is an important value for you, then make sure it is in your future relationships which may or may not be with your xMM. My best relationships were those based on shared values; but I'm not advocating which direction you should go with your xAP as I have no idea and if I was you, I'd be pretty confused right now.
Author Thunderbolt Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 For the record, I haven't changed my mind. I still want to distance myself from xMM. A poster had asked me how serious the issues were with my current bf and I. I got a little off topic and started making that comparison. I want my current relationship to work but unsure if it's possible based on our differences.
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