xMM is getting divorced

[Thunderbolt]

XMM and I had an intense relationship several years back. We were together for approximately 3 years and he did leave his wife and family to be with me. This arrangement only lasted about 4 months before he moved back home. Even after he moved back home, we stayed in LC. There was even a brief period where we resumed the affair. I decided that he made his decision to move back home and that it just wasn't a good idea to continue being in a relationship together when he was supposed to be working on his marriage. We stayed in very sporadic contact for a couple years following that period in time. During that time (with in the last year), he had an approx. 6 month long affair with a woman he worked with. Long story short: she wanted more, he didn't, she got mad and told her husband and the husband eventually contacted xMM's wife and told her everything. So, xMM and his wife are now officially calling it quits. They are definitely getting a divorce. Neither of them wants to work at the marriage anymore and both acknowledge that it's just not working.

 

The relationship I had with xMM was intense and it's something that I'll never forget. I truly thought that he was the man I'd end up with forever -- especially when he left home a few years back. It shattered my world when he moved back and it took me a while to recover from that. XMM and I have gone NC a lot over the years but always seem to reconnect in one way or another. It's been an ebb and flow, but I can honestly say that I've come a long way despite our sporadic contact. We've been intimate 2 times in the last couple years and I can say that I definitely didn't have the same attraction towards him that I once had. Sounds weird, but that romantic encounters really made me realize that I was over him (sexually, at least). We've always been really close friends despite anything that has happened. In fact we were friends many years back before we ever started the affair. I truly enjoy being in his presence and now realize that perhaps that what I was missing the most.

 

Fast forward a bit. I've been in a relationship with a single man for the last 8 months. It's taken me a long time to get to a point where I'm happy. I'm happy to be with someone that I love and someone who is available. It's been wonderful being in a relationship that doesn't have to be hidden. My relationship with this single guy is not perfect right now -- we are working through some issues. I love him (first man I've loved since xMM) but like I said, there are some things we need to work through.

 

My question? XMM is pursuing me now. Telling me that he's still in love with me, that he wants to meet up with me to talk, etc. I'm having a hard time with this. He was truly the love of my life. I would've done anything to be with him back in the day. He chose to go back home when he could've chosen a life with me. I'm not exactly thrilled that the only reason he's getting divorced is because his former mistress' husband ratted them out. He's assured me that the relationship with this former woman was a huge mistake, that he wants nothing more to do with her and that it was more reason to believe that his marriage was truly over (meaning that the reason he had another affair is because he was so unhappy in his marriage).

 

I don't even know what I'm asking. Like I said, I'm dealing with my own relationship issues. I'm happy to be in an honest and open relationship for once. I'm not sure if we'll be able to pull through but I'm at least willing to try with my single guy (long story). I've done so much work on myself along the way in getting over xMM. I do still love him, but I just feel like I still have a hangover from our past. It was so much work and I sacrificed so much for him. I just don't know if I can jump back into this fire.

 

I know you're all going to tell me to ignore xMM, but it's not that easy. We have a long history together dating back to almost 10 years when we started off as friends. Perhaps I'm not looking for advice as much as I'm looking for some thoughts and insight. I feel like my thoughts are kind of all over after the board after reading through what I've just written. Feel free to ask questions if something hasn't made sense.

 

Thanks.

[lynn1954]

Can't you just decide what YOU want to do? You know what's going to happen here...you're going to get a huge number of opinions that will not make your best choice any clearer, as none of us know your heart and your gut.

 

 

It will turn into one of those big long threads that don't help you.

 

 

Think over the pros and cons without being influenced by strangers on an Internet forum who don't know you personally and don't know what's best for you.

[Speakingofwhich]

Can't you just decide what YOU want to do? You know what's going to happen here...you're going to get a huge number of opinions that will not make your best choice any clearer, as none of us know your heart and your gut.

 

 

It will turn into one of those big long threads that don't help you.

 

 

Think over the pros and cons without being influenced by strangers on an Internet forum who don't know you personally and don't know what's best for you.

 

I know I'm supposed to be addressing OP and I will but just have to say this is a great post that could be applied to other threads, too.

 

OP, I actually had a similar thought but know how it helps to hear from others when you are confused even when they are, too. It's so freeing to witness a demonstration of opinions that leaves you knowing that your own insight is the best by far!

[Thunderbolt]

Lynn -- I get what you're saying. My gut tells me that I still have feelings for xMM. But, our past has been such a traumatic experience for me that I know logically it's not a good idea to head back into that gauntlet. I've changed a lot in the last several years, I'm sure xMM has too. Who's to say we'd even get along all these years later. Do I still love him? I'd have to say yes, but just based on our past. I'm in the middle of an honest relationship right now and we're unfortunately at a "make it or break it" point. I wish the timing of all this could be different. XMM has been married for the last 15+ years. Perhaps he should take some time and date others? I don't know.

[veryhappy]

My problem with it...he's not divorced yet and trying to get you. How can you tell if you are rebound, a soft landing or the almost missed opportunity of a lifetime if he's not even divorced yet?

 

I can only imagine your pain after he went back to the wife. Remember that pain and tell him to let you know when he's divorced and done having sex with women who mean nothing to him. Tell him you need the time to think and have no guarantees you'll want to be with him. If he starts whining...not a good sign.

 

I also encourage you to be honest with your boyfriend about what's going on.

[Thunderbolt]

I know I'm supposed to be addressing OP and I will but just have to say this is a great post that could be applied to other threads, too.

 

OP, I actually had a similar thought but know how it helps to hear from others when you are confused even when they are, too. It's so freeing to witness a demonstration of opinions that leaves you knowing that your own insight is the best by far!

 

I know I should just figure it out and go with my gut. But, it's not that easy. It just really stinks that xMM is NOW divorcing. I wanted him and a life together so badly but he wasn't ready back then. Now that I've taken the time to move on and work on myself, he makes a decision (sort of, the decision seems to have been made for him). I think I'd feel differently if the decision to divorce wasn't based on another affair and the fact that it was his ex mistress' husband telling all.

[Thunderbolt]

My problem with it...he's not divorced yet and trying to get you. How can you tell if you are rebound, a soft landing or the almost missed opportunity of a lifetime if he's not even divorced yet?

 

I can only imagine your pain after he went back to the wife. Remember that pain and tell him to let you know when he's divorced and done having sex with women who mean nothing to him. Tell him you need the time to think and have no guarantees you'll want to be with him. If he starts whining...not a good sign.

 

I also encourage you to be honest with your boyfriend about what's going on.

 

Totally agree that he's not divorced yet and that there's no guarantees -- I'm well aware of this. In fact, xMM has expressed that he doesn't want to ruin my current relationship. He says that he's happy that I've found someone and that he would understand if I put my energy into making that work. Surprising, coming from someone who in the past would've totally sabotaged something like this. He said that he just wants me to be happy. I told xMM that he needs to finalize things with his wife and be alone for a while. He agreed but told me that he'd like to continue being in contact with me. For the record, he was no longer in the relationship when it was discovered. He tried ending things months ago but she continued threatening to tell his wife. Not that it matters, but just a fact. We met up as friends during this period. He didn't have to tell me any of this but chose to. He told me it was the worst mistake of his life and wished he had never done it.

[Thunderbolt]

 

I also encourage you to be honest with your boyfriend about what's going on.

 

How? At this exact moment, I don't want to break up with my boyfriend. We are working through some things in our relationship and telling him about this would most likely be the end. This is the last thing we need right now. I know, totally stinks that I'm not being honest about this with him -- but I don't see any other way for now.

[KaliLove]

XMM and I had an intense relationship several years back. We were together for approximately 3 years and he did leave his wife and family to be with me. This arrangement only lasted about 4 months before he moved back home. Even after he moved back home, we stayed in LC. There was even a brief period where we resumed the affair. I decided that he made his decision to move back home and that it just wasn't a good idea to continue being in a relationship together when he was supposed to be working on his marriage. We stayed in very sporadic contact for a couple years following that period in time. During that time (with in the last year), he had an approx. 6 month long affair with a woman he worked with. Long story short: she wanted more, he didn't, she got mad and told her husband and the husband eventually contacted xMM's wife and told her everything. So, xMM and his wife are now officially calling it quits. They are definitely getting a divorce. Neither of them wants to work at the marriage anymore and both acknowledge that it's just not working.

 

The relationship I had with xMM was intense and it's something that I'll never forget. I truly thought that he was the man I'd end up with forever -- especially when he left home a few years back. It shattered my world when he moved back and it took me a while to recover from that. XMM and I have gone NC a lot over the years but always seem to reconnect in one way or another. It's been an ebb and flow, but I can honestly say that I've come a long way despite our sporadic contact. We've been intimate 2 times in the last couple years and I can say that I definitely didn't have the same attraction towards him that I once had. Sounds weird, but that romantic encounters really made me realize that I was over him (sexually, at least). We've always been really close friends despite anything that has happened. In fact we were friends many years back before we ever started the affair. I truly enjoy being in his presence and now realize that perhaps that what I was missing the most.

 

Fast forward a bit. I've been in a relationship with a single man for the last 8 months. It's taken me a long time to get to a point where I'm happy. I'm happy to be with someone that I love and someone who is available. It's been wonderful being in a relationship that doesn't have to be hidden. My relationship with this single guy is not perfect right now -- we are working through some issues. I love him (first man I've loved since xMM) but like I said, there are some things we need to work through.

 

My question? XMM is pursuing me now. Telling me that he's still in love with me, that he wants to meet up with me to talk, etc. I'm having a hard time with this. He was truly the love of my life. I would've done anything to be with him back in the day. He chose to go back home when he could've chosen a life with me. I'm not exactly thrilled that the only reason he's getting divorced is because his former mistress' husband ratted them out. He's assured me that the relationship with this former woman was a huge mistake, that he wants nothing more to do with her and that it was more reason to believe that his marriage was truly over (meaning that the reason he had another affair is because he was so unhappy in his marriage).

 

I don't even know what I'm asking. Like I said, I'm dealing with my own relationship issues. I'm happy to be in an honest and open relationship for once. I'm not sure if we'll be able to pull through but I'm at least willing to try with my single guy (long story). I've done so much work on myself along the way in getting over xMM. I do still love him, but I just feel like I still have a hangover from our past. It was so much work and I sacrificed so much for him. I just don't know if I can jump back into this fire.

 

I know you're all going to tell me to ignore xMM, but it's not that easy. We have a long history together dating back to almost 10 years when we started off as friends. Perhaps I'm not looking for advice as much as I'm looking for some thoughts and insight. I feel like my thoughts are kind of all over after the board after reading through what I've just written. Feel free to ask questions if something hasn't made sense.

 

Thanks.

 

He's had multiple affairs throughout his marriage and he's been wishy washy about who to be with. The chances are pretty darn good that he would probably cheat on you too. I know I'm going to get reamed by all the OWs here who think their cases are special and it could never happen to them and blah blah blah, but the truth is, you've already proven to him that you're ok with him being a cheater by cheating with him in the first place.

 

That said, I do completely agree with Lynn that this is something you need to decide on your own. Just something to think about.

[Thunderbolt]

He's had multiple affairs throughout his marriage and he's been wishy washy about who to be with. The chances are pretty darn good that he would probably cheat on you too. I know I'm going to get reamed by all the OWs here who think their cases are special and it could never happen to them and blah blah blah, but the truth is, you've already proven to him that you're ok with him being a cheater by cheating with him in the first place.

 

That said, I do completely agree with Lynn that this is something you need to decide on your own. Just something to think about.

 

I can't disagree with what you've said. I've already run the scenarios in my mind. No doubt that he's capable of cheating. I probably wouldn't be able to trust him if we had an open relationship together. I don't think that my story is unique. I used to think so, but not anymore.

[KaliLove]

I can't disagree with what you've said. I've already run the scenarios in my mind. No doubt that he's capable of cheating. I probably wouldn't be able to trust him if we had an open relationship together. I don't think that my story is unique. I used to think so, but not anymore.

 

Sounds like you already have your answer! Lucky you that you got out of that mess and found someone who (hopefully) is worth being with.

[Thunderbolt]

Sounds like you already have your answer! Lucky you that you got out of that mess and found someone who (hopefully) is worth being with.

 

Thanks Kali...

[Popsicle]

I would KILL to have my xMM get divorced. I would be right there in a jiffy.

[Thunderbolt]

I would KILL to have my xMM get divorced. I would be right there in a jiffy.

 

I used to feel like this, but so much has happened along the way. If this had happened a year ago, I would've jumped at this opportunity in a second.

[whichwayisup]

Your exMM should have waited until he was 'officially' divorced before even pursuing you. They are not divorced yet and he's chasing you already! Does he know you're involved with someone else and have been for 8 months?

 

Not read what others have said but the timing isn't right now. You are with someone else and you are happy, having a much healthier relationship than having the A with exMM. I hope you don't break up with your bf and let exMM back into your life. He has hurt you enough and if he expects you to drop everything and come running to him now that he (could be) divorcing (you really don't know 100% until the ink is on the papers) that would be a big mistake.

 

Do they have kids to consider in all this?

 

HE (exMM) should be BY HIMSELF for a long while. He is flawed, a liar and a cheater, not once, but at least twice in his marriage.

[Spark1111]

Oh, lady.....why do you want a man who is now being forced into a divorce because he was found cheating again?

 

Does he REALLY want you? or does he want you NOW because he doesn't want anyone else to have you?

 

Think hard on that.....

 

Also, hasn't he PROVED by his actions, that when the going gets tough, or boring, or complacent....rather than commit to fix it, he finds a new piece of tail to divert, excite, avoid?

 

Why in the world would you WANT this man, when you have a man who puts you first, is willing to work on your issues, and DOES NOT have a mistress on the side?

 

Cut that fMM loose. If he didn't care enough about you when you loved him, why would you even consider him now that his wife has cut him loose?

 

Do NOT be anyone's Plan B, fall back girl. And tell him that. You are in love with a fantasy, a ghost, a man who did not materialize to meet YOUR needs when push came to shove.

[whichwayisup]

I know I should just figure it out and go with my gut. But, it's not that easy. It just really stinks that xMM is NOW divorcing. I wanted him and a life together so badly but he wasn't ready back then. Now that I've taken the time to move on and work on myself, he makes a decision (sort of, the decision seems to have been made for him). I think I'd feel differently if the decision to divorce wasn't based on another affair and the fact that it was his ex mistress' husband telling all.

 

The timing is not right.

 

And yes, he is not divorcing by choice. If the exOW hadn't told her husband and her husband hadn't told your exMM's wife, he'd STILL be married and not pursuing you at all. Sorry that may read harshly but it's the truth.

 

Your exMM is NOT husband material and it would be a really big mistake for you to drop your bf and get back with him, especially right now.

 

Who knows what the future holds. Your paths could cross again when the timing is right and really - if you two are meant to be, it'll happen when it's supposed to happen. Can 100% guarantee you right now is NOT the time.

[rumbleseat]

What's the huge rush to start a new relationship with you? If you do think you may want to be with him, why not ask him to wait for a year, get some counseling, etc. and after that, if he is still interested in you, you will know he is serious and not just jumping form one stone to another?

 

In the meantime, if he finds someone else, you'll know that he wasn't as serious as he says.

[KaliLove]

oh, lady.....why do you want a man who is now being forced into a divorce because he was found cheating again?

 

Does he really want you? Or does he want you now because he doesn't want anyone else to have you?

 

Think hard on that.....

 

Also, hasn't he proved by his actions, that when the going gets tough, or boring, or complacent....rather than commit to fix it, he finds a new piece of tail to divert, excite, avoid?

 

Why in the world would you want this man, when you have a man who puts you first, is willing to work on your issues, and does not have a mistress on the side?

 

Cut that fmm loose. If he didn't care enough about you when you loved him, why would you even consider him now that his wife has cut him loose?

 

Do not be anyone's plan b, fall back girl. And tell him that. You are in love with a fantasy, a ghost, a man who did not materialize to meet your needs when push came to shove.

 

this x1000

[jellybean89]

He's cheated at least twice.

 

He wants a soft place to land.

 

If he really gave a damn about YOU, he wouldn't be running to you now that his wife is DUMPING him. He would respect your new relationship. He isn't and that speaks volumes.

 

I don't think you love HIM, you love the memory of him. How do you love some jerk who cheats and lies, repeatedly???

[gettingstronger]

Stick with the guy that puts your first-your current BF- with the MM you are at least 3rd in line-remember that and maybe it will help you move on and do whats good for you- congrads on a relationship with an available man- I am hoping he cherishes you and you cherish him- take care and cheers!

[veryhappy]

I wanted to add what the others have already added. He's not getting a divorce by choice, he was outed and the w had enough. I bet he begged for R and all that, and if she wanted they'd be in mc now. If he was the one done with the m he would have filedhimself last yearinstead of...having yet another affair. That not the attitude of someone wanting to fix anything. That's someone using up any bandaid in sight. The problem with bandaids is that they either fall or leave that sticky residue and hurt when you take them off.

 

Anyway...he's the type of MM who cam turn around and against you years into a R with you to go back to his M if there's any sign he could, especially if kids are involved.

 

If your soul needs it, try things out with him. It's best not to have regrets. I would if I were you go strict NC until divorced and offer him no promise of being available. And he is sabotaging your relationship by being in contact telling you to be with him and planning to keep doing that.

 

How to tell your bf...sit him down and just tell him. It can make you or break you. All I'm saying is that a good long term relationship is based on trust, honesty and most importantly no secrets and I'm not talking about the secret scoop of ice cream at night. Your bf needs to know who you are and what you are going through. If you can't talk to him, maybe he's not the guy you want.

[Thunderbolt]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I'm in agreeance with nearly everything that's been written. Maybe I just needed to read these responses in order to really understand what's going on. I do plan on working towards a successful relationship with my current boyfriend. Perhaps I've just been caught up in a vulnerable state given our recent struggles as a couple. I feel confident that we can resolve them -- it's just bad timing with xMM resurfacing. I will have to let xMM know that from my perspective, he needs to deal with the ending of his marriage and have some time on his own afterwards -- I guess it's just as simple as that.

[Spark1111]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I'm in agreeance with nearly everything that's been written. Maybe I just needed to read these responses in order to really understand what's going on. I do plan on working towards a successful relationship with my current boyfriend. Perhaps I've just been caught up in a vulnerable state given our recent struggles as a couple. I feel confident that we can resolve them -- it's just bad timing with xMM resurfacing. I will have to let xMM know that from my perspective, he needs to deal with the ending of his marriage and have some time on his own afterwards -- I guess it's just as simple as that.

 

we are rooting for you kiddo! stay focused on what is best and healthiest for YOU! Whether it is Single guy, xMM or NONE of the above!

 

choose a man who is at least TRYING to meet your needs, or choose no one.

 

I wish you peace and confidence in YOUR future. make it shine.

[jwi71]

My question? XMM is pursuing me now. Telling me that he's still in love with me, that he wants to meet up with me to talk, etc. I'm having a hard time with this. He was truly the love of my life. I would've done anything to be with him back in the day. He chose to go back home when he could've chosen a life with me. I'm not exactly thrilled that the only reason he's getting divorced is because his former mistress' husband ratted them out.

 

Luckily your question and answer are in the same paragraph you wrote.

 

HE chose to go back home.

And he'd still be there if not for the H of yet another mistress. Meaning, left to his OWN devices - he would STILL BE M. He's only D because he got ratted out.

 

Never forget that.

 

He is only pursuing you because he needs a soft place to land. Don't be fooled again.