Went from "things going very well" to NC... what...?

[J21]

Hello LS, a budding relationship went from "things are going very well" to no contact in like 4 days. I'm 30M and she is 27F.

 

I was talking to a girl for 2.5 weeks and eventually met her through OLD. I've met her twice and both times we clicked and had a great time. I thought she was really into me when we met, but when talking through whatsapp (I'll refer to as texting), it felt a bit off? For instance she would never initiate texting me, I would always have to start a conversation with her. Also, some of her responses aren't really engaging (if that makes sense) and always felt like me rolling the conversation along "How's your day going?" that sorta thing. We've had instances where we would engage in fun banter back and forth after our date (so I know it can definitely happened), but most of the time it just fell flat.

 

Two Saturdays ago, we had a date and went to a park afterwards to chat. She was asking me about my past relationships and had quite a lot of questions. I mentioned I had 3 ex girlfriends and only 1 of them was serious. Didn't share all the nitty gritty details, but just basic stuff. She has only had 1 relationship and it lasted 2 years; she said she was hurt pretty bad so she said she would like to take things slow. I told her I've been hurt before too so we can go as slow as she'd like.

 

While on the topic of relationships, I asked her how things were progressing between us, and she said "it's going very well so far". I was naturally very happy to hear this. We both clarified we're not looking for any new "friends"; so we're on the same page this is about dating. Since we met on a OLD site, we both talked openly about if we were multi-dating or not. We're both clarified we are not seeing anyone on the side. As we were wrapping up our date, I told her I had family coming in from out of country so I would be unavailable on Saturday. I told her I would like to see her during the weekday if her schedule was opened. She said "sure, Thursday sounds good". That Tues, she texts me asking if we could do Weds instead of Thurs. I tell her "yea sure it's fine." She didn't give me a reason or anything (not that I am entitled to one).

 

I called her Tuesday night to make plans, and also see how her day went. She said she was in the subway and will lose reception soon, so I asked her to call or text me when she was home and she said ok. Everything seemed fine over the phone, her voice sounded glad to hear from me actually. The next part is what puzzles me.

 

Well, I received neither a call or text that night.

 

Weds afternoon (the day we were suppose to meet) she texts me: "Tonight?". No "Hello", "Sorry I couldn't call you back". Just a "Tonight?"

 

I was busy at work, and to be honest felt really put off by her text. I ignored it and went back to work. She texted me again saying "Hi XXX, is everything ok? If u can't make it today, can you let me know now? Its already XXX PM". I responded back "Maybe some other time".

 

I admit those weren't my finest choice of words, but everything felt really unfair for me. I was trying to make plans since yesterday, and all of a sudden I had to let her know now? And then she doesn't even acknowledge she said she would call me back? Work was busy, it wasn't like I could dig through yelp looking for a restaurant either.

 

Was I asking for too much expecting her to call me back? I don't think you have to be in a serious relationship to call someone back when you said you would...esp when both of you expressed interest in one another.

 

I tried to call her that night to apologize I didn't meet her, and more importantly, talk about what the heck happened. She didn't pick up......

 

The following evening, I texted her "Hey are you available to talk? I want to apologize for yesterday..." I've reached out to her twice and I've gotten no response both. I've done what I could on my end, but I think she feels like the bridge is already burned.

 

I realize I should've met with her and talk about it in person that day, but it's too late for that.

 

What is going through her mind? I "cancelled" last minute, but to be fair, we never set a time. It all felt tentative ("yea sure weds is fine"), and I was trying to finalize that's why I called!

 

Does she think it wasn't slighting me to not call me back and then just curtly asking "tonight?". I understand if we were dating for a while, that'd be fine.. but we met twice.

 

I'm frustrated at what happened but more so at what could've been. We had a lot in common on the important things (religion, cultural background, interests and hobbies), our communication definitely needed work, but that's a minor thing that's fixable. I think that's what sadden me the most.

 

It might be futile, but I'm trying to make sense of all this, so could you guys kindly offer some input/advice. I'd really like to salvage this if there is any chance.

Edited March 18, 2014 by J21

[TaraMaiden]

I love texting.

 

Don't you just love texting?

 

Hell, why bother having vocal cords at all?

Have them removed!

Who needs 'em when you have such a wonderful foolproof way of communicating via texts??

 

This one has sailed and sunk.

 

Move on.

 

Texts.

 

UGH!!

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Sad to say that not sure this one could be fixed. Maybe you can text her explaining your reaction and apologize again and let her know that you really like her and would like another opportunity.

[pickflicker]

You blew her off, and a quality woman, when she is blown off, moves onto the next prospective boyfriend.

 

Live and learn...

[Gaeta]

 

....but when talking through whatsapp (I'll refer to as texting), it felt a bit off?

 

..... she would never initiate texting me,

 

...... I would always have to start a conversation with her.

 

......Also, some of her responses aren't really engaging

 

......always felt like me rolling the conversation along "How's your day going?" that sorta thing.

 

....We've had instances where we would engage in fun banter back but most of the time it just fell flat.

 

......Well, I received neither a call or text that night.

 

You *thought* she was really into you. Her post date behavior indicates otherwise.

 

You just went on 2 dates over 2 weeks, don't wast any time trying to figure it out. It's common with online dating that people will go hot then cold on you, and just disappear like this instead of straighten up their spine and say *sorry I do not wish to pursue*.

[kaylan]

There are two sides of the coin here. I am going to elaborate, though Im leaning on pickflickers response being what I think likely happened.

You blew her off, and a quality woman, when she is blown off, moves onto the next prospective boyfriend.

 

Live and learn...

This.

 

Come on OP. A mature, independent 30 year old man does not do what you did. People get busy, and she didnt cancel your date. Youve only known each other for 2 weeks, she doesnt need to constantly check in with you. And she was very intent on going out with you again.

 

Take this as a lesson learned. Generally I do call or text women back when I say I will, but sometimes I cant. I remember how hard it was for me to stay in contact with friends and romantic interests at my previous job. The commute killed me, so I spent a lot of time sleeping during my commute, being too busy to talk at work, and then passing out at home. I have good friends I sometimes dont text back until over a day later, it happens.

 

Life happens and this woman got back to you the next day to make sure you were still on. Im thinking her saying "Tonight?" and her follow-up text was probably her thinking "I wonder if me and him are still going out tonight...because he hasnt said anything to me all day". Im thinking its likely she thought you would call or text her back and there was a miscommunication after your previous phone call.

 

Dont take things too seriously early on. Live and learn like pickflicker said.

You *thought* she was really into you. Her post date behavior indicates otherwise.

 

You just went on 2 dates over 2 weeks, don't wast any time trying to figure it out. It's common with online dating that people will go hot then cold on you, and just disappear like this instead of straighten up their spine and say *sorry I do not wish to pursue*.

Though this poster has a point too. If things felt one sided, I can understand you being put off that she didnt get back to you. But at the same time, its only been a couple dates over 2 weeks, and she seemed up for more dates. In the future though, Id advise checking in with a girl to see how well she thinks things are going. Theres no need to outright ask that, as you should be able to feel it out.

 

My opinion is that when you outright ask someone how things are going for them, they immediately get the sense of how much into it you are, and if they arent on the same page, they will pull back a tad. Some people just like to go with the flow, and Im personally that way. I dont really enjoy being put on the spot to explain how I feel about a very new dating situation. I just like things to flow and a girl should be able to tell where Im at, or she can drop little hints and Ill say things on my own.

 

Im just not a fan of being put on the spot with questions that give the "Where is this going?" vibe only 2 dates in.

Edited March 18, 2014 by kaylan

[TXGuy]

I think this one is done. You flaked on her at the last minute without explanation. You had a date set for Wed. I think it was up to you as the guy to come up with a place and time and simply tell her where and when.

 

It sounds like you are more communicative via phone/text than she is. It might be just as well that things died off at this point.

[J21]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I knew in my gut the ship has sailed, but was just kinda hoping it hasn't. I'm a lil rusty in the dating scene, but I'll take from it what I can and move on.

 

I guess it was presumptuous of me to think she would have known I called to make plans about weds and call me back. Ah well, hindsight is always 20/20.

 

But yeah, it was only two dates and I've already spent more time thinking about this than I really needed to (thanks gaeta).

 

Cheers guys.