Lunatrue Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) Hello again, last night my boyfriend and I had a pretty huge, mass fight. I haven't been able to move past what happened in my previous post and I had raised my concerns yesterday about his constant gaming. When he gets home from work he gives me a kiss and eventually goes into his computer room to which, I will not see him till its time for either dinner or bed. I don't have an issue with video games in general, as I play video games myself. I try to give him as much space as I possibly can during his work week. I am busy myself preparing for a new job that I recently started as an independent contractor. I take some days during the week to scrub and clean the house, dishes, mopping, sweeping, laundry, ect. My boyfriend however, will leave his pants on the bathroom floor, socks on the kitchen floor, bedroom, living room, cups, lunch boxes all over the kitchen, mail and whatever stuff he has in his pockets that day on top of the microwave. I didn't have a problem with this before, but after a week of nothing getting picked up and eventually coming down to me cleaning it up, I start to get frustrated. I know he cares and loves me deeply, as he has expressed this in personal ways. For example, he took me to a festival last month that I really enjoyed. I ended up getting my checks in the mail and went into the computer room to grab the scissors from him to open up my package and he asked me what was wrong and I told him I was upset with the video games. That ended up curve balling and turned into a huge fight. I expressed how I felt about him not spending as much time with me as I would like. I have thrown suggestions out like, lets play video games together, lets go on a board walk, lets go to the beach, for a walk. Every suggestion I make he ends up saying, "There's only so much Smash Bros I can play. We went on the board walk already." There is always a reason. I ended up taking out a pizza for dinner and came in the room to wake him and he turned over and said in a very nasty tone, "What does it matter if I sleep?" I ended up bursting out in tears and literally lost it.......completely. Here is what really is bothering me.... Last night my boyfriend ended up cuddling with me and holding me close like, he was sorry. He ended up grabbing me in a sexual way and started to become intimate. I felt very uncomfortable and it was very apparent. He ended up having sex with me and I just lied there on the bed and I tried to tell him I was uncomfortable but he would stop a bit and when I would feel bad he would say, "okay!" and keep going. He ended up being very, very rough with me last night. I remember telling him several times, don't do that. As soon as he was done and got himself off, he turned over and went to bed. He didn't hold me close or cuddle me. He just dosed off...I have been crying ever since last night and I hate thinking about it...Please help me.. Edited July 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 It's not often that I tell somebody on a forum to break up with their BF but when a man doesn't listen to you sexually & is rough against your wishes, things will only get worse. 8
Author Lunatrue Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) Get out of that now Could you be more detailed? I am not trying to be rude at all and I am sorry if it may come off that way. I am just looking for advice... Edited March 18, 2014 by Lunatrue
Tayla Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Neither of you seem like a match made in heaven. Do yourselves a favor, find folks that are more compatible to your life styles. I think you'll find that the more secure you are and more independent you become, such trivial things as to what he likes to spend his time doing will be less of a bother. Mature adults actually encourage individual hobbies. He needs to be more organized and you need to take one foot in front of the other and move along....
Author Lunatrue Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) Neither of you seem like a match made in heaven. Do yourselves a favor, find folks that are more compatible to your life styles. I think you'll find that the more secure you are and more independent you become, such trivial things as to what he likes to spend his time doing will be less of a bother. Mature adults actually encourage individual hobbies. He needs to be more organized and you need to take one foot in front of the other and move along.... Though I would like to agree with you as well as Negative, I love this man very, very much though we have these moments, I am not the type of person who gives up. I have fought very hard for this relationship and I would not be losing just him in the process as I have came to love his companion/dog who means the world to me and is very much like my baby. The thought of ending my relationship would break my heart and in more ways than one that I have felt before. I'v wanted to marry this man, but I find it hard that he may not feel the same. I don't think we are not compatible because there are many times where we do get along and we share many interests as well as there being a middle ground, that is not the problem. I would like to work on things, but I would advice as to how I could go about making things better, without doing something that I feel I simply cannot do. I feel it would end more so on his end before I would gain any courage to say otherwise. Perhaps, in your suggestion others may find it useful, but thank you for taking the time to post in regards to this thread. Edited March 18, 2014 by Lunatrue
GorillaTheater Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 We teach people how to treat us, especially in relationships. Your bf has learned that it's okay to ignore you in favor of gaming, not clean up after himself because you'll do it, essentially rape you (or the next thing to it), inappropriately text other women and apparently put you down to them (from your other thread), and the only consequence he'll face is a little griping about it from you. I admire fortitude and persistence in general, but not in pursuit of a lost cause. This guy is a loser, and you can do a lot better, whether you believe it or not. 8
seekingpeaceinlove Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 If you valued and loved yourself enough you would never let your man abuse you the way he did in bed and treat you with such disrespect. GorillaTheater said it best, " We teach people how to treat us, especially in relationships." A relationship takes two willing, respecting, compromising and loving partners to be successful. Is your bf willing, respecting, compromising and loving? Really? 3
ebor Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I like games but spending that much time on games is really sick, games are hobbies and aren't supposed to replace our life. That was bad enough for me but add to that the way he treats you and then the sex thing...... I don't think this is the kind of person you want to spend your life with, I suggest you move on and not try to fix this, because these are deeper issues that he needs to solve on his own. And based on your last posts you should have walked away already, There seems to be a lack of effort (interest) on his side and low self worth on your side. You have to believe in yourself and just walk away. 1
Phantom888 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 He is selfish with his time and pleasure. He doesn't consider you. He doesn't help you with the home. And you are not even married yet! He is taking you for granted obviously. He doesn't think you have anywhere to go, so he has no reason to change or improve. The sex part just proves he doesn't even care about your body. 1
894hjk Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 It will get worse. He raped you. Do you want your children seeing him hit, punch or rape you in the future? I'm telling you if he can do that to you he is capable of more. Relationships shouldn't have to be worked on that much. It shouldn't be hard work. And "love", you may love him but it doesn't mean that's a good enough reason to stay in a relationship! Not an abusive one. U seem like a real nice understanding compassionate giving kinda girl and that's the exact type of woman abusive men seek out. Google abusive men- one of there well known traits is wanting sex after fights, or fights leading to rape. Trust me I've been there with a guy like that. 2
AntiSocal Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 It will get worse. He raped you. Do you want your children seeing him hit, punch or rape you in the future? I'm telling you if he can do that to you he is capable of more. Relationships shouldn't have to be worked on that much. It shouldn't be hard work. And "love", you may love him but it doesn't mean that's a good enough reason to stay in a relationship! Not an abusive one. U seem like a real nice understanding compassionate giving kinda girl and that's the exact type of woman abusive men seek out. Google abusive men- one of there well known traits is wanting sex after fights, or fights leading to rape. Trust me I've been there with a guy like that. he didn't rape anyone. Please stop it with your dramatics. Its obvious from the way that ops post was written that she never explicitly told him "GET THE F OFF OF ME". @ op. You need to grow up. How old are you? Are you just trolling? I hope so. First of all maybe you should stop being so needy. You guys live together after all. And some people need more space then others. Instead of getting emotional because you feel unappreciated why don't you just try and appreciate him more? You guys don't need to be "hanging out" to be together. Go sit with him while he plays games sometimes. When you're feeling lonely go jump into his arms and be randomly affectionate. Show him the things that make you happy so that he can do them. Don't hold everything in and expect him to read your mind. You need to learn to COMMUNICATE. Second of all learn to speak up. If you really didn't want to have sex with him you should have told him explicitly "get the hell off of me, i am not having sex with you tonight at all, if you continue this you are raping me." Don't lay there and say "okay" cuz you feel bad (more like you felt into it) and then later on try to claim that he forced you because he was too rough. You either want it or you don't. If you're nonchalant about not wanting sex a man whose already been sexually active with you before will assume that you DO want it. So don't be nonchalant, don't say "okay" because you feel bad, make it explicitly clear when someone does not have your consent! Third of all, like i already said, COMMUNICATE. Sit down and have a conversation with him about expectations and everything else. Not an argument, but a conversation where you both communicate. 2
preraph Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 (edited) If he was sorry, instead of having sex with you when you didn't want to, he'd have listened to what you were saying and showed you he was sorry by picking up his things and then followed it up with spending time with you rather than tuning you out except when he wants sex. That tells me that his main concern is that he has sex with you and he wanted to make sure you'd still acquiesce even though you were very unhappy with him because that's all he cares about. Dump him, honey. It's one thing to have "makeup sex." It's quite another when you told him you'd rather not and he didn't give a crap what you wanted. Edited March 25, 2014 by preraph 3
CrystalCastles Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 he didn't rape anyone. Please stop it with your dramatics. Its obvious from the way that ops post was written that she never explicitly told him "GET THE F OFF OF ME". When last I looked, "GET THE F OFF OF ME" wasn't the only thing a person can say when they don't want something. The OP's words "I remember telling him several times, don't do that". Sounds like a no to me. Anything that is not a "yes" is a NO. When someone says "don't do that", that means NO. Otherwise it is rape, and this is a very serious matter. No one is being dramatic about it. @OP. You need to get away from this crazy ASAP. Pack your stuff, go stay with your mom or a friend. Your situation sounds draining. You are being a doormat to some deadbeat douche who doesn't care whether you exist or not. He doesn't care what you do, and how much you love him. His words of love are only him throwing you bones. Love doesn't mean that you give up your self-worth. No one has the right to walk all over you until you give it to them. This guy has walked all over you. He takes you for granted and treats you like a tool to be used and abused. Is this the kind of life you want? 6
AntiSocal Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 When last I looked, "GET THE F OFF OF ME" wasn't the only thing a person can say when they don't want something. The OP's words "I remember telling him several times, don't do that". Sounds like a no to me. Anything that is not a "yes" is a NO. When someone says "don't do that", that means NO. Otherwise it is rape, and this is a very serious matter. No one is being dramatic about it. Are we reading the same thread? She never claims to have explicitly told him no before they had sex. She says that she told him that she felt uncomfortable. You know how many women say that during sex? I'm thick. 90% of the girls who i've had sex with have had complaints. Complaining and giving instruction to slow down is NOT the same thing as explicitly telling someone that you don't want to have sex. She says she told him "several times don't do that" AFTER he had already started having sex with her. You know what that means? She wasn't saying "no don't have sex with me" she was saying "no don't be so rough" She was unsure about whether she should have sex with him in the first place, she allowed him to continue anyway (women are not helpless and she could have stopped him), he got too rough which she didn't like, now she is regretting having sex with him. THAT IS NOT THE SAME THING AS RAPE. STOP TRYING TO OVER DRAMATIZE THINGS AND ACT LIKE IT IS.
soccerrprp Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 (edited) Though I would like to agree with you as well as Negative, I love this man very, very much though we have these moments, I am not the type of person who gives up. I have fought very hard for this relationship and I would not be losing just him in the process as I have came to love his companion/dog who means the world to me and is very much like my baby. The thought of ending my relationship would break my heart and in more ways than one that I have felt before. I'v wanted to marry this man, but I find it hard that he may not feel the same. I don't think we are not compatible because there are many times where we do get along and we share many interests as well as there being a middle ground, that is not the problem. I would like to work on things, but I would advice as to how I could go about making things better, without doing something that I feel I simply cannot do. I feel it would end more so on his end before I would gain any courage to say otherwise. Perhaps, in your suggestion others may find it useful, but thank you for taking the time to post in regards to this thread. How long have you been "working" on this relationship? I have said this before and witnessed it with some of my female friends....you women stay TOO long in relationships and you eventually get hurt in the end. I look at what your bf did and think, did he just sexually assault her? Or close to it? Is he being unreasonable? Hostile? Is he being disrespectful? Ugh. If breaking up with him is something you cannot do, then your options are already hampered to a great extent. In fact, if you CANNOT or WILL NOT entertain the option of leaving, then you are slowly trapping yourself to eventual CO-DEPENDENCY, not love. Edited March 25, 2014 by soccerrprp 2
pteromom Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Though I would like to agree with you as well as Negative, I love this man very, very much though we have these moments, I am not the type of person who gives up. I have fought very hard for this relationship and I would not be losing just him in the process as I have came to love his companion/dog who means the world to me and is very much like my baby. The thought of ending my relationship would break my heart and in more ways than one that I have felt before. I'v wanted to marry this man, but I find it hard that he may not feel the same. I don't think we are not compatible because there are many times where we do get along and we share many interests as well as there being a middle ground, that is not the problem. I would like to work on things, but I would advice as to how I could go about making things better, without doing something that I feel I simply cannot do. I feel it would end more so on his end before I would gain any courage to say otherwise. Perhaps, in your suggestion others may find it useful, but thank you for taking the time to post in regards to this thread. OK - if leaving isn't an option, then here's what you have to do: - Accept him for who he is. This means you accept that video games are a high priority for him and he'll sometimes choose them over you. This means you will have to be doing the cleaning. - Fill yourself up with other things, so that when he is gaming or ignoring you, you aren't lonely and feeling rejected. Hang out with friends. Get hobbies. Go to the bookstore. Whatever you can do that makes you feel happy and whole. - Be willing to stand up for yourself. Rather than lying there feeling uncomfortable while he forces sex on you, tell him "NO! I don't want to do this!" in a loud voice. Tell him "Get off me NOW!" strongly. If he doesn't, SCREAM. Do whatever you have to do to get out of that situation. Later, when he's not trying to have sex with you, communicate the way you were feeling and your expectations. "I didn't want sex because I was still upset about our fight. You just having sex with me anyway made me feel horrible. From now on, if I say no, I mean no, and I expect you to stop immediately." In other words, if you are going to be with a guy who puts himself first, you have to make sure you put YOURSELF first, so you are protecting yourself emotionally and physically.
Author Lunatrue Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 (edited) he didn't rape anyone. Please stop it with your dramatics. Its obvious from the way that ops post was written that she never explicitly told him "GET THE F OFF OF ME". @ op. You need to grow up. How old are you? Are you just trolling? I hope so. First of all maybe you should stop being so needy. You guys live together after all. And some people need more space then others. Instead of getting emotional because you feel unappreciated why don't you just try and appreciate him more? You guys don't need to be "hanging out" to be together. Go sit with him while he plays games sometimes. When you're feeling lonely go jump into his arms and be randomly affectionate. Show him the things that make you happy so that he can do them. Don't hold everything in and expect him to read your mind. You need to learn to COMMUNICATE. Second of all learn to speak up. If you really didn't want to have sex with him you should have told him explicitly "get the hell off of me, i am not having sex with you tonight at all, if you continue this you are raping me." Don't lay there and say "okay" cuz you feel bad (more like you felt into it) and then later on try to claim that he forced you because he was too rough. You either want it or you don't. If you're nonchalant about not wanting sex a man whose already been sexually active with you before will assume that you DO want it. So don't be nonchalant, don't say "okay" because you feel bad, make it explicitly clear when someone does not have your consent! Third of all, like i already said, COMMUNICATE. Sit down and have a conversation with him about expectations and everything else. Not an argument, but a conversation where you both communicate. First off, I didn't think I had to tell him to get the **** off me, as you put it so kindly and second, I didn't claim that he raped me and I really do not appreciate you back lashing me on a love forum for advice. Please, get off your high horse or find another post to bully someone on. I didn't bother reading your post and I found to be incredibly ignorant to even consider. Edited July 21, 2014 by Lunatrue 1
aprilisi Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I think its rape too. The OP loves him and didn't want to hurt him, so she took it. Rape doesn't have to be violent with a man holding a knife and the woman screaming and struggling to get away. She didn't want it and told him to not be so rough. But he kept on. This man is a ticking time bomb. You don't treat the woman you love like this. He got angry and took it out on her. It was not about pleasure but pain. Please have the strenght to leave him. It willl just get worse. Of course I'm only speaking from my own experience. 1
Eivuwan Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 This is one of those clear cut cases in which a man is simply not good for you. Love isn't a reason to stay in an abusive relationship with rape/borderline rape. Love yourself more, and not this man please. Respect yourself and don't put up with this bull**** anymore. I am sure you can do better than this low life.
Emilia Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 We teach people how to treat us, especially in relationships. Your bf has learned that it's okay to ignore you in favor of gaming, not clean up after himself because you'll do it, essentially rape you (or the next thing to it), inappropriately text other women and apparently put you down to them (from your other thread), and the only consequence he'll face is a little griping about it from you. I admire fortitude and persistence in general, but not in pursuit of a lost cause. This guy is a loser, and you can do a lot better, whether you believe it or not. This!!!! How long have you been "working" on this relationship? I have said this before and witnessed it with some of my female friends....you women stay TOO long in relationships and you eventually get hurt in the end. I look at what your bf did and think, did he just sexually assault her? Or close to it? Is he being unreasonable? Hostile? Is he being disrespectful? Ugh. If breaking up with him is something you cannot do, then your options are already hampered to a great extent. In fact, if you CANNOT or WILL NOT entertain the option of leaving, then you are slowly trapping yourself to eventual CO-DEPENDENCY, not love. And this!!!! OP, if you ever want children, it's time to think about the kind of man you would want as a father for them. I'm assuming it wouldn't be this man???? I hope?! You absolutely have to work out what your issues are and why you are staying with an abuser. This is the only way you will be able to provide a secure and safe home for your future children. Remember they will learn their relationship patterns from you! The responsibility is on you to deal with your issues and fix yourself! 1
isisisweeping Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 You know how many women say that during sex? I'm thick. 90% of the girls who i've had sex with have had complaints.. Oh honey, that definitely means you're not doing it right..... OP - what he did was NOT okay. No matter what you call it. It did not demonstrate love on his part. Please get out. 3
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 OP: Leave now. He is not going to become more considerate in the future and deep in your heart you know it's going to get worse. Call your friends; call your family; do whatever it takes to get out of there, preferably in one trip. Male posters in this thread who think it's OK to force yourself sexually on a woman who's extremely upset and has said she doesn't want it: are you f-ing kidding me?! 2
SoPeachy Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Lunatrue i have read some of your previous threads from the last few months and I cant believe you're still with this man. He is taking you for granted and treating you like a doormat and he can do this because he knows that you wont go any where but put up with his behaviours. Do you not have anywhere else to go to? parents? sister/brothers? you are obvious very unhappy in this relationship and NO ONE should be in this kind of relationship. He will probably come running back to you once you leave him, but from what he has said and done to you, never ever go back. It's up to you what you want to do. You're still young, please dont put your life on hold for a bad relationship.
lollipopspot Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 See if he'll let you have or buy the dog. If you can end the relationship without a lot of rancor, you'll have a better chance of this.
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