My ex "left" me a birthday present (drop and run), and other weirdness

[oceanblues]

My ex broke up with me the day after Valentine's day of this year to go back to HER ex. It came out of nowhere; we were getting along well, cared for each other, I thought we would be very long-term if not permanent.

 

I tried to do NC, though she would text and call nearly every day for the first two weeks after, even the day OF, saying things like you've been on my mind all day, I just wanted to hear your voice...eventually it moved to things like:

 

"I guess ur not going to respond...I understand...I'

m

so

sorry that I can't be what u need me to be. U know in ur heart I care about u and will always be here for you, I hope u will still want me in ur life. I will be here waiting for you to contact me...you are

so

beautiful in

so

many ways.

 

"feels like I don't want to talk to or hear from her, she knows she hurt me, she never set out to and she's been honest over the last few months - she doesn't want to cause me more pain - she does care

so

much for me and it's killing her that she hurt me"...etc.

 

and then eventually "i miss u".

 

I didn't respond to ANY of these. I did answer the phone twice during the first week, only to find out what she wanted, and the 2nd time accidentally (I was in my car and my phone was hooked to the bluetooth which I didn't look at before I answered). Never thought it would be her. ANyway....

 

Fast forwarding to this past Friday, 3/14. I hadn't talked to her in a month and hadn't texted her since about three weeks prior, and didn't answer any of her texts. Trying to do NC and heal and move the heck on, since after reflection, she didn't really treat me that well anyway (and in fact was downright disrespectful behind my back).

 

I went outside that afternoon and there was a gift bag at my door with a card and a shirt in it - a birthday present from her (my birthday was the next day). She just left it at my door when she KNEW I was home. I was ANGRY that she didn't think enough of me that I would answer the door if she was at it. True, I didn't answer her texts but I didn't think she thought that low of me. If she was doing it out of the kindness of her heart she should have put her pride aside and given it to me face to face. It was like she was forcing it on me. I wasn't sure what to do with the shirt and didn't WANT it at all; I didn't even want to hear from her on my birthday. I thought about it and then texted her on my b'day the next day, "Thanks for the gift, it was sweet but not necessary."

 

She texted back:

 

"Now you have something (for your team) to wear. Happy birthday. I was worried you didn't get it, have fun tonight at your party and I"

m

glad you enjoyed your surprise b'day party."

 

THIS is where it really gets creepy. I never told her that my friends had a surprise b'day dinner for me 2 days before, and though we have mutual friends, nobody at that dinner would have told her, either. She told me she didn't have facebook and I believed her, but she either had an "informant" or she DOES have it and saw it on a mutual friend's page (though my friends told me the invite was private). SO I don't know how she knew.

 

My real question is, I don't want this shirt (a t-shirt of my favorite team, which was black because she said i look good in black, which i kind of do) and a little larger so i could wear a tee under it (which i like to do). Sweet thought but it won't get you there. Should I send it back to her with a note saying thanks but no thanks, does your now-gf know you did this? And how would she feel about it? That I don't trust her motive for giving it to me and under the circumstances I can't accept it.

 

My thing is this: if you really missed me, you would have made an effort to see me, and fix your situation at home so we could be together. But you did none of that. I think she used me to make her ex jealous so they could get back together. Maybe she's seeing that I'm doing all this stuff without her - joined a sports league, going to parties, special times with friends all the time, traveling, meeting new people - while she's sitting at home with her ex....and now she's starting to realize what she let go of? All my friends, including our mutual friends, said she totally messed up when she left me.

 

What do you guys think - send the gift back? I don't want it taking up space in my drawer since I don't want to keep it - every time i'd see it or wear it it would remind me of her and how she treated me.

Edited March 18, 2014 by oceanblues

[Sneaky]

I'm just guessing but it sounds like she wants to feel less guilty or maybe try and get an ego boost or something. Throw the shirt in the trash and don't give her the time of day.

[oceanblues]

I'm just guessing but it sounds like she wants to feel less guilty or maybe try and get an ego boost or something. Throw the shirt in the trash and don't give her the time of day.

 

So don't actually send it back? Wouldn't keeping it still allow her to placate her ego/guilt?

[Sneaky]

I don't think so. In her mind it might be like, "oh I tried to reach out, but got rejected. They didn't even accept a t-shirt. Clearly I'm such a good person and the other person is in the wrong."

 

The best thing to do would be nothing at all. Don't respond anymore and throw it in the trash. I think it would just invite needless drama to actively send it back.

[oceanblues]

Today happens to be HER birthday. I don't owe her a text or anything do I?

 

Or do I?

 

The LAST thing I want her thinking is what you said above, Sneaky - that it would make her think "I'm such a good person and the other person is in the wrong."

[Sneaky]

Hm. That's tough. But no, you don't owe her anything. She chose not to be a part of your life when she dumped you.

 

Honestly thinking too much about it is just bad, you should try and focus on yourself and I might be giving bad advice in the first place by considering her point of view and I'm sorry for that.

 

The only thing I can say is just to focus on yourself. If you feel the need to send a text then do so but after that I would recommend you just stop responding to anything she does at all.

[sooshi]

I would say not to send the t-shirt back, or send her anymore messages (even today, on her birthday). You don't need to say anything about the gift.

 

I think it would've been better if she had given it to you face to face. Maybe she wanted to surprise you, I don't know. Doesn't feel like she's really there though. From what you've written, it doesn't sound like she really cares for you or respects you. People say things like "I'll always be there for you"... yeah, right. Where is she now? Not there for you.

 

You don't deserve to be left the way you did. You've come to realize that she didn't treat you all that well, and that's good to realize. You deserve to be treated well.

[oceanblues]

I would say not to send the t-shirt back, or send her anymore messages (even today, on her birthday). You don't need to say anything about the gift.

 

I think it would've been better if she had given it to you face to face. Maybe she wanted to surprise you, I don't know. Doesn't feel like she's really there though. From what you've written, it doesn't sound like she really cares for you or respects you. People say things like "I'll always be there for you"... yeah, right. Where is she now? Not there for you.

 

You don't deserve to be left the way you did. You've come to realize that she didn't treat you all that well, and that's good to realize. You deserve to be treated well.

 

I actually asked her that; why not knock since she knew I was home. She said because I made it perfectly clear that I wanted nothing to do with her. (I was NC). She also said that in her card - "I know you don't want to hear from me, but I can't let your b'day go by w/o reaching out...."

 

You're right - she's making it about her. She doesn't care or respect me at all, despite all the times she said "I care about you, I'm here for you", blah blah. This ain't my first time at the rodeo, pardna, I've heard it all those lines before.

[sooshi]

No contact doesn't necessarily mean you want nothing to do with her (although it could mean that). She made that interpretation herself. I don't think there was a point where you actually SAID you wanted to have nothing to do with her.

 

If she really, truly believed that you didn't want to hear from her, then the way she would reach out to you is by supporting you by not contacting you at all. If she truly believed you wanted nothing to do with her, and really cared about what you wanted and respected that, she would be giving you space instead of saying or doing anything at all. So yes, I do think she is making it about herself.

[oceanblues]

No contact doesn't necessarily mean you want nothing to do with her (although it could mean that). She made that interpretation herself. I don't think there was a point where you actually SAID you wanted to have nothing to do with her.

 

You're right, I never did say that. It sounds like she wants a pity party.

[Strength in Healing]

I love the idea of letting her current bf know that she's doing this. Please do him a favor and let him know(not joking).

[oceanblues]

I love the idea of letting her current bf know that she's doing this. Please do him a favor and let him know(not joking).

 

HAHA, I would love to - except I'm not going to stoop to her level and create drama.

[Strength in Healing]

Create drama? Doesn't that guy deserve to know who he is dating?

[No Limit]

Wait for the party and the guests to come in and then be all like "One second please, gotta throw the trash away" and grab that shirt and throw it into the next bin. Or you just throw it away now and if somebody asks about that gift you can tell them what you did with it.

 

Either way, there's no need to keep it. Don't send it back either, it's a way of reaching out. Perhaps you should make this shirt a gift for her now-BF, lol.