ravheartless Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Just a month ago, I broke off with my girlfriend who was together for 3 and a half years. The reason for the break off was simple, (1) empty love which I felt that my commitment for her was deteriorating each day to a point that I do not felt like holding her hands, shared any common interests, or wanted to have any intimate relationship with her and (2) there is also this other girl which I have known from work for almost two years. I feel terrible to hurt someone who is truly like a family to me, but continuing this relationship isn't fair to her as my heart is already some place else. I am not trying to legitimize my actions, but the heart wants what it wants... Anyways, everything is going well with this girl from work and many things have led me to believe that she is the one. We sometimes even chat till the morning with IM and one of her best friends said that this girl is also into me. So on one stupid day just some weeks ago, under the influence of some very bad advice from another friend, I told her that I broke off with my girlfriend because I wanted to be with the person I have feelings for and just days after that I asked her out. It took her a while before she replied, and her answer was and I quote "I probably don't feel the same way right now, could we just be friends?". It was truly heartbreaking, and needless to say everything has gone to hiatus between the girl and I. It was later revealed to me by her friend that she doesn't want to be in the mess and hinted that it would make her feel like she's the third person and everything. It is just not the right timing and I know I probably wasn't being very thoughtful about the whole situation. I feel like a big failure but her friend also said that she did not completely closed the door on me as she said she doesn't feel same way right now but advices me to give her some space and time. A few miserable weeks have gone by and now I am able to cool down a bit. We just started talking a bit again, but it still wasn't quite like before. I know she still tries to keep some distance from me but the tension was not as bad as when it just happened. Should I be optimistic and slowly wait out the awkwardness and hope that something works out between us in the near future, say in a month or two? Or should I just give up and let her be... Or maybe I was friend zoned but i just don't know? I am very confused right now, and I really need some good advice to get me through these hard times.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 back off and develop a bit of indifference. The more you care, the less she will. if you cool it a bit, there may be a spark of interest. But I certainly wouldn't pin any or all hope on this. Things are too fresh in your heart, and you just need to detach a bit and look to yourself. 3
Never Again Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 You put her in an uncomfortable situation. I mean, re-read your post and pretend someone else wrote it: - You had a loveless relationship with your ex and, instead of fixing it or ending it because it was just wrong, you allowed your mind/heart to wander - After just one month of being broken up, you feel like this new girl is "the one" (not a real thing) - You've been talking to this girl A LOT, care too much, basically told her that you dumped your ex for HER, and asked her out This is all too much too soon. There's no shame in leaving a relationship or having feelings for someone else, but some people don't like the idea of being "the other man/woman". You're also being overly attached, overly available, and overly emotional. It seems like you're chasing what you felt was missing with your ex, but you're DESPERATE for it. You're showing your hand and being way, way too needy about this. This is just putting way too much pressure on the new girl, and I bet that some of this stems from the dissatisfaction from your last relationship. Ease off, and for crying out loud...be SINGLE for awhile. You were with your ex for 3.5 years and you're trying to chase down your new infatuation within a month? Back off from girls for awhile. Learn to be happy on your own again. Reflect on how you contributed to the failure of your last relationship so that you can improve yourself for the next one. Be less dependent on what your "heart wants" and just BE. Can't tell you if you still have hope with the new girl, but it'll only ever happen successfully if you don't push it. 1
Author ravheartless Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 You put her in an uncomfortable situation. I mean, re-read your post and pretend someone else wrote it: - You had a loveless relationship with your ex and, instead of fixing it or ending it because it was just wrong, you allowed your mind/heart to wander - After just one month of being broken up, you feel like this new girl is "the one" (not a real thing) - You've been talking to this girl A LOT, care too much, basically told her that you dumped your ex for HER, and asked her out This is all too much too soon. There's no shame in leaving a relationship or having feelings for someone else, but some people don't like the idea of being "the other man/woman". You're also being overly attached, overly available, and overly emotional. It seems like you're chasing what you felt was missing with your ex, but you're DESPERATE for it. You're showing your hand and being way, way too needy about this. This is just putting way too much pressure on the new girl, and I bet that some of this stems from the dissatisfaction from your last relationship. Ease off, and for crying out loud...be SINGLE for awhile. You were with your ex for 3.5 years and you're trying to chase down your new infatuation within a month? Back off from girls for awhile. Learn to be happy on your own again. Reflect on how you contributed to the failure of your last relationship so that you can improve yourself for the next one. Be less dependent on what your "heart wants" and just BE. Can't tell you if you still have hope with the new girl, but it'll only ever happen successfully if you don't push it. You are absolutely right, I have made her uncomfortable. Believe me, I have lots of time to reflect after the whole incident. I do not know what has gotten onto me, for some reasons I was just not being myself. Just to clarify, all the talking, hanging out, and late night IMs lasted for almost a year already. As I have mentioned, one of the reason I broke off with my girlfriend is because of the girl at work. It is not from a month of talking that somehow I unrealistically see her as the one. But it is not like it matters anymore as what is done is already done, I have been keeping my distance from her and I'm trying really hard to "Just Be", but sometimes the heartache comes back and haunts me which is truly hard to cope with. How do I cope with these heartaches?
Never Again Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Just to clarify, all the talking, hanging out, and late night IMs lasted for almost a year already. As I have mentioned, one of the reason I broke off with my girlfriend is because of the girl at work. This is part of the problem. She probably sees herself as "the other woman", and she's right. You had an emotional affair with her, but until you broke up with your girlfriend, she could write it off as "harmless". There are LOADS of reasons for why she could be backing off now. - When you had a girlfriend, this girl could play off getting close to you as being "just friends" - You were more attractive when you were taken (forbidden fruit) - Your behavior changed when you began to pursue her - You began behaving like she was "the one" (which, again, is not a real thing) The list could go on, but regardless, she went from feeling free and commitment free about you to feeling awkward and pressured. It is not from a month of talking that somehow I unrealistically see her as the one. Feeling this way when you're not in a relationship with her and haven't yet seen ALL of her is going to be a death sentence for any chances you have with her. There is no such thing as "the one", and the more you put her on a pedestal and believe that she's the one for you, the more you'll pressure her and the more you'll kill any chances you might have. I'm not saying that you've got to stop liking her as much as you do, but you've got to tone it down big time. But it is not like it matters anymore as what is done is already done, I have been keeping my distance from her and I'm trying really hard to "Just Be", but sometimes the heartache comes back and haunts me which is truly hard to cope with. How do I cope with these heartaches? How do you think your ex coped with the heartache of you slowly detaching from her, emotionally cheated on her but didn't let her go until you'd had a full year of slowly breaking her heart? I'm not trying to be mean by bringing that up, but you seem to need a little perspective. The heartache you're feeling now is not "real" heartache. It's the longing brought on by unrequited lust and infatuation. It's intense, but it's short lived. People go through much worse - in fact, your last breakup sounds much worse. If you've got an ounce of strength in you, you'll cope. Then again, it took you a year to leave a relationship that you weren't interested in, so perhaps emotional fortitude is something you're lacking. Either way, chin up. Read any random thread on here and you'll find a situation much worse than yours. A little schadenfreude to settle your mind. 1
Author ravheartless Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 Feeling this way when you're not in a relationship with her and haven't yet seen ALL of her is going to be a death sentence for any chances you have with her. There is no such thing as "the one", and the more you put her on a pedestal and believe that she's the one for you, the more you'll pressure her and the more you'll kill any chances you might have. You are right. It took me 3 years to find out that my ex is not the one, how do I know that this girl from work is the one? I got carried away and the more I calm down the more I feel ashamed of myself. I understand and agree to most of the things you said but somehow I just didn't acted the way I am supposed to. I still believe there are such thing as "the one", but yeah I need to be in a relationship with her to know that. I'm not saying that you've got to stop liking her as much as you do, but you've got to tone it down big time. Yes, like I said I have been keeping my distance away from her. No talk at work and just the regular good morning and goodbye. I did tried to text her once two weeks after the incident and it seemed fined. However, couple days later I texted her again and she just didn't reply. The conversation was nothing obsessive or clingy, just usual work stuff and our common hobbies, but well I guess that means back off, right? How do you think your ex coped with the heartache of you slowly detaching from her, emotionally cheated on her but didn't let her go until you'd had a full year of slowly breaking her heart? I'm not trying to be mean by bringing that up, but you seem to need a little perspective. The heartache you're feeling now is not "real" heartache. It's the longing brought on by unrequited lust and infatuation. It's intense, but it's short lived. People go through much worse - in fact, your last breakup sounds much worse. If you've got an ounce of strength in you, you'll cope. Then again, it took you a year to leave a relationship that you weren't interested in, so perhaps emotional fortitude is something you're lacking. Either way, chin up. Read any random thread on here and you'll find a situation much worse than yours. A little schadenfreude to settle your mind. I am usually tough when it comes to work, or making difficult decisions and changes in life, but when it comes to relationship I am a total loss. Yes, I am still coping as seeing her everyday at work doesn't help, but I am getting better at mind blocking her, if you know what i mean. I guess I will just have to learn from my mistake and hopefully I'll do better next time. For what it is worth, I really thank you for helping me out and spending the time to type up all these advice, especially for a total stranger like me.
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