She says that she can't let go. She wants to change and is prepared to take the time

[DeaconFrost]

So we broke up a little over a week and a half ago. This is the first time we really completely broke up with two failed opportunities in between. I initiated all of them. We dated for 8 months and moved extremely fast. The first three months were the happiest I have ever been. I fell so in love with this girl. I never really had a serious girlfriend because I was always too busy trying to make things happen for myself. She threw me for a loop. I caught her in the same way. The only problem was I took her out of a failing relationship. It wasn't untill after the thrid month that she started to feel guilty and began the grieving process which lasted for a while. Needless o say this didn't help our relationship.

 

During our time together she told me that no one had ever treated her even close to as good as I treated her. I was the best she had ever known and she told me point blank that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. But something odd was lying underneath and it slowly started to decline in the remaining 5 months.

 

To explain it in a nutshell, I never really felt appreciated fully. I would do all kinds of stuff from big to small and it never really felt like it registered. I always felt like the scales were tipped with regards to caring and showing love for the other person. It felt like she knew what was happening but for whatever reason she was holding herself back and keeping me at arms length. On top of that our sex life was tanking which really hurt me. Every time I told her that I wasn't happy with something, she would acknwoledge it but say that she didn't know why she would do it. She told me she felt extremely guilty but for some reason her actions were not following what her heart was saying.

 

In our last week the truth came out. She said how guilty she felt, but for whatever reason she just couldn't show me how she felt. She told me she felt like I love her more than she loved me but she didn't want it to be that way. She knew that I was an amazing person to her but she didn't know why she couldn't fully show her love for me and why she couldn't completely give herself to me. This included sex which was a real sore spot for me. Fed up, I broke loose.

 

About four days later it apparently hit her pretty hard because she called me in tears wanting to know why I bailed on her and why I couldn't just support her in this difficult time while she tried to figure herself out. This to me was a joke because I'd been trying for months to just bear it. The only difference was that we just finally put a label on what her problem was: she had a fear of commitment and a difficulty expressing what she felt. In any event I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

 

The other night she asked if we could talk in person. I agreed. We had a real heart to heart where she told me that she just couldn't believe that it was all over. She told me that she loved me incredibly deeply and she didn't want to be without me. She acknowledged that majority of the reason we broke up was because she has problems. She apologized for the whole thing and as far as I know was the most sincere she had ever been. She told me that while she didn't want to break up, that time apart would probably be exactly what she needed to find herself, understand why she does these things, and regain a sense of happiness. She said she wanted this for her and me because she just doesn't want to let go of me. She wants to change for the better and when she is ready she wants to be with me if I am available. She says that I am the only one she wants to be with.

 

Ever since that night she has been trying to maintain communication in some form to let me know that everyday she is making progress and that she loves me. She is aware that it will take a lot of time to improve permanently, but she wants to me to know that she will not let me down.

 

My question is is it even worth it to talk to her and even consider this as a remote possibility? Can people actually change? I am a bit of a synic here and I'm not sure if she will actually follow through. I will say that this is the most enthusiastic and confident that I have ever seen her, but does it really matter? I am hurt from the previous stuff and was ready to move on until her relentless actions have been bombarding me. I'm getting tugged back and forth because I do think she is a special girl, but I'm not sure that she is the kind of person that I want and need. I don't know if she can change and if she does, how much different will things really be? Does it matter?

 

What do you guys think? Thanks.

[Sckott]

This sucks.

 

I went through similar things here.

 

What's happened is, you've put your ass on the line quite a bit and her appreciation really wasn't there. This is important. Your investment is huge, she now wants to try harder. It doesn't sound good. She'll have to reinvent her positions when originally she just didn't want to put forth some real effort.

 

The way I look at it, she doesn't have it in her to love you truly. Don't take it personally. Sometimes people's love runs out of steam. In many cases, this is how she might be internally and has nothing to do with you.

 

Commitment is important here. It's what keeps families together. Sometimes you do have to give your all even when you don't want to. You just have to feel good with the other person no matter what the weather is. The next time you have a chance, ring up a married friend and ask her/him how it's done; where their mindsets are. Get a feel for how real emotional investments are spent. Ask youself if you see her in that position.

 

With this one, although I try to be an optimist, either she's going to pony up and make things real or the hurt will become real, prolong and do some serious emotional drag to you.

 

Real love doesn't take much effort. It sounds like you're very much in love with her, and I can understand your position, but be very aware that trying to make this work is going to true dedication. At the very least, if you decide to reinvest again, sit her down and tell her how much you care about her, but that such a second chance means her dedication is key.

 

If you feel that her real feelings aren't in it, pull out now while you can with less hurt. Good luck.

[DeaconFrost]

Well, I just got off the phone with her. She broke through me. I really think that the dedication is there this time. No BS. Fact is, our communication really, really, really, sucks. We agreed that step by step, inch by inch, and as slow as possible is the way to go. Figure out what went wrong, how we address those issues, and how to make each other happy and completely compromise.

 

My next question here refers to the statement that true love should be easy. Is it really that easy? Doesn't the true nature of a solid relationship take bona fide work? You see, our love was effortless in the beginning. No problems there. But a consistent pattern of miscommunication, life-changing events, and a nasty case of cyclical finger-pointing occured between us. Just because it's a lot of work, does it make it any less valid or real? That's the question I'm wrestling with. We both were in divorce settings growing up and we can't stand the fact of that. As such we are very real of the consequences. On top of that we are both over-analyzers which causes for way too much thinking and way too much drama. In spite of that, is it doomed for us because it is not fairytale like? This is real stuff with real issues. Am I being naive or is this me starting to figure out what is really going on in a working relationship? Ugh...I hate my brain....Thanks for your responses guys.

[lost_in_chgo]

Try focusing less on what she is doing wrong when you talk to her and find out how she is feeling. Make it clear that you are both working together on this. If you take the angle that she is the one who has to fix this, she's going to bolt on you again. She's insecure and has trust issues. You need to make her as comfortable with you as possible so you can develop trust and approach your problems together.

[poister]

What a tough situation - I hope you find a resolution.

 

My $0.02: I have been the woman in this situation, and when my man came back to me acceptingly, it took away my incentive to work on my issues. I'm not saying this will be the case for you GF, but you know her personality, so consider whether working "together" will turn into you working alone again.

 

As for love being easy, my experience says otherwise - it needs to be worked at. I read somewhere (sorry, can't remember where) that if you're happy 85% of the time in your relationship, you're doing perfect.

[Universe]

The only problem was I took her out of a failing relationship. It wasn't untill after the thrid month that she started to feel guilty and began the grieving process which lasted for a while. Needless o say this didn't help our relationship.

How long was she with the guy before you? and how long after him did you start sleeping with her? Why was their relationship failing? Is he still in the picture?

[upsetnhurt]

Are you sure you are simply not a rebound here? Something tells me that this breakthrough you think you have seen is simply temporary in nature. What makes you think that her guilt over how she ended her last relationship is gone? What were the reasons for her prior breakup? Could they be for lack of communication on her part to her ex? If so, why do you think she can change?

 

Sorry for all the negativity yet I am in the same situation and sometimes thinking negatively gives me the reality check that I need.

[Sckott]

I'm thinking temporary too.

 

Love does take work, but it SHOULDN'T be a lot of work. Ditto feelings on the 85%. Everything should be basically 85% great. No one is perfect and no relationship is absolutely perfect.

 

However, it sounds like you both should maybe make a truce and both promise each other to move on and try communicating more effectively. If this relationship is a long one for both of you, sometimes seeking counciling is a good thing. The pain and weight of a relationship can be taxing on two people if there's issues. I'd even go so far as to write things down between both of you and see if you can't do some elimination over some wine?

 

My feeling has always been, if two people want the relationship, if they both want to move on and enjoy themselves AND leave the past behind, it CAN be done.

 

However, it seems these issues need to be tackled maturely, effectively, soon. Can she do that too or is she under pressure?