somedude81 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Been with her six months. Now single for 5, and I'm no where even close to indifference. I just have lots and lots of hate for her. 1
WYSWYG Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Been with her six months. Now single for 5, and I'm no where even close to indifference. I just have lots and lots of hate for her. I'm about at the same numbers as you SD81 and have a lot of hate as well. It fuels my workouts. 'just can't seem to forgive yet.... 1
somedude81 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I'm about at the same numbers as you SD81 and have a lot of hate as well. It fuels my workouts. 'just can't seem to forgive yet.... How do you forgive somebody when they not only don't ask for it, they just don't care about you anymore? The more time that goes by, it actually seems that my hate for her is growing.
shet Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Around 1.5 years before I became indifferent, after my first LTR. Subsequently less. Now after 6 months or so, although that doesn't imply I'm looking after that time, just indifferent to her. I do things slower and more deliberately than most.
WYSWYG Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 How do you forgive somebody when they not only don't ask for it, they just don't care about you anymore? The more time that goes by, it actually seems that my hate for her is growing. I had it worst before than the recent one. This I know, the hatred will fade away. I just didn't get angry anymore or can't even think of it when I eventually saw & spoke to those "devious" exes again after some time (less than a year). That's when I know I've reached the point of indifference. I also had exes hated me as a dumper and they also became friends again in time. Perhaps it's the receptive attitude I choose to keep the vibes positive. I reminisce and ask why and wish it could have been better but that's life I suppose. The cuts heal but the scar remains.... 1
elseaacych Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I have reached an odd point of acceptance of the loss of the relationship, and have gained a little bit of peace because of it. However, I certainly am not indifferent. I don't think I'd know what I'd do if I got a communication from my ex or saw him in person. It's been nearly 6 months since he broke up with me, and total radio silence. (That's probably for the best, though.) I think that when you share a good portion of your life with someone, a long term committed relationship, you can never be totally indifferent to them. You will always feel some kind of emotion toward them, no matter how small, because at one point, they did matter to you. 2
BC1980 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I took me about 4 months of NC to reach acceptance and to begin truly ordering my life around moving on. I'm still finding myself and my new life as a single person without him. I'm definitely not indifferent to him, which is why I hope he never contacts me again. I hope I don't accidentally see him at the grocery store. I don't know how realistic it would be to attain total indifference.
Zapbasket Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) I don't know how realistic it would be to attain total indifference. Or, how healthy. I really dislike the words the English language has formed to describe the process of ending a relationship with someone. "Getting over" a relationship or a person, for instance. "Moving on." It sets up a very unrealistic bar that people who are not very self-aware fancy they've attained, only to discover years later, through therapy or some other life event that has caused an emotional awakening, that they only really pretended to themselves that they were "over it." I know, because I have been one of those people. I think the reason the aftermath of broken relationships hurts so much is because on the one hand, you have to move forward in life as a single person and so you must find a way to "let go," but at the same time, it's impossible to become purely indifferent. These two things seem to be at odds. Even the ex I say I never loved--he is the closest I could come to saying I'm "indifferent," but instead of indifference what I really feel is sadness that I ever felt such emptiness in my life that I could lie to myself that I loved someone when I did not, that I could attach myself to someone as severely damaged and unable to love or to live life meaningfully and lie to myself that I had a "real" relationship. So even though I did not and do not grieve the loss of HIM, I have only begun to grieve the emptiness and the crumbs that I eagerly, desperately accepted as something more. And I only had the self-awareness to begin to grieve this after the breakup with my most recent ex. I think what really has happened, when we feel the alleviation of hurt, longing, anger, and whatever other feelings a breakup stirred in us enough to be able to plunge whole-heartedly into our lives, is that we have reached some measure of acceptance. Not only of the loss of that person from our lives, but of everything that accompanied that person's passage through our lives: who we were with them, why we chose them, why they chose us, who they were with us, who they might become without us, who we want to become in our lives, etc. All of that. And we can only reach the degree of acceptance our self-awareness enables us to attain at any given time--which means that as the years pass and we arrive at greater self-understanding (if we work for it), we might have to revisit those old, lost relationships in our minds if not IRL in order to attain a new level of acceptance that will enable us to keep moving forward. It never ends! Which is why in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, it all seems so daunting. It really does suck, big-time. Edited May 5, 2014 by GreenCove 4
Virgin26 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) 4 months of radio silence from both parts, and I'm nowhere near indifference. I'm a bit stronger now, and can carry on with No Contact. But I don't think I'll ever be indifferent towards this man! When you truly love someone more than anything, and they decide to leave for whatever reason, you eventually learn how to live without them, but you never truly become indifferent to them! I also didn't reach the "anger phase". For some reason, I never went through this phase in all my previous relationship. This just goes to prove that the stages of moving on aren't set in stone, and people are indeed different. Edited May 5, 2014 by Virgin26 1
WYSWYG Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 . Not only of the loss of that person from our lives, but of everything that accompanied that person's passage through our lives: who we were with them, why we chose them, why they chose us, who they were with us, who they might become without us, who we want to become in our lives, etc. Very well-put, GC. This is a great guide on self-reflection and soul-searching. Thanks for sharing that!
Luua Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I broke a couple of hearts... and I've also been brokenhearted twice. The first guy took me around 9 months. Exactly till I met someone else... This "someone else" whose existence I thanked more than anything at that time... dumped me two months ago after a 2.5 year relationship. I still haven't reached anywhere near indifference. If the previous one hurt, this one is beyond words. I think it's gonna take much longer... The way I see it I'll probably never be able to be near him again. I've been devastated since, and I can't even function normally now, so I guess it will be a very hard one (hopefully the last). Ouch. 1
BC1980 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Or, how healthy. I really dislike the words the English language has formed to describe the process of ending a relationship with someone. "Getting over" a relationship or a person, for instance. "Moving on." It sets up a very unrealistic bar that people who are not very self-aware fancy they've attained, only to discover years later, through therapy or some other life event that has caused an emotional awakening, that they only really pretended to themselves that they were "over it." I know, because I have been one of those people. I think the reason the aftermath of broken relationships hurts so much is because on the one hand, you have to move forward in life as a single person and so you must find a way to "let go," but at the same time, it's impossible to become purely indifferent. These two things seem to be at odds. Even the ex I say I never loved--he is the closest I could come to saying I'm "indifferent," but instead of indifference what I really feel is sadness that I ever felt such emptiness in my life that I could lie to myself that I loved someone when I did not, that I could attach myself to someone as severely damaged and unable to love or to live life meaningfully and lie to myself that I had a "real" relationship. So even though I did not and do not grieve the loss of HIM, I have only begun to grieve the emptiness and the crumbs that I eagerly, desperately accepted as something more. And I only had the self-awareness to begin to grieve this after the breakup with my most recent ex. I think what really has happened, when we feel the alleviation of hurt, longing, anger, and whatever other feelings a breakup stirred in us enough to be able to plunge whole-heartedly into our lives, is that we have reached some measure of acceptance. Not only of the loss of that person from our lives, but of everything that accompanied that person's passage through our lives: who we were with them, why we chose them, why they chose us, who they were with us, who they might become without us, who we want to become in our lives, etc. All of that. And we can only reach the degree of acceptance our self-awareness enables us to attain at any given time--which means that as the years pass and we arrive at greater self-understanding (if we work for it), we might have to revisit those old, lost relationships in our minds if not IRL in order to attain a new level of acceptance that will enable us to keep moving forward. It never ends! Which is why in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, it all seems so daunting. It really does suck, big-time. I agree with all of this. I would love to be indifferent one day, but how realistic is that? When someone dies, we don't expect people to be indifferent that the person died and never have feelings again. Even my ex from 14 years ago, my first boyfriend, I can't say that I would be 100% indifferent to him if I saw him. I haven't seen him since probably 2001, and I never think of him. But I can't truly say that I am indifferent. I don't want to reconcile with him, and I don't care that he is married. However, I did love him at one point.
BC1980 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I broke a couple of hearts... and I've also been brokenhearted twice. The first guy took me around 9 months. Exactly till I met someone else... This "someone else" whose existence I thanked more than anything at that time... dumped me two months ago after a 2.5 year relationship. I still haven't reached anywhere near indifference. If the previous one hurt, this one is beyond words. I think it's gonna take much longer... The way I see it I'll probably never be able to be near him again. I've been devastated since, and I can't even function normally now, so I guess it will be a very hard one (hopefully the last). Ouch. You know, it took me a year to get over my first boyfriend (after 2 years together), and it happened when I met someone else. I'm not sure that's a good thing. Oddly enough, the second boyfriend took only a few months to get over, and I hadn't met anyone else at the time.
Luua Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 You know, it took me a year to get over my first boyfriend (after 2 years together), and it happened when I met someone else. I'm not sure that's a good thing. Oddly enough, the second boyfriend took only a few months to get over, and I hadn't met anyone else at the time. Yeah, i thought it was good too but now I'm not that sure. I might be grieving both losses now. I know I'm over the first guy but oddly he has come back to my mind since my recent ex dumped me. I guess I felt something similar back then that I had forgotten... And now the process just made me remember and "reopen" (figuratively) old wounds. I think I'll feel indifference only when I'll be able to live with myself and recover my identity & self-esteem. I kinda lost myself in both relationships... Gave too much and got so little at the end. My fault though, I let that happen though I saw it coming. My wish: not to be at war with myself in a few months still. 1
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