lamaga Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) After almost 4 months together, with him having been more cautious in the past, not wanting to be facebook friends, not calling me his girlfriend in front of others, and not calling me any cute nicknames, or needing his space a lot, my boyfriend all of a sudden changed weirdly in behaviour. Last weekend I had band rehearsal and he called me 5 times, asking where I was. I told him I was busy, and he could come over in the evening, which he ended up doing. He was super affectionate, which I didn't see as weird, but what followed was... He slept over 4 nights in a row.. it was also his birthday coming up... he took me out with his friends and introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend. I got him a book and baked him a cake and he was really happy about it, started calling me "mein Schatz" all of a sudden (german nickname for loved one) - in front of others and at home - ALL THE TIME. Suddenly he had this glow in his eyes when he would look at me... and being all smiley. He then added me on Facebook out of nowhere (so he could 'invite me to this event at school'), even though he had been super persistent about not wanting to be FB friends in the past... then he stayed up all night helping me with an assignment for school, neglecting his own homework. I was super confused, because he never had shown SOOO much attention before, and all bulked up at once... Then, after his birthday he went silent on me for a day, which I thought was normal, because yeah, he needed his space before, and after 4 consecutive days together, I understand. But then the day after - nothing, not even a text. But then he came over in the evening and was very distant. It felt as if there was no connection what so ever. He went from lukewarm to hot to super cold. He has been like this for 5 days now. No nicknames, no excessive time spending, no initiating contact... And I get it, we both have exam stress until the end of next week, and I am stressing over it like crazy, but that doesn't mean I need to go hot and cold with showing my emotion, no? Why do you think was he so sweet all of a sudden and why is he now pulling back again? Edited March 18, 2014 by lamaga
Emilia Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) Why do you think was he so sweet all of a sudden and why is he now pulling back again? How about asking him? He could be going through a difficult time and you aren't even doing the girlfriend duty and ask him? Edited March 18, 2014 by Emilia 1
Author lamaga Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 How about asking him? He could be going through a difficult time and you aren't even doing the girlfriend duty and ask him? I already asked him where the behaviour came from and he said he is just stressed over exams...
Emilia Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I already asked him where the behaviour came from and he said he is just stressed over exams... So you only have to wait until the end of next week to find out whether that's the case, no?
Author lamaga Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 So you only have to wait until the end of next week to find out whether that's the case, no? Well, I am wondering as to why he turned so sweet all of a sudden as well... That was never the case before...
Leigh 87 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Oh:( I was hoping his lovely behaviour would continue and he would then say " I love you" soon after:o He could really be stressed about exams or he could have freaked himself out over how he suddenly became super ... " close" with you. He let his feelings out a lot and perhaps that freaked him out, because he is not normally the type to do that. I would wait and see what happens. If he continues his cold/aloof behaviour then you are the type of girl who I can tell needs SOME of that lovely behaviour that he demonstrated before, at least some of the time. It won't work if he continues like this. I am sure it sounds like a passing phase, there is no good reason for him to act all lovely towards you only to change his mind soon after. I don't think it is in peoples nature to feel SO strongly about someone one second, only to be totally unsure the next. Normally the person was never that crazy about you to begin with. Keep us posted! Your relationship is one of my favourite ones to hear about on here:) Your stories are the rare few where I don't think it as simplistic as him just "not being that into you". And I am a person who tends to prefer declarations of love within a month. So yeah, I still have hope for you guys from what I have heard:bunny: 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Also, Lamaga, think about it for a second.. Does YOUR behaviour suddenly change from super loving to cold and indifferent JUST because of exam stress? Personally, I don't let exam stress alter the way I act towards my boyfriend. I am a loving person by nature (to my boyfriend, not to others necessarily), and after a hard day of exams and/or studying, I cannot wait to dive into his arms in bed. Ask your friends; do they act more cold and uninterested in a person they are really into, just because of exam stress? Ask people why they would pull away in this manner. Don't spend more than 20 mins talking about it and don't go out of your way to ask too many people, since it is unhealthy to spend too much time pondering (about a guy).
Author lamaga Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Also, Lamaga, think about it for a second.. Does YOUR behaviour suddenly change from super loving to cold and indifferent JUST because of exam stress? Personally, I don't let exam stress alter the way I act towards my boyfriend. I am a loving person by nature (to my boyfriend, not to others necessarily), and after a hard day of exams and/or studying, I cannot wait to dive into his arms in bed. Ask your friends; do they act more cold and uninterested in a person they are really into, just because of exam stress? Ask people why they would pull away in this manner. Don't spend more than 20 mins talking about it and don't go out of your way to ask too many people, since it is unhealthy to spend too much time pondering (about a guy). My roommate and close friends tells me that I should tell him how I feel about him already, because they feel that he loves me too based on most of his actions, and he just is too proud/confused/stressed or maybe even scared to say it (after all he is a shy guy within a hard shell) . The best thing would be for me to just tell him after exams are over. He said he will have a lot of time for us then, and had the idea of just spending it locked up in my apartment for the whole weekend.. sounds good to me, perhaps this will be the weekend that will change everything... Just have to wait another 9 days for that to happen! Thanks for the support! 1
Author lamaga Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 Also, Lamaga, think about it for a second.. Does YOUR behaviour suddenly change from super loving to cold and indifferent JUST because of exam stress? Personally, I don't let exam stress alter the way I act towards my boyfriend. I am a loving person by nature (to my boyfriend, not to others necessarily), and after a hard day of exams and/or studying, I cannot wait to dive into his arms in bed. Ask your friends; do they act more cold and uninterested in a person they are really into, just because of exam stress? Ask people why they would pull away in this manner. Don't spend more than 20 mins talking about it and don't go out of your way to ask too many people, since it is unhealthy to spend too much time pondering (about a guy). I am meeting with his best female friend today for some girls night. Shall I talk to her about it or leave it be?
Leigh 87 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I am meeting with his best female friend today for some girls night. Shall I talk to her about it or leave it be? Yes. Asked her. Then get back to us. A total change in behavior is worrying and you have a right to get opinions on it.
soccerrprp Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Sudden change in behavior is always an alarming thing. Ask his friend what is going on. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 OP, you have made several threads about your boyfriend. Something isn't working well if you continue to have so many ups and downs, ambiguity, and anxiety of the status of the relationship. I've been in your position, and can say that when your gut is telling you something isn't right, it's often spot-on. A sudden change in behaviour (in either direction) can be a warning sign. I would speak to him directly - not his friends. They know him but they can't tell you what he's thinking. Also, I imagine he wouldn't be so pleased to hear you went to his friends about it; I know you have good intentions in doing so but it could make the situation worse. I would just say that given the back story on your relationship up to now, not all of this 180 can be put down to exam stress. You need to gently yet firmly get to the bottom of it. 2
saltyfishhead666 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 After almost 4 months together, with him having been more cautious in the past, not wanting to be facebook friends, not calling me his girlfriend in front of others, and not calling me any cute nicknames, or needing his space a lot, my boyfriend all of a sudden changed weirdly in behaviour. Last weekend I had band rehearsal and he called me 5 times, asking where I was. I told him I was busy, and he could come over in the evening, which he ended up doing. He was super affectionate, which I didn't see as weird, but what followed was... He slept over 4 nights in a row.. it was also his birthday coming up... he took me out with his friends and introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend. I got him a book and baked him a cake and he was really happy about it, started calling me "mein Schatz" all of a sudden (german nickname for loved one) - in front of others and at home - ALL THE TIME. Suddenly he had this glow in his eyes when he would look at me... and being all smiley. He then added me on Facebook out of nowhere (so he could 'invite me to this event at school'), even though he had been super persistent about not wanting to be FB friends in the past... then he stayed up all night helping me with an assignment for school, neglecting his own homework. I was super confused, because he never had shown SOOO much attention before, and all bulked up at once... Then, after his birthday he went silent on me for a day, which I thought was normal, because yeah, he needed his space before, and after 4 consecutive days together, I understand. But then the day after - nothing, not even a text. But then he came over in the evening and was very distant. It felt as if there was no connection what so ever. He went from lukewarm to hot to super cold. He has been like this for 5 days now. No nicknames, no excessive time spending, no initiating contact... And I get it, we both have exam stress until the end of next week, and I am stressing over it like crazy, but that doesn't mean I need to go hot and cold with showing my emotion, no? Why do you think was he so sweet all of a sudden and why is he now pulling back again? Sounds to me like he had an actual girlfriend, and didn't want you to know about each other and now... He's not with her so you are able to Be on his Facebook, be around his friends, be lovey dovey because now it's not cheating. Serious red flag for me
Author lamaga Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Sounds to me like he had an actual girlfriend, and didn't want you to know about each other and now... He's not with her so you are able to Be on his Facebook, be around his friends, be lovey dovey because now it's not cheating. Serious red flag for me That doesn't make any sense, because we are neighbours, study together, see each other every day and have the same circle of friends. Everyone knew we were dating from day 1. We have over 30 mutual Facebook friends. Not sure how he should have managed to see someone else all this time.
quidproquo89 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Oh:( I was hoping his lovely behaviour would continue and he would then say " I love you" soon after:o He could really be stressed about exams or he could have freaked himself out over how he suddenly became super ... " close" with you. He let his feelings out a lot and perhaps that freaked him out, because he is not normally the type to do that. I would wait and see what happens. If he continues his cold/aloof behaviour then you are the type of girl who I can tell needs SOME of that lovely behaviour that he demonstrated before, at least some of the time. It won't work if he continues like this. I am sure it sounds like a passing phase, there is no good reason for him to act all lovely towards you only to change his mind soon after. I don't think it is in peoples nature to feel SO strongly about someone one second, only to be totally unsure the next. Normally the person was never that crazy about you to begin with. Keep us posted! Your relationship is one of my favourite ones to hear about on here:) Your stories are the rare few where I don't think it as simplistic as him just "not being that into you". And I am a person who tends to prefer declarations of love within a month. So yeah, I still have hope for you guys from what I have heard:bunny: that's really good detailed advice that really helps the person asking the question. It's really liberating to see someone try to back up the person asking the question, making them sound like they've done nothing wrong. I'd love to get your opinion on one of my questions http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/467610-did-i-do-something-wrong-all-her-like-she-said#post5594168
quidproquo89 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 After almost 4 months together, with him having been more cautious in the past, not wanting to be facebook friends, not calling me his girlfriend in front of others, and not calling me any cute nicknames, or needing his space a lot, my boyfriend all of a sudden changed weirdly in behaviour. Last weekend I had band rehearsal and he called me 5 times, asking where I was. I told him I was busy, and he could come over in the evening, which he ended up doing. He was super affectionate, which I didn't see as weird, but what followed was... He slept over 4 nights in a row.. it was also his birthday coming up... he took me out with his friends and introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend. I got him a book and baked him a cake and he was really happy about it, started calling me "mein Schatz" all of a sudden (german nickname for loved one) - in front of others and at home - ALL THE TIME. Suddenly he had this glow in his eyes when he would look at me... and being all smiley. He then added me on Facebook out of nowhere (so he could 'invite me to this event at school'), even though he had been super persistent about not wanting to be FB friends in the past... then he stayed up all night helping me with an assignment for school, neglecting his own homework. I was super confused, because he never had shown SOOO much attention before, and all bulked up at once... Then, after his birthday he went silent on me for a day, which I thought was normal, because yeah, he needed his space before, and after 4 consecutive days together, I understand. But then the day after - nothing, not even a text. But then he came over in the evening and was very distant. It felt as if there was no connection what so ever. He went from lukewarm to hot to super cold. He has been like this for 5 days now. No nicknames, no excessive time spending, no initiating contact... And I get it, we both have exam stress until the end of next week, and I am stressing over it like crazy, but that doesn't mean I need to go hot and cold with showing my emotion, no? Why do you think was he so sweet all of a sudden and why is he now pulling back again? I would definitely talk to him about it. Try and get him to be completely honest about it. Tell him this behaviour isn't right and it isn't fair on you. Really want to hear how this turns out
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 What's your theory on his odd behaviour, OP? We can only speculate. What's your gut telling you?
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 In my experience "hot" and "cold" is almost worse than consistently cold. I never had a good feeling about this relationship and I am pretty sure you will end up hurt. 4
Leigh 87 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 In my experience "hot" and "cold" is almost worse than consistently cold. I never had a good feeling about this relationship and I am pretty sure you will end up hurt. Sadly, I'm beginning to feel this way too I though there was a fair chance that things could be fine, great even. Now I'm not so sure. Eternal Sunshine: what do you honestly think is going on with this guy? You seem to have a good sense for these things.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Sadly, I'm beginning to feel this way too I though there was a fair chance that things could be fine, great even. Now I'm not so sure. Eternal Sunshine: what do you honestly think is going on with this guy? You seem to have a good sense for these things. I think that at 22 he is nowhere emotionally mature or ready for commitment or a serious relationship. OP on the other hand is quite ready and in a different stage of her life. OP is putting on the pressure, in direct and indirect ways. There are many subtle clues that she is probably giving off and this guy is backing away only to come back when she backs off a bit. He may like her or even the idea of a relationship but the reality of it is: it's just a matter of time before he pulls away permanently. With men, it's not just how much they like someone, it's also very much the timing issue. OP is in too deep already so will just have to ride this wave and at least will come out of it with the lesson learned.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 You need to lean back, figuratively. Do your thing without worrying about what he's doing. Let him come to you. He's young and inexperienced. His big wave of attention was like him putting a tall stack on the gambling table in a confident, ballsy moment. But now as the hand is underway and more cards turn over, he's not sure he can back up that big bet, so he's feeling less sure and pulling back. It probably doesn't have much to do with you. He's inexperienced and would likely feel that with anyone at this stage. Don't let him yo-yo YOU. I have heard that men are like rubber bands - they pull back, and you putting any pressure on will only bring a SNAP. Let him get close again on his own. You hold your ground and focus on yourself. You might decide it's too unstable for you and choose not to ride the waves. That's your call. 1
Recommended Posts