zyddie Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) Hi everyone, Ok, so I just had my first anniversary (dating not married). My boyfriend is a great guy. Honest to goodness gentleman. He rarely lets me pay for anything (even though I have tried many, many times). He’s a bag holder, door opener, love you baby, super affectionate guy. So... for valentines, I got a construction paper flower. This I did appreciate because it was an inside thing between us, it was really sweet and funny. I loved it, but he didn’t get anything else. No card, candy, flowers. I did buy him a card and chocolates. Now I must also mention, for Valentines and our anniversary he has had a broken ankle. He used this excuse for Valentines... I said it was fine but since he has been making it to work every day I feel still a weak excuse. He couldn't make it to a pharmacy to get chocolates and a card?? But I let that go. For our anniversary, I agonized over his gift. Saved up to buy him a watch (yes we're adults I'm just not doing well financially right now). When I got it, it wasn't what I expected and there was not a friend or co-worker who was not asked their opinion. It was a big deal for me that he love this gift. So anniversary night comes.... and no gift for me. Here is his back ground. We are both 37 but he has never had a real relationship. His last relationship was in high school. Since, he has dated women here and there but nothing that can be described as anything as other than on and off. He makes decent money, he’s a saver, and he helps his family financially. His parents are out of work. Now Anniversary comes, no gift and he gave me a myriad of excuses. First it was, I didn't know, I'm not used to relationships (I was not as nice this time, I did make him feel bad. Asked him if he watches television and that even 15 year old kids know you give a gift on an anniversary. Which I did feel bad about and apologized then asked him to forget because I didn't want to ruin the night. Told him I loved him very much but I was disappointed. I felt I needed to be honest, I’ve done the “no it’s ok honey” and I am now divorced… not planning on that again). He asked if flowers were enough (he had them waiting for me back at his apartment). I told him they are nice too but it shouldn’t be the gift. He then asked if it’s supposed to be expensive, I answered it’s supposed to be whatever it is you want me to have. Then he said he had trouble getting around. After this excuse I told him to drop it. I was still very happy we have been together a year and I wanted to focus on that. But it remained in the back of my head… the next day I asked him what the real reason was. I asked him if it was about the money because he should have just said so. He mentioned he was paying for dinner and drinks. I don’t remember what else was said but I was upset. I told him I was disappointed. I felt worried about what I would tell my mom when she asked what he gave me (she knew I was buying him a watch). I told him not to buy me a gift after the fact because it wouldn’t mean anything. It was supposed to be something he wanted to do for me. We were quiet for a while and I again let it go and we just cuddled for a while until we were smiling and laughing again. Ok, so the reason I am asking about this now, is because my friend says she spoke to some friends of hers, both men and women (she has a lot of time on her hands). Her friends felt I was being materialistic, that dinner and drinks were the gift. I feel like it’s really not because it is normal for him to pay when we go out so it doesn’t feel like something “special” he did for our anniversary. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate every time he pays, I always say thank you. But it felt to me like our anniversary was special only to me. I thought long and hard about what I wore. I wore a skirt for his benefit (I am a jeans and boots girl). I got a sexy outfit for after dinner. I bought him the watch. I looked for the restaurant and specifically searched for a place that would be nice but not too expensive. He tried to help a bit with the restaurant but by the time he did that I had already found the place we ended up going to. So again my question is. Was I wrong? Am I being materialistic? Edited March 18, 2014 by zyddie grammar
AntiSocal Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 You're wrong. You can't expect anyone to read your mind. IF it was this special to you and you REALLY wanted a gift and a nice night? You should have dropped hints. For example "i'm so excited for our anniversary gonna be a super special night" or "can't wait till you see the gift i got you" or you should have just came straight out and asked, are we exchanging gifts? One year anniversary is not that special. And if you guys really plan on being together for a long time after about 5 years is when you should start expecting nice extravagant surprises. Also he pays all the time.... hes been paying for you for a year... is that not a gift within itself? Only thing worse then a demanding woman is a demanding woman who doesn't COMMUNICATE. COMMUNICATE WHAT YOU WANT. He can't read your mind. At 37 i can see why he wouldn't think much of a 1 year anniversary. When i was 18 and had my first one year anniversary my girlfriend TOLD me she expected something nice. She HINTED that my gift was gonna be a few hundred dollar or more and that she EXPECTED something of similar value in return. So i was able to get that for her. Communicate, communicate, communicate. And start picking up a check every now and then, he might feel more obligated to spend money on gifts if he wasn't already buying you food lol 2
soccerrprp Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I don't know about "materialistic," but I do feel that you were too harsh. 1. It's a 1-yr anniversary of your DATING, not marriage, so the weight of importance may not have been so great for him 2. You tell him that the gift should have been what he thought it should be, but you are not happy with his flowers and HAND-MADE card, so you don't mean what you say? I would admit that using his broken ankle is an excuse, but doubt that he truly felt that was the reason for not doing more. I just celebrated 2-yrs since my gf and I met. Imagine, I bought 50 green roses, a tablet keyboard for her to celebrate this occasion, but these sorts of things are what I do regularly (not 50 roses or electronics every time)...give some little or medium gift to my gf whenever it strikes me. She sent me an electronic ecard to celebrate the occasion. That's it. Guess what? That is fine with me! She does so much more for me in other ways and she has NEVER had a guy pay as much attention to her as I do. She had no idea or thought to "celebrate" 2-yrs of having met. The reality is that it will be the last time that I will likely celebrate like I did b/c as important as it is, in the bigger picture, it is not all that significant. Anyway, I believe you were harsh. He gives you little gifts by way of gestures, acts on a daily basis. That's significant. I just think you place much more importance on the day you met than he does. 1
divinegrace Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Seems to me that gifts are not his love language. Some people do better with words, touch, acts of service, or quality time. If gift giving means a lot to you, which it clearly does, you need to let him know that this is something you need in your relationship. Maybe the time you had at dinner was the real gift to him. Maybe it was the time you were holding one another, the kisses... I think you need to consider how he is most comfortable expressing love, but also let him know what feels like love expressed back to you. This is a communication thing. My boyfriend and I discuss if we are going to exchange gifts or not at given holidays. We opted not to exchange gifts at Christmas and were both happy with that. You're not materialistic, this is how you express love. If you need it expressed back in the same way, he deserves to know that. Communication always pays off. Best of luck to you!! 3
soccerrprp Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Seems to me that gifts are not his love language. Some people do better with words, touch, acts of service, or quality time. If gift giving means a lot to you, which it clearly does, you need to let him know that this is something you need in your relationship. Maybe the time you had at dinner was the real gift to him. Maybe it was the time you were holding one another, the kisses... I think you need to consider how he is most comfortable expressing love, but also let him know what feels like love expressed back to you. This is a communication thing. My boyfriend and I discuss if we are going to exchange gifts or not at given holidays. We opted not to exchange gifts at Christmas and were both happy with that. You're not materialistic, this is how you express love. If you need it expressed back in the same way, he deserves to know that. Communication always pays off. Best of luck to you!! OH DOUBLE SNAP! I forgot to mention the whole love language thing... Nice. My gf loves to receive gifts and does not care how much monetary value is involved. I know her. I am not impressed with gifts. We know each other in this regard. 1
David87 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 So for valentines, I got a construction paper flower Did he make it? The thought matters. Why ruin a relationship over some stupid gifts. Is it worth it? Who cares I think that you get more satisfaction when you give then when you get a present. As you said he doesn't know this things because he hasn't had a LTR. If he doesn't give you nice presents the you do that, maybe he will understand that you are the kind of person that gets excited over a present. Teach him what you want by showing him how it's done. Last year for christmas I got my gf a Tablet and she gave me a mousepad. It didnt matter because I was so happy when I gave her the gift. Her face lit up, man she was so happy..... see where I'm getting at? 2
Author zyddie Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Thank you all for your quick responses... Well I did communicate how important this night was for me. I told him I was taking half a day at work so I could get ready and look really nice. I had been talking about our anniversary at least a whole month before. He told me I didn't have to take the time at work but I told him wanted to because it was our anniversary and it was important to me to look nice for him. I did mention the gift to him a week before. I wasn't dropping hints that he should buy me a gift, I honestly didn't occur to me he wouldn't get me one. I was concerned about the watch I had bought. I asked him if he were to buy himself an accessory like shoes what color would he prefer black or brown. He answered brown and then started hugging me and saying don't buy me anything babe don't waste money on me for our anniversary. I said it's already done. He knew I was buying a gift. I guess I could have been more clear but I guess it's been a long time since I was in a relationship too. I was with the same person for 17 years and this is my first relationship that has lasted this long since. With my ex-husband in the first few years, even dating we bought gifts. After years of being married we would just go to dinner or do something fun we liked together but I felt like that was a we have been together forever thing... not early relationship behavior.
Grumpybutfun Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 This is about expectations. He didn't know yours and he doesn't mind read, so it is very important that you spell out what you need if it causes this much conflict in your mind. I don't expect one damn thing for a gift for anything. I honestly don't, but I know she does because my wife told me exactly what she expects. She also told me why she needs things, and it is because of deep seated emotional issues that have to do with poverty and neglect she suffered as a child. She isn't materialistic because this really represents me being a provider, cognizant of her needs, and a desire to be a little girl and have stuff given to her because she is special and my favorite. However, she has never expressed that she is entitled to it or that she is angry if I miss it. I am fantastic everyday as she says and that makes me strive to be a better husband and to,please her more, not nagging and tears and making me feel guilty for not reading her mind. Therefore, I overdo it and work hard at making sure I have original stuff, homemade stuff, etc. but the reason I can do this, and the only reason I don't just buy a card and a chocolate heart is because she sat me down early in our courtship and said, this is what I would genuinely appreciate for this reason. She says, I am not a princess, but I would be thrilled with this stuff because I didn't get anything as a child and it would make me so happy. Mind you, she has always went out of her way to spoil me too so this isn't a one way street. I don't think you are materialistic, but I do think you are making materialistic stuff a gauge of his feelings for you. I think from what you wrote that you are holding him accountable for some residual feelings you hold for your first husband. Your ex didn't make the effort and you are divorced, but think on this for a moment, if you don't ask for what you want, give clear expectations for what you need, you are setting your current bf up for failure. Most men feel flowers and dinner with a drink is anniversary heaven, and I think it is more than most women get for a first anniversary. I am not trying to be mean here, but you buy him a fancy gift and place value on something expensive and store bought and expect him to do the same because that is what you value. Have you ever thought that maybe he valued time with you so he bought you dinner and drinks so he could be with you? Also, be careful that you aren't taking him for granted. Dinner and drinks aren't free, it isn't a given just because he has done it before, thanks isn't the same if you believe that you are entitled to it. You aren't. When someone does something nice for you, it is a gift, always. I don't care if he brings you tea in the morning for a million years, it is still a new gift everyday. Reflect on why this bothers you so much, talk to him about it and promise him that you will make your expectations very clear. Communicate and stop pretending things are okay just to get them out of the way. Best, Grumps MYTH, men should know what women want and go with their heart in getting them something special. REALITY, men never value what you do so this will only work if you tell his sister to tell him and pretend she didn't or if you are married to the same person for a million years and he rotates things. Due to being providers, hunters and leaders, men don't normally gauge our feelings through material things so we don't get how important this is for you. Hope this helps! G 5
Author zyddie Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 I did say I loved the flower did I not? I do appreciate the thought of him making me that flower, I never said I didn't.
Author zyddie Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 You do make some points which hit home. Perhaps I am making him pay for my ex-husbands faults. But this was never one of them. If there were no gifts its because I said, no gifts we're too broke don't worry and I was ok w that because we had just been together so long after a while it just became the normal thing. I guess it is just what I expect and didn't realize other people don't think the way I do. I do not take for granted that he pays, as I said I always say thank you. I still offer to pay all the time and he still refuses most times unless he is having a hard time that week. I just said it didn't feel to me like he was doing something special meaning out of the ordinary for me. It's not out of the ordinary for him to pay when we go out. It is out of the ordinary for me to wear a skirt, I got the mani/pedi hair done like this was a serious night out on the town. The gift I got him was a material one... and I guess that is my hang up. But it was something I wanted to do for him and that is how I express my affection from someone outside of the usual daily ways I do that. It was not my intention to make him feel bad. I just wanted to communicate what I was really feeling and not just pretending I was ok w it. And this part is definitely residual from my marriage, I put up with a lot and never said anything. And I did communicate with my ex-husband what I expected, he always said he would meet those expectations but never did. I never said anything because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Over time, I had a lot of built up resentment and simply lost respect for him. I just didn't want to repeat the same mistakes. But I hear what you guys are saying. What I expect is not what he may expect. So does it make sense to apologize? Its been a couple of weeks.
David87 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 No just leave it as it is and in the future don't make the same mistake.
Grumpybutfun Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Actually, like I said, you need to do more than apologize, you need to sit down and talk about how this made you feel and why. Then you need to ask him his honest expectations for stuff like this or for birthdays or for vacations or family events with his or your family, etc. then tell him honestly what yours is and why. Do you know why men don't make changes, they don't know why you need them to. If you say, I got you a great gift and your flowers, dinner and drinks weren't enough and that makes me angry...do you know what they hear? You aren't good enough. Instead, tell him in concise language exactly what a gift means to you as my wife did ( that was why I added that) so you can see that her reasons made me super proactive in making sure that she got her needs met because her needs came from such a vulnerable place. You say, dinner and drinks wasn't special enough because you do it all the time and men hear, I take you for granted and don't appreciate anything you do for me anymore. Communication of needs and expectations made my marriage easy, in fact the easiest thing in my life. Just trying to help you out. Disregard if unwanted advice, G
Leigh 87 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 You are not being materialistic. There are women who get showered with love and affection, as well as roses chocolates and pleasant gifts on anniversaries and valentines day. I personally become resentful when a good friend of mine gets showered and spoilt with gifts (not overly pricey or anything outrageous), only for me to get sweet fck all from a man. I simply don't enjoy being that girl who sees other women have adoring partners who buy them lovely gifts on anniversaries when I get nothing from my own partner. I was that girl in my past relationship and it left a bad taste in my mouth. He didn't even get me a birthday gift one year because " I am a student and ran out of money to get him a Christmas gift and therefore he was just making things even":sick: He never took me out for romantic dinners, we never celebrated Valentines day really which WAS our anniversary. I need to be that women who gets spoilt and who's partner organises romantic dinners for her every so often, so I hold out for guys I think fit the bill. Once it is apparent they are not into the whole spoiling me (on occasion) type of thing, I leave. That is not to say they should go overboard and spend a fortune on me, nor should they do it all the time; for anniversaries, Christmas, Birthdays and Valentines day, I simply expect him to get me some nice gifts. I am still on the fence as to whether my current guy spoils me enough. It may sound superficial and materialistic, but sorry, I have friends who have boyfriends that shower them with love and gifts, and I sure as heck wont stand by and be that girl that gets nothing (again). He brought me nice perfume for Christmas with a lovely card after knowing me a month, and for my birthday 2 wees later he bought me over 100 dollars on a good quality bag and singlet top from my favourite but costly store. I forgot what he did for valentines day which bothers me too! He took me out for dinner I think and paid but I don't recall cards or presents, since he regular takes me out for dinner and goes halves in nice bras or other nice things I buy myself. You sound like you are like me and need a man who will spoilt you for anniversaries. I am expecting my boyfriend to plan a romantic dinner for me and pay for it all. I know who I am and what I want, and if he fails to make our anniversary a special night, then I will know that we are not compatible for the long haul, as I need a guy who makes the effort via special occasions and lovely gifts/romantic gesturers. If he does nothing for our one year anniversary on the 3rd of December this year, I will know that I will only have to withstand years more of him just not giving a fudge about important occasions. I guess I am a "princess" type of gal who likes to me spoilt. I still don't think I am being too high maintenance, I DO NOT expect expensive gifts AT ALL. Just a romantic dinner/ chocolates with flowers for Valentines day, or a inexpensive necklace. Or something! Good luck, it sounds like he is not into spoiling you, if it is the way he is in general that is cool but with my ex, it was just the way he was with me. He met a new girl after me who he spends proper money on for gifts because he is genuinely into her and respects her (he was never feeling that way about me in over 2 years together). If it is just the way that he is, maybe you can get past it since it is nothing to do with him simply not being into you enough and crazy enough about you to warrant buying you nice gifts. 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Thank you all for your quick responses... Well I did communicate how important this night was for me. I told him I was taking half a day at work so I could get ready and look really nice. I had been talking about our anniversary at least a whole month before. He told me I didn't have to take the time at work but I told him wanted to because it was our anniversary and it was important to me to look nice for him. I did mention the gift to him a week before. I wasn't dropping hints that he should buy me a gift, I honestly didn't occur to me he wouldn't get me one. I was concerned about the watch I had bought. I asked him if he were to buy himself an accessory like shoes what color would he prefer black or brown. He answered brown and then started hugging me and saying don't buy me anything babe don't waste money on me for our anniversary. I said it's already done. He knew I was buying a gift. I guess I could have been more clear but I guess it's been a long time since I was in a relationship too. I was with the same person for 17 years and this is my first relationship that has lasted this long since. With my ex-husband in the first few years, even dating we bought gifts. After years of being married we would just go to dinner or do something fun we liked together but I felt like that was a we have been together forever thing... not early relationship behavior. Once my boyfriend knows I plan to buy him something he always mirrors my intentions. I wouldn't be comfortable about the fact that he knew you got him a gift and yet didn't reciprocate. A nice bunch of roses albeit a small bunch since they are costly, plus a nice dinner out and a nice hand written card would have sufficed; he couldn't be bothered to even get you a small gift which would have upset me. I would seriously want to figure out if it was just me he didn't go all out for (some guys get some girls nothing because they think they are "not materialistic" only to meet a girl who takes their breath away and then they cannot help by buy them romantic gifts for things such as anniversaries). OR perhaps he is just like this with every woman, irrespective of how into her he is. What was he like initially? Did he still multi date after he met you? Did he seem really into you from date one? I have noticed that the guy who take "longer" to fall for you and who never felt the spark to begin with are less compelled to get gifts for women they are simply not crazy about, only to spend a LOT more effort on the women that gets their hearts racing. There is a chance your boyfriend is just this way with every girl though, I would personally need to find that out before deciding my next move.
TXGuy Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 You could sit down and have a talk with him. Tell him that during year two of the relationship, you will be paying every time the two of you go out. But at the two year anniversary, he should buy you a gift, at least as expensive as the watch you gave him. 2
clia Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I don't know if materialistic is the right word, but obviously your boyfriend still doesn't know you very well if he doesn't understand that you expected a nice gift for both Valentine's Day and your anniversary. In my opinion, he did get you something both for Valentine's Day and for your first anniversary. For Valentine's Day, he made you the construction paper flower (which sounds very sweet). I think I would rather have that than a store bought card and a box of candy. But, to each their own. For anniversary, he took you to dinner and bought you flowers. As far as the anniversary...you know...I'm just a bit older than you and I don't put much stock into dating anniversaries. That seems kind of a "high school" thing to do. Other then mentioning the date, my fiance and I just went out to dinner to mark our first date anniversary and that was it. Neither one of us expected a present from the other. Some people don't think that way, especially as you get older. Your boyfriend might be one of those people. It honestly might not have even occurred to him that he should buy you an expensive gift or do anything more than dinner and flowers (which is what he did.) Sometimes this stuff means more to women than it does to men also. That you view a dating anniversary as a bigger deal (big enough to take a half day off work, which I personally find bizarre) isn't his fault. I get the impression that he would have been perfectly fine with you wearing your usual jeans and boots. But you wanted to get dressed up and make it a big deal for him, which is fine, but he didn't ask you to do that so it's unfair for you to get upset about doing it now. And then when he tries to ask you what he should have done, you tell him it is whatever he wanted you to have. Obviously he wanted you to have flowers and dinner! I think flowers and dinner is a perfectly fine anniversary present, personally. Even though it is "normal" for him to pay (what a great guy!) that does not mean he is obligated to pay on your anniversary or should take away from him treating you to dinner. This seems so ungrateful to me. Additionally, you seem to have taken all of the planning out of his hands. You searched for and picked the restaurant. You say that by the time he wanted to help you had already picked the place. Maybe you should've stepped back and let him be the man and make a plan for your anniversary dinner. Maybe he wanted to do that; you didn't give him the opportunity, so again, it's unfair for you to get upset at him now. IMO, you seem ungrateful and more worried about what other people might think than concerned about how you treated him. I think what you said to him was pretty mean and I hope you apologized. I understand being disappointed, but he didn't do nothing for either occasion. He just didn't meet your expectations. You seem upset because you bought him an expensive watch and got nothing in return. IMO, it isn't smart to buy a gift for someone on the hope that they will buy you something equally as nice in return. You buy him the watch because you want to buy him the watch. End of story. All you can do now is talk to him. Make it clear that you expect actual presents for anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine's Day, Christmas, or any other occasion that you will be disappointed if you don't get a present from him.
Phantom888 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 OP: You two are right around our age (my fiancee and I are both 39), so I think I can put in my 2 cents. First about valentines day. I DO NOT advocate going all big for such a commercial holiday. Valentines day should be about love and showing love, not how expensive a gift is. For valentines day, I wanted to be creative so I recorded a video of me singing on youtube, and registered a website to link that video. Sent her flowers at work. Spent $15 for website and $25 for flowers. She got me a card, and a magnet with a custom inscription of a love poem that describes how much she loves me. She spent probably $25. We both cried with happiness, and made love for hours that night. As for anniversary gift....it's BIG. Either spend money or put in effort, or BOTH!! The 1st anniversary is a big deal because it's your 1st year together. I don't like his excuses. If he's never been in a real relationship and he's 37, he has some arrested development in relationships, so maybe you might want to cut him some slack. But for 1st year dating anniversary is a big deal and is a prediction of how he'll treat you if you ever get married. My fiancee and I are approaching our 1 year dating anniversary in May. I am going to organize a trip. The grandparents will have to watch the kids because this is going to be the most romantic weekend! You are not materialistic to want more for your 1-year anniversary. Your man is just not putting in enough effort.
MidwestUSA Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Just a thought, but do you place more importance on things that you can point to and show off later (maybe to your friends?). Dinner and flowers would have been plenty for me. It seems as if the watch is a lasting 'status symbol', or proof that you did something for him. Whereas dinner digests and flowers die, but what you do have left is the memory. It sounds as if he's been very open to listening to your concerns, but you're being really hard on him. Taking a half day off work? If you're going to go so far over the top, it needs to be because you WANT TO, with no expectation of a return gesture that you deem equivalent. Seriously, what's next? You get him a gift, he reciprocates, but he didn't spend as much as you? That's where I see this going. If a 'dateaversary' leads to this much disappointment, well, not sure what to tell you. Now might be a good time to stop comparing this relationship to your marriage, seeing how that turned out. 1
RonaldS Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Are people now expected to celebrate 1 year dating anniversaries and buy gifts for each other? Ha! Count me out. How the hell do you even determine a date? When you had your first date? When you first banged? When you first became exclusive? When you had your first pregnancy scare together? It's not materialistic. But it is entitled, which in many ways is worse.
lollipopspot Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Also, be careful that you aren't taking him for granted. Dinner and drinks aren't free, it isn't a given just because he has done it before, thanks isn't the same if you believe that you are entitled to it. You aren't. When someone does something nice for you, it is a gift, always. I don't care if he brings you tea in the morning for a million years, it is still a new gift everyday. This is so true. I know about love languages and such, OP, and that maybe gifts are yours. But I still think even if that's the case, people with this tendency ought best to try to tone it down, and recognize the routine favors and gifts they are given for what they are. His day to day behavior towards you is what you need to focus on - the events and what he gives you for them are not that important in the scheme of things. I like gifts a LOT too, but I cringe when I see people begin to take everyday generosity for granted and expect it (not saying you're doing that), and even DEMAND it, as I have seen. I've seen people who are very generous get used terribly because people take them for granted and start expectantly taking what was once given as a gift because they feel it's theirs because the person was initially so generous.
Janesays Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I'm with Grumps...you need to sit him down and have an honest, open, NON critical conversation with him. For my first birthday with my husband (then boyfriend), he got me a gift certificate to get my hair cut. I'm generally overly sensitive around my birthday due to an abusive childhood and I took his gift to mean he didn't like my hair the way that it was. I know he didn't mean it like that, but it really hurt my feelings. So I sat him down and said that while I didn't mind practical gifts here and there, for major occasions, I preferred something a bit more romantic. Cost is and never was an issue. I just wanted something that made me feel more like a 'girlfriend' than a 'friend friend.' I told him a good rule to go by is that if he could picture my brother or his Mother giving it to me, it wasn't the right gift. So now he give me things like flowers and jewelry. And since I know he values practical gifts, I tend to get him things like electronics. Have this conversation now and you'll save yourself years of angst.
Negative Nancy Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I would seriously want to figure out if it was just me he didn't go all out for (some guys get some girls nothing because they think they are "not materialistic" only to meet a girl who takes their breath away and then they cannot help by buy them romantic gifts for things such as anniversaries). I have noticed that the guy who take "longer" to fall for you and who never felt the spark to begin with are less compelled to get gifts for women they are simply not crazy about, only to spend a LOT more effort on the women that gets their hearts racing. it was just the way he was with me. He met a new girl after me who he spends proper money on for gifts because he is genuinely into her and respects her (he was never feeling that way about me in over 2 years together). Great points.
Leigh 87 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Great points. I will phrase this in "negative nancy speak" He may just be an inconsiderate, lazy ass loser to EVERY girl, even if he is smitten with them! He may not be like my ex, who was just a loser TO ME and treats his current girl like a princess. Sometimes even if a man is seriously into a girl, he MAY still may suck at buying gifts and being nice to his girl.
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