lanamarie Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I've known this guy for a little over a year. We dated for about 4 weeks last year, and never got past kissing which I was fine with (total of 4 dates). We are both 26. At that time, he was going through some things and ended up telling me that he had feelings for me, but was not ready for a serious relationship, which was what I wanted. We stopped dating. We remained strictly friends but rarely saw one another. Finally, about a month ago he asked to speak to me. He explained things that were going on last time, and that he still had feelings for me, was hoping I'd give it another shot, and that he was in a different place now and ready for something serious. I greed to give it another shot. So far, we've been on 5 more dates. He's been extremely consistent with contact, setting up dates, expressing his interest, etc. I still have a lingering fear in the back of my head that he's going to back out, so I'm hesitant to completely let go and become attached. I'm also scared to let things progress too much physically even though he hasn't really given me any "red flags" that he's only trying to get into my pants. I really haven't dated much and I know there is no single answer, but I want to know how people generally pace things physically. Sex is out of the question for me, as I wouldn't allow it until it's been a few months and there is definite commitment. So far there has been more making out and some over the clothes touching. I know that might seem extremely slow, but I'm actually scared we're moving too fast. We only see one another 1x a week, once saw each other 2x in a week, but we text daily. Am I being crazy? How can I slow things down without making him think I'm not interested in him? I really, really like him I'm just uncomfortable progressing given his past flakiness.
Grumpybutfun Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Talk to him about this because he needs to know what is going through your mind. Fear of abandonment is never a good way to start off a relationship and believing he will flake will dam the natural progression of your relationship, not just physically but, emotionally, and mentally. This is a deeper issue than just wondering about slowing down sex. Good luck, Grumps
David87 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I think that you already take things slow, don't think that you can slow them down more than they already are because you already said that sex is out of the question for now and you only see each other a couple of times a week. Talk to him....(about the trust issues) and if he only wants to get in to your pants he will bail fast, but if he waits for you 2 or 3 months to have sex then he's a keeper.
RedRobin Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 What made you want to seem him again? If I dated someone for a month, then they came out with something like this, I'd be skeptical too. What were his reasons for backing out before? Does it add up now? Or do you feel he was just feeding you a line while he attempted to date other people or sleep around? I ask, because the latter would be inconsistent with my values and that would point to a deeper incompatibility... not just a timing issue. As far as slowing things down physically, just make sure you don't end up in places or situations where things can get out of hand. Don't go to his house... don't let him in yours. Agree to meet in public places, etc... but I'm not sure why anyone would need to tell you this. You say that sex is out of the question for some time... so you seem to have no problems finding ways to put the breaks on in the past... what is different about this situation that you can't do the same?
Author lanamarie Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 What made you want to seem him again? If I dated someone for a month, then they came out with something like this, I'd be skeptical too. What were his reasons for backing out before? Does it add up now? Or do you feel he was just feeding you a line while he attempted to date other people or sleep around? I ask, because the latter would be inconsistent with my values and that would point to a deeper incompatibility... not just a timing issue. As far as slowing things down physically, just make sure you don't end up in places or situations where things can get out of hand. Don't go to his house... don't let him in yours. Agree to meet in public places, etc... but I'm not sure why anyone would need to tell you this. You say that sex is out of the question for some time... so you seem to have no problems finding ways to put the breaks on in the past... what is different about this situation that you can't do the same? I lean towards believing him because at the time, we had both just started grad school and life was very hectic. He was also having financial issues, and has never been in a serious relationship. He explained it to me in a bit of detail and it came across as genuine as far as I could tell. Still, I can't be positive. The reason I haven't had an issue in the past is because I've only been in one other relationship. My ex was very, very slow to move things along physically so there was no need for me to slow things down. This guy is different. While he has been respectful and certainly hasn't given me the impression that he's rushing to get into my pants, he's also much more forward and assertive than my ex was. I don't invite him to my place and I don't go to his...but things happen still. . I guess I just need to bring it up with him and be clear that I'm definitely interested, but that I also feel unsure.
RedRobin Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I lean towards believing him because at the time, we had both just started grad school and life was very hectic. He was also having financial issues, and has never been in a serious relationship. He explained it to me in a bit of detail and it came across as genuine as far as I could tell. Still, I can't be positive. The reason I haven't had an issue in the past is because I've only been in one other relationship. My ex was very, very slow to move things along physically so there was no need for me to slow things down. This guy is different. While he has been respectful and certainly hasn't given me the impression that he's rushing to get into my pants, he's also much more forward and assertive than my ex was. I don't invite him to my place and I don't go to his...but things happen still. . I guess I just need to bring it up with him and be clear that I'm definitely interested, but that I also feel unsure. He's never been in a serious relationship... so what does that mean? He's not dated a lot or he's slept around a lot? There is a difference to me. Especially since it has some bearing on his reasons for not continuing to see you before. If he's pushy, and you aren't sure of the details, I can see why you'd be unsure. I'd definitely bring it up to him. Mostly so that he has a chance to respond to your legitimate concerns. If he doesn't... and keeps plowing forward regardless, then you know your concerns were valid.
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