Guys, break it down for me PLEASE.

[babybear]

I'm trying to think like a guy...but I'm probably OVERTHINKING, so I figured I'd just go ahead and ask.

 

I'm in a relationship...been close to 3 yrs now. He's usually a pretty cool guy, but over the past few months we're either blissfully happy, or ANGRY FUMING MAD at each other. I'm taking some classes and applying to grad school, he's working at a new job, so the common denominator is that we're both really busy and really stressed.

 

I dont know if maybe I just had more patience before, or was more eager to please, but he really just gets under my skin more often than not. I have to ask him a question a good 3 or 4 times before he'll hear it, he doesn't see what's wrong with playing around with one of his tech toys if we go out for dinner (while I sit in silence and eat), he can go on and on and on about something he's into (snowboarding, cars, photography, etc.) but tunes out if its something dearer to me. He hates to shop with me, yet will drag me to every guy store he needs to go to. He'll fall asleep in the middle of a movie if he's decided its a "chick flick", but will keep asking me if i'm awake to make certain i watch his action movies with him. He'll go as far as to sleep even in a movie theater!!! If I ask him some advice, he'll say "baby - you're so smart, don't worry." If I ask him how I look in an outfit before we go out - "baby - you look great." That's all I ever get. He doesnt think about these responses....he just says them automatically! Don't even get me started on the sex part.....

 

Now, I am more than willing to take my share of the blame...if I knew that I was doing something wrong. Is he just an inconsiderate person and I never saw it? Is he just stressed, and I should let him be for awhile? Am I inadvertently being nagging/needy and not noticing it?

 

Guys, why would you start being so inattentive to your gf? Is that what happens after 3 yrs? I mean, we have travel plans for the summer already so I know we arent planning a break-up...or at least he's not. I don't know about me though.

 

Babybear

[Stylin22]

Do you feel taken for granted....And ARE you stressed with the other aspects of your life?

[babybear]

Originally posted by Stylin22

Do you feel taken for granted....And ARE you stressed with the other aspects of your life?

 

I totally 100% feel taken for granted. He comes home to me after anything bad or stressful happens, and without fail I am there to work out his problem, or help him out, or do whatever I can to make it better. He has to get up really early (5 AM) for work, and I know he hates it, so I'll leave him notes in the bathroom to wake up to, or I'll wake up too and chat with him for a bit before he leaves. I'm JUST SO GOOD TO HIM!!!!!

 

And yes, this is probably one of the most stressful periods in my life in a long time with work, school, grad school, etc.

 

But he needs to shape up.

 

 

Babybear

[Stylin22]

i gotta ask....the sex part?

[Stylin22]

I'm thinking stress without communicating is happening here. If he needs to shape up, are you telling him how. And, make sure that you are also listening to his advice as well. Also, become a bit more of the challenge. Pull back a bit so you don't start resenting him for all that you do, caringly, for him. I fell into a mode like that once and I almost lost the girl. Sex is really related to intimacy and intimacy is created by opening up to someone. Better sex is built by better communication...

[babybear]

Originally posted by Stylin22

i gotta ask....the sex part?

 

 

The sex, okay, LET ME TELL U!

 

Well, we only had sex once this month. I enjoy it, but once he's "done" we're done. He'll just zone out adn then pass out. I didnt see why I was getting all worked up for that, so I just stopped wanting to do it at all. I mean, be a man and satisfy your GF!!!

[NiCoLe20]

well u guys have been together for 3 yrs so maybe ur tired of the same ol' routine.. i dont know if you guys see each other everyday but that might be the problem. if your away from him even for a couple days he will miss not having you around and when u get back things will be re-freshed so to speak. visit a friend out of town or just make up an excuse if you can... or just talk to him! tell him he isnt making you feel good about urself and u would like him to be more attentive to your needs, b/c girls need this!!!!! see what happens

[babybear]

We had a huge fight last night.

[NiCoLe20]

what happend

[babybear]

Originally posted by NiCoLe20

well u guys have been together for 3 yrs so maybe ur tired of the same ol' routine.. i dont know if you guys see each other everyday but that might be the problem. if your away from him even for a couple days he will miss not having you around and when u get back things will be re-freshed so to speak. visit a friend out of town or just make up an excuse if you can... or just talk to him! tell him he isnt making you feel good about urself and u would like him to be more attentive to your needs, b/c girls need this!!!!! see what happens

 

Yea, I see him every day. Not by choice really....I mean, his work is literally 10 mins from my apartment, and he lives an hour away. And since he has to be at work at 530 am, he sleeps at my place. I could tell him to go home, but I understand why he wants to stay with me.

 

I just dont want him to kill 2 birds with one stone by being at my house. If you're there to sleep, thats fine. But just sleepign beside me isnt hanging out.

 

I feel like such a nag! I'm almost a med-student for goodness sake, but I think every girl woudl react like this.

 

Bb

[emopunk]

Never, never, ever stop "dating" your SO. I can't tell you how many have come to me saying "the spark" is gone... routine is relationship killer for most. Some grow from it, but most suffer. As you said, the little things; notes on the mirror, a quick phone call just to say "hi" or "I love you", a surprise romantic dinner... heck even mailing a card to your live-in SO can go a long way. Never stop "dating."

 

And make him aware of this fact... he'll get it if he really loves you as much as he says.

 

Good luck!

[babybear]

Originally posted by NiCoLe20

what happend

 

To make a long story short, he came over last nite and was acting like how he acts. He told me he'd rather read his book than hang out with me. Yup. he actually said that! Then he said a lot of other mean things, and I broke up with him and left to take a walk. I told him we were basically just friends...cause what we had wasnt a gf/bf relationship!

 

So, I come back, and hes leaving. I thought he was mad, turns out there was drama at his work. He slips back into bed and says we should talk (after he got back), adn how he's sorry, he didnt mean what he said, it came out in anger. He said he thought about what I said, and maybe we're together too much.

 

I told him I was really hurt by some of the thigns he said to me, adn I needed to think a little. He couldnt have me back there and then. So we slept, and he was lplastered onto my side all nite, and then he left at 5.

 

Of course, I want to be with him still if he acknowledges that we both need to put in effort.

 

Bb

[emopunk]

So he cuddled with you all night? That's a good thing...

 

Hope it works out. Just keep after to him pay attention to what the does, says, and the effort he's laying into this.

[babybear]

Originally posted by emopunk

So he cuddled with you all night? That's a good thing...

 

Hope it works out. Just keep after to him pay attention to what the does, says, and the effort he's laying into this.

 

Yea we cuddled, just like we used to...and I didnt realize that we had even started to sleep on different sides of the bed. Sometimes I would go as far as to just fall asleep on the couch and not bother to get up and go into the bedroom.

 

What's the fine line between nagging and keeping after him? With guys I know that 'nag' becomes their favorite adjective.

[Stylin22]

Look here's the line. You sit him down and you have an open, honest discussion about your needs. We are all human and all have basic needs in life. There is a huge difference in being needy and having needs, and trust me, you ain't needy. Explain your needs to him and how they can be met better. Don't imply that he is not meeting them, that's a blow to the ego and he'll hear I'm not good enough. Be open and honest. With guys (I tell any girls I'm involved with this too) you have to treat them like they have the mindset of a 5 year old sometimes. Nothing bad but our thinking functions differently than ladies. We need gentle direction and guidance.

 

Make eye contact and say, "I really need you to do this for me...." Then, if he changes and does it, say "gosh, that makes me feel so warm, or safe, or secure." Guys are what we in the field call "ablers". Their most joy comes from being able to do stuff and then being praised for it (odd, but kinda like dogs ;-). Show me the challenge and let me go...But don't have the conversation more than 2-3 times. That's when the nag comes in. Don't give the guilty looks or anything like that. He'll feel the guilt side to things and if he stuffs it, resentment will brew. Say it and give the space for him to do it on his own. And if he doesn't do it on his own, then I think you have your answer about this relationship.

 

I wouldn't put this work stuff to the side either. If he is anything like me, when overwhelmed or stressed, we go into a mode. I do something, like reading a book, that gets me thinking and I can just zone out to. Take a break from the present. And in his defense, where girls are more of "venters" sometimes he can't allow that to interfere. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's just that it's too much at once type thing.

 

The sex thing is actually an opportunity for you...Don't tell him he is bad or anything but let him know how it can be better. This is your opportunity to break the routine sex and get something more enjoyable. Man, does this guy sound like me...but I do the same thing, it's like KAPUT and I'm done, asleep. So, what I do is have a goal of getting the girl off first or time it at the same time. Takes ALOT of discipline but it leads to great sex and some really good intimacy. Make him part of the solution, not a part of the problem, ask how you can change it for the better. Be a team, cause in any relationship, you become a team, us against the world type thing.

 

And for god's sake....take 2 nights a week to yourself. If it's a great relationship, it'll stand the time. You'll have nothing but forever with him so have some fun with you too.

 

Have a date night where he can focus on just you. Make him sign a date contract or something where there is nothing other in his life but you. 3 years? You deserve that so it's okay to ask. You are feeling neglected and need some love...go get some...

[babybear]

Stylin, do you want to be my new best friend???

 

I'm so blown away that a man can sit down and be so thought out. If my bf were to answer that post he'd have said: "wow, that sucks."

 

Anyway, thx for the advice. I think I wait til I reach a breaking point, and then all reasoning goes out the window...and I have to start yelling or picking a fight in order to express it. Perhaps dealing with it when it happens would help some.

 

About the sex part - should I have to ask??? I'm annoyed that he thinks it's okay to leave me unsatisfied! How would he feel if I left HIM like that, night after night. I think it's awfully selfish - and I'm pretty angry about it. What part of treating your gf like that is okay?

 

Another issue - and it is oh so hard to ever give the full story in a post - is that I am leaving for med school at the end of August. I fell in love with him before I even wanted to be a doctor, but now I will be going away. I think he deeply resents me for leaving, and he feels as if he is just my play toy until I get on that plane and leave. It is absolutely absurd, and if you knew me, you would know that that is something I could never do to a person I love so much. But he seems to think so.

 

What about a long distance relationship, you ask? Well, I initially told him that I didnt want one, because he had cheated on me once, and at the time we were newly back together, and the idea of a LDR made me HIGHLY uncomfortable. I love him like crazy - but I am not sure how I will feel when we're thousands of miles apart, and admittedly, I do still get anxious about the cheating. I don't know if I want to deal with that in med school - especially if I could hardly get him to have a decent phone conversation!

 

I guess he's thinking, whats even the point with this girl. SHe just wants to leave me anyway.

 

Confused,

Babybear

[Truth Hammer]

With guys (I tell any girls I'm involved with this too) you have to treat them like they have the mindset of a 5 year old sometimes.

 

You have to treat girls like they're 5 year-olds sometimes, too.

 

and I have to start yelling or picking a fight in order to express it.

 

See, that's one part where you're dead wrong. Stop picking fights. Who do you think that helps?

 

What about a long distance relationship, you ask? Well, I initially told him that I didnt want one, because he had cheated on me once, and at the time we were newly back together, and the idea of a LDR made me HIGHLY uncomfortable. I love him like crazy - but I am not sure how I will feel when we're thousands of miles apart, and admittedly, I do still get anxious about the cheating. I don't know if I want to deal with that in med school - especially if I could hardly get him to have a decent phone conversation!

 

Why did he cheat? It takes something for a guy to just up and cheat. It must have been something you did or didn't do that made him even look in her direction.

[babybear]

Originally posted by Truth Hammer

 

Why did he cheat? It takes something for a guy to just up and cheat. It must have been something you did or didn't do that made him even look in her direction.

 

People come here to solve their problems ... not make new ones. Just think about it. Sometimes ppl (cheaters) do things cause they're immature or just plain stupid, and it's their own fault and nobody else's.

 

Babybear

[Truth Hammer]

So you have no clue why he cheated?

 

Why in the world would he get up one day and say to himself "Well, as much as I love (your name here), I want to cheat on her." Nothing in the world happens without reason. Was there ANY catalyst for this cheating happening?

[babybear]

Originally posted by Truth Hammer

So you have no clue in hell why he cheated?

 

Why in the world would he get up one day and say to himself "Well, as much as I love (your name here), I want to cheat on her." Nothing in the world happens without reason. Was there ANY catalyst for this cheating happening?

 

 

Obviously there were catalysts, I'm not saying he didnt do it for reasons. I'm saying it's unfair to say that a guy cheats b/c his gf is lacking, and b/c of something she did/didn't do.

 

I think some guys have something to prove...they think they can get away with it, they are curious, they figure she'll never find out, so what the hell, and so on. Some guys cheat to see if they still have it, some get scared of a long term relationship, some cheat b/c they are just plain immoral and disrespectful ppl., and some think - it's just sex, so what the hell. Cheating happens because something isn't there - namely honesty, trust, respect, love etc. So I'm cool with that being said - just NOT when ppl say that it's cause of the gf. That's crap to me. If a guy is SO unhappy with his gf, then break up with her, and go screw around. A gf's/bf's poor behavior doesnt condone cheating.

 

Babybear

 

I'm not trying to be pissy - I just strongly disagree with a lot of your opinions is all.

[Truth Hammer]

I'm saying that for him to do that to you, it was something he wasn't getting from you that caused what happened. That's what I'm thinking it was.

 

If the same situation happened to me, I wouldn't have taken him back. It's too much trouble regaining trust and all that.

[Stylin22]

I'm a guy and do know of many guys who are out to date several women. Whether in a relationship or not.

 

You can't blame a guys bad decision on his gf. Each person makes his own decision in their life. It aint' her fault. Maybe he was unhappy and didn't say anything to her. Does that still make it her fault?

 

She didn't even know. The black and white of it is that HE MADE A BAD DECISION AND HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR IT.

 

Ask her why she took him back after the decision. That's a bad decision in my opinion. She's been cornered with it right now, or else she wouldn't be posting.

 

Bear, you need to make decisions but I can tell you the one concerning trust with him has to be the most important one.

[babybear]

Originally posted by Stylin22

Bear, you need to make decisions but I can tell you the one concerning trust with him has to be the most important one.

 

It's funny, I plan to go into mental health in med school. I hope they don't require ME to have it together before I can help others!

 

Anyway, these posts and these responses have made me think ALOT about what is wrong with us. I've been with him for a couple yrs now, the cheating happened really early on...and the decision to take him back is one I made when I was 21....not one I would make now at 25. I was younger, I was more inexperienced, and I thought, heck...it happened, it's in the past, we'll move forward. I don't think I realized the full magnitude of what he did.

 

I think deep down this is a lot of baggage! I didn't know that little things could still trigger my anger - like watching a movie where a man is cheating on his wife. I don't believe he'll repeat this mistake - I wholeheartedly have faith in him, and trust in him, but what I don't have to offer is a complete forgiveness. It's kind of a "how dare you" thing.

 

So now I am left wondering if I can be in a forever and ever relationship knowing that at one time my bf treated me quite poorly. Some ppl take back the cheating person and live happily ever after. I don't know how they get over what that person did TO THEM.

 

Going away - to me - is a way to clear my head and really evaluate where we stand. Can I live without him? Is he my perfect match? I'm just unsure about some things - or wondering how other ppl have dealt with similar situations.

 

Babybear

[Podna]

I have not posted here before but I was reading your posts babybear and thought I would chime in on the topic of cheating.

 

There are many reasons why guys cheat and most are very different from women. But what is important to understand is that men look at sex very differently than women. First of all, most men have an inherent ability to separate love and sex into two completely independent feelings whereas most women view sex as an expression of love. That having been said, just because men see sex differently does not in any way excuse his actions.

 

I am going to offer you a unique prospective into the mind of a cheater. I have cheated, on more than one occasion, with my girlfriends in the past. I know that coming forward with this info will not make me popular with most of the posters on this forum, but I feel that you should understand something.

 

Cheaters do what they do because they are weak in one way or another. The personal reasons for their infidelities are truly irrelevant in the big picture. Just the fact that they cheated alone does not mean that they do not love you. I loved both of the girlfriends that I betrayed VERY much. But, on some level, I wanted to explore possibilities with other women because I was unable to make the commitment to be faithful to them. That is all that truly matters when you step out of the relationship and look at the situation. It’s all about sacrifice. I was unwilling to sacrifice for the women I loved, and indulged when I should have abstained. From what I know of men and cheaters, this is a common thread; among most male cheaters it is the unwillingness to sacrifice for their loved ones. And most continue with this behavioral pattern until something drastic happens to change their behavior.

 

Before you move off and try to maintain a long-distance relationship you should be sure that whatever changed in him was strong enough where he is willing to REALLY sacrifice for you, because if he is not willing to give up everything for you, he will continue with his behavioral pattern of betrayal in the future.

[babybear]

Originally posted by Podna

 

I am going to offer you a unique prospective into the mind of a cheater. I have cheated on more than one occasion with my girlfriends in the past. I know that coming forward with this info will not make me popular with most of the posters on this forum but I feel that you should understand something.

 

Podna: Thanks so much for being upfront and for the honesty. What you said really sticks in my head, because he has told me variations of the same thing. Basically the entire sacrifice speech you just mentioned.

 

My issue isn't so much with trust, but with forgiveness. I can confidently say he won't cheat again. But getting over his blatant disregard for me is something else altogether. Most days I am fine, but some days I can't believe I was at home when he was out doing what he was doing. And then I have my, how dare you think you deserve me, days.

 

How can I not always think in my head that I could do better or that I deserve more, even if he knows in his heart he is not that person anymore?

 

Babybear