mike_drangst Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 So I (22 year old male) met this really shy girl (21 year old female) about 5 months ago. For the first few months we talked and flirted a bit, almost always 1-on-1 (it was hard to get her to engage in conversation) and studied together for the classes we had in common, and I started to really like her. She was kind, sweet, beautiful, awkward/clumsy in a cute way, and could hold some very interesting conversations about random topics, and she slowly started to trust me and confide about some deep personal things. She never hinted that she was involved with someone else, but she mention once or twice that she has a guy “friend” who she talks to quite often, but I did not hear much at all about him at this point. About two and a half months ago, things suddenly changed, and she started hanging out with me a lot more 1-on-1 and our conversations became much more frequent and much lengthier. She started opening up and telling me a lot of stuff about her: about her past, her family, her dreams, things she really enjoys, and some much more personal and serious issues (many of them involving her family and what she went through with them during her childhood), and I started telling her a lot about myself as well. We could also just talk about any random topic with each, and hold very interesting conversation. Some of our talks could last for 10 hours, as we sat across from each other and looked into each other’s eyes, and both of us would feel like no time has passed. We had so much in common, and I could sense a lot of chemistry with her, and I started liking her more and more. I became one of the only people in her life that she talked to, and I think it became obvious that I really liked her. At one point she also told me about some really weird/gross/douchebag things an “ex-friend” (notice she didn’t even say ex-boyfriend) did. Eventually she told me that she this “ex-friend” used to be kind of her long-distance boyfriend – and the only guy she ever really had any type of relationship with – that she was emotionally involved with, and that he put her in some very dark places in the 1.5 years she was with him, as he would constantly cheat on her, break up with her, try to pressure her into doing things she didn’t want to, and just emotionally abused her. He apparently didn’t even consider that he was in a relationship with her because they never had sex. Anyways he apparently almost stopped talking to her completely 5 months ago, and about 3 months ago he told her that he can never be with her because she doesn’t know what she wants, and that he will never contact her again. She only told me this once and never really brought up the topic again, even though she would sometimes make references to what “ex-friend” did. As an important side note, she rarely talked about her feelings for other people or the true feelings inside of her; her feelings were very guarded, and she said that her feelings are her most private and valuable thing, and that she can tell them to anyone, and that this causes her pain and she probably needs to see a therapist. Anyways, this continued for two months, and I fell for her more and more, and I finally decided that I need to know if she likes me, and to tell her how I feel about. So I told her my feelings for her a week ago in person, as we were sitting across from each other in my room, adding in that she probably already knows that I like her, and asked how she felt about me. She looked a little flustered and her voice stuttered as she said “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” This took me off guard, and I asked when a good time would be, and she meekly said that her “ex-friend”, who put her through so much s**t and caused her so much pain, contacted her a few days ago, and that things were kind-of back to how they used to be. She also said she didn’t know I liked her; she said that one of her friends said that it was obvious I like her, and that at first she could also see that, but that other the past little while she thought that I just liked her as a friend. At this point I told her that that didn’t answer my question, and I asked her again what she felt about me, to which she again started stuttering and again said she can’t tell me her true feelings. I told that it’s okay if she only likes me as a friend, but I want to know so I can get some closure and know how proceed from here. At this point she could have just told me a white lie, and said “yes, that’s how I feel about you,” if she didn’t want to share her true feelings, just to give me closure. But she said as much as she could see I wanted some kind of answer, she can’t disclose her feelings because they are too personal. She also said that she wasn’t really looking for a relationship at school, maybe after she graduates, because she can barely handle school as it is with all her emotional problems, especially after the previous relationship with this guy put her in such dark places during her first year of university that she couldn’t handle it, and that the only reason that she was kind-of seeing this guy again was because she has invested so much time into him already and they have a history together (this did not make ANY sense to me). She also said that even this isn’t a real relationship nor real love, and that she can’t even really talk about her feelings with this guy. At this point she said “Sorry” and “bye” and left my room. I sent her a text right after expressing my deep sadness that I will probably never know what she feels about me, and that I cannot fathom why she would tell some of the things she has over the past few months if she didn’t have any feelings for me. What do I do now? She didn’t give me any closure and I do not know how to proceed. My thinking right now is to end this relationship with that text message and never contact her again.
deathandtaxes Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 This chick sounds like damaged goods. She seems so hung up on this guy that she's not in a good place to date anybody. She told you she doesn't want a relationship. You can't fix this lady. Don't waste the time or energy.
OhThatGirl Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 You sir have been friend-zoned. The fact she's talking to this "ex-friend" again says it all. She knew you were interested in her. She enjoyed a friendly relationship of emotional support. She can't give you what you're after. Stop pressuring her about what she feels for you. Even if you want a girl to be entirely honest, she will rarely ever be able to tell you she only thinks of you as a friend. The reasons for this being numerous but mostly because she wants you to keep doing what you've been doing, being the reliable good guy, while she makes a few more bad decisions. After all, she's got you to fall back on/come crying to. This isn't going to turn out well for you. Learn a lesson here: timing is everything. If she grabs you as a boyfriend and THEN opens up, you're good. Opening up before there is a romantic relationship confirmed? You're a friend. Know how I know this? Girls don't spill all their baggage to guys they want to date. We do that when we are trying to get someone to back off or just be there for emotional support. I'm sorry. But this is a valuable lesson and should shape the way you approach women in the future. Not a total loss! If you are able to be strictly platonic friends (you're not by the way) keep on this path. I can already tell you she is going to get involved with the ******* again and you will hear every detail of every time he does something wrong. Eventually you will get so fed up knowing "she could have been with you" and "how well you would have treated her" that you walk away. Save yourself the trouble and do it now.
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