Albert555 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I have been dating my girlfriend since September, so going on just about 6 months now. I'm 30 and she is 29. She is really sweet, genuine, extremely supportive of me being in graduate school, and has a great family and is very giving. I'm looking for something long-term and she basically has all the qualities that you would want in a wife. But I'm not in love with her. I don't know why, really, but I am not. And shouldn't I be by now? We have a good time together, and have lots of the same interests. She is not the prettiest girl I've dated, but her personality is way better than those girls. And since my last girlfriend I've really tried to put personality above looks, because going for the other thing hasn't worked out for me. Before, I've always known by this point whether I am in love with someone or not, and I really do like her. But it hasn't turned into love yet, and I dont know if it will. I know it will really hurt her to break up with her, so I only want to do it if I really think nothing will develop.
deathandtaxes Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I know how you feel, OP. I had an experience like this a year ago. I dated this sweet lady. We got along, did things together, enjoyed talking, etc. But I just wasn't feeling what she was feeling towards me. And I ended things. A few months ago I thought I would give her another chance, so I initiated contact. And we've been seeing each other the past two months now. And I still don't feel as strongly for her as she does for me. I don't know if I will ever love this woman. So I definitely know how you feel. I'm certain we'd both be better off if I ended things. And you probably would be, too.
OhThatGirl Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 If I were her, I would (when I eventually got over the breakup) prefer your honesty. She's 29, maybe at the age where she is looking to settle down and have kids. After 6 months you're still not feeling like she's the person to do this with and so it's likely just going to waste her time and yours if you continue. You gave it a good shot. If you end things respectfully she will thank you when she's able to meet someone who feels the same for her that she feels for them.
Leigh 87 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 There are two types of love, to put it very simply. The type where you fall hard and fast, and you are madly in love within 3 months. I have fell in love within mere weeks with that kind of love ^^^^ Then there is the "slow burn" style, where you are not all that into the person in a deep, passionate and romantic sense, but you absolutely love being around them, you love their personality and they are extremely compatible long term with you; you feel comfortable. The slow burn style can take up to a year for you to fall " in love". In my opinion, form my observations of love online and from those I have spoken to in real life (and I have been on this website since 2010), the slow burn love is NOT falling " in love". For the slow burn, you never tend to fall " in love" but rather, you grow to deeply love the person for their compatibility and for the fact they are a wonderful person and you deeply respect them. For some, they prefer the slow burn style because they figure that he butterflies and the " madly in love" feelings where you just have the person on your mind constantly, faded anyway. The saying goes something similar to "passion and chemistry and spark fade as fast as they come, but the ones you fall slowly for and are not all that into from the get go tend to last a lifetime" The thing is... There are men and women who have been crazy for their partners from date one; where the passion never dies for good, but rather lies dormant for periods before the couple both work together to ignite it again. If the chemistry and initial passion is there from the start, it can be re ignited. If it was never there to begin with, it can still be created, but it is up to you whether you want the instant and natural chemistry OR if you want to work harder to create it, but with a person who is WAY more compatible than any other you have met. Personally, I don't like forcing myself to date people who may be "good" for me, yet who I just don't feel excited about kissing on the first date. I prefer the sort of chemistry and love where both people feel deeply romantic and very smitten with one another from date one. There is a poster on this website who married a guy in a similar situation to you, who is in her 40's and has a lot of experience in dating and has been married previously. She is intelligent in ways that other guys could not match; she ended up finding a guy who was the ideal match for her and who she loved being around more than anyone else she had ever met. The chemistry was lacking somewhat and their first sexual encounter was less than spectacular. However, over time they both CREATED the chemistry because they felt hey were too perfect for one another to just.. give up on things due to lack of natural chemistry (since it CAN be created!) Personally, I just prefer the chemistry and passion to be there without having to work to create something that just "happens" between two people naturally. A word on beauty It is worrying to me how you describe her as " not the prettiest girl he has had". My boyfriend, and this is the sort of remark and view that I need from a guy, says " you are the most gorgeous woman in the world to me, I thought you were so gorgeous from day one" Now, as you can see, I am NOT some beautiful model look alike who guys drool over! I am SURE he has been with equally attractive women as myself. The thing with my boyfriend is, to HIM I am literally the most beautiful person he has ever seen, because the way he FEELS about me makes me that way. His objective opinion is still logical (duh, he knows there are beautiful super models that are much more pleasant to look at than myself), but his OBJECTIVE opinion goes out the window, his mind doesn't see it but rather acknowledges it. I recommend you have a good think as to whether you want to have an effortless chemistry and heated passion towards a girl who you just cannot get off your mind but who is not as good of a person as your current girl, OR would you rather stick with a girl who you know is more ideal for you yet who you just ... don't feel crazy about. OR The last option is to wait a little longer, possible forever, and find both; a girl you are crazy about and who is also a wonderful person. My boyfriend seems "crazy" about me, and I am into social welfare which is my chosen field/career, I am most concerned about social issues and I consider myself a nice person who most enjoys giving back to the less fortunate. I also don't get drunk, party (much, once in a blue moon) and besides doing my college degree a tad later than most, I am everything HE wants in a long term partner. You can also find a girl who's personality you love AND who you are passionate about. It will take a little longer to find the whole package from the outset ^^^ and plenty of people CREATE chemistry with the ideal girl. I have heard of a few people simply not being able to get past the fact that inherently, they are simply not crazy about their girlfriend/fiancé/wife. Where as many people DO grow to love their partner deeply, whom, they didn't initially feel passionate about. I have read a lot about love and relationships and there are clearly distinct ways in which you can fall in love. You can grow to love this girl very much, but it is a matter of whether you want to have a slow burn style of a love, or can you not live without the infatuation and "feeling crazy about her" stage. You can grow that stage of being head over heels for her, but it takes time and effort and it may never feel the same as you did about your previous girls who you fell hard for. 3
Author Albert555 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 To the last response, I appreciate your well-thought words. However, I do not believe that a strong marriage or long-term relationship can exist forever if both people by working harder to manufacture chemistry and passion. To me, in that situation, in which the "love" comes so gradually, both people are settling. And somewhere down the line one of them will cheat. Granted, I have not been married, so I may not be looking at this right. But the way i see it as working, is after the initial honeymoon period, you should remain just as excited as you were to be with that person as you were from the beginning. In my current situation, that real sense of excitement has never been there and, unfortunately, it hasn't developed. I'm worried it never will. I really want it to, but I find myself being more interested in having conversations with other girls and attracted to other girls. That is now way to have a relationship, as ideal as my current girlfriend's personality would be for marriage.
AntiSocal Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Love doesn't exist bud. There is lust/infatuation. There is caring about someone to the point where you put their needs above your own("love") But love as it is seen in the movies and on tv is made up. Thats an idea created by man. Our hearts aren't meant to love, they're meant to pump blood lol. So ask yourself, in the long term could you put this girls needs above your own? Stay faithful to her? Do what it takes to make her happy and comfortable in the relationship? And can she do the same for you? If the answer to any of those questions is no then dump her. If the answer to all those questions is yes then its up to you whether or not you wanna keep her. But just know this; if you spend your whole life searching for the "love" you see in movies you will always be single. Movie "love" is just not reality. Most men are way too logical for that BS. The above being said i think you should dump her anyway. Fact you are even thinking about it kinda proves that you're not willing to put her needs above yours so at the end of the day won't work. 1
Recommended Posts