Gaeta Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Almost 2 years ago I met this man and we went on 3 dates. I liked him, he liked me but distance and timing had us drift away after those 3 dates. We kept each other in our contacts and once in a while we'd get some news from each other. 2 months ago my boyfriend of 6 months pulled a disappearing act on me. It was a difficult time. We had a very loving relationship, no issues, a very smooth sailing and to be abandoned like this with no words, no explanation, no good byes was a bit challenging. A couple of weeks ago I decided I needed a project to keep my mind off what had happened. I decided to finally update my bathroom. I was looking for a contractor when I remembered guy from 2 years ago works in renovations. I contacted him and asked if he was still taking smaller contracts on the side. One thing lead to another, he came to my place for an estimate and we rekindled that chemistry we felt 2 years ago. We went on 3 dates so far, we speak each day, we have a good time together. So, do these 3 dates 2 years ago count? Are we at 6 dates or at 3 dates? I am asking because my male friend is telling me I should address the exclusivity talk with him and I think it's WAY too early but his opinion differs because we have a previous dating history. Oh, and I completely forgot about my bathroom renovation lol that has taken a back seat pretty quickly.
MrMeh Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 This is adorable. Anyways, I would consider it at 3 dates. 2 years is quite a while. 6
Versacehottie Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 This is adorable. Anyways, I would consider it at 3 dates. 2 years is quite a while. and yes no "talk". Sorry, that is very bad advice from your friend. I feel like women, in general, are overly concerned with the talk and defining the relationship. Best scenario is that HE tries to pin you down. Until then see what he is offering and if YOU like it and it meets a base standard of what you like as normal progression. Especially, since essentially this guy "disappeared" on you before, wait and see what he offers up. Btw, my feeling is that you should be somewhat giving him the impression that he needs to prove himself and that you are not quite sure because of his previous disappearing act. Because, whatever the reason, he DID disappear on you before. Not as game-playing but because you really should have these concerns to protect yourself. Approaching the relationship from this point-of-view this time around, is much more compelling than any "talk" ever could be, as well as will vet out his real intentions. Good luck
OhThatGirl Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 After a couple years you start back at square one. Good thing too, because hopefully in that time the minor issues that kept things from progressing have resolved or become less important and this time it sticks. Best of luck! 2
Author Gaeta Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 and yes no "talk". Sorry, that is very bad advice from your friend. I feel like women, in general, are overly concerned with the talk and defining the relationship. Best scenario is that HE tries to pin you down. Until then see what he is offering and if YOU like it and it meets a base standard of what you like as normal progression. Especially, since essentially this guy "disappeared" on you before, wait and see what he offers up. Btw, my feeling is that you should be somewhat giving him the impression that he needs to prove himself and that you are not quite sure because of his previous disappearing act. Because, whatever the reason, he DID disappear on you before. Not as game-playing but because you really should have these concerns to protect yourself. Approaching the relationship from this point-of-view this time around, is much more compelling than any "talk" ever could be, as well as will vet out his real intentions. Good luck You misunderstood he did not disappear on me, I am getting over someone else disappearing on me that is how I got into renovating my bathroom who led me to contact him.
Author Gaeta Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Also, he doesn't want to charge me for any of the work in my bathroom. I said there is no way I won't compensate him fairly for his work but he insists he cannot ask *me* money. What do you think about that?
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I think this is sweet x Get the bathroom done tho then if it doesnt work out u got a free bathroom! lol x He sounds into u x 1
Chocolat Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Also, he doesn't want to charge me for any of the work in my bathroom. I said there is no way I won't compensate him fairly for his work but he insists he cannot ask *me* money. What do you think about that? Sounds pretty normal. You can either wait a bit until you are sure of the r/s and accept, or let him know that you will hire someone else if he won't let you pay him. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 You misunderstood he did not disappear on me, I am getting over someone else disappearing on me that is how I got into renovating my bathroom who led me to contact him. Yes I understood that it was most recent guy who totally disappeared. But also thought this contractor guy "drifted" away which is some version of disappear to me as well. Ok, even if that wasn't a "bad" drifting, I stand by my original advice--no talk, let him pin you down.
Author Gaeta Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Yes I understood that it was most recent guy who totally disappeared. But also thought this contractor guy "drifted" away which is some version of disappear to me as well. Ok, even if that wasn't a "bad" drifting, I stand by my original advice--no talk, let him pin you down. My last man was a gentleman in every way, said he was in love with me, he was actively involved in every facets of my life and 6 months in he still dropped off the face of the earth without a word. Because of this I have lost all my references. How long do you allow a man to prove himself?
Phantom888 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 By the way, did you confirm if your last man is alive? Maybe he died by accident and no one report it??? Anyway, 2 years ago don't count because the gap is too long to be continuous, even for on-and-off relationships. Exclusive talk is unnecessary if you see he is an honorable man. I gather you are not a young 20-year-old. Mature adults know when you are exclusive... by the attention, love and SEX! If after all that and he is still unclear about exclusivity, then he's not the right man for you. The key is to be on the same page. If you must be clear, then tell him that you want to be exclusive and if he agrees then you are home free. I hate that there are so many lame ass people out there in the dating world who believe without the exclusive talk they are free to sleep with anyone they want because it's not cheating if you are not exclusive. If you are acting like a couple and are having sex, you are implying exclusivity. If anyone denies this, they are just playing dumb.
Author Gaeta Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 By the way, did you confirm if your last man is alive? Maybe he died by accident and no one report it??? He wrote me an email after 2 months saying *I was an amazing woman that taught him how to love but it was unfair to have me wait for him*. That email came in too late to be of any help, actually after 2 months I would have prefered he let me attend to my wound in peace. You're right I am not a kid anymore, I am well advanced in my 40s. I have learn though to never *assume* anything, like a friend of mine likes to say If you Assume you make an Ass. of yourself. That is why I will have the exclusivity talk with him at some point.
Versacehottie Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 My last man was a gentleman in every way, said he was in love with me, he was actively involved in every facets of my life and 6 months in he still dropped off the face of the earth without a word. Because of this I have lost all my references. How long do you allow a man to prove himself? well everything is truly a risk at each stage along the way. Though I think 3 dates in is too soon. In my opinion, it is more of a stacking of certain actions and demonstrations of interest and moving toward exclusivity that are what allow each person to prove themselves. And still then there is a risk though you can be more sure. However, as your example proves there are still those that change their minds or were duping you all along. I would guess though that there were still some red flags that could have given you an indication. This is by no means putting the blame on you or saying that you should have jumped ship if you had noticed. Even in relationships that end up working out, people put up red flags, which I think are usually a sign that they are scared to move forward, get closer or incapable of doing so. Sometimes you just have to take the risk regardless because you are invested and want to see where it goes and as an individual will grow from it. So my advice is to look at his actions rather that a predetermined time factor. Some people move slow, some faster--and often there are many other life factors involved that make each relationship unique. The best advice i can give to answer is ENJOY where you are now with him fully & don't rush it. Also work on re-discovering what YOUR standards are and see if he meets them. If you start to see yourself more within the process rather than trying to get the end result (a relationship), you will be in best position once you do get a relationship with anyone. Good luck! 1
OhThatGirl Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Also, he doesn't want to charge me for any of the work in my bathroom. I said there is no way I won't compensate him fairly for his work but he insists he cannot ask *me* money. What do you think about that? Compensation doesn't always mean money. Surely there are some other things you can think of? Probably terrible advice. Don't listen to me.
Author Gaeta Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Compensation doesn't always mean money. Surely there are some other things you can think of? Probably terrible advice. Don't listen to me. LOL I hope that's not how it came across when I told him. English isn't my first language and it gets me in trouble sometimes
Recommended Posts