am obsessed with my Ex girlfriend

[vincent1970]

Hi, my story is somewhat sad, because am a 43 year old man, married with children.

Am in deep trouble now, because I can't take off my mind my ex girlfriend.

I have been married for 18 years, but since my children were born, my wife started to make up excuses, avoid having sex that much.

 

So I started to look for sex somewhere else, I met a few women trough the web, I dated and had ocasional sex over a period of 4 years, nothing really serious. But 10 months ago...everything changed, I met this brunette woman, 37 year old, divorced with 3 children. When I saw her first, I could not believe my eyes, she was extremely good looking, great body, nice face..wow, I really got impressed. My self steem has been low since I started to gain weigth before, (6 years ago) I have lost a few pounds now, I felt ok and started dating her. I lied to her from the beginning, I said to her I was divorced, and she bougth that line until two months later, when she started to ask me a bunch of questions.

 

She became suspicious, and she did not post me anything nice on facebook, I really was very sad.

But we continued to see each other, the sex was wonderful, and we started to make plans, but....everything changed when my wife was told about it by someone I don't know to this day.

I used to see this woman on the weekends, spending saturdays and sundays with her, she even gave me keys to her house, I was getting known around the neighbourhood already. I lived a double life, and that adrenaline rush...wow, I was just...don't know, living in another planet. Anyway, I started to live a hell of a life with my wife, she said to me she would take away my children and leave me.

 

That freaked me out, i was very paranoid. So I had to make a balance of this situation, it was my family or that woman. I chose my own family, and started to see less and less that woman. She wasn't happy about it, she also made threats, she said to me on many ocassions that she would come to my house and tell my wife everything, were I had been with her, because I would not play around with her... We broke up many times, I changed my phone many times, and she found out about it, text messeged me,and we came back together.

 

I didn't really enjoyed this relationship anymore, she said she was pregnant, and during one of our break ups, she had an abortion.. she asked me for money.. Well, I changed my phone again,and 3 weeks passed by. One sunday,march 2 20014 I woke up very depressed, sad, and crying, I missed her. I went out looking for her at her house, I could not find her. I went back home and returned that same day later on the evening and I found her at a mall near her house. I said to her that I wanted to talk, she said to me, wait for an hour and we'll talk, I gave her my cell phone number and waited .

 

My phone rung, it was her, and she said that she would not longer see me again, that she already took me out of her life, that she wanted another type of man. She pointed out that I was married and had problems, that she didn't want any of that, that she would not see me again, she was beter like this, living with her children. I said ok to everything, I knew it was over, I have accepted I made a big mistake, and that there's no point in seeing her anymore. My trouble now is, this obsession, I think about her 24 -7, I think about what I should've done, I have a lot of regret for losing her, I wish I could go back in time.

 

Days and weeks are going by, and I am OBSESSED with her, I think my phone is about to ring, a text messege to come, I'm intrigued with facebook, ( I blocked her) I think about where she is, who she migth be dating, what she thinks of me, if she misses me, if she might look for me again, what I would say if I see her one day...wow...what a mess, and it's happening here, rigth between my ears, in my mind.

But, am still obsessed, and you know what? I can't enjoy my life anymore, I can't enjoy my children, my wife. I can't watch tv, listen to music, sleep, because the thoughts are there, every second, there's an image, an episode of the good times, the kisses, the sex, the hugs, the poems...

 

Had I know this when I was about to meet her... I would've walked away, what an experience, in my 43 years of life, having had about 50 girlfriends before I got married, I am living a life...of obsession, and I don't know what to do anymore, please if you have an advice for me, I 'll appreciate it.

Excuse my grammar, english is my second language

Edited March 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Natasha94]

Well first of all, you have made a mistake obviously.. leading a double life is never the answer..

I know that your feelings are strong towards this woman, but I believe you owe some to your wife at first.. much more.

You owe her to be honest with her, truth is always better than living in a lie.. don't you think she at least deserves all the truth? If you're not happy, you will cheat on her again. Just stop this bloody process and admit to her that you can't be with her anymore! Honesty. Honesty.

And from there, you'll see where life takes you, you'll get to see clearer because you have given away the burden of all this double life and unhappiness.

[Mr.Pine]

Hi, my story is somewhat sad, because am a 43 year old man, married with children.

Am in deep trouble now, because I can't take off my mind my ex girlfriend.

I have been married for 18 years, but since my children were born, my wife started to make up excuses, avoid having sex that much.

So I started to look for sex somewhere else, I met a few women trough the web, I dated and had ocasional sex over a period of 4 years, nothing really serious.

But 10 months ago...everything changed, I met this brunette woman, 37 year old, divorced with 3 children. When I saw her first, I could not believe my eyes, she was extremely good looking, great body, nice face..wow, I really got impressed. My self steem has been low since I started to gain weigth before, (6 years ago) I have lost a few pounds now, I felt ok and started dating her.

I lied to her from the beginning, I said to her I was divorced, and she bougth that line until two months later, when she started to ask me a bunch of questions.

She became suspicious, and she did not post me anything nice on facebook, I really was very sad.

But we continued to see each other, the sex was wonderful, and we started to make plans, but....everything changed when my wife was told about it by someone I don't know to this day.

I used to see this woman on the weekends, spending saturdays and sundays with her, she even gave me keys to her house, I was getting known around the neighbourhood already.

I lived a double life, and that adrenaline rush...wow, I was just...don't know, living in another planet.

Anyway, I started to live a hell of a life with my wife, she said to me she would take away my children and leave me. That freaked me out, i was very paranoid.

So I had to make a balance of this situation, it was my family or that woman. I chose my own family, and started to see less and less that woman. She wasn't happy about it, she also made threats, she said to me on many ocassions that she would come to my house and tell my wife everything, were I had been with her, because I would not play around with her...

We broke up many times, I changed my phone many times, and she found out about it, text messeged me,and we came back together.

I didn't really enjoyed this relationship anymore, she said she was pregnant, and during one of our break ups, she had an abortion.. she asked me for money..

Well, I changed my phone again,and 3 weeks passed by. One sunday,march 2 20014 I woke up very depressed, sad, and crying, I missed her. I went out looking for her at her house, I could not find her.

I went back home and returned that same day later on the evening and I found her at a mall near her house. I said to her that I wanted to talk, she said to me, wait for an hour and we'll talk, I gave her my cell phone number and waited .

My phone rung, it was her, and she said that she would not longer see me again, that she already took me out of her life, that she wanted another type of man. She pointed out that I was married and had problems, that she didn't want any of that, that she would not see me again, she was beter like this, living with her chldren

I said ok to everything, I knew it was over, I have accepted I made a big mistake, and that there's no point in seeing her anymore.

My trouble now is, this obsession, I think about her 24 -7, I think about what I should've done, I have a lot of regret for losing her, I wish I could go back in time.

Days and weeks are going by, and I am OBSESSED with her, I think my phone is about to ring, a text messege to come, I'm intrigued with facebook, ( I blocked her) I think about where she is, who she migth be dating, what she thinks of me, if she misses me, if she might look for me again, what I would say if I see her one day...wow...what a mess, and it's happening here, rigth between my ears, in my mind.

But, am still obsessed, and you know what? I can't enjoy my life anymore, I can't enjoy my children, my wife. I can't watch tv, listen to music, sleep, because the thoughts are there, every second, there's an image, an episode of the good times, the kisses, the sex, the hugs, the poems...

Had I know this when I was about to meet her... I would've walked away, what an experience, in my 43 years of life, having had about 50 girlfriends before I got married, I am living a life...of obsession, and I don't know what to do anymore, please if you have an advice for me, I 'll appreciate it.

Excuse my grammar, english is my second language

 

Here's some advice. Look at the bolded words. You are SEXUALLY obsessed with this woman. Find another girl, and you'll be fine.

 

By the way, you might need some counseling. You are obsessed with sex as well, it seems.

 

I'm no professional. But I play one online.

[mangetout]

I have no sympathy for you

[pteromom]

I think you are addicted to drama. You aren't happy with the hum-drum routine of married and family life.

 

You want the thrill of the secrets. The thrill of the chase. The thrill of the hiding. The thrill of the roller coaster up and down relationship. The thrill of the lies.

 

I think you are wanting that more than you actually want this woman. You miss the RUSH.

 

You need to find out why that rush is so important to you. Do you feel in control of your life when you are lying to everyone you care about and manipulating them?

 

Why is it so difficult for you to have a monogamous, stable, "boring" relationship? Are you afraid of truly being vulnerable with someone?

 

I feel you need more help than we can give you here. You need some serious therapy to figure out why you are the way you are, so you quit hurting people.

[Mr.Pine]

I think you are addicted to drama. You aren't happy with the hum-drum routine of married and family life.

 

You want the thrill of the secrets. The thrill of the chase. The thrill of the hiding. The thrill of the roller coaster up and down relationship. The thrill of the lies.

 

I think you are wanting that more than you actually want this woman. You miss the RUSH.

 

You need to find out why that rush is so important to you. Do you feel in control of your life when you are lying to everyone you care about and manipulating them?

 

Why is it so difficult for you to have a monogamous, stable, "boring" relationship? Are you afraid of truly being vulnerable with someone?

 

I feel you need more help than we can give you here. You need some serious therapy to figure out why you are the way you are, so you quit hurting people.

 

My thoughts exactly...

[Arvin_Solheim]

I always like to say things that others don't:D

firstly cheers for having over 50 girlfriends, that puts you in a huge minority.

Since your wife is a bore I suggest you find yourself a new excitement, despite what most people here believe I don't think that people should stay faithful when the relationship sucks, if your wife doesn't want to have sex or have fun with you well.....don't get back together with the girlfriend, I know the feeling, you don't want to look for something new because that relationship was amazing and easy and comfortable and finding a new person is hard and takes time and resilience but it's better than being back to where you were before......and it certainly is better to experience something new.

[wanting more]

I always like to say things that others don't:D

firstly cheers for having over 50 girlfriends, that puts you in a huge minority.

Since your wife is a bore I suggest you find yourself a new excitement, despite what most people here believe I don't think that people should stay faithful when the relationship sucks, if your wife doesn't want to have sex or have fun with you well.....don't get back together with the girlfriend, I know the feeling, you don't want to look for something new because that relationship was amazing and easy and comfortable and finding a new person is hard and takes time and resilience but it's better than being back to where you were before......and it certainly is better to experience something new.

 

 

this is great advice, AFTER he gets a divorce,

 

OP, you do not need to be married.

[vincent1970]

Hi, I want to thank you all. I've been reading your replies since yesterday, and I find them very solid, helpful, thanks a lot, I know I am wrong, I know I am obsessed with sex.

I did not mention I had been an active alcoholic and drug (marihuana)addict since mi early 20's, I just stopped drinking and drugging 2 and a half years ago.

There's a lot of things I wish I could say, but at this point, I only know am obsessed, some days the feeling is weak like today, sometimes is so strong.

I hope a day comes, when I could sit down and watch tv, a movie in the company of my daugthers, feel peace, calmness.

 

vincent

[janedoe67]

This isn't hard.

 

You thought what you wanted was more important than your promise and your vows and your character, so you cheated over and over.

 

If you want to regain some character, stop cheating and come clean.

 

If not, set your poor wife free.

[pteromom]

Hi, I want to thank you all. I've been reading your replies since yesterday, and I find them very solid, helpful, thanks a lot, I know I am wrong, I know I am obsessed with sex.

I did not mention I had been an active alcoholic and drug (marihuana)addict since mi early 20's, I just stopped drinking and drugging 2 and a half years ago.

There's a lot of things I wish I could say, but at this point, I only know am obsessed, some days the feeling is weak like today, sometimes is so strong.

I hope a day comes, when I could sit down and watch tv, a movie in the company of my daugthers, feel peace, calmness.

 

vincent

 

Your obsession over the OW is simply another way to escape dealing with your true issues, just like drinking and drugs and cheating. I don't know what kind of pain you have in your past, but you are desperately trying to avoid something. The only way your life is going to get better is to stop avoiding and deal with it.

 

Again, you need the help of a professional.

[whichwayisup]

Hi, I want to thank you all. I've been reading your replies since yesterday, and I find them very solid, helpful, thanks a lot, I know I am wrong, I know I am obsessed with sex.

I did not mention I had been an active alcoholic and drug (marihuana)addict since mi early 20's, I just stopped drinking and drugging 2 and a half years ago.

There's a lot of things I wish I could say, but at this point, I only know am obsessed, some days the feeling is weak like today, sometimes is so strong.

I hope a day comes, when I could sit down and watch tv, a movie in the company of my daugthers, feel peace, calmness.

 

vincent

 

You're better than this. Be the man and father you're meant to be. You've been sober and fought through drug addiction and quit drinking, now you just need to fix yourself and learn how to be faithful and to ONE woman and one woman only. Sadly it won't be your wife because I think there's been too much hurt and pain for her to forgive you. And chances are, you being busted (annon call), your exOW made that original call to give your wife a heads up.

 

The exOW and you had a very unhealthy dynamic, I don't believe you were in love with her, you loved how she made you feel and got addicted to the highs/lows that your affair brought on. She is not a 'nice' person and she has her own issues which are messed up.

 

Get help, seek counseling so one day you can have that relationship with your daughters and be someone they can look up to and respect.

[sunburned]

I'm not going to comment on your exact sitch, as you already have some good advice here -- the best being to get individual counseling. And please give your wife the gift of an easy divorce. Give her what she wants.

 

 

I just want to add -- if I'm reading this correctly -- you have only been NC with your xOW for a couple of weeks. It is "normal" to obsess about an xAP for several months or more. NC is a very difficult process. There is no way around it, over it or under it. You can only go through it. Engage in other physical exercise to use up some of that nervous energy and to take your mind off your OW. You will start to feel less obsessed in another three months or so. Getting over her entirely may take a little longer. Everyone is different. But use that time wisely -- go to counseling because your problems seem to be pretty deeply rooted. Good luck.

[VeronicaRoss]

You have an addictive personality, obsession is a symptom. When you start acting out it means there is something going on internally you are not addressing, you probably have never learned proper self-soothing and self-care skills.

 

I'm not sure what culture you're from but in many countries there are groups you can go to for support as well in 12 step programs. Alcoholics Anonymous is the largest organization. There you can ask for a sponsor (or two) who will sit down with you and talk with you as a peer and help you focus on the issue or emotions that is REALLY driving the obsesion. Those people will not only understand you because they have probably experience, they're the only ones who can really call you on the behavior that gets you to act out. Most therapists can't do this, although they have a place.

 

In the process of your acting out you've abandoned your children by spending your free time steeped in your romantic fantasy. They desperately need your time, attention and love in their lives -- having fun, doing homework together, interacting. By abandoning them emotionally and physically spending your free time elsewhere, you are setting them up for a life of compulsive, addiction too. You can have many lovers, but they only get one father. You need to be there for them.

 

Good luck.