personality traits of OW

[evelyneve]

New poster, long time reader. Trying to make positive changes in my life and understand past choices. Are there any particular traits that seem to be common in OW? Anything that you would see in yourself that triggers certain behaviors? Not using this to 'excuse' anything, just curious.

[Patrice]

Vulnerable....usually at a vulnerable time in life, and your vision is cloudy.

They talk the talk of what is missing in your own life. With time, you regain your own balance and recognize the flawed nature of the whole thing - compromising of ethics etc ...and NOT wanting to hurt other people.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

IME, I'd say the predominant personality characteristics which impacted development of OM status were, firstly, coming as a young man from a trusting family which fostered openness, I tended to believe people and give them the benefit of the doubt, in general. I was, at that time, the polar opposite of cynical and/or skeptical. Secondly, my emotions were pretty transparent, as I had never really been taught how to 'hide' things. Hence, any potential MW, whether I knew they were a MW or not, could easily discern my 'interest'.

 

I came to reflect upon these issues far later in life, after hearing a few comments from MW's over the years, particularly about being 'naive'. Fair enough. Life was a good, if harsh, teacher.

[C00kie]

I'm not sure if one thing is related to the other, but I'm a perfectionist (lol, so I got involved with a MM - smart), I struggled with self esteem issues and suffered from anorexia and bulimia in the past. I can relate this to the need of acceptance and always feeling like I wasn't good enough - which probably allowed me to get breadcrumbs and hold on to them, feeling DESPERATE with the thought of losing him, relating being rejected to not being good enough (even if rationally I acknowledge that his behaviour is no reflection of who I am).

 

I had an absent father - never done me any harm, just wasn't there. Other than that, I have a great family and went to good schools, had good friends, everything that seems "normal" and balanced.

 

I ended with him 3 weeks ago though after a hard battle. Still fighting.

[Patrice]

Carhill... I have to say - you above anybody else helped lift the fog. xo

[Patrice]

I came from a very trusting family as well, I believe that people are inherently honest ... I won't lose that part of me, but I will be more careful in the future.

Naive and naive ... and possibly sheltered as a woman. Protective father to a protective and mentally ill husband. My life without all of the above has started me on a journey of finding ME - the true blessing.

[Lady2163]

Low self esteem - maybe doubts about physical appearance

Possibly an abusive or neglectful relationship in the past, maybe several

Commitment phobe

Overly independent

Loner

Doesn't think they can do any better or they deserve any better.

 

These do not apply to every OW (not all apply to me)

[ladydesigner]

When I was the MOW I was extremely vulnerable (I had just found out my WH had an A) and I was looking for someone to validate me.

[Patrice]

The weirdest part ... you are already vulnerable and have taken a hit, and you choose absolutely the wrong thing to fix that. Live and learn and grow .. and not looking back anymore. He tries to contact me still, after 3 years ... and I was with him twice ... he has chosen his life, I accept that and will move on with my own now.

[ladydesigner]

The weirdest part ... you are already vulnerable and have taken a hit, and you choose absolutely the wrong thing to fix that. Live and learn and grow .. and not looking back anymore. He tries to contact me still, after 3 years ... and I was with him twice ... he has chosen his life, I accept that and will move on with my own now.

 

Isn't this the worst part of it I think unfortunately that many of us use the MM/MW/AP to feel a void immediately because of the pain or how vulnerable we may be. It's a bad coping mechanism.

[Patrice]

Most likely .. in the end, if you are introspective - you will recognize that and deal with that. I remember being newly out a 27 year marriage and swayed by it .. unappreciated and tired of being that. I know now, and at some level I did then, as I was writing about it in a journal .. WHY do I keep being attracted to controlling men .. and he was, my father was.

[gettingstronger]

My impression of our OW was a sense of entitlement coupled with low self esteem-she married right out of college, had kids pretty quickly and then her husband lost his job-she became the breadwinner, he was not the "it" guy any longer and she started cheating on him with multiple men-again, my impression from what she said and how their life played out-but it seemed like she was far too invested in how her relationships made her look than anything else- she spoke endlessly about the nice dinners and hotels she shared with my husband while he was on business-

[cocorico]

Personality traits that led me to become OW:

 

I'm very goal-directed - I go after what I want and get it.

 

I am fiercely independent - being someone else's "other half" did not appeal.

 

I live a very full and rich life. I did not have time for a full-time R, by choice.

 

I am very intolerant of bull****. I wanted things my way, or not at all.

 

I reached an age where I could afford to be more selfish.

 

I am confident, in control, know what I want. And what I wanted was him.

 

I get my affirmation from what I do, not who I'm with. I did not need to be "Mrs XYZ" or "Dr XYZ's GF".

 

I am unconventional, willing to take risks, break rules and step outside of narrow confines of societal expectations.

 

I live for now, not some mythical future which may never happen.

 

I am passionate, full-on and driven. I need my lover to be an equal, not someone I feel sorry for.

 

I compartmentalise easily and comfortably.

 

I need to live authentically, not squeezed into a societal role that is not me.

[inappfriendly]

This is going to come across as hypocritical and ironic given the enormous amount of hurt caused by my A. I attribute a lot of the reason I got involved and stayed involved with MM to the fact that I care too quickly and too much. I've always said that I fall a little bit in love with everyone I meet. I love a backstory and the commonality of the human experience. As I got to know him, I was struck by how smart and funny and adorable and SAD he was. He reminded me of myself. As he shared his feelings about his home life, I recognized his need for attention and validation because they were similar to my own experience in my M. I wanted to save him. And myself.

 

Even after being thrown under the bus (and run over again and again) by him, my bleeding heart still cares about him. I pray daily for his happiness and health and that of his family. It would probably be simpler and speed up my healing not to care but I can't help it. Unfortunately in hindsight I can see how if I had extended the same empathy to our potential BSs, a lot of pain and suffering could have been avoided. :-/

[gettingstronger]

Even after being thrown under the bus (and run over again and again) by him, my bleeding heart still cares about him. I pray daily for his happiness and health and that of his family. It would probably be simpler and speed up my healing not to care but I can't help it. Unfortunately in hindsight I can see how if I had extended the same empathy to our potential BSs, a lot of pain and suffering could have been avoided. :-/

 

 

I can see these as good traits when applied to the right person- I hope you protect your heart a little more next time- hindsight is 20/20 right

[Hope Shimmers]

Personality traits that led me to become OW:

 

I'm very goal-directed - I go after what I want and get it.

 

I am fiercely independent - being someone else's "other half" did not appeal.

 

I live a very full and rich life. I did not have time for a full-time R, by choice.

 

I am very intolerant of bull****. I wanted things my way, or not at all.

 

I reached an age where I could afford to be more selfish.

 

I am confident, in control, know what I want. And what I wanted was him.

 

I get my affirmation from what I do, not who I'm with. I did not need to be "Mrs XYZ" or "Dr XYZ's GF".

 

I am unconventional, willing to take risks, break rules and step outside of narrow confines of societal expectations.

 

I live for now, not some mythical future which may never happen.

 

I am passionate, full-on and driven. I need my lover to be an equal, not someone I feel sorry for.

 

I compartmentalise easily and comfortably.

 

I need to live authentically, not squeezed into a societal role that is not me.

 

I am confused why these personality traits require a relationship with a married person. I would actually think the exactly opposite.

[Hope Shimmers]

Welcome to LS

 

IME, I'd say the predominant personality characteristics which impacted development of OM status were, firstly, coming as a young man from a trusting family which fostered openness, I tended to believe people and give them the benefit of the doubt, in general. I was, at that time, the polar opposite of cynical and/or skeptical. Secondly, my emotions were pretty transparent, as I had never really been taught how to 'hide' things. Hence, any potential MW, whether I knew they were a MW or not, could easily discern my 'interest'.

 

I came to reflect upon these issues far later in life, after hearing a few comments from MW's over the years, particularly about being 'naive'. Fair enough. Life was a good, if harsh, teacher.

 

This.

 

(ten characters)

[sunburned]

This is going to come across as hypocritical and ironic given the enormous amount of hurt caused by my A. I attribute a lot of the reason I got involved and stayed involved with MM to the fact that I care too quickly and too much. I've always said that I fall a little bit in love with everyone I meet. I love a backstory and the commonality of the human experience. As I got to know him, I was struck by how smart and funny and adorable and SAD he was. He reminded me of myself. As he shared his feelings about his home life, I recognized his need for attention and validation because they were similar to my own experience in my M. I wanted to save him. And myself.

Even after being thrown under the bus (and run over again and again) by him, my bleeding heart still cares about him. I pray daily for his happiness and health and that of his family. It would probably be simpler and speed up my healing not to care but I can't help it. Unfortunately in hindsight I can see how if I had extended the same empathy to our potential BSs, a lot of pain and suffering could have been avoided. :-/

 

Sometimes it's not just personality but timing. I never thought i was the cheating "type." I'd lost some of my sexual attraction to my husband after 17ish years. His business was going through a big upheaval at the time. He was a miserable person then and took his anger out on me, he was zero help with house and kids, he let himself go (gawd, now i sound like a man). Those things combined made me resentful of him. I was perhaps subconsciously looking for validation and support elsewhere. MM, someone I'd been friends with already, saw me coming!

 

So, yes, if vulnerability is a trait, that would would be one. I also felt similarly to inapp friendly. See bold. Another "personality" trait would be poor boundaries, all the more so with OW who are also married (myself included). He came onto me, but how hard is it to say no?

[inappfriendly]

Poor boundaries!

Edited March 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[VeronicaRoss]

I have known a woman who has always been the other woman, from her first romance which was with a guy living with his girlfriend. From the time she was 17 to now when she's 53. It's amazing how many different scenarios of 'other woman' she's been able to create.

 

She's never been married herself, she won't make herself vulnerable.

 

Her two long-term relationships have been with guys who financially can't get it together and depend on women for extras. She needs a certain amount of control.

 

She's a VP on Wall Street but insists she's 'not like the rest of them', greedy. Yet her cheating and competitive behavior with other women is underhanded, exploitative and self-satisfying. At least the brokers she manages compete openly.

 

She's intellectually smart but is not very self-analytical. She sees herself as the champion of the underdog, which are the men. She sees herself as the woman 'who really understands them', she's their hero.

 

She doesn't hold herself accountable for her choices, things happen to her.

 

Her dad was a drug addict and died of it when she was a teen, so she couldn't depend upon him and she won't depend on men.

 

She refuses to acknowledge the harm she causes.

 

She likes to play the friend to the women she's competing against. I think in her mind it means she's on both their side. It's pretty sick.

[wanting more]

i was very selfish, i had 100% responsibility at home. I was everything. took care of house, kids, i was a chauffeur, maid, cook, bread winner. i have alot of responsibilities at work (that shouldn't fall on me but they do and i accept them)

 

i wanted my fun time, didn't think about who i was hurting, but just wanted to have fun and be carefree

[Waverly]

I keep reading these replies and nodding my head going "yup, yup, that was me". I do have poor boundaries. I have male friends, and my H is fine with that. I've never crossed the line with any of them, except, of course, for my A. When my xAP and I started talking more and more, it turned really quickly into an EA. Now, don't get me wrong: we both decided to take it further. I am 100% on the hook for my choice. But, he pushed the topic... I demurred a little bit at first, but I didn't say no.

 

I've always tied too much of my self-esteem to male attention and whether I was in a relationship or not.

 

And yes, timing. My A started at a time when I wasn't feeling good about my marriage or my H, or, really, myself. That's not an excuse, but it was that sort of perfect storm of resentment towards my husband boiling up and not feeling very validated in my marriage timed perfectly with the xAP appearing on the scene and telling me his feelings.

[Lady2163]

I am fiercely independent - being someone else's "other half" did not appeal.

 

I live a very full and rich life. I did not have time for a full-time R, by choice.

 

I reached an age where I could afford to be more selfish.

 

I am confident, in control, know what I want.

 

I compartmentalise easily and comfortably.

 

 

These jump out at me as possible traits of an over 35 ow

[cocorico]

I am confused why these personality traits require a relationship with a married person. I would actually think the exactly opposite.

 

How so? Independence, unconventionality, wanting it all my own way etc is not a good fit for a FTR, typically.

 

These jump out at me as possible traits of an over 35 ow

 

Bingo!

[Sub]

How so? Independence, unconventionality, wanting it all my own way etc is not a good fit for a FTR, typically.

 

I think the question is how they're unique to being an OW. Many of those traits could be any woman. What about being "independent" lead you to focus specifically on a man because he was married?