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Posted

I am new here, but I've read a couple of posts and find this site very useful. I'm really confused right now and hoping that maybe if I post my situation here, someone can provide me with some advice or clarity...

 

I feel like I'm sabotaging a perfectly good relationship, and hurting a really great guy. I don't know what my problem is, but I think I'm doing this because (sub)consciously I want to get out of this relationship but don't know how to do it. I need to explain first how it started, and what I have done, and why I am so confused.

 

my boyfriend and I had a very strange and fast paced relationship. we were friends in highschool- but lost track of each other when we went to college. this past summer we got back in touch, and he came up to visit me in college right before classes started. I thought we would just have a crazy weekend of partying... but after 3 intense days...we told eachother we were in love, and that he should move to my city so we could be together. This was just the first week.... for the next five months we continued to have a very intense relationship, we became very attached to each other very quickly...he did come and move here for a bit (but ended up leaving b/c he couldn't get a job without a visa- I live in montreal), he visited me almost every or every other weekend, and we talked about moving in together once I finished college (he's a year ahead, and finished last year), we talked about marriage, we literally got carried away with each other and the excitement of our crazy relationship...but it felt incredible

 

soon enough though problems arose...we began to fight a lot and have miscommunication problems...(largely b/c we didn't actually know each other that well)...one of our biggest issues was jealousy...both of us had pretty tight views on cheating and would get insecure about each other (this is especially hard when we weren't living in the same city) ...I was jealous of a close female friend he had...and he was jealous of a male friend I had...the difference was: I was jealous of them being such close friends and her being so important to him, and he was jealous because my friend had a crush on me and was always dropping by or calling me, and even though I had no interest in him more than a friend- my bf would flip out if I ever hung out with my friend.

 

even though I still loved him, after a particularly bad fight...I couldnt take it anymore and just dumped him... he was really hurt and said a lot of bad things out of defence but I just hung up. part of me felt relieved...I was sick of fighting all the time and I wanted some peace...but part of me was also shocked and sad...I really thought that we were meant to be...I had never "fallen" for someone so quickly and intensely like I had for him...we had made all these plans and suddenly I felt really empty and lost. I was thinking about whether or not this was a good decision, I was even considering that maybe I would call him back and try talk things out....but before I could even decide what was best....his best friend (the one whom I had been jealous of) suddenly got on msn and began harrassing me into calling him again and telling me this was a huge mistake ( btw-he did not put her up to this, this is just her being nosy)...I tried blocking her/deleting her...but after a while she basically made me feel like I had indeed made a huge mistake....so I did call him, and we got back together that night.

 

I do not regret getting back together...we had some wonderful times since, and began to understand a lot more about each other and we fought less frequently...however, this is when I began to sabotage the relationship. like things would be going really well...we wouldnt be fighting and we'd be close and happy...and then I would get into this mood...or get hung up on something he did (like not call me) and I would just flip out....like start vaguely suggesting that I'm interested in other guys...or go out a lot with friends to make him worry a bit...( I have never cheated on him...but this alone made him REALLY upset) anytime I was mad at him about something- if I tried to tell him and he didnt respond, then I would do something to piss him off in response...generally something that would make him jealous...

if that isnt enough....I began checking his email...going on-line through his aim all the time...I dont know why, but I became obsessed....for some reason I stopped trusting him...I became obsessed on monitoring everything....checking to see if he was talking to his ex or to some girls that I knew liked him...I was so insecure...and I dont know why...he never cheated on me, and always expressed his love for me...but for some reason I was consumed by trying to find something...I even created a fake profile and pretended to be another chick asking him out online- and he totally refused and ignored the "other girl" (meanwhile I was making him jealous and upsetting him whenever I was mad)...

 

I know at this point, anyone still reading probably thinks I'm such a B**** for all of this... and honestly I feel so ashamed....I don't know why I did all of this...I dont know why I tried to make things so hard for us...and upset him so much...and didnt trust him...and snooped around so much.... I feel so guilty...but the only way I can make sense of this is that deep down I must want to end this relationship and its my way of doing it....I dont know if I really want to be with him forever....and move in with him...(ofcourse at this point, things are so shaky that its not really an issue)...maybe it suddenly hit me how fast everything happened....we never really built a friendship with trust....we just rushed in and had this manic "love affair" and then tried to get to know each other afterward...

 

I often think I should just dump him...try to figure out my bs issues and try not make the same mistakes next time....a part of me though just cant bring myself to end it...I feel like I'm stuck...or like I know I will miss him too much...so I just cant do it...

 

today we did get into another fight....I got really mad and he didnt want to talk ( he just shuts me out when he's mad)....I felt like this would be a good time to just end it...so I did, I told him it was over... he got really really pissed/upset and finally I ended up taking it back....

 

I really am so confused...I feel like things are so messed up now...I dont feel totally happy in the relationship anymore...I dont know how to trust him (and stop invading his privacy)...am I acting so horribly b/c I feel like I'm trying to wreck things on purpose? maybe I'm just F'd up emotionally? should I try to get myself together and give this relationship a fair chance without sabotaging it all the time? or should I break up and stop going back? even though it hurts him, and hurts me....?

Posted

i'm a guy living with his girlfriend. she's never ever given me a reason not to trust her, but i'm always suspicious. we don't have a computer at home (i do this from my workplace) so i never worry about her being online. but i'm suspicious nontheless. anyway, i've noticed when we argue she says the same thing" maybe i should just leave so you can find someone better" and i always say "no i don't want you to leave". anyway, the point i'm trying to make is it's very easy to leave. it always is. sure there's the crying and heartache and the second thoughts, but hey, out of sight and out of mind in a short course of time.

 

try doing the honorable thing, which so few people even consider anymore: try to work on yourself. if you do things that annoy him to the point that it bothers you, change that thing. you suspect him? no you don't, you want to so you can have a REASON to leave, that's all you're looking for. you just don't have the will, or the backbone to try to change yourself. we've become such a politically correct world that all of our feelings must be okay, therefore it's the (in)significant other's responsibility to make me feel better. that's bull****. you know, i know it, we all know it.

 

you love him? prove it. change what bothers you. if it's him that bothers you, change that. remember:" people are going to change, or people are going to change"

Posted

It's true that you are sabotaging this relationship but it's not because you want to end it,it's probably because it's so intense meaning that you are more likely to be hurt by him seeing as you feel him so much.It's scary giving someone that kind of power over you.You need him to reassure you over and over again that he really does love you and the way you go about doing that is making him jealous.When you see him mad,you know that's it's because he feels deeply about you.When you hurt him,you want to see him bleed to assure yourself that he really cares.It's ofcourse the wrong way to go about this.You need to trust what he says.Let go and let this relationship be.I do the exact same things to my boyfriends and I am so surprised to hear that someone else has the same issues that I do.I have been single for a year now coz I let this great guy go. I miss him like crazy and wish that we were still together.Learn from my experience.Don't break up with him.Don't expect more form him than is humanly possible either e.g. giving you the security you need.You don't need to snoop or make him jealous to know that he feels you.Look at the way he treats you, the things he says instead and dwell on these things. Look at the positives instead of the negatives.All the best

Posted

Well, I have to say that this sounds a lot like the relationship between me and my recently ex-girlfriend... she definitely has this intense desire and sabotage thing going.

 

Both of us have problems stemming from our childhood (abandonment for example) which are affecting the way we form adult relationships. My suggestion is that you see a therapist, which is what we're doing... do it together if you can, singly if not.

Posted

Aw girl, it sounds like you need some time to think. I have done things like you have in the past due to insecurity - that is all it is, you arent messed up or a b*tch or anything. You are just insecure. Figure out why. Then figure out if he is the right person for you, and if you can maintain trying to build your own self-esteem while pursuing a relationship with this person. I felt trapped in my relationship with my guy too, and now we are taking time apart, due to our own serious problems.. and I tell you, though I am lonely and sometimes miss him and cry, I feel much better that I can find myself and build my confidence.. alone.

 

Good luck, if you need someone to talk to, Im here.

 

Meg

Posted
Originally posted by OpheliasDescent2

I am lonely and sometimes miss him and cry, I feel much better that I can find myself and build my confidence.. alone.

 

 

But sometimes you don't need to be alone to find yourself. I have started trying to find myself(as you put it) and work on my issues with myself. But I have found that my boyfriend is helping me more than anyone. Even though I normally put my anger and issues onto him in a mean bi**tchy way, he is still there and wants to help me get through my issues and even though when I get so mad at him for forgetting or missing my call....I still love him and he is my biggest help!

Posted

I guess honestly in my opinion it matters to me if you are living together or not... my bf and I were living together in a very small space with his mom and my other son. it was very crowded, demanding, and unhappy... so that was my problem ::shrug:: I didnt mean leave the relationship, i guess I should have made that clearer ;) Also, it depends on the guy, like you described your bf.. mine is SO unsupportive so its a different deal...

 

Meg

Posted

Man, I am going through the same exact kind of thing. It's comforting to hear that I'm not alone (and not a psycho).

Posted
Originally posted by Spira

Man, I am going through the same exact kind of thing. It's comforting to hear that I'm not alone (and not a psycho).

 

 

I think so many women go through this because we do have problems beyond what we want to admit to our bfs or anyone else for that matter because we think they will think we are stuipd or crazy! it is comforting to hear that we are not alone and I think it is more comforting to hear others talk about their problems because it makes you see how you are acting and we you start acting like that you can think that you don't have to and you always have someone to talk to! Th epower of the internet!

Posted

I think you are feeling really insecure about him and yourself right now and you want to do everything possible to reassure yourself that he is being faithful and honest to you and isnt cheating on you with other girls. I know exactly how you feel about the whole situation with him being friends with this other girl becuase I have went through it too, only he cheated on me. Have you ever been in another relationship before where a guy has been unfaithful to you or has hurt you in any way? There is a big trust issue there and I think you guys need to have a serious chat about it, becuase without someone's trust, there can't be a healthy fun-loving relationship. I know from experience. And if he doesnt want to face up to it and talk about it, I would leave him for good. If you cant have an open mind and communication, he isnt worth having around either. You both are accusing each other of "seeing other people" where in reality obviously you both arent cheating on one another. My only advice to you is be true to your heart and go on your gut instinct about what YOU want to do here. He sounds like he could be a really great guy, maybe you 2 can work out this trust issue and make your relationship stronger. If you do decide to break up with him, you are most likely going to have a "trust" issue with the next guy you meet, and if you do, take it slow and get to know him and build up the trust between you two first. Best of luck to you and your situation, hope my advice helps in your decision.

  • Author
Posted

thanks a lot you guys, I really feel better just knowing other people have felt like this before and that its not just me... I am going to try to work things out...I dont want to give up yet, especially b/c I think this is a personal problem that would arise again and again....jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend wont make it go away... I guess I just need to calm down and not flip out over every little thing...

like..he's really bad about the phone, and I guess I need to just accept that as a part of him...there's a lot worse things that guys do to their girlfriends...

Posted

haha i have the phone problem too.. im STILL trying to give up waiting for him to call at night, which is why im on here all the time- to keep my mind off of it!! :)

 

plus its funny when he calls me and catches me and says "I CALLED you, but you were ONLINE again" all peeved ;)

 

Im glad youre feeling better, and I agree, because im in the same situation- its an insecurity issue, that WONT go away. When I get a chance, and im back in the city, I plan to go to counseling for my self-esteem issues again. I know I need it!! :)

 

Meg

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