Women- what is your take on reunion with an old friend?

[RonaldS]

Long back story, but there is a woman that I've known for a long time...maybe 15 years. She was friends of my XW's brother, but we all hung out a lot together. I was always very attracted to her, as she is really cool, intelligent and beautiful. But, obviously, I was in a relationship so nothing ever happened or was even hinted at.

 

Anyway, I haven't seen her in probably 8 years. We live in the same city, so I looked her up a few weeks ago and emailed her just saying 'hi'. She responded within minutes, and from there we started chatting pretty regularly via text. We then decided we needed to meet and catch up, which we did that following weekend.

 

OK....so we meet, have drinks, and we've got a lot in common plus a lot of history, so there was a lot of ease and comfort between us. We were both fairly touchy with each other, and by the end of our time at the bar, she was massaging my neck and I was reciprocating. It was really nice and comfortable. Then, I walked her home. She either had her hand in my back pocket or her arm wrapped around mine. Got back to her place and she hit the cab light in her building and then waited with me until a cab showed up. We hugged and then almost kissed, and she sort of hesitated. Then, a minute later, we did kiss, lightly. Then she put her arms around me and hugged me really close with her face nuzzled up under my chin for a minute. Then, we kiss-kissed. It was really nice, like 'wow' nice. Then the stupid cab showed up.

 

Anyway, since then, she has been real flighty. Not texting that much anymore, but then she called me a few days later (I missed the call). A little bit of texting back and forth, and then she called again on Friday and we talked....mainly about her job, nothing serious, etc. Offered to meet up with her to watch a basketball game (we both went to the same university, and we used to watch games together way back when), and then she said 'Ok', but then we never got together. Then, during the next game the next day, we texted each other a bunch during the game. No other plans to meet up have been made.

 

So, what do you ladies think? Did she get weirded out by the situation? It's noteworthy that she and my Xw's brother no longer have a relationship, and neither of them live close to us. Was it just going to be a one time thing? Meet up, know that you could have it and then just be satisfied with that? Not into me?

 

What confused me was the hug where she was burying her face into my neck. That seemed semi intense to me, like more than just a casual hug. Thoughts?

[PegNosePete]

Did she get weirded out by the situation?

No, she was waiting for you to ask her out again with some firm plans. Not "we should go to a game sometime", but "let's go to the game tomorrow night I'll pick you up at 6". But you didn't. She's probably still waiting. You should pick up the phone right now.

[RonaldS]

No, she was waiting for you to ask her out again with some firm plans. Not "we should go to a game sometime", but "let's go to the game tomorrow night I'll pick you up at 6". But you didn't. She's probably still waiting. You should pick up the phone right now.

 

I don't know. Not getting that vibe at all. More like she's backing off or not wanting to push things any further. You're a guy, so you're thinking like a guy. Women don't think like guys.

[iris219]

Sounds like she had a few drinks and got overly affectionate. When she sobered up, she realized things went further than she was comfortable with.

[RonaldS]

Sounds like she had a few drinks and got overly affectionate. When she sobered up, she realized things went further than she was comfortable with.

 

Well, we only had 2 glasses of wine each over a period if a few hours. So, it's not like we were even close to being drunk. Not saying I disagree with your premise that more happened than she ultimately wanted...just saying it wasn't facilitated by alcohol.

 

I sort of feel like I should just back off. Good move? When it's a stranger, I feel like I know how to handle these situations well. But when it's somebody there's a friendship and history with, the waters get so muddy so quickly.

 

So, should I just back away and let her determine what, if anything, happens next?

[iris219]

Well, we only had 2 glasses of wine each over a period if a few hours. So, it's not like we were even close to being drunk. Not saying I disagree with your premise that more happened than she ultimately wanted...just saying it wasn't facilitated by alcohol.

 

I sort of feel like I should just back off. Good move? When it's a stranger, I feel like I know how to handle these situations well. But when it's somebody there's a friendship and history with, the waters get so muddy so quickly.

 

So, should I just back away and let her determine what, if anything, happens next?

 

I'm tipsy after 1 glass of wine.

 

If you'd like to see her again, attempt to make specific, solid plans. Ask her if she'd like to do such and such at 8 pm on Friday. See how she responds to that. If she's not receptive, back off.

[RonaldS]

I'm tipsy after 1 glass of wine.

 

If you'd like to see her again, attempt to make specific, solid plans. Ask her if she'd like to do such and such at 8 pm on Friday. See how she responds to that. If she's not receptive, back off.

 

Good idea. Unfortunately, we're both super busy, and I'm out of town for the next couple of weekends, so I don't really know when we would be able to get together.

 

This whole thing is just weird, though. She texted me first thing in the morning (Sunday), and then called a few days later. Truth be told, I knew she was interested all those years ago. I wasn't totally motiveless when I contacted her. She and I had hung out together alone a few times back then, and there was always tension. But when we got together, with me no longer married and her no longer friends with my brother-in-law, we were close and touchy from the word 'go'...it was like, 'Hey, I can put my hand on your thigh now! Yay!', or 'Hey, I can massage your neck now! Yay!'.

 

Anyway, who the hell knows.

[Standard-Fare]

Whether it was alcohol (and who knows -- maybe she had a beer or two before meeting up with you that night) or other factors, it sounds like she just let herself be very comfortable and loose with you one that night, and then put her guard up afterwards.

 

But I'm also curious about what would have happened if you'd been more direct in your actions afterward, like specifically inviting her to do something with you a few days later. It sounds like you BOTH were pretty passive and limp in your communication after that night.

 

(As a woman, I'd add that I personally would assume a low level of interest from a man if he didn't follow up with some kind of firm invitation or other clear sign of interest within a few days. I'd assume we were getting more into friend zone.)

 

It seems worth meeting up again and seeing what the vibe is. You said you're busy but you should make the effort to do this sooner rather than later. If you let this slide for a couple months, you would be establishing yourselves as "friends who might meet up a couple times of year if it happens to be convenient."

[RonaldS]

 

(As a woman, I'd add that I personally would assume a low level of interest from a man if he didn't follow up with some kind of firm invitation or other clear sign of interest within a few days. I'd assume we were getting more into friend zone.

 

I'm curious about this statement. Can you really go from being in the friendzone for 15 years, not see each other for 8 of those years, get together, have a great time, then kiss intimately (which is a clear breach of the friendzone), and then go back to the friendzone in the span of a week?

 

Isn't there some sort of acceptable timeline in these situations? We're in our mid-30s, not early 20s. Seems like two people should be able to reconnect and establish a new trajectory and then let things unfold without there being a 2 day window of opportunity.

[Standard-Fare]

I'm curious about this statement. Can you really go from being in the friendzone for 15 years, not see each other for 8 of those years, get together, have a great time, then kiss intimately (which is a clear breach of the friendzone), and then go back to the friendzone in the span of a week?

 

Isn't there some sort of acceptable timeline in these situations? We're in our mid-30s, not early 20s. Seems like two people should be able to reconnect and establish a new trajectory and then let things unfold without there being a 2 day window of opportunity.

 

Yeah, I agree that this is different than a typical dating situation where you'd definitely want to be in touch within a couple days about a second meet-up. Your history together, your stage of life, etc. do make the rules pretty cloudy.

 

But what I'm saying is that you BOTH seem to have contributed to this passive communication style where you're keeping in contact but not jumping the gun with making other plans. Like, why didn't either of you make sure you were watching that game together, instead of texting back and forth during it?

 

I think you could just easily settle into that mode and watch this thing go nowhere. That's why I'm encouraging you to make a specific plan with her sometime soon. And make it pretty clear that it's meant as more of a "date."

 

Her response to that should give you a good idea of where you stand.

[Standard-Fare]

Want to add that, at least based on what you've written here about the night you did meet up, you should feel valid motivation to explore this more. It sounds like you two genuinely had a good time, and she was genuinely flirty and affectionate with you.

 

That alone should make you want to take some action soon (even in spite of the flakey communication afterwards.) Don't doubt yourself too much here unless you have a better reason to.

[RonaldS]

Want to add that, at least based on what you've written here about the night you did meet up, you should feel valid motivation to explore this more. It sounds like you two genuinely had a good time, and she was genuinely flirty and affectionate with you.

 

That alone should make you want to take some action soon (even in spite of the flakey communication afterwards.) Don't doubt yourself too much here unless you have a better reason to.

 

Yeah, one part of me does feel that way. And I do remember her being semi-flakey in general.

 

But at the same time, it's hard to not perceive the drop off in communication as being indicative of regret. And it is sort of a sticky situation, as we weren't just marginal friends, and I think she may have even dated my brother-in-law for a short time. So, I could kind of see her taking a step back and deciding maybe it pushes too many boundaries and hitting the brakes a little, if not just outright dropping it.

 

Then again, all of those relationships are now gone, for both of us. Yes, I have the XW (who never liked this girl, btw), and we have kids together, but we don't talk. And I don't talk to my BiL anymore, and neither does she. But at the same time, I feel like if word leaked out....who know?

[Standard-Fare]

Wow, you're getting so far ahead of yourself, worrying about what other people would think.

 

You two have just had one meetup, and it's anyone guess where this is heading.

 

But given the evidence of a genuine spark, you really should just stop overthinking this and take some action. Invite her out ASAP.

[Trimmer]

I think you could just easily settle into that mode and watch this thing go nowhere. That's why I'm encouraging you to make a specific plan with her sometime soon. And make it pretty clear that it's meant as more of a "date."

 

Her response to that should give you a good idea of where you stand.

I agree - you are spending a lot of time analyzing and doing all kinds of long-term "what-ifs". You sound like a data cruncher/analyst type of person, so you need more raw data - speculation won't get you there. The only way to do that is as SF says above: ask her out, clearly and unambiguously (that's your input) and see how she responds (that's your output.) Then you can analyze your heart away, but I hope you actually end up just going out and having another good time!

 

Want to add that, at least based on what you've written here about the night you did meet up, you should feel valid motivation to explore this more. It sounds like you two genuinely had a good time, and she was genuinely flirty and affectionate with you.

 

That alone should make you want to take some action soon (even in spite of the flakey communication afterwards.) Don't doubt yourself too much here unless you have a better reason to.

I agree with this, too. You are focusing so much on the long term possibilities, that you are ignoring a very likely good thing in the short term. See if you can go out again, and see what happens. Maybe it will be different, but that's fine, see where it goes. Maybe it will be similar, and you just need to get together face-to-face to catalyze that. You can sit around and guess (and talk yourself out of it...) or you can go see where it goes!

 

If there's even a decent chance for another enjoyable night together with a nice hug and maybe even a kiss after, what the hell are you waiting for?

[babycakees]

I guarantee you...this girl is getting mixed signals from you!! Being that you did not make firm plans right away again, she is probably thinking you are not interested. Pick up the phone and make plans to get together. Don't beat around the bush. Do it. If she doesn't seem to reciprocate wanting to get together again, well...then you know

[RonaldS]

Thanks, everybody. I appreciate your advice.

 

Should I even bring up something along the lines of 'Look, we had a really nice moment, but we've been friends for a long time, and I truly value your friendship, so I don't want to put you into a position you're uncomfortable with. At the same time, I really liked....blah blah blah'?

 

Of should I just ask her out like nothing happened.

 

Because I would rather have her as a friend than not have her as a friend, ultimately. If she feels weird about it, and just got tipsy and overstepped a bit, I don't want to push something at the expense of the friendship.

 

Just feels like a thin-ice kind of situation where one needs to step very carefully.

[SpringBaby]

Long back story, but there is a woman that I've known for a long time...maybe 15 years. She was friends of my XW's brother, but we all hung out a lot together. I was always very attracted to her, as she is really cool, intelligent and beautiful. But, obviously, I was in a relationship so nothing ever happened or was even hinted at.

 

Anyway, I haven't seen her in probably 8 years. We live in the same city, so I looked her up a few weeks ago and emailed her just saying 'hi'. She responded within minutes, and from there we started chatting pretty regularly via text. We then decided we needed to meet and catch up, which we did that following weekend.

 

OK....so we meet, have drinks, and we've got a lot in common plus a lot of history, so there was a lot of ease and comfort between us. We were both fairly touchy with each other, and by the end of our time at the bar, she was massaging my neck and I was reciprocating. It was really nice and comfortable. Then, I walked her home. She either had her hand in my back pocket or her arm wrapped around mine. Got back to her place and she hit the cab light in her building and then waited with me until a cab showed up. We hugged and then almost kissed, and she sort of hesitated. Then, a minute later, we did kiss, lightly. Then she put her arms around me and hugged me really close with her face nuzzled up under my chin for a minute. Then, we kiss-kissed. It was really nice, like 'wow' nice. Then the stupid cab showed up.

 

Anyway, since then, she has been real flighty. Not texting that much anymore, but then she called me a few days later (I missed the call). A little bit of texting back and forth, and then she called again on Friday and we talked....mainly about her job, nothing serious, etc. Offered to meet up with her to watch a basketball game (we both went to the same university, and we used to watch games together way back when), and then she said 'Ok', but then we never got together. Then, during the next game the next day, we texted each other a bunch during the game. No other plans to meet up have been made.

 

So, what do you ladies think? Did she get weirded out by the situation? It's noteworthy that she and my Xw's brother no longer have a relationship, and neither of them live close to us. Was it just going to be a one time thing? Meet up, know that you could have it and then just be satisfied with that? Not into me?

 

What confused me was the hug where she was burying her face into my neck. That seemed semi intense to me, like more than just a casual hug. Thoughts?

 

How many drinks? :confused:Some women just crave male attention and want to feel desirable by every man she knows (if at all possible). This may or may not be her deal but it sounds like she could be thinking it might get back to your xw's brother to make him jealous or something but who really knows.

 

I'm pretty basic (this may be shocking to men) if I like you, you will know it. If you like me, let me know. I'm not flighty nor am I into flighty people. Therefore, I suggest you take this as it comes. If you want to see her do so, but keep your options open. If she acts like she can't be bothered, don't bother her and find yourself someone with less drama.

[RonaldS]

How many drinks? :confused:Some women just crave male attention and want to feel desirable by every man she knows (if at all possible). This may or may not be her deal but it sounds like she could be thinking it might get back to your xw's brother to make him jealous or something but who really knows.

 

I'm pretty basic (this may be shocking to men) if I like you, you will know it. If you like me, let me know. I'm not flighty nor am I into flighty people. Therefore, I suggest you take this as it comes. If you want to see her do so, but keep your options open. If she acts like she can't be bothered, don't bother her and find yourself someone with less drama.

 

We barely drank. A couple of glasses of wine each over a few hours. And no way of anything getting back to the X's brother or anything like that. She did make a comment toward the end of the night that if my x knew we were out together, she would freak (and that's true).

 

I don't know. She surprised me by remembering so much about me....things I liked, the way I am. And then there was that hug. I've hugged and kissed a zillion girls. When a girl melts into you like that, it usually means something. I mean, my XW used to hug me the same way.

 

So, yeah. I'm maybe going to let it breathe for a few days and then give her a call. We're both busy this week and I'm out of town for the weekend, so not much is going to happen before then anyway.

[Standard-Fare]

I don't really understand this talk about wanting to "preserve the friendship."

 

Before this recent turn of events, you hadn't seen her or had any contact in eight years. That's a long enough time where most people wouldn't even consider it a friendship anymore, even if you remembered each other fondly.

 

It seems like it would be really easy to fade right back out of each other's lives again, or otherwise just maintain a very sporadic, distant friendship. And maybe that's fine, but right now you seem to be possibly wanting more.

 

My take is that now is your time to figure this out, if there's ever going to BE a time. Acknowledge that it's a very rare opportunity to reconnect with someone you had a crush with in the distant past, at a time when both of you are single and potentially interested.

 

To me, it seems like a bad idea to "let this slide" until you get back in town next week. Even if you can't set up something before that, you should put some clear feelers out there that you want to hang out again.

[RonaldS]

I don't really understand this talk about wanting to "preserve the friendship."

 

Before this recent turn of events, you hadn't seen her or had any contact in eight years. That's a long enough time where most people wouldn't even consider it a friendship anymore, even if you remembered each other fondly.

 

It seems like it would be really easy to fade right back out of each other's lives again, or otherwise just maintain a very sporadic, distant friendship. And maybe that's fine, but right now you seem to be possibly wanting more.

 

My take is that now is your time to figure this out, if there's ever going to BE a time. Acknowledge that it's a very rare opportunity to reconnect with someone you had a crush with in the distant past, at a time when both of you are single and potentially interested.

 

To me, it seems like a bad idea to "let this slide" until you get back in town next week. Even if you can't set up something before that, you should put some clear feelers out there that you want to hang out again.

 

Well, we both live in a city that neither of is from, and neither of us have family anywhere within a couple hundred miles, and in a city this size, friends and people just come and go. So to reconnect with somebody like that....you know, we have a lot in common (background, college, profession, etc) and we also have personalities that mesh really well. We were both talking about how you kind of wake up one day and all of your friends are either gone or living different lives.

 

I guess that makes the fact that we do have a friendship meaningful. She's super attractive and can date anybody. I don't do too bad myself. It's a huge city. If we have the make up for a really good friendship, is it worth screwing up by dating? Not saying it is or isnt, but again, this is where it's a little trickier than just a standard meet/get to know/date situation.

 

I had a situation like this about a year and a half with another woman who was friends with my XW. Finally the idea was nuked because the issues outweighed, or at least interfered with, the benefits.

[Standard-Fare]

Ok, last time I weigh in on this, but from everything you've written it seems that YOU'RE the one who's really on the fence about this. (Regardless of this woman's own stance and behavior.)

 

You seem to have convinced yourself of many reasons why you shouldn't be gung-ho about exploring this. And it sounds like you're doing a good job of conveying that doubtful vibe to her, which I'm sure is only hurting your chances at something romantic.

 

You say you're worried about missing out on the chance of a good friendship with this woman. I question if that's even a realistic expectation. How many close platonic male-female friendships can you think of between two people with busy lives in their mid-30s? (Particularly if either of you starts dating someone.)

 

Maybe your doubts and hesitation are perfectly legit, but I hope you don't let a good opportunity pass and wind up with regrets. Trust me, this window you now have will be open for only a short time period.

[VeronicaRoss]

If you two have been friends and you're a full-fledged adult in your 30s why aren't you actually calling her and having real conversations to develop your relationship? Texts are romantic chump change, you're hiding.

 

Put yourself out there. Women like strength and confidence. By now she probably has learned the hard way that guys vote with their actions, not their words.

 

So let her know you're interested in her by actually talking with her, let her know how much fun you had and how much you want to see her again and ask her out out on a real date.

[RonaldS]

If you two have been friends and you're a full-fledged adult in your 30s why aren't you actually calling her and having real conversations to develop your relationship? Texts are romantic chump change, you're hiding.

 

Put yourself out there. Women like strength and confidence. By now she probably has learned the hard way that guys vote with their actions, not their words.

 

So let her know you're interested in her by actually talking with her, let her know how much fun you had and how much you want to see her again and ask her out out on a real date.

 

We have talked, a couple of times.

 

It's weird...it's so comfortable. But at the same time, I can't shake the idea that maybe she was satisfied with what happened and doesn't want/need more. I'm the same way a lot of times....I often like winning more than I like the prize. Maybe all she needed was a little taste and that's enough for her.

 

No idea. She went lukewarm fairly quickly. Maybe I'm projecting myself onto her feelings or motivations?

 

In my experience, when I have that kind of connection with a woman, and she backs away, it's usually a move of self-protection, like they just don't even want to open that door because they're afraid they'll get hurt. I've been with enough women in my life to know when a connection is real and substantial and when it's just drunk and caught up in the moment. But just because there was a connection doesn't automatically mean that she wants to pursue it.

Edited March 18, 2014 by RonaldS

[Trimmer]

Ok, last time I weigh in on this, but from everything you've written it seems that YOU'RE the one who's really on the fence about this. (Regardless of this woman's own stance and behavior.)

 

You seem to have convinced yourself of many reasons why you shouldn't be gung-ho about exploring this. And it sounds like you're doing a good job of conveying that doubtful vibe to her, which I'm sure is only hurting your chances at something romantic.

 

You say you're worried about missing out on the chance of a good friendship with this woman. I question if that's even a realistic expectation. How many close platonic male-female friendships can you think of between two people with busy lives in their mid-30s? (Particularly if either of you starts dating someone.)

 

Maybe your doubts and hesitation are perfectly legit, but I hope you don't let a good opportunity pass and wind up with regrets. Trust me, this window you now have will be open for only a short time period.

I echo this 100%.

 

And then we have this:

It's weird...it's so comfortable. But at the same time, I can't shake the idea that maybe she was satisfied with what happened and doesn't want/need more. I'm the same way a lot of times....I often like winning more than I like the prize. Maybe all she needed was a little taste and that's enough for her.

 

No idea. She went lukewarm fairly quickly. Maybe I'm projecting myself onto her feelings or motivations?

 

In my experience, when I have that kind of connection with a woman, and she backs away, it's usually a move of self-protection, like they just don't even want to open that door because they're afraid they'll get hurt. I've been with enough women in my life to know when a connection is real and substantial and when it's just drunk and caught up in the moment. But just because there was a connection doesn't automatically mean that she wants to pursue it.

Most people look at an interaction like this, and they're looking for any positive sign they can use to make the case for taking a risk and going forward.

 

You are taking every positive sign here and minimizing it, as if you are trying to build a case NOT to go forward.

 

Glass half full, or glass half empty?

[VeronicaRoss]

Yes its very possible the ambivalence is yours, not hers.

 

Sounds like you two had a great time and someone you've known for a while and are so attracted to, those are a lot of pluses. Hope you pick up the phone and are able to connect.