bobby326 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Hey guys, I have what some people would think is a great situation and others a horrible one, I'm honestly crossed and I guess am looking for some words or motivation or advice from someone who has been through something similar. So I posted about this before but I met a girl through tinder and we really hit it off. We see each other several times a week, text almost daily and in the past month that we've known each other have probably hung out 12-15 times. This past weekend was the first time we had sex, she had me over for dinner and we had drinks and one thing led to another. We had messed around before but she didn't want to have sex, said she wanted to take things slow. Well I pretty much found out she is a very very sexual person, super kinky and what not, sounds awesome right? lol, it kind of caught me off guard, I mean I'm very open sexually but I've never been with someone like her so I guess I'm a bit intimidated. Also we sorta talked about where this was going and she didn't flat out say she didn't want a relationship but talked about how she recently stopped talking to her ex only a few months ago and she's not really ready for anything and she has been hesitant about sleeping with me because she doesn't want to hurt me. Of course the drunk/horny me convinced her she wouldn't hurt me and then we had sex. I'll be going out for a friends birthday next weekend and invited her to come and meet some of my friends but I feel like this May be a bad idea if it's not going anywhere. I guess I'm torn between wanting to continue to see this girl, enjoy great sex no strings attached and maybe it may go somewhere, and talking to her again (sober) about where this is going but I don't want to scare her off. I guess my track record didn't program me to understand this kind of dating, I've mostly been in serious long term relationships, part of me thinks this may be good for me to train myself to take dating from a more mature casual mindset and not get caught up in the emotion too much. I dunno I'm done rambling, has anyone dealt with something like this before and if so what did you do? I do really like her and if she wanted to be exclusive I would be willing to, this is all just a bit confusing to me. Also if it means anything were both in our late 20s, she's a very successful independent woman so that may shed some light on her way of thinking.
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I guess I'm torn between wanting to continue to see this girl, enjoy great sex no strings attached and maybe it may go somewhere, and talking to her again (sober) about where this is going You are not listening to her and then at the end you will accuse women of being users. No, her feelings won't change, she knows this will never get past the fwb with you. Listen. You remind me of my daughter, 26 yo. She calls me up and says *mom my new bf said he doesn't want to get attached what does he mean* Well honey he means he DOES NOT want to get attached !!! She did not listened, dated the guy for an entire year and when he move on to someone else she got the biggest heart break of her little life. So, do you need to put yourself through a heartbreak to understand when people are telling you they don't want to get attached then mean it? 1
Author bobby326 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 You are not listening to her and then at the end you will accuse women of being users. No, her feelings won't change, she knows this will never get past the fwb with you. Listen. You remind me of my daughter, 26 yo. She calls me up and says *mom my new bf said he doesn't want to get attached what does he mean* Well honey he means he DOES NOT want to get attached !!! She did not listened, dated the guy for an entire year and when he move on to someone else she got the biggest heart break of her little life. So, do you need to put yourself through a heartbreak to understand when people are telling you they don't want to get attached then mean it? I know exactly where your coming from and trust me I'm not going to let this go on for a year before I say something. She didn't tell me I don't ever want anything she said "I'm just confused right now but that doesn't mean I won't change my mind in the future" we never straight up talked about being exclusive we were just talking about relationships in general and not necessary us but we were both very drunk so I feel like I should revisit the subject when were not drunk. I've been in one other fwb relationship where the tables were turned, I didn't want anything and she did, eventually I came around had feelings for her but she was already dating someone. What's confusing about this whole situation is it didn't start off with one drunken night where we hooked up, we've been going on very formal dates, cuddling, having romantic kisses etc, that's the part that is confusing. Also, when I did try to sleep with her several times before she stopped me so if she was looking for casual sex I would think she would have slept with me.
Author bobby326 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 No one else has ever been through this? Sorry, this has just been on my mind all day and am looking for some support. Thanks guys
TaraMaiden Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Before you guys have sex again, you need to have a talk and not leave things so vague. You're only confused because even with having talked already, you STILL don't know where this is going, or where you stand. You both need to be honest with each other, and even if it means revisiting this 'talk' monthly, agree to do that, because vagueness causes problems, sooner or later. 1
GoreSP Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 NSA sex is great! Until one of them falls for the other (and that generally happens...) She clearly said she wasn't ready for a relationship and this usually means she isn't into you beyond sex. For example, I had a FWB last year - met him in March - we stopped seeing each other over the summer and started seeing each other during the fall. He always told me he wanted to remain single forever - yet he had a girlfriend during the time we weren't seeing each other in the summer. When we started seeing each other again in the Fall, he was telling me how much he liked her but she had a kid with another man and he didn't want to get involved with that. So save yourself a world of trouble and heartache - if someone says she isn't ready for anything, she isn't ready for anything. If you have even the slightest hope it could turn into something more - run for your life! Ok maybe not for your life - but you should definitely keep your distance.
Author bobby326 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 NSA sex is great! Until one of them falls for the other (and that generally happens...) She clearly said she wasn't ready for a relationship and this usually means she isn't into you beyond sex. For example, I had a FWB last year - met him in March - we stopped seeing each other over the summer and started seeing each other during the fall. He always told me he wanted to remain single forever - yet he had a girlfriend during the time we weren't seeing each other in the summer. When we started seeing each other again in the Fall, he was telling me how much he liked her but she had a kid with another man and he didn't want to get involved with that. So save yourself a world of trouble and heartache - if someone says she isn't ready for anything, she isn't ready for anything. If you have even the slightest hope it could turn into something more - run for your life! Ok maybe not for your life - but you should definitely keep your distance. Yeah that makes sense, I'm not against having NSA sex or hanging out but I would want to model the relationship we have to reflect that, i.e. not go on romantic dates anymore etc. I think i'll continue to hang out with her but just be more chill and not expect anything out of it, I guess just stop trying as hard. I haven't known her long enough to really develop strong feelings, I'm just the kind of person that looks into the future a lot and plans things so to me knowing where things were going would be comforting, something like this may be good for me, at least it will be an experience and may build my confidence in the bedroom back up. Anyway, thanks for the replies guys, obviously anymore advice is welcomed and I appreciate every response. 1
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 He always told me he wanted to remain single forever - yet he had a girlfriend during the time we weren't seeing each other in the summer. and that part of the story proves that when they are ready to explore a relationship you're not necessarily the one they will pick. Actually most of the time they don't pick their fwb.
GoreSP Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 and that part of the story proves that when they are ready to explore a relationship you're not necessarily the one they will pick. Actually most of the time they don't pick their fwb. Exactly. But that works for everyone. He was my FMB because I didn't want a relationship with him either. Was working fine until he became more and more self centered in bed - then I flushed him and found someone else. lol FWB are rebounds in a way...lol
Marks Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 She didn't tell me I don't ever want anything she said "I'm just confused right now but that doesn't mean I won't change my mind in the future" we never straight up talked about being exclusive we were just talking about relationships in general and not necessary us but we were both very drunk so I feel like I should revisit the subject when were not drunk. I had a girl basically tell me the same thing once...the whole, "I don't want to be exclusive right now, but that doesn't mean I won't change my mind in the future" spiel. If those words ever come out of a woman's mouth you should automatically assume that what she is actually trying to say is that she doesn't want a relationship with you and wants to keep it casual (i.e. still be able to date other men). I learned this the hard way (major heartache on my part). Gosh, I hope this isn't the same girl we're both talking about, haha 1
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