Author compulsivedancer Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Anyone else? The responses so far are great. I think this thread got a little overshadowed by my other one, but I would still really like to hear from any other BSs or WSs who are in or past year two. In addition to the questions I asked initially, it would be helpful to have some insight into the rest of the path…what else do I have to look forward to (good OR bad)? So much of this forum is about that initial post-DDay coping. It would be wonderful to get more insight into what reconciliation looks like for couples who've been there.
Bittersweetie Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 In addition to the questions I asked initially, it would be helpful to have some insight into the rest of the path…what else do I have to look forward to (good OR bad)? So much of this forum is about that initial post-DDay coping. It would be wonderful to get more insight into what reconciliation looks like for couples who've been there. We're four years out from d-day and I think the most important positive change in our relationship is communication. We communicated before, but I'm not sure if either of us really talked, or really listened. After talking about the A, and everything else, there is nothing that we won't talk about. Maybe sometimes we talk about things too much! In seriousness, I've found it's important to keep the lines of communication open and share whatever feelings with one's spouse. I think it creates a stronger connection and relationship.
Snowflower Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Anyone else? The responses so far are great. I think this thread got a little overshadowed by my other one, but I would still really like to hear from any other BSs or WSs who are in or past year two. In addition to the questions I asked initially, it would be helpful to have some insight into the rest of the path…what else do I have to look forward to (good OR bad)? So much of this forum is about that initial post-DDay coping. It would be wonderful to get more insight into what reconciliation looks like for couples who've been there. I'm a little late to the thread but anyway my thoughts...I agree it is good to have some threads out here for those couples who are a year or two or more past d-day. There are a lot of us here! Year 2 was "The Land of Confusion" for me. Seriously, I was very confused (I was a BS) emotionally that 2nd year as well as my H kind of gave up on things ever getting better which didn't help. By the 18-24 month point neither of us was sure we could continue to recover our marriage. What helped us? Well, we moved to a different state due to my husband's new job. That helped a lot. Just by selling and moving out of our old home with all those painful memories helped tremendously. I didn't miss that house, which we had remodeled and worked so hard to make ours, until recently. Now, I miss our old house but I think that is more a final stage of the healing process. I think you said you just bought a house so what I just wrote might not apply to you, CD but a BIG change of some sort might really help you guys look more to the future and less to the past. In year two, you just need to hold him close, let him vent/talk when he needs to (encourage him to do this) and maybe plan some fun things to make new memories. Maybe a vacation or a bunch of long weekend trips, go see some sporting events if you like that type of thing, or try something new. What I found helped more than anything was the gradual passing of time. It was what brought me slowly to acceptance. The gradual influx of new, happy memories and experiences in the intervening years, along with a lot of solitary reflection and heart to heart talks with my H also helped. Hang in there during year 2. As many have said here and I wholeheartedly concur, it is the hardest year. Do not despair or give up on the idea that things will get better. They very likely will! 3
drifter777 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 CD: response to your question to me on the NC thread. This question - the 2 year thing - is off base because the TIME FRAME DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING! You can't compare your situation and path to resolution (whatever that turns out to be) with the path that others have tried. Each man processes the betrayal differently and what helped for one guy might make the next guy crazy. And "forward" doesn't preclude divorce because recovery should be the goal for both of you - wherever that takes your relationship. By far; and I mean BY FAR; the best advice I can give you is DON'T try to manage his recovery. It is much more effective to simply be willing to do whatever you can to make it up to him. And, again, what that means to you is different than what it means to the next WW. Hustling around to keep the house clean, mixing him a drink, and cooking his favorite supper is not "making it up to him". These are things you might do to ease your own guilt but do nothing to rebuild trust. Trying to read his emotions and decipher what they mean is a frustrating waste of energy. Realize that he doesn't think or process like you. Rebuilding trust is much, much more than being an open book - although that's part of it. The trust thing is deeper than the obvious "I'll help you verify I am not cheating anymore". It's rebuilding that part of his mind (and soul) that believed your sex life was special. Because you promised not to give that sex to anyone but him is what made it special. He trusted you to be true to him. He allowed himself to be completely vulnerable about this primitive part of him; something that is part of his DNA. That cannot be restored and for you to acknowledge that fact and show him you will try to patch up that hole in his soul might be the only thing that will make reconciliation work for you - or anyone else for that matter. This part of reconciliation is never ending. Just as he will have to forgive you all over again after every trigger, you will have to acknowledge the deep wound you caused and keep trying to patch it up. No time-frame to this process. This doesn't mean you prostrate yourself forever because of the affair, but when he triggers you need to really be there for him. These triggers diminish as you show him you truly understand the depth of the hurt. For your life-after-affair to "feel" as if it is moving forward you have to let go of whatever metric it is you are using to measure "forward". Work on trust and patching that hole in his soul and you both have a good chance to recover. 3
bosunmate Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Keep in mind that you are still early in the process, it takes between 3-5 years to get through it. The first few years there is a lot PTSD going on with thoughts and feelings. But with honesty you can rebuild your marriage to be stronger and the love will be more deeper than before. You will never forget, why would you it destroyed you, but if you really love each other enough you will make it. There are dozens of successful stories on here. I wish you nothing but smooth sailing through this year but that's not going to happen we all ready know that. But your still here so you must love her a lot...Goodluck to you and may you have more peace of mind this year... 1
drifter777 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Keep in mind that you are still early in the process, it takes between 3-5 years to get through it. The first few years there is a lot PTSD going on with thoughts and feelings. I'm sure there is some research to back up this 3 - 5 year thing, but it can only be determined in hind-sight. While you are in the moment - going through the process - it's not the time to start counting months with the idea that if you can just hang on until 3 - 5 years everything will be ok. It's never the time that passes, it's what you do with that time. Ten years from now, whether you stay married or not, you might be able to look back and say "after 5 years the damage from the affair began to be secondary in our relationship". But it could be 4 years or 10 years. It's not the amount of time that's important. 1
Confused48 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Just starting year two and although I am more at peace my mind does drift towards do I really want this deeply damaged person for life. It's hard to explain but he is not the person I married, in some ways our relationship is deeper and stronger but in other ways the person revealed to me is not nearly as attractive as a life partner as he was when we married. This was really well written. Speaks to my situation. Thanks for getting it out so clearly. I appreciate the responses. Many people say the second year is harder than the first year, but the first part of the year was fairly smooth, so I thought maybe we would avoid it. But now I'm starting to see that it isn't over yet. It's all still there; he's just not talking about it any more, which in some ways makes it worse. And now the hysterical bonding is past, so there is no high to offset the low. I feel the second year is harder than the first, over all. Dday and the first few weeks were the worst part of my entire life though so..... It's very easy to wish him to "just get over it," but I know that's not the right response. I've just been at a loss as to what response would actually be helpful. It really does help to understand what's going through his head and what made a difference for people who have gone (or are going) through this. I don't think there is anything you can or need to do other than be in NC and be honest, etc. Getting over it will be his own work. And it may not happen. You two have made it longer than my wife and I did. I think you both deserve some credit for having done so. Your husband deseves credit for forgiveness and you deserve credit for having given him what he needed. And it's ok to celebrate those accomplishments and to be proud of them. I needed to hear this too. He's also smart enough to know that you're not the evil incarnate that we sometimes think of our wayward spouse (at least not anywhere near as much and as often as we did during year 1). Take comfort in this CD. It is true for me too. 2
ladydesigner Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 The best thing my fWH did during year 2 was just listen and be there for me. He was there every step of the way after REAL R was occurring and NC was established with the xMOW. A lot of year 2 was him proving over and over again that he was there and supporting me and honestly felt bad about how he failed our family. I received a sincere apology a year after final Dday and it really helped me. Plus the more we did together as a couple and US dating again has been helpful. 1
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