compulsivedancer Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 We were doing really great as the year flipped over. We passed DDay and all the affair anniversaries and holidays, etc are over. We bought a house, and as H said in his post, it really focused us on the future. But H is still feeling a lot of depression about everything. It's different, now, though, as there are no more answers. He's not asking me questions any more. He doesn't have the crushing level of depression he had before, but a lower-level ache. On my end it feels like distance between us. During the first year, he needed me. Now sometimes I think he's tolerating my presence. I don't think he regrets reconciling, but I think he's given up moving forward at the moment. I think now that the anger is not as strong, he's also facing the reality of losing his best friend. I think it's starting to be real that the friendship is gone forever. To the BSs out there who have/are reconciling: tell me about year 2 and what your needs were. What did your WS do that helped? To the WSs in reconcilation: how did you work through year 2 and what would you recommend?
Sub Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 To the BSs out there who have/are reconciling: tell me about year 2 and what your needs were. What did your WS do that helped? In my experience, it was more thought about the OM in year 2, less about dealing with my WW's actions. So I'm not surprised he's focused on his relationship with the OM/his friend. Whenever I would talk about it, all I wanted to know was that my feelings about him were somewhat valid in her eyes. Last thing I wanted to hear was any sort of defense. The simplest things helped, quite honestly. I didn't need her to apologize or feel the same way, as much as give me her time and an "I understand, baby." 2
Fluttershy Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 We healed a lot faster than te average couple. So I amnot sure my experience as a Bs year two is helpful. But for me it was a relief because all those first anniveraries were done. Time and distance on their own helped me. What my H did that probably helped was not bring up the A. Or apologize out of the blue anymore. So really, besides the stopping of apologies he continued to discuss the A when I needed to. I still feel you guys would benefit from MC. It could help with that void you are feeling between you. 2
thummper Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 CD, I am so sorry that things are not going smoothly for you and your hubby. I can only imagine how he must be feeling right now. I admired him so for staying together with you and trying to work out your reconciliation. Part of that admiration came from the fact that there is no way I could have done the same thing. A betrayal of that magnitude would have killed any feelings I would have had for my wife, especially considering the statement you made to him in the heat of the moment on D-day. But, you both showed that a couple, with great patience and love, could get past all of that and make a wonderful life together. I've been in your corner the whole time. And as far as the loss of his "friend"...some friend he turned out to be. Good riddance! Bless you both, and my very best wishes for your future together. It would be a true tragedy if, after all the work you've done as a couple, everything falls apart. 3
jnel921 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 17 months in and not exactly at the 2 year mark. I can say that this year I don't cry about it anymore but there is still something that is missing. It is hurtful to look at my H and know he could do this to me and our family. I question his intention often. Its difficult. We are in a better place where I do not have to worry about the OW. But because I know she tried to contact him earlier this year and saw his reaction it did make me feel some kind of way. It did confirm for me that he does not want to speak to her ever and he clearly does not care. I don't really ask him many questions anymore. However I really don't feel satisfied the missing puzzle pieces were explained in a way that I want to accept. But I have to. This could be an issue that keeps me feeling the way I do as well. Currently I have issues with confronting or meeting people who know what happened. I have to keep reminding myself that they have nothing to do with out M and to tune it out and continue to show that we are happy. My H still hurts over his bad choices. I understand. But I think we need more together time to reestablish some of the things we have lost. It doesn't happen overnight. It will take time. These are bumps in the road that we all have to go over when we decide to stay. When we do it together we just need to hold tight together and hope for the best. 3
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Year 2 was very hard for me. Most of my divorce thinking happened in year 2. As a BS, I had hoped that after the first year of hell, that there would be some relief going into year 2. I was depressed for most of year 2. After "losing it" a few times, I decided to go on AD. That saved me, especially going into the Holidays which are difficult for me. It's tough because I was already worn down from Year 1. I hit rock bottom that year. So many times I walked out of the house not knowing if I was coming back. During Year 3 I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Not so during Year 2. It was dark. 7
MuddyFootprints Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Year 2 was very hard for me. Most of my divorce thinking happened in year 2. As a BS, I had hoped that after the first year of hell, that there would be some relief going into year 2. I was depressed for most of year 2. After "losing it" a few times, I decided to go on AD. That saved me, especially going into the Holidays which are difficult for me. It's tough because I was already worn down from Year 1. I hit rock bottom that year. So many times I walked out of the house not knowing if I was coming back. During Year 3 I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Not so during Year 2. It was dark. Is there anything your WS could have done differently during the second year of reconciliation to help make it less dark for you?
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Is there anything your WS could have done differently during the second year of reconciliation to help make it less dark for you? Not really. The damage was done. She had to learn to let my depression run its course. She would want to "fix" it. I give her credit because every few weeks I would emotionally throw up on her. She handled that very well. Better than I would have if the roles were reversed. 7
ladydesigner Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Not really. The damage was done. She had to learn to let my depression run its course. She would want to "fix" it. I give her credit because every few weeks I would emotionally throw up on her. She handled that very well. Better than I would have if the roles were reversed. ^^^OMG this is so true. Word for word exactly the same with me. The beginning of year 2 all I thought about was D. I am entering year 3 now and have started to allow our friendship to deepen again. i can feel I am letting my guard back down. I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, but I still will trigger ( not often) and hurt at times. 3
katielee Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 The beginning of year 2 all I thought about was D.. me too. every day. and the emotional throw up comment; My husband is getting tired of it and it's only when I trigger. I get silence. he can't fix it so he won't respond. What he doens't get is that what I need is comfort but he's still stuck in shame... the attitude needs to be "we'll get through this together." Not "you need to get over this." So betrayed and stayed, you are lucky... 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Reaching acceptance is difficult. What a BS wants the most, is for the affair to have never happened. The ONLY thing a WS can never give, is for the affair to have never happened. And there you have it. A BS will never get what they truly want. All a WS has left to give, to offer....is to be honest, no more contact with AP, and to bear witness to their BS pain. When a WS falls short on those, the walls come up, the BS protects themselves....rightly so. For if a WS can/will not give the only things they have to offer to make amends.....why/how could a BS ever love/trust them again. We hear often of WS saying/posting ILYBNILWY towards their BS. I think that is exactly how a BS feels, once the initial trauma/learning the truth dies down. It is understandable, how could (a healthy individual) ever say they feel in love with the very person who hurt them so profoundly. Who is their WS? Can I trust ANYTHING they say? Is the WS acting in a way to earn that love back? You need to ask yourself, if there were any actions that you did to cause the distance. Is your husband justified in keeping up walls? 5
gettingstronger Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Just starting year two and although I am more at peace my mind does drift towards do I really want this deeply damaged person for life. It's hard to explain but he is not the person I married, in some ways our relationship is deeper and stronger but in other ways the person revealed to me is not nearly as attractive as a life partner as he was when we married. It's like I am out of survival mode and able to think more clearly and those thoughts aren't always pretty. We have talked about it quite a bit and it pains him to know how I feel about him as a person. I love him deeply so we continue to work through this, but honestly there are days when I don't like him too much. 2
ladydesigner Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Just starting year two and although I am more at peace my mind does drift towards do I really want this deeply damaged person for life. It's hard to explain but he is not the person I married, in some ways our relationship is deeper and stronger but in other ways the person revealed to me is not nearly as attractive as a life partner as he was when we married. It's like I am out of survival mode and able to think more clearly and those thoughts aren't always pretty. We have talked about it quite a bit and it pains him to know how I feel about him as a person. I love him deeply so we continue to work through this, but honestly there are days when I don't like him too much. Yes! This is a great way of describing it! I identified with so much of this post! 2
gettingstronger Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 CD, you asked for tips and I forgot to address that. All I can say is continue to be kind and honest and never, ever forget it was your actions that have lead up to where he is now mentally. Truly, I am not sure if my husband will ever be "out of the woods" when it comes to losing me. I am not saying I regret reconciliation or that I am not committed to it, I am just saying we are forever changed. He may of course choose to leave as well, so this isn't a power trip thing, it's just truth. 3
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 I appreciate the responses. Many people say the second year is harder than the first year, but the first part of the year was fairly smooth, so I thought maybe we would avoid it. But now I'm starting to see that it isn't over yet. It's all still there; he's just not talking about it any more, which in some ways makes it worse. And now the hysterical bonding is past, so there is no high to offset the low. It's very easy to wish him to "just get over it," but I know that's not the right response. I've just been at a loss as to what response would actually be helpful. It really does help to understand what's going through his head and what made a difference for people who have gone (or are going) through this.
Robert Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Let's keep the replies on topic, if you wish to post about the other thread running let's post it on that thread instead of being off topic on this one. Thanks A link to the other thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/411016-what-does-nc-mean-you-7.html 2
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Just starting year two and although I am more at peace my mind does drift towards do I really want this deeply damaged person for life. It's hard to explain but he is not the person I married, in some ways our relationship is deeper and stronger but in other ways the person revealed to me is not nearly as attractive as a life partner as he was when we married. It's like I am out of survival mode and able to think more clearly and those thoughts aren't always pretty. We have talked about it quite a bit and it pains him to know how I feel about him as a person. I love him deeply so we continue to work through this, but honestly there are days when I don't like him too much. H says this is closest to how he feels. 2
MuddyFootprints Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 We are well into the first quarter of our second year and while we aren't directly focussed on the infidelity part of our marriage, I am concerned that my husband is becoming complacent. We seem to be slipping into old patterns of communication and I am feeling placated rather than heard and understood. I am suggesting marriage councelling at this point, though we have never had success with it. I am thinking that since we are not currently in crisis and knowing we have some basic communication issues to work through it could be of benefit. He isn't too open to that idea at this point and thinks that once we start getting busier here I will be more satisfied. He is not resenting me or regretting our choice to reconcile, but he is not hearing me, either.
BetrayedH Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 You two have made it longer than my wife and I did. I think you both deserve some credit for having done so. Your husband deseves credit for forgiveness and you deserve credit for having given him what he needed. And it's ok to celebrate those accomplishments and to be proud of them. I think it's normal for your H to have removed you from the pedestal, to be pretty bummed about it, and to wonder if you're worth it. His image and view of you has changed. He's probably smart enough to know that you shouldn't have been up on that pedestal anyway. He's also smart enough to know that you're not the evil incarnate that we sometimes think of our wayward spouse (at least not anywhere near as much and as often as we did during year 1). I think the challenge is that he's trying to come to grips with who you are now and he has to decide if he wants to be married to that person for the rest of his life. That's really hard for him to do since his view of you changes a lot (he's still processing a trauma) and because you are changing on purpose with the intent of being a better person. So, he must ask himself if he wants to spend the rest of his life with the person that you eventually become at the end if all of this. He is trying to predict the future and determine if you're a safe bet. That's a very tall order and a very big investment and he's been burned on that investment once. I think one of the most concerning and recent issues really does have to do with your researching of the OM. Your H summarized it as really being afraid that you just don't have the tools to fix yourself. I think your main challenge now is continuing to convince him that you do. Once you got angry in that thread, you really did (eventually) explain WHY you were doing it and that gave me a lot of relief (that it was much more about introspective processing of the whole scenario rather than pining away for the OM). Your previous answers that you had just been 'stupid' really weren't cutting it because that just tells your H that he is right to think that you don't have the tools to stop. It's very dangerous to let him reach that conclusion because year two and beyond is less about survival mode and much more about making the right decision for the rest of his life. So, I think the key now is to show your husband that the woman you are becoming is completely worth marrying and staying with for the rest of his days. As wisely mentioned by a previous poster, complacency is probably the most common pitfall in year two. It's common for the wayward to finally take a breath, feel like he's getting over it, that he's not going to divorce you, and that can send the message that you're done working on it. Your proclamation that "we're not getting divorced" is not a wise statement because I'm not sure that your husband is there yet when he just recently was questioning if you have the tools to become the woman he needs you to be. It sounded dangerously close to complacency (even though I know better). Fortunately, I don't think you're really getting complacent. That's somewhat demonstrated by the fact that you started this thread. For whatever reason, I think your view of the OM is also a pretty critical factor in your husband's analysis (and has been since the beginning). That also helps me understand why you would have continued to delve into your thoughts about the OM. For what it's worth from an outside perspective, I see your OM and his wife as having used you for their own entertainment in their own bizarre and dysfunctional relationship and when it went south, they discarded you out like trash. I think your H feels the same and he's waiting to see if you will, too. If you can't and continue to romanticize that situation, he may continue to see you as vulnerable to falling for it again. If possible, quit processing and analyzing the OM. It was tawdry sex in a dysfunctional and unhealthy marriage. Keep doing like you recently said, focus on pictures of you and your husband in a healthy and happy relationship that lasts for years to come, free of any such nonsense. Otherwise, keep doing many of the things you did in year one (transparency, small reassurances, anticipating triggers, expressing empathy, etc) and make it through to year three. Frankly, I'm glad to see you two investing in a home together and having discussions of children and a family. My gut says that you two will eventually be one of the examples of a fully reconciled couple here that went thru hell but in the end, don't at all regret your decisions to stay. In that 2-5 year process, I don't think it will take you five and you're not yet at two. Keep doing the right things and I think you'll find that you're both much happier at the 2-3 year mark, much like the other fully reconciled couples that did it the right way. 10
gettingstronger Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 H says this is closest to how he feels. I am glad I could help verbalize it for you-I know its painful to read that maybe you have lost your "shine" with him-it pains me to feel like this about my husband-its not all gloom and doom, its just realization and acceptance- I had no idea that the acceptance phase would be so difficult- Good luck to both of you- 4
Bittersweetie Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I think it's normal for your H to have removed you from the pedestal, to be pretty bummed about it, and to wonder if you're worth it. His image and view of you has changed. He's probably smart enough to know that you shouldn't have been up on that pedestal anyway. He's also smart enough to know that you're not the evil incarnate that we sometimes think of our wayward spouse (at least not anywhere near as much and as often as we did during year 1). I think the challenge is that he's trying to come to grips with who you are now and he has to decide if he wants to be married to that person for the rest of his life. That's really hard for him to do since his view of you changes a lot (he's still processing a trauma) and because you are changing on purpose with the intent of being a better person. So, he must ask himself if he wants to spend the rest of his life with the person that you eventually become at the end if all of this. He is trying to predict the future and determine if you're a safe bet. That's a very tall order and a very big investment and he's been burned on that investment once. Hi CD, I just want to second this from BH. My H did struggle a bit in year 2 on whether he wanted to be with me...things had calmed down. I think we were still both holding back a little in case things didn't work out. So I went all in and after that things improved a lot with us. We still had our talk times, though not as regularly, talking about us and things important to us...not necessarily about the A or its aftermath. We just continued to communicate and be open with each other. Good luck! 4
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 BetrayedH, thank for your words. I think you may be mixing my story up a bit (perhaps you're thinking of Coolit?). OM's (long term) GF was never knowingly involved in our A and was devastated when she found out. 2
BetrayedH Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 BetrayedH, thank for your words. I think you may be mixing my story up a bit (perhaps you're thinking of Coolit?). OM's (long term) GF was never knowingly involved in our A and was devastated when she found out. Lol. My apologies for that one. Good grief. It might be time for me to retire.
janedoe67 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 CD, the first year of recovery is such an intense thing. There are the really intense lows....but there is also hysterical bonding, desperation to "reclaim," outpourings of emotion. Year two is the GRIND. The big emotional displays have settled down. Hysterical bonding is over. The big dust has settled, and for the first time you can really see CLEARLY all the ramifications of the A and the fact that it will ALWAYS be part of the past. I think that is part of what makes it hard. When someone runs a marathon, those first few miles really aren't so hard, then you hit the wall, but when you push through, there are the endorphins. However, at some point even the endorphins fade, and it just becomes....damn hard. That to me is year two. There's no emotional high to interrupt the tough stuff. It's just plain old repair work. Keep doing all the compassionate and honest and healing things you were doing in year 1 and look at the big picture. Try not to over-analyse every bad day, and instead look at the ultimate goal and keep going. 6
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Lol. My apologies for that one. Good grief. It might be time for me to retire. No problem. It's hard to keep track of the details sometimes! 1
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