sharsh Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 It's been forever since I've been here. Mostly because my ex found my account here, and read everything. He searched my username, I use it for everything.. that was so devastating, that he had read all of my "thoughts" on here. I felt violated. Anyway.. I've been fine. Really. I could talk about him without feeling that horrible pain in my chest. I just felt annoyed, because everything came back to him, having spent like 4-5 years with him, all of my recent memories, everything I've done, was with him. So he'd randomly pop up in conversations, it was annoying, but I was fine. January he contacted me, the first time in months, and showed up at my house. I kept up a good front, acted like it didn't bother me, we talked "caught up", we didn't do anything physical, except hug when he left. I got a hold of him a few days later, and told him I couldn't do this. Leave me alone. Unless he was trying to repair our relationship. Don't call me for anything. He's got a girlfriend, he's been with (living with) since we broke up in October 2012. He's selfish. He pops up every few months, it's like he's got us both. I've told him all of this, and told him how unfair it is to me, to give me false hope. He left me alone since January, up until a few days ago. He called me, because "he was in the neighborhood, and was thinking about me." I repeatedly told him how selfish he was, to contact me after our last conversation. He kept asking me what he could do to make it better, to make me feel better. I told him "come back home." he said "it's complicated" (whatever.) I told him I still feel the same, and he told me "I feel the same as you do." And I just repeated myself, to come back home if he really feels the same way, just to be met with the same response, complicated. I think he's confused. He doesn't know what he wants. But during that conversation I told him he can't have his cake and eat it too; he can't have both of us. When the convo ended, he said "Talk to you later". I'm dreading the next time he calls me. I contacted one of our mutual friends, and asked him to ask my ex to call me. I want to talk to him face to face. I want to end this vicious cycle. I don't know if what I'm doing is the right way, or the wrong way. I'm sure I'll cry. I'll be sad. But hell, I'm already there again after our last talk. I'm tired of being strung along, I can't move on when he pops up out of the blue every few months. I don't want to love anyone else, I won't let myself love anyone else. I've tried. I can't. I just want him. I told him how I feel, and asked him multiple times to leave me alone, and quit being selfish, but I haven't changed my number, because I always have that tiny bit of hope he will come back to me, and I want him to be able to reach me... It's that false hope he's been feeding me. My plan is to tell him to choose, and if it's not me, that's fine, but I'm changing my number, and telling him to never "show up" at my house again. I just feel so emotionally damaged by him. I won't open up to anyone else. I won't let any other relationship begin, before I push them away. There's still a big empty hole in my chest from when he left me, and it still hasn't gone away..
BC1980 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Okay, first off he has chosen, and it's the other girl. Don't ask him to choose because that's torture. Don't do that to yourself. Second, you must let go of the hope because it's clearly killing you. You are holding yourself back in that way. He left you and immediately moved in with someone else, yet you would still take him back at the drop of a hat. He's not in a relationship with you, yet you cling to his memories and won't allow yourself to move on. Don't answer the door or the phone next time. It's a choice. 2
Author sharsh Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 You're right, he already has chosen. I don't know how to let go though. I feel so hopeless, I really do. I talk myself up in my head, and tell myself all the reasons why I should let go. And still, I can't. That's why I feel so broken, and stuck. As much as I know it will suck, for me, I still want to say goodbye, and tell him to his face, how I really feel, and why he can't and shouldn't contact me anymore. Then force myself to get my number changed.
No Limit Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 No offense but I believe you haven't been hurt enough considering that you're still emotionally clinging to him. 1
stillafool Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Change all of your contact information if you truly want to move on. Until you do that you are just talking. 1
Elias33 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 What all the other have said. One other thing. Him being confused is going to drag you to a place you don't want to be. Let him be confused on his own, it is really his problem, not yours. He has indeed already chosen, a choice he may or may not live with, but none the less, a choice he has to live with as well. Don't risk losing your self-worth, your happiness, and self-esteem. No conversation needs to take place for that, just stop picking up the phone, and stop replying to his texts; no good can come from it. This guy is not coming back, and even if, for how long? Good luck and stay strong. 1
BC1980 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 (edited) You're right, he already has chosen. I don't know how to let go though. I feel so hopeless, I really do. I talk myself up in my head, and tell myself all the reasons why I should let go. And still, I can't. That's why I feel so broken, and stuck. As much as I know it will suck, for me, I still want to say goodbye, and tell him to his face, how I really feel, and why he can't and shouldn't contact me anymore. Then force myself to get my number changed. I went through hell with my ex who was also confused and giving out mixed signals. Basically, he broke up with me but was saying he wouldn't sell my engagement ring back yet. He wasn't sure, but he didn't want to be together at that time. He just wanted see what happened, but he would then say for me to date other people. Then, he got jealous when he thought I was talking to someone else. I kept using the fact that he kept the ring as some twisted sign that he might change his mind. That ring was very special to me because I had picked it out, and it was exactly what I wanted down to a tee. With people who are confused, they have already made a choice. They are not confused. They want you as a backup plan, or they want to force you into cutting contact so they don't have to feel like sh*t about doing it. I kept wanting my ex to tell me that it was over, and we would never get back together. I thought that was the only way I would ever let go and move on. After months, I realized that I actually had the power to move on. Making the decision to do NC was so hard. It killed me, but I knew that it was for my own good. It still took awhile to let go of hope, but it's happening. Everyday, I remind myself of reality. He doesn't want me, and it's painful as hell to admit that. But you have to feel that pain and work through it. Don't avoid it. That's the only way to get through this. Right now, you are avoiding the grief process because it's so painful. It's so final. However, you don't have a choice. It will bring you to your knees in pain some days, especially when the full force of your new reality hits you. But you will get up and live to see another day. I used to hope that I could even see the sun again, and I wasn't sure I would. I wasn't sure that I could find any good left in this life, but I'm slowly finding it. It's a marathon, and I have good and bad days. Edited March 17, 2014 by BC1980 1
Author sharsh Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 No offense but I believe you haven't been hurt enough considering that you're still emotionally clinging to him. Change all of your contact information if you truly want to move on. Until you do that you are just talking. What all the other have said. One other thing. Him being confused is going to drag you to a place you don't want to be. Let him be confused on his own, it is really his problem, not yours. He has indeed already chosen, a choice he may or may not live with, but none the less, a choice he has to live with as well. Don't risk losing your self-worth, your happiness, and self-esteem. No conversation needs to take place for that, just stop picking up the phone, and stop replying to his texts; no good can come from it. This guy is not coming back, and even if, for how long? Good luck and stay strong. I went through hell with my ex who was also confused and giving out mixed signals. Basically, he broke up with me but was saying he wouldn't sell my engagement ring back yet. He wasn't sure, but he didn't want to be together at that time. He just wanted see what happened, but he would then say for me to date other people. Then, he got jealous when he thought I was talking to someone else. I kept using the fact that he kept the ring as some twisted sign that he might change his mind. That ring was very special to me because I had picked it out, and it was exactly what I wanted down to a tee. With people who are confused, they have already made a choice. They are not confused. They want you as a backup plan, or they want to force you into cutting contact so they don't have to feel like sh*t about doing it. I kept wanting my ex to tell me that it was over, and we would never get back together. I thought that was the only way I would ever let go and move on. After months, I realized that I actually had the power to move on. Making the decision to do NC was so hard. It killed me, but I knew that it was for my own good. It still took awhile to let go of hope, but it's happening. Everyday, I remind myself of reality. He doesn't want me, and it's painful as hell to admit that. But you have to feel that pain and work through it. Don't avoid it. That's the only way to get through this. Right now, you are avoiding the grief process because it's so painful. It's so final. However, you don't have a choice. It will bring you to your knees in pain some days, especially when the full force of your new reality hits you. But you will get up and live to see another day. I used to hope that I could even see the sun again, and I wasn't sure I would. I wasn't sure that I could find any good left in this life, but I'm slowly finding it. It's a marathon, and I have good and bad days. You're all right. And thank you BC, for sharing your own story with me. hugs, your way. I was having a moment of weakness, to be honest. That's why I came here. Everyone always knows how to give you that tough love you need when you don't really want to hear it. I appreciate everyone's brutal honesty. If he calls, he calls. I won't pick up. It's just the past calling, and it never has anything new to say. Never has, in these last 5 years. It never changes. So why continue to torture myself? He's not holding me back from anything, I'm holding myself back. After reading the replies here, talking with my grandparents about it, and receiving some very very tough love from a very good friend who knows the situation inside out... I realize nothing is ever going to change, this road always leads to the same destination, and I don't like it. So I need to re-route. Just wanted to say thank you, to everyone who replied, and gave me that love and caring I needed yesterday. It really was a hard day. I spent all day and night over thinking it, and arrived to this answer with everyones help. This is why I love LS. 1
BC1980 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Just keep up the NC. It's sometimes not so difficult to make a vow of NC, but you have to be in this for the long haul. It gets harder as the months go on, so be prepared.
mea_M Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 You're right, he already has chosen. I don't know how to let go though. I feel so hopeless, I really do. I talk myself up in my head, and tell myself all the reasons why I should let go. And still, I can't. That's why I feel so broken, and stuck. As much as I know it will suck, for me, I still want to say goodbye, and tell him to his face, how I really feel, and why he can't and shouldn't contact me anymore. Then force myself to get my number changed. All normal feelings in the letting go process. Hey...we are human and it hurts. Best thing for ya, get distracted with more positive and productive things in life. Close the lid on the box, and look at it as a learning experience. You'll get there. My best to you. Mea :-)
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