A huge aniexty problem for me

[wildflower_z]

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I have been married for little over 2 years. This spring I asked my husband to leave because I couldn't walk around with the pain I was feeling anymore. I filed papers for a divorce, but I just wanted a reaction out of him to try for us. Not the best way to go about it. No attention, no communication, no domectic or financial support. I just felt like a roommate. So, he leaves and during that time he comes back, but reads my diary and finds out I had a one night stand. I know that is not an easy thing to find, but we were separated.

 

Also we went to counseling, but we never finished and the thing I find out in counseling is that his Ex cheated on him 7 times before they got married. So all his feelings about that time resurfaced and instead of working together to help our situation work. He puts all her blame 10 fold on top of me. He told me he forgave me on Christmas and then took it back a week later.

 

Now he's left for the second time on January 6, I am new here, so please bear with me. I had to let him go so he would look into himself, make himself feel better, look into his childhood and couldn't stay with me because he saw my pain.

 

So, almost a year I have been living with this pain and I am so upset more than I ever thought possible. We entered into counseling again, but it is determined that we seek individual counseling first because he needs to look into himself before he can love me how I should be loved.

 

Counseling was last Wednesday, a week has gone by since I saw him, but we did talk about once a day, trivial things. He is cooking dinner for me tonight and said that we would go to the movies on Friday night.

 

He says that he still loves me and he will help with the bills as our rent is big, we will go on dates, but he just needs time away to get himself together. I don't know how to do this by myself.

 

I don't like to be alone. I need attention, not a ton, but just to know someone cares. I know my 13 year old daughter does, but you know what I mean. I am extremely worried about the future and how I could think of taking care of all our bills in this house.

[kypepeo]

He's been through a lot and he needs time to heal. The way I see things, what you two are doing is great so far.Seeking counselling and going on dates, taking it slow, that's the right thing to do. I can see that you need to feel loved but if you really love this man then you'll be there for him now that he needs you. Put yourself in his shoes and sacrifice your emotional needs for a while so that you can truly give him the love that he needs right now.

 

It's good that he's helping with the bills. Try as much as possible to se how you can keep expenses down until things get back to normal so that you won't have to stress so much. Remove all the clutter form your life. You have enough to worry about as it is. Look for a good friend that you can unburden yourself to or come here to loveshack. You'll always find a shoulder to lean on

[wildflower_z]

Ok, if you only knew about our past. What about my emotional needs at this time? I stood by him when he was messed up financially and put together the home we have now. He is living rent free and doesn't see all the bills. Isn't being married, commitment, for the other person?

[imokurnot]

That is for sure. He isn't helping with the mortgage at all? Have you sat down and discussed splitting the bills that are incurred together or at least for the household things like mortgage, electric, cable, dsl, etc etc.? You said he no longer lives at the house is he back? Or how is he living rent free? If you end up divorced what would be the plan for the house? Sell it and split the equity? If so then he should pay half of the mortgage because it is an investment. If you can afford it and it has been determined you and your daughter were to keep it then depending on his initial investment...? See where I am going with this? You say he shouldn't live rent free etc. We have no idea of the situation and how the responsibilities are broken down. No idea of how the equity or profits are going to be distributed. We have no idea if the house will be sold or you will retain it. It's pretty hard to give that type of advice without knowing the particulars and that is way too much info for a forum in my opinion.

 

Now your emotional needs are a different story. This sounds like it isn't fair, it isn't but you are responsible for your own emotional state. You helped him through his tough times because you wanted to and were willing to do it for him. I assume he didn't force you to help him through them. You did it because you love him and are a good person. That has to be enough. Being true to yourself and giving without expectation of ever getting anything back is a gift in and of itself. You can't expect him to do what you did for him. Would it be nice if he saw it that way and did things like that? Sure it would, but you can't expect it or you will drive yourself crazy and build resentment toward him down the line. You did some good things for him and of that you should be proud. Sounds like your a good person and you love him very much. Give him space and time to see that. I have a feeling he will if given the time and freedom to figure it all out.

 

Good luck!

[wildflower_z]

Ok, we pay rent of $1,200.00 a month not including utilities, which add up to another $300.00 or more. I don't have any way of keeping the bills lower because it's winter. We have no credit card debt, but he has bad debt that we are suppose to be paying on a weekly basis. I also need to buy food and gas. We had a notice to quit for February 15th, because we were behind in December. He acknowledges that this is his fault.

 

I can't just pick up and move in the middle of winter, I have two dogs, a cat and a 13 year old daughter. How many landlord's except pets and where would I get the money?

 

At the moment, I have a job interview for Monday morning, which is part-time. I started a cleaning business in June, most of my summer people live far away and won't be back until then. So I created new flyers, more cards and put them everywhere I could. I had two new clients call last week, so I could clean in the morning and work in the afternoons. My bank account has about $50.00 in it.

 

He told me he would call a newspaper advertising editor, that he knows and ask about putting an ad in the paper for my cleaning business. This he said he would do last Tuesday, today is Sunday and I have emailed him to ask, but no response. I am always waiting for him to put money in the bank, he said he would put money in two weeks ago and then again on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and finally he puts it in on Friday morning. So, I wait for two weeks. So, February's Rent is paid, but the phone, cable, internet, electric are all due.

 

We have talked and he said he would help me with the bills, but I was told by someone else that as of March; I am on my own. This I need to know from him, he has to communicate this with me. How do I ask for what I am feeling? For example, how do I ask for him to open up and tell me his feelings? I am not a mind reader. I am only human with emotions and feelings. When he says he is going to spend time with me, I am told, "Well, maybe on Saturday or Sunday. Saturday comes and he goes to a log home show. Now, tomorrow he can't meet me until noon or later. I am always put off. Shouldn't I have a firm commitment from him?

 

I don't want to play tit for tat. If someone says that they are going to do something they should do it.

[wildflower_z]

Oh, forgot to tell you that everything in this house is mine. I didn't have much when we were first together, he had clothes and I had everything else. I worked my butt off and bought and sold land to get where we are today. He is now making $1,000/wk and he is living rent free because he is staying at a summer home that is owned by a gentleman that he did work for. It's a big house with all the bells and whistles. This man is also very nice to me and calls me from time to time to ask how I am.

 

I was very successful a year ago, but that job felt wrong to me because they didn't want to advertise where I am. I couldn't keep shoveling out my money in order to create a presense here for the company. So, I quit, I wasn't being compensated for my efforts.

 

So, this summer when we had a $900.00/rent I cleaned houses, worked for a lawyer two mornings a week and waitressed. He didn't want me to get a roommate so he had to contribute and this was expressed by our counselor at that time. Now, I had two interviews in December, both of which fell through. I am doing everything I can so that I will have some of my own money again. I am also going to school online which I started in November.

 

These are some reasons why this is so hard to understand.

[wildflower_z]

My husband has been seeing his own counselor, because we are separated. His counselor told him to have NC with me. How does that help our marriage if we are suppose to work on it. My husband doesn't fully agree and I don't understand.

 

I don't know how to wait for him to figure out why he is the way he is. Please refer to my post of "A huge anxiety problem for me"...

 

He knows that when he figures it out he may have to say "goodbye" anyway. My heart is already broken, but I still want my marriage to work. What do I do?

[kypepeo]

He's clearly causing you too much pain and you have to take care of you first or everything will come crashing around you. He definately has issues but he has to deal with who he is himself. Don't do this to yourself. Leave!! Move on with your life and stop the stressing

[wildflower_z]

I don't know how to leave him behind, I love him and I don't want to give up.

 

Why would a counselor say NO CONTACT?

[haulassemma]

i like what you had to say,i dont need a lot of attention,but enough to know they care.im now 42 single,never married,moved from san antonio to wisconsin to be with my high school sweetheart shes also 40 no kids,never been married,and for 3 years her dogs were #1,not me.this break-up is hell,living in the same house until she moves and then im alone again.like you ,i dont do well being alone.i know im a good guy,attractive,blah,blah but when will i find love ? see ya jeff

[wildflower_z]

[font=courier new][/font][color=green][/color]I just wish I could wake up from this bad dream. I wish we could just put all of this behind us and go on like adults. I wish I could hate him. But I don't, it would be so much easier.

 

He made dinner for me last night and I was able to take a nice bath at the house he is living at. I forgot my watch and he is supposed to drop it off to me today. His birthday is on Monday, Valentines Day??!?!?!?

 

I understand your pain and we both deserve so much more, its just that this is the hardest of what life has thrown our way to endure. Pain of rejection, learning to cope and finding ourselves again. I just don't comprehend the attitude.

 

When I am standing here naked with all my faults that he is stamping on my spirit, so much so, that I can't see the light through the tunnel.

 

I made a list last night of things that I don't like about him, all the little idiosyncrycies and it came to 60 items. I also made a list of ways that he doesn't fulfill my needs and that came to over 25. A friend of mine, asked me to do that favor for myself. To print it out, take it with me & look at it.

 

It is quite incredible to look at those lists and think that I don't deserve something better for myself. I know deep down I do.

 

I know that I shouldn't settle for less than I deserve and neither should you. We wouldn't want our friends to either. I just want this pain to be over and done with.

 

My worst fear is that my daughter and I will be homeless and I will lose everything I worked so hard for. I don't make enough money at the moment to support us. I can't get any help from the town or state unless we are legally separated.

 

I told him this, but it sink in. He told me last night that he is going to Florida at the end of the month for a week to help his boss's brother out on his new house.

 

He stood here and told us both that he didn't want a divorce, he didn't want to lose either one of us. He tells me he loves me, but how can I go on with this relationship?His actions don't support him.