DopeyMinkry Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 (edited) Hello all, this is my first post. Just found the community and decided to reach for advice. First, a bit of backstory. I met her while working on a cruise ship. We are both from different countries, one night she kissed me while at the ship's club and we went to the open deck were we made out all night. We started having sex, just casually, and after a month or so, it was her idea to be in a committed relationship (she said "when I am seeing somebody, I only see that person and would like you to so the same") and I agreed coz I really really liked her. however, while we were in a relationship, she was kinda stayofish in public. Like embarrassed of being seen with me, distant and cold, but in private she was amazing. Tender and always willing to have sex and everything. I asked at some point about it and confessed she had issues with showing affection due to bad relationships in the past (she was cheated and toyed with plenty times). I was like, ok, it'll take time. No big deal. The relationship continued and things didnt change, once I was at a bar with her and she left with her girlfriends without saying a word to me, I was like "where did she go?" And some coworker said she left with her girls. I felt a bit bad and angry and went back to my cabin and next morning she came to apologize and gave me the best fellatio in the world, after that she was like "well, now that we are cool, I'll go", and left. And every time I had an issue she would just blow me or have sex with me instead of talking. As if that was her way of dealing with things. A couple times we broke up but each and every time she came asking to get back together. And I accepted, since I was crazy about her. The end of our respective contracts on the cruise ship was coming near and started talking about what was next. I wanted to continue but she said it was best if we just leave it as a nice romantic affair while our contract lasted and that was it. I agreed but was torn inside. We said good bye in years, made love for last time and I even confessed to her she was my first love, which made her cry. She even said "please don't say that, I feel terrible". It was a very emotional farewell. So we left the ship. She flew to her home country and I did to my own and the first couple days were terrible, emailing about how we miss each other, etc. I even said I could fly to see her in no time but she rejected the idea. And I was like "why, if we both miss each other??" But she was adamant in not being together anymore. So, in those days one of her close friends on the ship told me she had cheated on me in one of those nights she was partying with her girlfriends I confronted her, she denied so I went through her emails and Facebook (big mistake I know) and told her about it. She couldn't deny it anymore and she said she regretted and knew she ruined every chance we had and asked me to let her go and not contact her again. it's been 4 years since that and there hasn't been a single day I don't think of her. Not always emotionally. Haven't cried about it in the last 3 years, well maybe once in a while, but the heartache is not the same as in the beginning She blocked me off Facebook and everything but I went to great lengths and opened another account just to get glimpses of her life and right after me she started another relationship I have followed closely (she doesn't now about it) and they are engaged now, she even posted a photo taken in a cruise ship while the two of them were on vacation. This made me mad, as if this is some kind of sick joke. I see her fiancé and I cannot help but feeling usurped. I feel he is living the life I was supposed to have. Worst of all, I feel like she didnt pay for what she did. I think "wasn't she supposed to get karma and be unhappy?, she is the one who did wrong and seem to be so happy while I am not??" She also mentioned that due to past hurts she was unable to show love and feel love but now she seems to be happy. Was I just the one who "fixed" her? Did I just prepare her for something better?? I understand (rationally) that since she cheated , she was disrespectful and I dodged a bullet and that I deserve better. But I don't know how to move on from that. I still miss her body, miss her sexually. Every time I kiss or have sex with someone else I just fell like am kissing or f*ing a piece of meat. I only get truly worked up when I remember her body, still remember her breast, the shape of her hips, the taste of her skin... I haven't been able to feel what I felt for her, in those days when true love seemed possible. Since we are in different countries I haven't seen her. No contact, and there is no chance we'll bump into each other but I still fantasize about seeing her again and by chance meeting at some airport. I fantasize about sleeping with her again and being able to do her in ways I didn't in the past. That's part of my frustration, I feel she cheated because I was not good in bed and now I want to see her and give her the shag of a lifetime. Sounds pathetic I know and I also now it's not realistic to think I will see her again, I just want to know what to do to carry on with my life. My world stopped since the day we said goodbye at the airport 4 years ago, and it was shattered when I knew of her cheating. Her life doesn't seem to have stopped a bit. Thank you in advance for any advice. Dopey Edited March 17, 2014 by DopeyMinkry
RDawg Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 wow that sucks, and not in a good way. she sounds like a bit of a wild one, and probably not the sort of person you would want to settle down with, what with her being unable to really engage you in an honest, emotional and supportive manner. She also sounds stronger than you, or should we say colder. I can relate. I am also pining for someone I should probably never have met in the first place. But you know what, it's all experience. Sorry but I have no solution for you, only sympathy.
Strength in Healing Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 You don't stop missing her because you follow her around still. You never truly shut her out, you are the one who left the door open for the pain.
Author DopeyMinkry Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 (edited) thanks guys for the replies i didnt mention that we were together for 4 months only... and i have suffered about 4 years already... it seems kinda ridiculous that it´s taken me so long to move on and be ready to love again,. specially when our relation ship was so short it has been the longest relationship i ever been (the only one actually), before her it was only one night stands or casual flings, friends with benefits, etc. She was (and has been) the only girl i have staued over at ther place and shes been the only girl to stayed over at mine, etc etc so there was a very strong emotional charge due to she was my first love I feel as if am still in a relationship with her. I still drive home lookinh gorward to tell her about my day, or thinking of sexy and playful jokes to tell her over the phone... when i have a big event coming up, (somebody elses weddigng, new years eve, etc) i still fantasize about attending with her... when i am shopping i still glance at the women section just to look stuff i know she would like (i havent bought a thing, i swear haha) but i still see jewerly and think ´she would really like that"... you get the picture. Since we didnt really say goodbye, or break up properly it does feel as if we are still together; even though its more than clear we are not I was 27 at the time and she was 24. Now am 31. Edited March 17, 2014 by DopeyMinkry
anemptycup Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Hey man, i've just had my first long term relationship break-up and i'm age 34 - she's 30 - we were together 3 years.... i've learned a lot in just 2 months - i would love to share in case it helps... basically dude - it's all about your thoughts - i know it sounds easier said than done - but, you are keeping her alive in your head because somewhere deep inside you haven't truly accepted that it's over - I have the same issue right now - and i think many of us do - i think it's just a natural sense of those memories and thoughts being all we have left, and it's hard to let go of them knowing it will be over once and for all when we do - but, the thing is dude... you really don't want to waste your life holding on - you'll be even more upset when you look back thinking of how much time you wasted on this... i've been working a lot on my thoughts - by trying to become AWARE of what i'm thinking - and stopping those thoughts - basically - the more you think about her - the longer you're going to make this last - simple as that - and the longer you do this - the longer you will condition your Sub Conscious mind into believing all these things you are thinking... my advice based on my limited experience with this very crushing topic is... step 1 ) work on accepting and really believing that it is over. (it's hard - but, you have to let go and turn away - say goodbye to her in your mind - do some kind of ritual or event to symbolize you saying goodbye - write her a goodbye note and burn it or tear it up.. or something) step 2 ) start becoming AWARE of your thoughts - know that everytime you think about her - you are making this whole thing last longer... all you are doing is fantasizing... i know how hard it is - but you've probably built her up into an image that's not real... so stop allowing your mind to wander off and fantasize - everytime you catch yourself thinking of her - know that you are only HURTING yourself... and WASTING your time. step 3) Positive Affirmations - you have been programming your mind for yours by thinking thoughts of you too being together etc... you need to start thinking other thoughts to start mentally conditioning (brainwashing) yourself back to leading a normal and healthy life - understand what true love is - it's not a needy addicting thing - like a drug you need... true love is being able to let someone go without feeling you can't function without that person.... the truth is - you and I are most likely addicted to our ex's because we have a huge hole within us that we've used them to fill... it could be fear of being alone or a number of other things... so, try to understand why you NEED her in your life so badly - and maybe you'll realize that what you really need is to love and care for yourself more - that is my issue - my lack of SELF LOVE - you can't truly love someone until you fully love yourself... know that you have the power to get over her in a few days or even weeks if you really WANT to... but you have to believe that it is over.. and stop thinking about her - because you'll just train your mind to want to keep her in there.... she needs to leave your mind.... so, when you think of her... immediately spend 60 seconds thinking and BELIEVING " i will be HAPPIER without her" say it over and over and BELIEVE IT. until you condition your brain to come out of this spell you're putting yourself in... good luck! 5
StubbornSam Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I say this with care, you need some serious therapy. That's not normal.
EuTuBrute Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 "SELF LOVE - you can't truly love someone until you fully love yourself..." If all you take out of the post above, take this! I was never a confident person, and the breakup with my ex set my confidence level to 0. So what did I do. I went to the gym. I got my self big! Physically and emotionally! Guess what i love myself now. Its great! I could careless now if my coldhearted ex wants to get back with me or not. Will I always love her...yes(she was my first love) but the love form myself is stronger. 1
Itspointless Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I feel as if am still in a relationship with her. I still drive home lookinh gorward to tell her about my day, or thinking of sexy and playful jokes to tell her over the phone... when i have a big event coming up, (somebody elses weddigng, new years eve, etc) i still fantasize about attending with her... when i am shopping i still glance at the women section just to look stuff i know she would like (i havent bought a thing, i swear haha) but i still see jewerly and think ´she would really like that"... you get the picture. So in other words you have incorporated a fantasy in your real life and made up all sorts of actions around that figure. To be honest, that sounds pretty serious, it is obsessive behaviour. You know it has not much to do any-more with that real person. Have you tried looking for professional help? It is important that you learn to say goodbye to that part of your life, so that you can learn to look at it as a memory.
Author DopeyMinkry Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) Hi, thanks for all your replies. Yes, I have looked for help; actually it has helped a lot. However, am in point where my therapist doesn't say anything new. It's not her fault, it's more like me not doing what I should do: stop stalking her Facebook, switch my thoughts every time the memories of her pop up, start meeting new people... It's more a matter of will power I believe. I went o therapy a couple days ago, right after I started this thread, and cried rivers. I am having such a hard time to let go because once I let her go what do I have left? after that session, and after reading your replies I started practicing presence, become aware of my thoughts an switching to a happier feeling thought or as someone suggested, think for sixty seconds all the reasons I should let her go. And it has helped, however I feel some angst, even tears come rolling down my cheeks. It's like my mind telling me "ok, I won't think of her, now what??" And find myself in despair. Sometimes when I miss her, it's an emotional thing , I miss the love and the tenderness, the innocence I had back then, the nostalgia of that time "where true love seemed possible". Some other times I miss her sexually, actually the horniest I get is when I think of her, I masturbate remembering the first time we had sex, or the last one or imagining all the things I didn't do to her in bed and I wish I did... I know I sound like a pervert, but it comes from the pain of knowing I can't go back to those days. My therapist gave some work for next week, to write her a letter saying goodby, which I have postponed, I think "that's rubbish, useless", but also realize that's the part of me who refuses to let her go... Actually my therapist has suggested the letter thing several times over this four years and I haven't written a line. Has anyone of you have actually tried writing goodbye letters to your ex? How did it work? Thnk you all for your help. Am glad I found this forum. Edited March 21, 2014 by DopeyMinkry
hopti Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I found writing very effective. Not only writing goodbye letters but also just writing down your feelings. you dont need to read them over again, just get your feelings out. A goodbye letter is almost like a funeral. Its not for the person who's gone, but for the ones who are left behind to say proper goodbye. It really helps you accept things and start to move on. 1
pvroom Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I have found writing goodbye letters help too. I left my ex in August 2008 and I still think about it, but not really positively. It was an abusive relationship. It can be hard to let go. But... YOU HAVE TO. It is not good for you. Try anything you can, anything that is suggested to you. Good luck. 1
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