4everalones Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 You chose the wrong place to ask this question haha this forum is populated with people who just got dumped and still in the healing process. Most of people here are still hurt and bitter about the breakup. To answer your question, I'd say it depends on how long it has been since your breakup. If you were the dumper, I'd wait 3-4 months before contacting your ex. If she responds in a positive way, then great, if not, let her be. You dated that person for a significant period of time. This means that you like certain aspects of their personality, you care about them to certain degree, and you don't want to lose them for good. Unlike the popular beliefs here, many dumpers still care about the dumpees, they are not heartless monsters who have moved on so fast and want an ego stroke by stringing the dumpee along. Come on, people!! That's a very cynical and dark way of seeing things. And if the dumpers were that bad, why did you stick around for so long? what does that say about you as a person? Dumpees aren't always the victims here. I am personally still friends with a few old exes (I know many people here say that it's impossible, but it is completely possible when you completely detach yourself from the person and relationship). These exes are in relationships and I was in new relationships, and everyone was civil and fine with it. I am not ready yet to be friends with my most recent ex, but I hope that someday we can be friends. The fact that he did not want to date me does not make him a terrible person. The point is, yes, you can be friends with your ex and check up on her. But only after a significant amount of time has passed, and only when both of you have completely detached yourselves from the relationship and moved on.
erklat Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I personally don't care what happens with my exes. I haven't pursued romantic relationship to be degraded to platonic. Speak the magic words or be forever silent. There is no friendship after you slept with someone. 2
Maverick89 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 People here are saying that you should wait 6 months, or 1 year... I think it depends on a lot of things, like the dumpee's level of maturity, how the BU developed, what you said after the BU. I do agree with the advice, that you shouldn't contact her unless it's the "I've thought a lot about it, I think I made a mistake, etc" text, email or call. I can see where you're coming from, I get the "I care about her feeling", but you really are not in a position to have that feeling... sadly, you lost the right when you decided to break up with her. I don't think that the word is breadcrumbs, because you not necessarily want to have a relationship with her, you're not trying to lead her to a certain place (That place being a new relationship). Sorry to break it to you like this, but I think it's better if you uphold the NC.
Chi townD Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 People get it in their minds that when we preach NC, they get the impression that we mean, forever! And that's simply not the case. You can be friends with an Ex, but the ONLY time that happens is when we can look at our Ex's with nothing but indifference. If you see your Ex sucking on someone else's face and the only thing it does to you is remind you that you need to pick up some more mouthwash, then I would say that you're in a state of indifference. But, if you have one thread of romantic feelings for your Ex and you try to be friends, then you're allowing a window to open up and allow false hope to creep in. Then, you stand a chance of getting hurt again. Look, people have all kinds of break ups. Some are messy and some are mutual. But, it doesn't take away from the fact that people still end up hurting to some degree. And how you handle NC after that is different for each case. 1
DontBreakEven Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I keep reading in threads about breadcrumbs. Is there EVER an ok time to contact an ex without the other person trying to interpret it as something other than simply catching up? I really struggle with the idea that I will never, ever be able to contact my ex again without her thinking I am just trying to **** with her. Like "hey we dated for ____________ so we obviously still care about eachother and wonder how the other is doing?" Honestly from what I get from a lot of these threads/posts... it's like some of you think your ex dated you and broke your heart on purpose. Like they didn't go through pain as well with the break up or question why the feelings weren't there for whatever reason. Tbh 3.5 months later and I am still broken/questioning myself. But is it not possible to think "hey, it sucks that they broke up with me and it hurts and I'm ****ing devastated...but they just don't feel the same and that's just how it goes sometimes." I don't mean to make light of it or anything because I know it is the worst feeling in the world and it lasts for months/years. But the amount of anger a lot of you have towards your ex makes a dumper feel like complete ****. I mean maybe a site geared toward breakups isn't the place to go if that happens to be you in the first place. But I ask this because my ex had a rough couple years...and obviously I still care about her and want her to be happy. But from the sounds of it, if I EVER try to contact her in the future she is going to resent me/think I'm an ******* trying to some how **** with her/send her bread crumbs and try and get her to fall for me again. I mean some of you even after a year are posting things like "haha I guess I won cause my ex is contacting me and she is single" or "It's been a year and my ex is contacting me... WHY?!?!?" I mean ****, can it not just be harmless? Will it always be "**** you, you broke my heart and didn't want to date me so now I never want to speak to you ever again because you're an *******"? Ordinary Day is right. Unless any of my ex's who broke my heart realized they made a mistake, any contact from them has been ignored from me. I'm not looking to be friends with someone who essentially told me I'm amazing and great person, but just not amazing and great enough for THEM. Gross. I don't even want to be friends with someone who feels that way. No. No. I have told you this before. Relationships are all or nothing, and when you choose to dump someone, you get nothing from them anymore. That's just how it is. It's called, can't have your cake and eat it too. Sorry Charlie. 1
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