Why is it never easy?

[yxalitis]

OK, I’m in my 40’s, separated, dating again.

Met a wonderful girl, got along amazingly well, one of those great connections you find rarely. We quickly developed a very honest, open (not in that way!) relationship.

 

We both had a failed relationship due to mental health issues with our spouses, have very similar (but not identical) interests and tastes in things, and just share so many key values and morals.

 

After 3 dates we kissed, and man, did we kiss! I went in for a ‘normal’ kiss and received a very passionate response.

 

Next date she asks me some pointed question about the future, do I want children again, and am I really serious. She asked me these because she feels like I am the right guy, that she can see a future with me, and that she wants her next relationship to be the ‘one.’ She wants to take it slow, and not jump into the physical for a while, which I’m perfectly OK with.

 

We date quite frequently, have great times together, and always kiss very passionately. When not together we always text, her responses are detailed and engaging, and she also texts me out of the blue, not just in response. Basically things are going really well, I feel completely at ease and confident with where we are heading.

 

One Saturday she confesses to feeling a little down, and didn’t want to burden me with her problems, But I tell her that’s all part of a relationship, and I go to her place, where we chill, watch telly, and drink some wine. (This isn’t the issue, everyone has ups and downs)

 

After the movie ended, we started kissing again, and she was really passionate, moaning, moving her body, pulling me in close, I ended up between her legs (fully clothed), while she moved her hips against me, very hot stuff, I thought she had decided to take it to the next level. I will reinforce that she made the moves here, I followed her lead. I got to quite an intimate stage when she abruptly stops me, and suggests it's time I go home. We aren’t high school sweethearts here, sex isn’t that big if a deal when you get to your umpteenth partner, and so I was a little perplexed as to why she would escalate the situation, then back out.

 

Anyway I go home, indicating via texting that I was Ok with waiting, I thought she was leading the way, etc. She confesses that she needs to “let go of the past” and that she has trust issues (don’t we all…).

 

The next day she suggested we go away for a weekend, to really spend time together and to get to know each other better. She adds that it’s not so we can sleep together (ie sex), but does so with a laugh, so it’s all well intentioned. It’s also going to be her birthday on that weekend, and so I was honoured to have that important time with her.

 

We plan a great weekend away, after looking at places, I decide to go for the romantic, beautiful places, and not some cheap motel, but getting a place like that with twin beds wasn’t possible.

So I call her and ask if a king bed is okay, and she is 100% fine with that, so I’m feeling good, I am totally fine with sleeping next to someone and not having sex, even if it’s the first time, been there done that, it’s a great way to build trust.

 

We meet up next Saturday for another romantic date, have a great time, and go our separate ways. Sunday I don’t hear from her all day, but I’m fine, not fretting or anything, but it was unusual. At 5:00pm she calls me, and after some light chit chat tells me that she doesn’t think it’s going to work out, and we should end it!!

 

I aks her why, she tells me that after not seeing me for a week, when I arrived to pick her up on the Saturday, she didn’t feel anything special “Like my best friend came to visit”

I pointed out that we are taking it slow, it’s only been about 8 weeks, it’s a little too early to tell, but she’s pretty insistent, so that was that. I had to cancel all my carefully laid out plans, I had a massage and spa booked, had purchased her present, arranged a nice dinner, etc. I wasn’t angry, or annoyed, more perplexed and confused, it was going so well…

 

After a week I realise I’d left something at her place, and text her apologetically. When she replies that I needn’t say sorry, I explain that I will apologise, I must have done something wrong, or said something wrong, as everything was going on so well, but because I turn up and she doesn’t get butterflies, she ends it.

 

So she calls me, explains that she too wondered why she had ended it, that it wasn’t me or anything I had done, had talked to her friends about it, etc etc.

She thinks she’s not in the right frame to enter a new relationship, she has issues to sort out, and she didn’t want to start a relationship only to end it in a few months and hurt me.

So we continue to text and keep in touch. My friends suggest that perhaps she simply wasn’t “feeling it”

 

After another week I suggest we get together. We meet up, and I tell her that I don’t want to see her “just as friends” because I have feelings for her now, and will always be wondering when we can pick up the relationship again. That’s not fair on her, and not healthy for me. I also seek her reassurance that it isn’t as my friend suggested because it just wasn’t there: (“If it was that, I’ve have just told you”)

 

I tell her that whatever happens, I’m not going back to dating for a while, so we’ll keep in touch via text, but I won’t see her for a month. She is doing things to get herself sorted, meditation sessions etc. I tell her that I will simply wait for her, as I think we have a good shot at a relationship, and that she is totally worth waiting for. She says that she doesn’t want me to miss out on “someone special” while she gets her act together, but I tell her I’ve already found someone special. I give her her present, which she absolutely loved (Some earrings that matched a necklace she always wore because it very special to her).

 

We start kissing again, and she starts the passionate build up again, but I gently stop her, and say I should go.

 

So now I’m in the middle of that month, and we text a bit, not daily but often. I write nice romantic things to her which she think are “amazing” and that I’m a talented writer. (I wrote one that allegorised a butterfly with her, in that I cannot simply chase it, but have to await for it to a light on my open palm, for example).

 

But what should I do when we meet next?

 

My thoughts are I put it to her that I’m happy to start again, as I would rather have a relationship and see what happens (“Darn the torpedos!”) than to never have known one at all, better to have loved and lost and all that stuff. I don’t mean that to start then and there, but to gently suggest I’m happy to more the relationship back to where we were, even suggesting we reschedule our weekend away again in another month.

 

What do you guys think of this situation?

 

Is she really interested, and scared of being hurt, or just trying to gently blow me off?

[TXGuy]

She is seeing someone else. And pedistalizing her won't make her want you more, just the opposite.

 

On the other hand you are still married (separated). You mentioned you had kids, but didn't say whether they were still at home or over 18 and out of the house. You should probably get through your divorce and take at least 6 months sorting things out before you get into a new relationship.

[David87]

You started so well , i really thought that this is a successful story about you finding your true love.

 

I don't think that she is trying to blow you off she is unsure about certain things or maybe she's keeping you hooked in case it doesn't work out with some other man.

 

I think that you shuold have slept with her when you had the chance, I know that she wanted things slow but if you get anther chance to end up between her legs make the move.

 

You took things a little too slow.

[AntiSocal]

Oh gawd. I'm gonna get hate for this but who cares? Everyone on this site hates me anyway.

 

You sir need to MAN UP. I can tell you right now that the majority of women hate, hate, HATE men like you. Girls don't want a guy whose gonna chase them constantly and roll over for them bro. They want a man who takes control of the situation and asserts his dominance.

 

This "relationship" if you can call it that, is already over. The girl doesn't like you. Shes keeping you around for validation and sweet poetry. All the while shes hanging around with men (assertive men) that ARE able to give her butterflies in her stomach and that she DOES want to have sex with. You're being too much of a nice guy.

 

Go no contact with her completely. You haven't known her for long, you haven't had sex with her, you owe her nothing. Cut her off. And if she starts harassing you? Just tell her you want sex, and she can either give it to you? Or leave you alone. Whichever option she chooses you still win.

 

And next time you are with a girl? Don't give her all the power like this. Don't be a super sweet guy. Even if that is your personality she needs to chase you just as much as you chase her for the relationship to work. No girl wants a man who she feels is "easy" to get. They want something they have to work for, just like men want something we have to work for. If you give her all of your attention and she doesn't work for it? You are showing her that your attention basically has no value.

 

And nothing in life worth having will ever be easy to attain. Whether it be money, athletic ability, or love. You gotta work for it, and you gotta work at it. But you are way too old to still be in your "lover boy" stage. Time to assert yourself as a man so that women can treat you as such.

[yxalitis]

Wow, such deep cynicism..

 

So, according to the replies:

 

1. I should have have raped her when she asked me to stop.

2. The only reason for her actions is that she's seeing someone else.

3. Women only date aggressive arseholes

4. Nice guys lose

 

Thanks..I think

[David87]

Just leave her alone for now, she's not interested. Find another, and never give up.

[Grumpybutfun]

OK, I’m in my 40’s, separated, dating again.

Met a wonderful girl, got along amazingly well, one of those great connections you find rarely. We quickly developed a very honest, open (not in that way!) relationship.

 

We both had a failed relationship due to mental health issues with our spouses, have very similar (but not identical) interests and tastes in things, and just share so many key values and morals.

 

After 3 dates we kissed, and man, did we kiss! I went in for a ‘normal’ kiss and received a very passionate response.

 

Next date she asks me some pointed question about the future, do I want children again, and am I really serious. She asked me these because she feels like I am the right guy, that she can see a future with me, and that she wants her next relationship to be the ‘one.’ She wants to take it slow, and not jump into the physical for a while, which I’m perfectly OK with.

 

We date quite frequently, have great times together, and always kiss very passionately. When not together we always text, her responses are detailed and engaging, and she also texts me out of the blue, not just in response. Basically things are going really well, I feel completely at ease and confident with where we are heading.

 

One Saturday she confesses to feeling a little down, and didn’t want to burden me with her problems, But I tell her that’s all part of a relationship, and I go to her place, where we chill, watch telly, and drink some wine. (This isn’t the issue, everyone has ups and downs)

 

After the movie ended, we started kissing again, and she was really passionate, moaning, moving her body, pulling me in close, I ended up between her legs (fully clothed), while she moved her hips against me, very hot stuff, I thought she had decided to take it to the next level. I will reinforce that she made the moves here, I followed her lead. I got to quite an intimate stage when she abruptly stops me, and suggests it's time I go home. We aren’t high school sweethearts here, sex isn’t that big if a deal when you get to your umpteenth partner, and so I was a little perplexed as to why she would escalate the situation, then back out.

 

Anyway I go home, indicating via texting that I was Ok with waiting, I thought she was leading the way, etc. She confesses that she needs to “let go of the past” and that she has trust issues (don’t we all…).

 

The next day she suggested we go away for a weekend, to really spend time together and to get to know each other better. She adds that it’s not so we can sleep together (ie sex), but does so with a laugh, so it’s all well intentioned. It’s also going to be her birthday on that weekend, and so I was honoured to have that important time with her.

 

We plan a great weekend away, after looking at places, I decide to go for the romantic, beautiful places, and not some cheap motel, but getting a place like that with twin beds wasn’t possible.

So I call her and ask if a king bed is okay, and she is 100% fine with that, so I’m feeling good, I am totally fine with sleeping next to someone and not having sex, even if it’s the first time, been there done that, it’s a great way to build trust.

 

We meet up next Saturday for another romantic date, have a great time, and go our separate ways. Sunday I don’t hear from her all day, but I’m fine, not fretting or anything, but it was unusual. At 5:00pm she calls me, and after some light chit chat tells me that she doesn’t think it’s going to work out, and we should end it!!

 

I aks her why, she tells me that after not seeing me for a week, when I arrived to pick her up on the Saturday, she didn’t feel anything special “Like my best friend came to visit”

I pointed out that we are taking it slow, it’s only been about 8 weeks, it’s a little too early to tell, but she’s pretty insistent, so that was that. I had to cancel all my carefully laid out plans, I had a massage and spa booked, had purchased her present, arranged a nice dinner, etc. I wasn’t angry, or annoyed, more perplexed and confused, it was going so well…

 

After a week I realise I’d left something at her place, and text her apologetically. When she replies that I needn’t say sorry, I explain that I will apologise, I must have done something wrong, or said something wrong, as everything was going on so well, but because I turn up and she doesn’t get butterflies, she ends it.

 

So she calls me, explains that she too wondered why she had ended it, that it wasn’t me or anything I had done, had talked to her friends about it, etc etc.

She thinks she’s not in the right frame to enter a new relationship, she has issues to sort out, and she didn’t want to start a relationship only to end it in a few months and hurt me.

So we continue to text and keep in touch. My friends suggest that perhaps she simply wasn’t “feeling it”

 

After another week I suggest we get together. We meet up, and I tell her that I don’t want to see her “just as friends” because I have feelings for her now, and will always be wondering when we can pick up the relationship again. That’s not fair on her, and not healthy for me. I also seek her reassurance that it isn’t as my friend suggested because it just wasn’t there: (“If it was that, I’ve have just told you”)

 

I tell her that whatever happens, I’m not going back to dating for a while, so we’ll keep in touch via text, but I won’t see her for a month. She is doing things to get herself sorted, meditation sessions etc. I tell her that I will simply wait for her, as I think we have a good shot at a relationship, and that she is totally worth waiting for. She says that she doesn’t want me to miss out on “someone special” while she gets her act together, but I tell her I’ve already found someone special. I give her her present, which she absolutely loved (Some earrings that matched a necklace she always wore because it very special to her).

 

We start kissing again, and she starts the passionate build up again, but I gently stop her, and say I should go.

 

So now I’m in the middle of that month, and we text a bit, not daily but often. I write nice romantic things to her which she think are “amazing” and that I’m a talented writer. (I wrote one that allegorised a butterfly with her, in that I cannot simply chase it, but have to await for it to a light on my open palm, for example).

 

But what should I do when we meet next?

 

My thoughts are I put it to her that I’m happy to start again, as I would rather have a relationship and see what happens (“Darn the torpedos!”) than to never have known one at all, better to have loved and lost and all that stuff. I don’t mean that to start then and there, but to gently suggest I’m happy to more the relationship back to where we were, even suggesting we reschedule our weekend away again in another month.

 

What do you guys think of this situation?

 

Is she really interested, and scared of being hurt, or just trying to gently blow me off?

 

 

She doesn't know how to tell you she isn't into you romantically. I think as long as it was non sexual, she enjoyed her time with you but when it started to develop she realized she just wasn't feeling it. Saying to someone after you have made out with them that they aren't excited about you means she likes you as a friend but isn't seeing a future relationship with you. Your best move is to go NC (some of the guys here can lay it out for you better than I, but it is essentially blocking her from media and communication devices) and concentrating on you.

 

By this, I mean, you had a rebound fling so now you are probably seeing some things about dating that perplexes you or makes you wonder if you could possibly have the same issues with another woman that you had with your ex wife. Figure those issues out, figure out who you are and what you want now that you get to live your life for yourself while interacting and enjoying your children. Make yourself better, find out what you truly enjoy...always wanted to drive a race car....now you can....want to try a cigar in your living room.....now you can. Anything you wanted to do or try, you can do it now....knitting, watching French films, drinking beer out of a solo cup on the dining room table, etc. Think about who you want to be....furthering your career, reconnecting with friends, join a kickboxing league, going to a church your ex hated....whatever. Find your spiritual side....find out what qualities a woman would like in you and which ones need work. Work on yourself and forget about someone who sees you as a friend. Don't wait on her or you are going to waste your time on someone who is too big of a coward to just say she isn't into you as a lover.

Then, after you figure yourself out, figure out what role and responsibility you had in the demise of your marriage and are really honest about that...then you are ready to date again. Next time, listen when she speaks..this woman told you she didn't want a physical relationship right now which equates she doesn't want one with you, she said she had trust issues, which means she doesn't trust men, she told you all you needed to hear and yet you chose not to really listen. Women who are into you won't keep pushing you away which is what she did. It is fine to wait on sex, it was good that you did since your makeup sessions really intrigued you, but it isn't okay for her to treat you like a friend when she obviously was telling you in between pushing you away that she really wanted a future with you. That wasn't cool of her, but she did try to tell you that she had trust issues and was having trouble with intimacy.

Everything is going to be okay, move on,

Grumps

[Eternal Sunshine]

When you meet the right person, it will flow easy. All those things that you describe simply mean that she is not the right person for you.

[David87]

When you meet the right person, it will flow easy. All those things that you describe simply mean that she is not the right person for you.

 

Very well said. I for one I'm afraid because I feel that the right person my never come

[yxalitis]

Well, taking these somewhat brutal, but consistent replies, I called her.

 

I told her that I want to resume our relationship, take it to the next level, and "damn the torpedoes" No one can predict how a relationship can go, and it'll be better to resolve any concerns from within rather then from out.

 

After 15 minutes of various replies along the theme of: "I'm not sure" I told her it it was clear she wasn't into me, and that to have a nice life, nice knowing you.

 

That bought a response, telling me she really does like me a lot, etc....but it did seem to me that she was hedging her bets.

 

I don't think she's seeing someone else, but I won't be contacting her again.

 

I doubt I'll ever hear from her.

[HappyLove]

Oddly I have to kinda agree with these fools. AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Kicking myself, I don't agree with EVERYTHING they said BUT she's definitely using you because you are making it wayyyyy easy for her. She's just not that into you. As soon as you said she basically told you to plan her Bday with a getaway I thought this chick has some balls doing that!!! She's not even your woman and she's telling you to plan her getaway then she had you do it only to dump you? Man up and walk away. Sorry, this is so frustrating because a woman like me would give anything to find a man as sweet and considerate as you were to her. But alas men love crazy. When the woman pushes you away and disses you you come back wanting more. Move on the right lady is out there for you.

[mrnova66]

Wow, such deep cynicism..

 

So, according to the replies:

 

1. I should have have raped her when she asked me to stop.

2. The only reason for her actions is that she's seeing someone else.

3. Women only date aggressive arseholes

4. Nice guys lose

 

Thanks..I think

I agree on number 4. You see OP. Nice does not cut it this day and age. Well!!Look at all the post. Nice does not cut it. I have a question for you. When have you ever see a guy that does not care. Thant cannot keep a job. Calls his women B-tches. A drug dealer. A bum. A jailbird. A abuser. A bank robber. When was the last time you saw any of these winners single? I am 48 years old and I have never seen one single. Most are married, but never single. Then when these drama kings done had his fun. He is getting the next woman in line waiting for him. He is doing no chasing.(good guys do that) Woman will pull out the red carpet for Mr. Drama king.

[Phantom888]

Too much drama for a new relationship. A healthy relationship should flow naturally with no resistance. She is not interested in you, but is having a hard time communicating with you about it. She may or may not be dating someone else, but she nevertheless enjoys your company as a friend. She doesn't want to lose contact with you, but she is definitely not super attracted to you. Women expect men to read them clearly when they give mixed signals. Geez... Hope you have a clean break and move on smoothly.

[yxalitis]

I agree on number 4. You see OP. Nice does not cut it this day and age. Well!!Look at all the post. Nice does not cut it. I have a question for you. When have you ever see a guy that does not care. Thant cannot keep a job. Calls his women B-tches. A drug dealer. A bum. A jailbird. A abuser. A bank robber. When was the last time you saw any of these winners single? I am 48 years old and I have never seen one single. Most are married, but never single. Then when these drama kings done had his fun. He is getting the next woman in line waiting for him. He is doing no chasing.(good guys do that) Woman will pull out the red carpet for Mr. Drama king.

 

This post speaks more to your problems than anything.

My points were all sarcastic, yet I get responses as if they were gospel truth.

[yxalitis]

Too much drama for a new relationship. A healthy relationship should flow naturally with no resistance. She is not interested in you, but is having a hard time communicating with you about it. She may or may not be dating someone else, but she nevertheless enjoys your company as a friend. She doesn't want to lose contact with you, but she is definitely not super attracted to you. Women expect men to read them clearly when they give mixed signals. Geez... Hope you have a clean break and move on smoothly.

 

Thanks, probably the most coherent and considered response.

[yxalitis]

Oddly I have to kinda agree with these fools. AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Kicking myself, I don't agree with EVERYTHING they said BUT she's definitely using you because you are making it wayyyyy easy for her. She's just not that into you. As soon as you said she basically told you to plan her Bday with a getaway I thought this chick has some balls doing that!!! She's not even your woman and she's telling you to plan her getaway then she had you do it only to dump you? Man up and walk away. Sorry, this is so frustrating because a woman like me would give anything to find a man as sweet and considerate as you were to her. But alas men love crazy. When the woman pushes you away and disses you you come back wanting more. Move on the right lady is out there for you.

 

Yeah, the whole "Let's go away for a weekend" followed by "I don't think it's working" was just baffling.

If she had just let things progress when we were getting frisky on that Saturday, I swear we'd have had a great relationship.

Silly girl. I hope she finds what she's looking for.

[mrnova66]

This post speaks more to your problems than anything.

My points were all sarcastic, yet I get responses as if they were gospel truth.

I have no problems. I call it!!!!LIKE I SEE IT!!!!I have said it a thousand times in my life. There are no shortage of women that are willing to have relationship with total POS/scumbags. I have yet to see these types single. Most are married, but never single. Do I have problems? NO!!!Do you have problems?

Edited March 18, 2014 by mrnova66

[KatZee]

Oh gawd. I'm gonna get hate for this but who cares? Everyone on this site hates me anyway.

 

You sir need to MAN UP. I can tell you right now that the majority of women hate, hate, HATE men like you.

 

Gonna have to agree here. I'm a woman too. By the time I got 3/4 of the way down I was kind of inwardly groaning and thinking that you needed to be more of a MAN.

 

I mean yeah, it's cute all the foo foo frilly things you have going on. Massage, hotel room, jewelry, poetry, this and that... but what's really going to get a woman turned on is being a MAN.

 

Rugged. Rough. Don't ASK me if you can kiss me, just grab me and go for it. Also, the whole wining and dining right off the bat is a little much.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to say I "hate" a man like you, but you're just not the kind of guy I would be attracted to. Being TOO nice is a bit of a turn off.

[HappyLove]

I think it's fine to be as nice as you were the key is to give that to someone who's worth it. She had some red flags that you ignored... getting hot and heavy then backing out TELLING YOU to book that room so she could have a great Bday. I think if you look back you ignored a lot if signs that she wasn't worth this much effort.

[mortensorchid]

All other tangents / comments aside, she's not that into you. I'd move on before she hurts you any further because you sound like you like her quite a bit. It's a delicate balance between people, it's hard because it just is. No one else is just like you, no one else is just like the other person. You both have to take a risk to make things work, but she's not doing it with you. Move on.

[FitChick]

She doesn't know what she wants and is confused. Her confusion is confusing you. Probably still healing over the other relationship.

 

If you are separated, you should be dating for fun and to distance yourself from your soon to be ex wife. Don't have a serious relationship now because once that divorce is final, you will wake up and realize you are single and have a whole new world to explore.

[SpringBaby]

This is why when I have a question about men, I ask a man. I would advise you to do the same OP and take advice about women from women.

 

The reason why there aren't many "nice guys" is because men keep trading dumb advice like all women want jackasses.

 

All you have to do OP is find a woman who appreciates you, it's not going to be easy but it will be worth it. Don't take any woman seriously until you do. There are a lot of flaky people out there of both genders. Saddle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

[SpringBaby]

I agree on number 4. You see OP. Nice does not cut it this day and age. Well!!Look at all the post. Nice does not cut it. I have a question for you. When have you ever see a guy that does not care. Thant cannot keep a job. Calls his women B-tches. A drug dealer. A bum. A jailbird. A abuser. A bank robber. When was the last time you saw any of these winners single? I am 48 years old and I have never seen one single. Most are married, but never single. Then when these drama kings done had his fun. He is getting the next woman in line waiting for him. He is doing no chasing.(good guys do that) Woman will pull out the red carpet for Mr. Drama king.

 

Don't be fooled, these guys seek out female idiots because they need them to get away with all the activities you mentioned. Trust me, you wouldn't want any of the women these jerks dig up.

 

It's those who want quality who sometimes have the hardest time finding it.

[Mo_Do]

This can be summed up with two words..

 

Friend Zone.

 

You screwed up - who cares, another will be along in 10 minutes.

 

When dating never put all your eggs in one basket or crap like this happens. Currently I have so many broads on the go I can't even remember their names, do I care if one drops off? He11 no. I just add 3 more.

[mrnova66]

This can be summed up with two words..

 

Friend Zone.

 

You screwed up - who cares, another will be along in 10 minutes.

 

When dating never put all your eggs in one basket or crap like this happens. Currently I have so many broads on the go I can't even remember their names, do I care if one drops off? He11 no. I just add 3 more.

. I agree with this post. And going by what you say. Women will love you to death. It the guy that cares(AKA GOOD GUY) is the one that gets hurt. WHY? He cares. And that does not cut it in this day and age. Well look at all the post on this thread. Being nice and respectful went out the door when the idiot started the phrase YOUR TOO NICE or YOU CAN BE TOO NICE. Then everybody in society plays follow the leader. Like little sheeple. Is'nt odd that these little stupid phrases did not come out in the last 20 to 30 years. And as a result you have people like the poster about in quote that pretty much can have any woman he wants. I agree 100% with this post. He only stated the truth. We have come as a society that being yourself does not cut it anymore