is there such a thing as "only good enough for sex but not for dating"?

March 17, 2014

I still don't see how wanting a relationship necessarily means one shouldn't have casual sex.........

March 17, 2014

You're making this about an age thing, or a gender thing, but it really isn't. That's my point. Both men and women, of all ages, want a real relationship with someone who cares about them and has feelings for them. While there are some party animals that are only into casual sex, the vast majority of people, of all ages and genders, are looking for something more fulfilling than that, and find the casual hookup culture to be unfulfilling.

I agreed with everyone and therefore wasn't making it about anything except a universal agreement that people have differing opinions and perspectives. However, perspective is important to formulating opinions and if you think age and gender have nothing to do with perspective, I am starting to wonder if you need to ask for a refund on your degrees. Who are you trying to argue with...I agreed with you...all of you? You must have been a debate team Captain, huh? Miss it?

G

March 17, 2014

I still don't see how wanting a relationship necessarily means one shouldn't have casual sex.........

Again, my post referred to the statement by a poster that most men would ONLY want casual sex if they could get it, and would not be interested in a relationship. THAT is what I am taking issue with. THAT is what does not hold true. The vast majority of people, of all ages and genders, DO want a relationship with someone they care about rather than casual sex.

March 17, 2014

I agreed with everyone and therefore wasn't making it about anything except a universal agreement that people have differing opinions and perspectives. However, perspective is important to formulating opinions and if you think age and gender have nothing to do with perspective, I am starting to wonder if you need to ask for a refund on your degrees. Who are you trying to argue with...I agreed with you...all of you? You must have been a debate team Captain, huh? Miss it?
G

I'm not saying age and gender have nothing to do with perspective, although I think upbringing and values has a lot more to do with perspective than age or gender on this issue.

As far as you agreeing with everyone, um, considering we have differing opinions on this topic, I don't see how that's possible. Most people want a real relationship. People of all ages and genders. Most people find casual sex to be unfulfilling. And just an FYI, I was never on a debate team or had any interest in being on one. I'm just stating my opinion on the topic, based on what I have seen and read. No need to be grumpy or insult me. *winks*

March 17, 2014

Do we have a double standard here?

If a man hooks up with multiple women he is low class.

If a girl hooks up with multiple men then what is she? Just a little promiscuous? Lol.

Whether or not someone is "low class" is your opinion. /discussion. I'm in a class full of women who have totally different ideals then you.

And i don't see how "chasing tail" is a waste of time. Again that is your opinion. Even the most successful and hardworking man isn't gonna work for more then 10 hours a day. Two hours to workout/eat. That leaves 6 hours of PRIME tail chasing time.

You're stuck in the past. Your ideals are just that, yours. Stop trying to pass them off as fact.

Stuck in the past? Hardly. The things that make most people successful haven't changed.... Almost no one in any position with any real influence or authority will tolerate those who demonstrate excess or poor judgment.

Making a habit of sleeping with strangers is poor judgment and a distraction... no matter which gender. It's no different than drinking, drugging, or anything else done to excess.

Yes, I realize it is 'cool' for lots of people of a certain age to do it. Fortunately for them, most of them grow out of it. The ones that have the most going for them?? Never engaged in it to begin with and focused their attention on more productive endeavors. That is why they are ahead... and the rest are not.

Funny thing is... it's not even a value judgment or about morals. It's just what happens to work in the long run.

March 17, 2014

OP,

Different angle here from a guys perspective.

For one you say you are single forever. Then you say you are afraid you will be alone if you turn guys down for sex. The whole presumption of your post is you are afraid you are only landing "dates" with guys who want sex and not relationships.

Guys tend to test the water. Hate to admit it but the number one reason a guy will go exclusive (and lose his power of choice) is because he feels comfortable that he will retain his ability to get frequent sex. No sex, or your resistance to sex, or possibly your making sex such a difficult thing to attain could be, in a sad way, the reason the guys no longer want to date you and balk at the idea of being exclusive. They are afraid that if they go on dates they will not get sex and if thry go exclusive they will be stuck going on dates that do not lead to sex while limiting their options that they had before.

One way you might be able to avoid this is open, honest communication, about what you are looking for in a relationship and also about sex. If you tell the guy you are looking for a solid boyfriend on the first date and say you will only have sex once the relationship is exclusive you may find more guys willing to jump through that set of hoops. If you play coy with the sex and the guy doesnt know where the goalpost is he may just walk because theres a less confusing dame to deal with.

Also todays dating world is weird. Just 10 years ago it seemed all girls were looking for a relationship and were willing to make sacrifices to get into one. Now it seems most girls are open to hookups and fwb, and are seeking impossible perfection in a real relationship partner. This means for guys, committment free sex has never been easier to get (thank feminism for that ladies baha).

So in landing a boyfriend material your fellow sisters are making your old school game (which i respect) very hard to play. I wouldnt recommend following some posters advice to hold back on the sex. You could land a sweet, charming, ugly and truly desperate man by stringing him along like that, but any self confident guy worth catching has already got 3-5 phone numbers to call to get some action, and probably make that call within 5 minutes of the end of your date when you hold out like that.

It's not that I didnt give them sex and eventually drove them away. Sometimes I did give them sex and results were that I became Fwb and sometimes I hold myself and they just disappeared after two or maybe three dates.

March 17, 2014

OP, if you aren't currently around people who demonstrate what I'm talking about... all you need to do is change who you hang out with... and pay attention to the actions/behaviors of those who are really doing well in life.

Just have faith in yourself. and find a different crowd.

March 17, 2014

I'm not saying age and gender have nothing to do with perspective, although I think upbringing and values has a lot more to do with perspective than age or gender on this issue.

As far as you agreeing with everyone, um, considering we have differing opinions on this topic, I don't see how that's possible. Most people want a real relationship. People of all ages and genders. Most people find casual sex to be unfulfilling. And just an FYI, I was never on a debate team or had any interest in being on one. I'm just stating my opinion on the topic, based on what I have seen and read. No need to be grumpy or insult me. *winks*

I thought you told Gore you weren't uptight? Kidding around isn't insulting....it is just kidding which is why I added that huge emoticon. I don't have a dog in this fight of yours. I am happily married..she was a virgin, I was free with my cock. Both experiences were awesome, valid and didn't hurt the quality of our lives in any way, only enhanced. We were both open and honest with our intentions so I wasn't a player and she wasn't a tease.

I still maintain I agree with you..there are many people from all ages and genders who find casual sex to be unfulfilling, many who do not do it, many who think it is a sin, many who do not want it to a part of their experience in any way. How is that disagreeing with you? I agreed with you. I also agree that some people find casual sex to be fun and exciting and a part of dating. Some people like to have sex as a way to release tension, scratch an itch, or feed their ego. I also agree with those who could say they have had casual sex turn into LTR or marriages. I can also see the opinion that no sex at all is a great way of life if it helps with their Philosophies or spirituality. I can see all the perspectives, and agree that they are relevant and correct for them, but the only one that really matters is the OPs, and if she is confused about this aspect of dating then this is what we should be concentrating on, not trying argue a point that someone has already agreed with you on. In case you willfully try to misunderstand me again, I agree that most people of all ages, religions, genders, ethnicities and music genres want love and real relationships. Some find casual sex unfulfilling. Unless I am being obtuse though, antiSocials opinions and desires should be respected as much as the masses. Trying to make an absolute out of your opinion for everyone isn't going to happen. It may seem odd to you but there are many who do not want marriage, LTRs or families. They may want it in the future, they may want it when they meet the right person, but they may never want it at all.

OP, think about what you want, as that is the only thing that matters. This has been fun but explaining that I am not arguing and agree with everyone's opinion on this matter as relevant to them is exhausting,

Grumps

Edited March 17, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

March 17, 2014

Forget the #s rating scale. Forget what anybody looks like.

How is your self confidence h0000?

I don't think I'm a raving beauty but I suppose I'm above average. When I was younger I was plain -- glasses, skinny, too smart etc. I sort of grew into my personality.

While I'm willing to compromise, I have never been anybody's doormat. I always valued myself -- my time & my company. Most men who I have ever dated would tell you I'm generally a fun date -- flirtatious but not slutty (until we got behind closed doors), willing to go for beers at the local dive or champagne somewhere snazzy. I like sports. I'm independent & financially stable. I can hold my end of many conversations. The buddies & the parents generally approved.

That said, I got guys above my league & in my league (even though I HATE that expression). My husband is drop dead model gorgeous & more then one of my friends told me they never even would have had the courage to talk to him.

Part of it always was that I didn't take anybody's garbage. If you wanted me, call but not at the last minute. If a guy made an effort, I'd be open. If he wanted me to fall into his bed, I was often outta there. Sometimes I broke my own rules but those were my choices. When I did that I didn't worry about whether he respected me; I knew I respected myself & my choices. In fact when I broke my rules & had sex early I usually made sure we went to his place so I could get up & leave. You'd be surprised at how many came running after that whether I wanted them to or not.

It's stupid & it's game playing but it works. Make the guy work for it. Nobody values anything that comes too easy

Self confidence..I'm glad you mentioned it.. Like I said before I would "rate "myself between 7-8 but now honestly...I just don't believe in myself anymore cuz I'm bothered by the whole "not good enough for date" concept . I constantly have doubts on myself now and am afraid to "be confident" anymore..I'm afraid I'm just delusional if I think I'm attractive.

March 17, 2014

I felt the same for a while. The thing is, for every man who would date you seriously, there are about 10-15 who would sleep with you. So it's normal. Take it as a compliment and have sex if you wish.

Also, if you do not flirt or dress overly sexy - it is possible men will see you as a challenge.
A lot of guys have told me they are going for the flirty/dressed sexy ones for easy sex.
You aren't easy sex. Anticipation is awesome and men like to work a little - we all know that.

To be honest I find this whole 'don't give it away easy' thing to be total BS. A man who really likes you will still like you even if you have sex with him on the first date.

A man who only wants you for sex will not fall for you if you hold back and wait a few weeks to have sex with him - this one is either going to work harder to get you into bed or will move on to someone else.

Should you sleep with the second one on the first date, take it for what it is - just (hopefully) good sex!

There are proven benefits to having orgasms

Also I think this whole scale from 1 to 10 is also total BS.

This happened to my friend. She had some casual sex with someone from a club and they still end up being in a Relationship !

But when it comes to me It will never work out like that god damn it.

But I sense some of you might get the wrong idea: I don't mean I always go to clubs to seek my potential bf .

March 17, 2014

Have you made your way around the block a few times already OP? Do the guys around the block already know that about you? Are you trying to date guys that live around the block? Do you give off a vibe that you are "that kinda girl" ?(trust me, they know)

Because any guy that knows that about you is not going to want to date you. They are just going to want a turn at you.

^^^^ This. Listen to this guy. He knows what he's talking about.

March 17, 2014

Honestly, I don't think it is you at all. You are internalizing other people's disinterest for LTRs right now when that could just be where they are in their lives. Red Robin is right...if you want a committed bf, a serious relationship, you have to make that intention clear from the beginning. That weeds out all the guys who just want to hookup and have casual sex with no strings. In fact, I respect the way she handles her dating life...she makes it very clear what she is after and respects herself enough to demand exactly what she wants. She would be one to listen to if that is what you want...a bf, serious relationship and emotional intimacy.

Good luck, there is nothing wrong with you,

Grumps

March 17, 2014

Stuck in the past? Hardly. The things that make most people successful haven't changed.... Almost no one in any position with any real influence or authority will tolerate those who demonstrate excess or poor judgment.

Making a habit of sleeping with strangers is poor judgment and a distraction... no matter which gender. It's no different than drinking, drugging, or anything else done to excess.

Yes, I realize it is 'cool' for lots of people of a certain age to do it. Fortunately for them, most of them grow out of it. The ones that have the most going for them?? Never engaged in it to begin with and focused their attention on more productive endeavors. That is why they are ahead... and the rest are not.

Funny thing is... it's not even a value judgment or about morals. It's just what happens to work in the long run.

That's your opinion but certainly not everyone's...

March 17, 2014

The really interesting thing about this thread is that everyone writing is correct. People want and expect different things from relationships, sex, life, etc. I can agree with every sentiment because I can see the validity of somedudes and red robins posts because though their realities are different, they both want love and long term commitments. Anti social wants something different and expects something different than Kathy, somewhat due to gender but also because of age. Gore, even though female, wants something different than Red Robin. That is because people are different and have different life stories. Also, some people can change their minds or want something different when they get older. We are all different, have different expectations, have differing values and that is okay. Opinions are just that, and if the OP believes she is being used for sex, then maybe she is so she has to determine what she really wants and expects to give and receive with other human beings.
OP, don't give sex if it is not freely given. It isn't barter for a relationship. You don't give it or with hold it for a chance at love. You share it for physical reasons or emotional reasons and neither one are bad as long as you are open and honest about intentions. People lie, so be smart enough to know someone well enough that you can see if their words align with their actions. If you don't know them long enough to determine that, then you haven't known them long enough to have sex if a relationship is what you want. Jumping into the sack after a night out drinking is what a casual sex woman does, it isn't the road to commitment and boyfriends. However, it is perfect for having fun and perhaps starting a FWB if that is something you desire. Having an easy rapport with a man who you both have similar interest in say, boxing, and who invites you to his gym where you can be taught foot moves might be something more than just a casual fling. If he values your time and isn't late, makes plans promptly, doesn't play games and is keen to see you, even better. If a serious relationship or exploring if there could be something more for your future is what you want, make it clear and accept nothing less. Be clear about what you want, be clear that you don't play games or tolerate disrespect and be honest about intentions always.
Good luck,
Grumps

I know everything you said. I read it million times at million different places .

I actually am confident that I know how to have a relationship.

I know what To do to have a relationship and

I also know what to do to have some casual fun and I know what I will get in return.

I know (after two dates )exactly whether someone only wants sex and I act accordingly depends on what I want from him.

I know all these stuff. But my problem is, why They just don't like me enough to start a relationship. And it gets back to my original question: I'm not in their gf league? It just confuses the hell out of me and ruins my self esteem.

I have been single for a long time and girls want sex too..when I get sexually frustrated I go to a club and I can usually get some cute guy To chase me then I will have casual sex with him. In fact It just happened last week. And of course he doesn't want more than just sex.

March 17, 2014

This happened to my friend. She had some casual sex with someone from a club and they still end up being in a Relationship !
But when it comes to me It will never work out like that god damn it.
But I sense some of you might get the wrong idea: I don't mean I always go to clubs to seek my potential bf .

Oh hey! I'm the one who is pro casual sex here! You'll get no judgements from me!

Whatever floats your boat honey.

March 17, 2014

^^^^ This. Listen to this guy. He knows what he's talking about.

I don't think I'm that slut who sleeps with everyone and guys know my "name".

I just turned 25,living in a relatively big city. Had sex with 8 guys my whole life including 2 serious bf. before 23 my life was perfectly normal. Met many nice guys and a fair share of *******s, had some meaningful relationships and enjoyed a normal amount of casual fun...just like very other girl. But after 23 things just get f**cked..not even healthily functioning.i mean I graduated from a good uni and successfully started a nice job which I Lao enjoy and I have a healthy friends circle and everything but I just never met any guy with whom things can progress..and I get lonely..

Edited March 17, 2014 by h0000

March 17, 2014

Honestly, I don't think it is you at all. You are internalizing other people's disinterest for LTRs right now when that could just be where they are in their lives. Red Robin is right...if you want a committed bf, a serious relationship, you have to make that intention clear from the beginning. That weeds out all the guys who just want to hookup and have casual sex with no strings. In fact, I respect the way she handles her dating life...she makes it very clear what she is after and respects herself enough to demand exactly what she wants. She would be one to listen to if that is what you want...a bf, serious relationship and emotional intimacy.
Good luck, there is nothing wrong with you,
Grumps

You mean I just happen to meet guys who are in the stage that they are not interested in relationships?

But what I heard is that guys just haven't met the girl they are interested in getting into a relationship with.

March 18, 2014

It has ben my experience that if you meet somebody in a bar & have casual sex with them, especially before a proper date, it will rarely go farther.

Other than clubs where else are you trying to meet guys h0000? The locations you chose may be having an effect on the outcome.

March 18, 2014

I don't think I'm that slut who sleeps with everyone and guys know my "name".
I just turned 25,living in a relatively big city. Had sex with 8 guys my whole life including 2 serious bf. before 23 my life was perfectly normal. Met many nice guys and a fair share of *******s, had some meaningful relationships and enjoyed a normal amount of casual fun...just like very other girl. But after 23 things just get f**cked..not even healthily functioning.i mean I graduated from a good uni and successfully started a nice job which I Lao enjoy and I have a healthy friends circle and everything but I just never met any guy with whom things can progress..and I get lonely..

Most guys your age, and any age, want an actual relationship. Of course, if you are only meeting guys at bars and having sex on the first date, or very early on, don't expect to find relationship minded men. At the bar, they will either be only looking for a hookup, or deem you as not relationship quality if you are too easy.

March 18, 2014

This happened to my friend. She had some casual sex with someone from a club and they still end up being in a Relationship !
But when it comes to me It will never work out like that god damn it.
But I sense some of you might get the wrong idea: I don't mean I always go to clubs to seek my potential bf .

This is the exception - not the rule. Statistically, the best places to meet potential long term partners are work, school and through your social circle.

Meeting strangers for casual sex is not a good way to get into a relationship, whether that be in a club or through online dating. Meeting strangers for casual sex is a great way to have casual sex though, if that's what you're looking for at the time.

March 18, 2014

I don't go to clubs and expect to find a bf although my friend can get bfs from clubs..and I never can!

I have met guys from clubs yes, and also working environments and dating websites. Nothing progressed to anything whatsoever.

However though I don't really get to meet many guys.

I do go to clubs cuz I'd like some fun as well from time to time..but that's not a big part of my life and certainly not the reason I started this post.

March 18, 2014

I don't go to clubs and expect to find a bf although my friend can get bfs from clubs..and I never can!
I have met guys from clubs yes, and also working environments and dating websites. Nothing progressed to anything whatsoever.
However though I don't really get to meet many guys.

I do go to clubs cuz I'd like some fun as well from time to time..but that's not a big part of my life and certainly not the reason I started this post.

No need to justify yourself sweety.

do your thang!

March 18, 2014

Most guys your age, and any age, want an actual relationship. Of course, if you are only meeting guys at bars and having sex on the first date, or very early on, don't expect to find relationship minded men. At the bar, they will either be only looking for a hookup, or deem you as not relationship quality if you are too easy.

Just for the sake of argument..if most of guys want an actual relationship..then most guys I meet in clubs should also want relationships? Then why did you say they be only looking for hookups?

March 18, 2014

No need to justify yourself sweety.
do your thang!

Going clubbing is my last choice..I would much prefer a real bf but since it never works out I have to find someway to relieve my "needs" lol

But anyway..it is not really relevant to my post here..

March 18, 2014

Going clubbing is my last choice..I would much prefer a real bf but since it never works out I have to find someway to relieve my "needs" lol
But anyway..it is not really relevant to my post here..

Go for it sistah!

And you know, being sexually active has many proven advantages. I have a new partner and since I met him, I'm a lot more relaxed and happy (as in always in a good mood).

Orgasms give you that 'glow' that attracts people.

Good luck finding that special someone.

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