mtber75 Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 I have this close friend for over 15 years and lately I'm beginning to think that he is gay and not out of the closet? I never seen him with a woman or flirt with one and we never talk about relationships in a guy to guy manner. He saids that he goes out on dates but never gives me the details like what my other male friends would do. I like to go out at nights and socialize with people preferably with women. But his not into that even though I tell him that there will be lots of women there? What's the deal? He is a Christian and pretty conservative but why hid this stuff from me (his best friend) anyways? I don't really care about his sexuality. Any suggestions on how to approach him about this? If he is indeed gay and comes out? I don't know how I will react? Anyone else have this similar experience? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 Rather than confront him or question him directly, (his religious beliefs might make his possible sexuality a shameful stigma for him to bear) make up an imaginary friend/relative who's gay, and tell him, in a roundabout way, that you are indifferent to homosexuality, you admire it, you have no objections, you're fine with it, whatever.... somehow get the message across, so that if perchance he did want to come out of the closet - should said closet even exist - it's safe for him to do so with you.... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 ^ good idea. Or jokingly say "Sometimes I wish I was gay. Life would be so much easier." Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 If your goal is to get a straight answer, then ask a straight question. Do so in a non judgmental tone, that retains acceptance no matter what the outcome is. Because the bottom line is simple, he is a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 Although you say that you don't care about your friends's sexuality, you also say that you're not sure how you will react which makes it sound as though you do have some reservations. If so, encouraging your friend to confide in you may not be in his best interest. If he is gay and has had problems accepting his own sexuality due to fear of judgment or rejection by his family or even because he is conflicted about his religious beliefs, it would be best for him to come out first to someone who can be 100% supportive and understanding. Despite having a genuine desire to help, you may not be that person. Likewise if your interest is purely curiosity rather than a desire to be supportive during what could be one of the most challenging times of his life. On the other hand, if you are open to homosexuality and are willing and able to offer him support and understanding, let him know that you are there for him "no matter what". If he is gay, he'll know what you are referring to and tell you when he's ready. Be patient. Don't put him "on the spot" or try to force him out of the closet until he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtber75 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Share Posted March 17, 2014 Although you say that you don't care about your friends's sexuality, you also say that you're not sure how you will react which makes it sound as though you do have some reservations. If so, encouraging your friend to confide in you may not be in his best interest. If he is gay and has had problems accepting his own sexuality due to fear of judgment or rejection by his family or even because he is conflicted about his religious beliefs, it would be best for him to come out first to someone who can be 100% supportive and understanding. Despite having a genuine desire to help, you may not be that person. Likewise if your interest is purely curiosity rather than a desire to be supportive during what could be one of the most challenging times of his life. On the other hand, if you are open to homosexuality and are willing and able to offer him support and understanding, let him know that you are there for him "no matter what". If he is gay, he'll know what you are referring to and tell you when he's ready. Be patient. Don't put him "on the spot" or try to force him out of the closet until he is. Thanks for the suggestions! I do think that he may be afraid that I may judge him or this may effect our friendship! Although I always knew people who were gays throughout my life from work to personal, I never had a close friend that's gay... That's why I mentioned that I may not know how to react? Also I tend to be machismo in the way I act so this may further deter him from coming out to me? The kicker is that he went out of his way to hang out with my other friend who is gay.... We went out together late night recently which he never does! Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Thanks for the suggestions! I do think that he may be afraid that I may judge him or this may effect our friendship! Although I always knew people who were gays throughout my life from work to personal, I never had a close friend that's gay... That's why I mentioned that I may not know how to react? Also I tend to be machismo in the way I act so this may further deter him from coming out to me? The kicker is that he went out of his way to hang out with my other friend who is gay.... We went out together late night recently which he never does! You could quietly ask yr gay friend's opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Kopite Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Is he the type to confide in you for other things though or just this? Maybe he's just extremely reserved and keeps these things to himself. I know I don't tell anyone at all much about my love/dating life- be it my male friends or my family. I just don't want other people to know. Regarding his not wanting to flirt, maybe he's just extremely shy as well? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtber75 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Share Posted March 17, 2014 Is he the type to confide in you for other things though or just this? Maybe he's just extremely reserved and keeps these things to himself. I know I don't tell anyone at all much about my love/dating life- be it my male friends or my family. I just don't want other people to know. Regarding his not wanting to flirt, maybe he's just extremely shy as well? Yes he is a pretty private person. To this day, I really don't know what he does in his free time? Like I said before, when he does talk about his social/dating life its usually vague and lacking in details. Yes he doesn't like to talk about his personal life! To his credit, he did agree to go out socializing with me at night recently although it was probably to see my other friend (more obvious gay). He was trying to make it look like its not a big deal but obviously he agree to go with me because he knew my other friend would be there. We hung out at a busy bar and met up with an bigger party. Interestingly while I was talking with multiple people, he was just talking with my other friend the entire night. At first I was little bother by the fact that he would hid his true self from me, his best friend. I'm pretty open with him about my social/dating life. But I guess this is his personality. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 I have this close friend for over 15 years and lately I'm beginning to think that he is gay and not out of the closet? I never seen him with a woman or flirt with one and we never talk about relationships in a guy to guy manner. He saids that he goes out on dates but never gives me the details like what my other male friends would do. I like to go out at nights and socialize with people preferably with women. But his not into that even though I tell him that there will be lots of women there? What's the deal? He is a Christian and pretty conservative but why hid this stuff from me (his best friend) anyways? I don't really care about his sexuality. Any suggestions on how to approach him about this? If he is indeed gay and comes out? I don't know how I will react? [/B] Anyone else have this similar experience? You don't react. Just accept and love him for who he is. IF he is gay, so what? It doesn't change who he is and the fact he's been in your life for so many years. You said two different things there, you don't care if he's gay or not but not sure how you'll react? Meaning your feelings might change if he is actually gay? Maybe he is private and not ready to come out. What you can do though is tell him you love him and always will, so if he ever needs to talk to you, about anything at all - NOTHING he can tell you will change your friendship with him. Maybe that is what he needs to hear from you. Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Seems to me that he's just a very private and introverted person in general. Nothing wrong with that. Some people are VERY careful about sharing details of their personal lives with just about anyone, including close friends and family. It's possible he was raised that way from the very beginning by his parents. It's possible that he used to be a far more open and outgoing person years ago, and then something very bad happened that may have been due to his openness, so he changed his ways. Perhaps some of the other people he knows or has known are more judgmental. I do not recommend asking him (directly or indirectly) if he's gay. Curiosity about other people is normal, but I suggest just letting the whole thing drop from your mind and just be a good supportive friend. Link to post Share on other sites
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