Waverly Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I do feel for everyone in this situation. It sounds like he is just cracking under the pressure and stress of this situation. I would genuinely worry about him. Is he in therapy at all? Does he have anyone he can talk to about everything? My A only lasted a few months, but it was hard on both of us (me and my xAP -- we haven't had a D-Day yet). The dichotomous way of living is impossible for most people. I know it was for me. To be honest, your MM sounds like he's just paralyzed -- he doesn't really know what to do or where to turn. I'm sorry you're all going through this. 1
KaliLove Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Yes i know that, but it is me against what, several kids, several millions relations, who wants that kind of stress at 50? she should make the decision, not me. not him. she can make the decision, she knows after 5 years (then) that he loved me for sure. She never saw any proof that it ended, and accepted that the love just ended, just like that, it didn't. so now he stays - of course, i have not asked him to leave. I have no where for him to go right now not with me right now for sure. So he stays because he is simply SCARED. If my MM fell for someone else, sure as hell I would not want him During out affair we split and i had two guys wanting me, was nice for a bit, cannot say I could give that up either. Eventually i wanted MM as i realised that was the real thing As regards the quoted post, you think our love is not reality, be sure we have faced the sht that most people face in a lifetime and we have done mundane stuff we do mundane stuff, we have been through the mill of most relationships, not all affairs this long are all about romantic dinners and smart suits, they are sometimes about real life,..... but you will not believe that Why do you have to provide a grown man with a place to go? Does he not work? Does his wife support him financially? Why should she be the one to make the decision, particularly if she believes that it's over with you two? Why hasn't he grown a pair and just left? What is he so afraid of? If it's losing his kids, then he has nothing to be scared of..it's unlikely that he would never see them again. Anything else is just an excuse. Sounds like he's been lying and stringing you both along. This will not end well for anyone.
Heart of Dixie Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 He isn't crazy. He's on drugs. Probably cocaine or another kind of stimulant.
KaliLove Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Why do you have to provide a grown man with a place to go? Does he not work? Does his wife support him financially? Why should she be the one to make the decision, particularly if she believes that it's over with you two? Why hasn't he grown a pair and just left? What is he so afraid of? If it's losing his kids, then he has nothing to be scared of..it's unlikely that he would never see them again. Anything else is just an excuse. Sounds like he's been lying and stringing you both along. This will not end well for anyone. Also, why is he so willing to hurt you by staying with his wife and keeping you a big secret but not willing to hurt her by leaving for you? To me, that would mean that she is the priority over you.
Author verity123 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 He isn't crazy. He's on drugs. Probably cocaine or another kind of stimulant. I must say that did cross my mind..... he has taken drugs before but I do not understand drugs so cannot be sure.
peaksandvalleys Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 6 years affair. We are in low contact, we had a d day and six months later, still seeing each other. But he appears to have gone mad. He contradicts himself. for instance, he will tell me to be at such a place. I get there and he starts behaving like he is surprised to see me. Then he does the head banging and tells me he is losing it. I left him alone suddenly for a week and then he chased me round town and we met up and just stared at each other held hands. I do not know if he is mad or cracking. He looks crazy. He loves me I am sure of that - he just cannot reconcile that with what is going on at home. His bs is fully aware of us and maybe things are starting to click and I guess after reading here, he is stuck between convincing himself he is doing the right thing by staying. But he is far from happy and he is behaving rather bizarrely. so do you think I have driven him crazy??? And BS, post affair, have you experienced your H behaving weirdly? He said he does not care about anything anymore. How do you get sense out of someone who has shown not even an ounce of sense? He is living the life he has chosen to live. 1
Author verity123 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Why do you have to provide a grown man with a place to go? Does he not work? Does his wife support him financially? Why should she be the one to make the decision, particularly if she believes that it's over with you two? Why hasn't he grown a pair and just left? What is he so afraid of? If it's losing his kids, then he has nothing to be scared of..it's unlikely that he would never see them again. Anything else is just an excuse. Sounds like he's been lying and stringing you both along. This will not end well for anyone. Where did I say he could come to live with me??? He is not stringing me along, he is going crazy, I am not sure if it is drugs or real life.
KaliLove Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Where did I say he could come to live with me??? He is not stringing me along, he is going crazy, I am not sure if it is drugs or real life. Where did I say you said he could come live with you? Verity: I have no where for him to go right now not with me right now for sure Kali: Why do you have to provide him with a place to go? Why can't he find an apartment on his own? Does he not work? You cannot drive a person crazy. You don't have that much power over him. If something actually is mentally wrong with him, it's got nothing to do with you. 2
rumbleseat Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 If you honestly think he is mentally ill, then if you ,love him at all, you wil step away and let him get the help he needs. If being with you is what is best for him and is what makes him happy, he will make that happen. If he does not, then you will need to accept that. If you think that being in the A, and having contact with you is what is making him act like he is on the edge of losing it, then it would seem that you really need to think about that long and hard. How is that love? Love doesn't harm you, it lifts you up. If his version of loving you means that he is losing his grip on himself, then what does that tell you? That doesn't sound like "love", it sounds more like obsession, which in incredibly unhealthy. To me, it says that he needs to sort himself out before he can even think of being with someone. With his W, it can't be helped, as they are tied together at so many levels. You have the luxury of not being in that situation. You, even though it may be emotionally hard, can walk away. 4
HermioneG Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 If you honestly think he is mentally ill, then if you ,love him at all, you wil step away and let him get the help he needs. If being with you is what is best for him and is what makes him happy, he will make that happen. If he does not, then you will need to accept that. If you think that being in the A, and having contact with you is what is making him act like he is on the edge of losing it, then it would seem that you really need to think about that long and hard. How is that love? Love doesn't harm you, it lifts you up. If his version of loving you means that he is losing his grip on himself, then what does that tell you? That doesn't sound like "love", it sounds more like obsession, which in incredibly unhealthy. To me, it says that he needs to sort himself out before he can even think of being with someone. With his W, it can't be helped, as they are tied together at so many levels. You have the luxury of not being in that situation. You, even though it may be emotionally hard, can walk away. Agreed. He sounds delirious and disturbed. If you truly adore him, you should want the best for him. Hopefully, his wife can help him to regain sanity. You are lucky that you can step away from this mess with no clear resolution. It is very clear that you adore him. But this kind of crazy just isn't good for you. 6
Spark1111 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Verity, you cannot LOVE a person whole, stable, sane. That is a romantic myth....trust me, I know this to be true. We WANT, NEED to believe, true love can make a person whole and happy. SO NOT TRUE. THEY have to want to help themselves to become WHOLE and HAPPY. They have to do the heavy lifting, be proactive, seek meds, therapy, and counseling. YOU, as much as you love him, cannot do this for him. So many want to rescue their loved one. That's normal. It is also empowering to think your love can accomplish this. please don't do this. It's common: It's called enabling, but it only sets you up for heartache.....whether you love a drug addict, compulsive personality or the mentally unstable. You need to set him free to hit his rock bottom. it's the only way....as hard and heart-breaking as that may be for you. 3
whatatangledweb Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 What are the two of you discussing before he does that? Is it wanting him to leave his wife or tell her? Or does it just happen out of no where? If I remember correctly he was doing this before your second d-day. It may be stress causing it. It can make you feel as though you are losing your mind. That kind of crazy stress can cause heart attacks. He needs to figure out for himself what he wants. Your affair seems to be making both of you unhappy. It isn't good for you to be around that craziness. I'm afraid he will drag you into it. 1
Author verity123 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) What are the two of you discussing before he does that? Is it wanting him to leave his wife or tell her? Or does it just happen out of no where? If I remember correctly he was doing this before your second d-day. It may be stress causing it. It can make you feel as though you are losing your mind. That kind of crazy stress can cause heart attacks. He needs to figure out for himself what he wants. Your affair seems to be making both of you unhappy. It isn't good for you to be around that craziness. I'm afraid he will drag you into it. Nothing, it comes out of nowhere. Not all the time. He arranges to see me then he behaves oddly. I am guessing it starts at home. And i do not think it is me partciularly that is causing his insanity - i do not even have to open my mouth, as he is like that often after coming straight from home. Edited March 19, 2014 by verity123
Author verity123 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 Verity, you cannot LOVE a person whole, stable, sane. That is a romantic myth....trust me, I know this to be true. We WANT, NEED to believe, true love can make a person whole and happy. SO NOT TRUE. THEY have to want to help themselves to become WHOLE and HAPPY. They have to do the heavy lifting, be proactive, seek meds, therapy, and counseling. YOU, as much as you love him, cannot do this for him. So many want to rescue their loved one. That's normal. It is also empowering to think your love can accomplish this. please don't do this. It's common: It's called enabling, but it only sets you up for heartache.....whether you love a drug addict, compulsive personality or the mentally unstable. You need to set him free to hit his rock bottom. it's the only way....as hard and heart-breaking as that may be for you. I am not trying to rescue him, if anything I am trying to make him see how he is going to be miserable by not facing stuff with or without me. I get angry with him of course too for his toing and froing, change of mind. He does not now how to be happy. He thinks just accepting stuff and not doing anything is the way out.
rumbleseat Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) Nothing, it comes out of nowhere. Not all the time. He arranges to see me then he behaves oddly. I am guessing it starts at home. And i do not think it is me partciularly that is causing his insanity - i do not even have to open my mouth, as he is like that often after coming straight from home. Like so many who try and blame the mm's W or his home life for his erratic or "crazy" behavior, the more you try, the more you end up damning the A. If is home life was so terrible that it was making him crazy, then why would you even have started seeing him in the first place? Since I can only assume that he seemed to be acting "normally" when the A started, then logic would say that it's the A that is the root cause of all of this. If it's the conditions he is living with now, then why does he make the choice to stay? Why, given that he could leave to be with his true love ( whom you claim is you) then why does he stay with his W and only see you on the side? Seems more like he cause of his behavior is a combination of guilt and stress from trying to keep two balls in the air at the same time. He feels guilty for hurting you, for hurting his W, and the stress of trying to keep you both in the dark is wearing him out. That's what is making him act like this, and it's a very dangerous thing. It's dangerous because if, as you say, he is losing it and he doing nothing to make a change then this could very easily have a really bad outcome. He will just keep sinking lower and lower into poor mental health, as he doesn't seem to be able to stop the decent. Having dealt with mental health issues in someone I love, I can assure you that you can't "love" it away. the person needs to seek help for themselves, and then undergo the rigorous process of healing. It's not an easy road to follow, and it involves making some very tough decisions about removing the things in your life that are making you ill. Since he doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to help himself, then if you really do love him, you need to step away to give him the space to sort his life out one way or another. If you don't, it's like poking a hornet's nest with a stick. you most certainly do have the ability to stay away from him until he sorts himself out. Simply tell him the terms that he will have to meet in order for you to agree to be in any sort of contact and relationship with him, then stick to it. Whether or not you drive by the same place at the same time, etc. is irrelevant. That doens't mean that you need to speak with him. If this really is a great love with some sort of a mystical connection, once he has some room to breathe and get his thoughts and feelings sorted out, he'll end his M to be with you, as that won't be something he can walk away from. If he does that, and I were in your shoes, I would insist that he get some therapy to learn better ways of dealing with the stressors in his life. If he doesn't end his M, he either doesn't love you as much as you think he does, or he does love you and is simply a coward. Either way, do you really need that in your life? Pf course, there is the chance that he is just being melodramatic and trying to gain your sympathy with exaggerated gestures of angst. Agian, that's not really a good sign, as this is your real life, not some soap opera. Edited March 19, 2014 by rumbleseat 3
gettingstronger Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Like so many who try and blame the mm's W or his home life for his erratic or "crazy" behavior, the more you try, the more you end up damning the A. THIS^^^ Why blame home or his wife-why not just acknowledge that living a lie and betraying people eats at you day by day- I agree with the others- let him hit bottom on his own and see where the pieces fall when he makes his way back- 1
peaksandvalleys Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I am not trying to rescue him, if anything I am trying to make him see how he is going to be miserable by not facing stuff with or without me. I get angry with him of course too for his toing and froing, change of mind. He does not now how to be happy. He thinks just accepting stuff and not doing anything is the way out. How do you make an adult see? I do not understand this. His perspective is his alone isn't it?
yellowmaverick Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Agreed. He sounds delirious and disturbed. If you truly adore him, you should want the best for him. Hopefully, his wife can help him to regain sanity. You are lucky that you can step away from this mess with no clear resolution. It is very clear that you adore him. But this kind of crazy just isn't good for you. It's clear that she Just ADOREs him, but I think it has run its course. 8
Author verity123 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 I do truly adore him, with all my heart. But I can see I am being bullied by BS now, so this post has run its course. Goodnight
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I am not trying to rescue him, if anything I am trying to make him see how he is going to be miserable by not facing stuff with or without me. I get angry with him of course too for his toing and froing, change of mind. He does not now how to be happy. He thinks just accepting stuff and not doing anything is the way out. Then the best thing you can do is suggest and push him towards counseling. Other than that, there is nothing you can do to get to him to do as you want him to. HE is an adult, so if he chooses to be miserable and do nothing, just continue on with his A and stay married, so be it. If you can't take it anymore, then let him go. If you stay, then you are enabling him to do..Nothing. 1
2sunny Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 There is NO WAY to make him see what he chooses not to. You may love him - but that's not enough to make this change...
KaliLove Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I don't see any bullying going on. All I see are valid comments and questions that you don't want to answer. 1
PurpleCardigan Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Verity, I've never encountered a scenario like this before, so I understand your confusion. I do echo the thoughts of others to encourage him to get IC where he can sort stuff out. But I've know guys who withdraw & push away (my xMM) and those that try to talk things out. So maybe if this is stress you can ask him what he needs....meaning it might not be a serious talk about what's going on but a movie, or nice dinner or a good workout whatever he may like so that he can relax a bit and try and find himself again. I will say that for myself, when I'm on overload I exercise until I want to drop and then keep going. What is it that can do to help cope? Just a thought.
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