I can't get any sense out of him

[verity123]

6 years affair. We are in low contact, we had a d day and six months later, still seeing each other. But he appears to have gone mad. He contradicts himself. for instance, he will tell me to be at such a place. I get there and he starts behaving like he is surprised to see me. Then he does the head banging and tells me he is losing it. I left him alone suddenly for a week and then he chased me round town and we met up and just stared at each other held hands. I do not know if he is mad or cracking. He looks crazy. He loves me I am sure of that - he just cannot reconcile that with what is going on at home. His bs is fully aware of us and maybe things are starting to click and I guess after reading here, he is stuck between convincing himself he is doing the right thing by staying. But he is far from happy and he is behaving rather bizarrely. so do you think I have driven him crazy??? And BS, post affair, have you experienced your H behaving weirdly? He said he does not care about anything anymore.

[Poppy's sister]

It sounds a bit odd, I was just about to start a thread about my mm who is so conflicted over his home situation but your post sort of has same theme.

Your AP does sound like he is not coping well with the duplicity and double

Life. However you say his wife knows about you....so why is it so hard ? Sitting staring at you , holding hands....yep my mm does that too, we see eachnother every week for breakfast and he stares at me with such intensity it is a little freaky at times. Maybe your AP is just desparate to imprint you on his brain for when you are apart ?

Have you tried talking about his behaviour to him ? Stress can cause some odd behaviours .

[verity123]

We saw each other every day till six months ago d day. I guess his BS, well i am sure his BS thinks it is over. This is the second d day. The conflict is mental. All the kids got involved in the second d day and he has tried to convince the youngest that it is over. But although we are not meeting for sex, we are meeting for love.

[thinkingofhim]

This "love" doesn't sound like it's doing you, or him, or anyone involved any good or bringing anyone happiness. What are you getting out of this exactly? Why is this the kind of love you want?

[verity123]

who can choose the kind of love they get. This is deep romantic love, not everyone experiences it. it is spiritual, sensual and all consuming, I did not choose it, it chose me. I can finish his sentence, he knows where to find me, i know where to find him, we do not even need a phone. Cannot explain it, cannot give it up:love: It is not fulfilling, will it ever be fulfilling, even if we were together, hell I don't know.

[Poppy's sister]

I know what you mean, we do not get to meet often for any kind of intimacy, but once a week sitting across a table, I get more intimacy and emotional connection than ever before. No matter how hard it is , I don't think I cn give it up either. I completely understand why you are worried about his mental health. You love him, you care about his health and you hate seeing him so distressed....it's natural to feel like tht about someone you love.

If this is second d day....did his BS take him back twice ?

[jwi71]

6 years affair. We are in low contact, we had a d day and six months later, still seeing each other. But he appears to have gone mad. He contradicts himself. for instance, he will tell me to be at such a place. I get there and he starts behaving like he is surprised to see me. Then he does the head banging and tells me he is losing it. I left him alone suddenly for a week and then he chased me round town and we met up and just stared at each other held hands. I do not know if he is mad or cracking. He looks crazy.

 

It is probably very stressful for him. Having to choose the life he has now and some version of a life with you. A say "some version" because the very nature of your R with him will change if he leaves for you - going from A to R. That changes, and it always changes, is a great big unknown. SO...why leave what I know to be real for a uncertain view of what will be real. Its one thing to be dating (and even then with the heightened sense of forbidden) and another to do laundry together. KWIM?

 

But its even worse than that - his M can't be anything other than miserable right now - he just got busted. That has fundamentally changed his M - from the "what I know" I referred to above to something else - and in the short term anyway - its worse for everyone. Thus, the decision is...my M where I am an untrusted outcast vs the AP.

 

On the surface its easy...bail. However, that shared history, the memories, the love....lingers still...and the WS pauses

 

He loves me I am sure of that - he just cannot reconcile that with what is going on at home.

 

Then why hasn't he filed for D and moved out yet?

Look at it this way, after D-Day the BS becomes the psycho-nazi-NSA-spymaster - jail warden. The amount of sheer emotional trauma and upheaval is SHOCKING - for all involved. It would be EASIER to leave. Yet he does not. What does that say?

 

(And this is likely why he makes "dates" and fails to appear)

 

His bs is fully aware of us and maybe things are starting to click and I guess after reading here, he is stuck between convincing himself he is doing the right thing by staying. But he is far from happy and he is behaving rather bizarrely. so do you think I have driven him crazy???

 

The BS is not likely perfectly aware. She isn't, to me anyway, inclined to let him have any contact with you at all. If we put you in her place, would you let him contact his OW? Of course not. So I would venture to say there is more deception going on. And don't go thinking its only her being deceived.

 

And BS, post affair, have you experienced your H behaving weirdly? He said he does not care about anything anymore.

 

As a BH...I'll have to try and remember - its been a number of years since then. I don;t think she acted weird in that sense - but I was very aggressive in my response to it all and my response greatly hindered her. Ha! I say that and I can remember her trying to rekindle her A again - so, maybe not so much!

 

But in that take a lesson. She was free to D me at anytime. Never did.

Why? I would have to say...cake eating. Wanted both. Ultimately lost both though - and it kinda sounds like your MM. Not choosing - so the decision will be made for him by others.

 

Here is the one fact you need to keep in mind...the only reason he is M - he WANTS to be. It honestly boils down to that.

[verity123]

I know what you mean, we do not get to meet often for any kind of intimacy, but once a week sitting across a table, I get more intimacy and emotional connection than ever before. No matter how hard it is , I don't think I cn give it up either. I completely understand why you are worried about his mental health. You love him, you care about his health and you hate seeing him so distressed....it's natural to feel like tht about someone you love.

If this is second d day....did his BS take him back twice ?

 

Yes, but i guess he was not ready to give up, he is paying the price now though

[verity123]

It is probably very stressful for him. Having to choose the life he has now and some version of a life with you. A say "some version" because the very nature of your R with him will change if he leaves for you - going from A to R. That changes, and it always changes, is a great big unknown. SO...why leave what I know to be real for a uncertain view of what will be real. Its one thing to be dating (and even then with the heightened sense of forbidden) and another to do laundry together. KWIM?

 

But its even worse than that - his M can't be anything other than miserable right now - he just got busted. That has fundamentally changed his M - from the "what I know" I referred to above to something else - and in the short term anyway - its worse for everyone. Thus, the decision is...my M where I am an untrusted outcast vs the AP.

 

On the surface its easy...bail. However, that shared history, the memories, the love....lingers still...and the WS pauses

 

 

 

Then why hasn't he filed for D and moved out yet?

Look at it this way, after D-Day the BS becomes the psycho-nazi-NSA-spymaster - jail warden. The amount of sheer emotional trauma and upheaval is SHOCKING - for all involved. It would be EASIER to leave. Yet he does not. What does that say?

 

(And this is likely why he makes "dates" and fails to appear)

 

 

 

The BS is not likely perfectly aware. She isn't, to me anyway, inclined to let him have any contact with you at all. If we put you in her place, would you let him contact his OW? Of course not. So I would venture to say there is more deception going on. And don't go thinking its only her being deceived.

 

 

 

As a BH...I'll have to try and remember - its been a number of years since then. I don;t think she acted weird in that sense - but I was very aggressive in my response to it all and my response greatly hindered her. Ha! I say that and I can remember her trying to rekindle her A again - so, maybe not so much!

 

But in that take a lesson. She was free to D me at anytime. Never did.

Why? I would have to say...cake eating. Wanted both. Ultimately lost both though - and it kinda sounds like your MM. Not choosing - so the decision will be made for him by others.

 

Here is the one fact you need to keep in mind...the only reason he is M - he WANTS to be. It honestly boils down to that.

Yes i know that, but it is me against what, several kids, several millions relations, who wants that kind of stress at 50? she should make the decision, not me. not him. she can make the decision, she knows after 5 years (then) that he loved me for sure. She never saw any proof that it ended, and accepted that the love just ended, just like that, it didn't. so now he stays - of course, i have not asked him to leave. I have no where for him to go right now not with me right now for sure. So he stays because he is simply SCARED.

 

If my MM fell for someone else, sure as hell I would not want him

 

During out affair we split and i had two guys wanting me, was nice for a bit, cannot say I could give that up either. Eventually i wanted MM as i realised that was the real thing

 

As regards the quoted post, you think our love is not reality, be sure we have faced the sht that most people face in a lifetime and we have done mundane stuff we do mundane stuff, we have been through the mill of most relationships, not all affairs this long are all about romantic dinners and smart suits, they are sometimes about real life,..... but you will not believe that

Edited March 16, 2014 by verity123

[verity123]

It is probably very stressful for him. Having to choose the life he has now and some version of a life with you. A say "some version" because the very nature of your R with him will change if he leaves for you - going from A to R. That changes, and it always changes, is a great big unknown. SO...why leave what I know to be real for a uncertain view of what will be real. Its one thing to be dating (and even then with the heightened sense of forbidden) and another to do laundry together. KWIM?

 

But its even worse than that - his M can't be anything other than miserable right now - he just got busted. That has fundamentally changed his M - from the "what I know" I referred to above to something else - and in the short term anyway - its worse for everyone. Thus, the decision is...my M where I am an untrusted outcast vs the AP.

 

On the surface its easy...bail. However, that shared history, the memories, the love....lingers still...and the WS pauses

 

 

 

Then why hasn't he filed for D and moved out yet?

Look at it this way, after D-Day the BS becomes the psycho-nazi-NSA-spymaster - jail warden. The amount of sheer emotional trauma and upheaval is SHOCKING - for all involved. It would be EASIER to leave. Yet he does not. What does that say?

 

(And this is likely why he makes "dates" and fails to appear)

 

 

 

The BS is not likely perfectly aware. She isn't, to me anyway, inclined to let him have any contact with you at all. If we put you in her place, would you let him contact his OW? Of course not. So I would venture to say there is more deception going on. And don't go thinking its only her being deceived.

 

 

 

As a BH...I'll have to try and remember - its been a number of years since then. I don;t think she acted weird in that sense - but I was very aggressive in my response to it all and my response greatly hindered her. Ha! I say that and I can remember her trying to rekindle her A again - so, maybe not so much!

 

But in that take a lesson. She was free to D me at anytime. Never did.

Why? I would have to say...cake eating. Wanted both. Ultimately lost both though - and it kinda sounds like your MM. Not choosing - so the decision will be made for him by others.

 

Here is the one fact you need to keep in mind...the only reason he is M - he WANTS to be. It honestly boils down to that.

 

Looking back, I would probably be with my H had he not discovered our affair and left. I would probably still have been seeing MM, there was no way I would give real love up.

 

Oh hell is gonna open up now....

 

Like he said to me, he has no pressure to have sex or be intimate, I did... that is what gave it away...... sorry

[jellybean89]

He gets an ego stroke from you.

 

Do you know for a fact that when his wife discovered the affair, he stood before her and declared his love for you? Where you there to witness this? You are hearing what he tells you -- which probably isn't the truth. Why would you want a man who continues to reconcile with his wife? He has a life with her and while you may not like that, he continues to want that. He has been given every opportunity to leave, but chooses to stay. She can't take the kids away from him - legally. He continues to have an affair with you and by doing so, is risking his kids. So that tells me he doesn't really care about them since he is willing to risk his wife allegedly moving away with them.

 

Does it make you feel joyful that he continues to lie and deceive his wife? Does it make you feel 'better' than her? Does it make you feel more loved? Does it make you feel as if you won him? Why would you stay with him after knowing he is trying to make his marriage work? Doesn't matter how much he claims to love you -- he is choosing to stay married (for now...) Would you prefer for her to file for divorce, so he comes to you by default? I would prefer for the man to willingly get a divorce, not the other way around. Why do you believe she hasn't had proof the affair ended? More than likely, he told her it ended and she believes and trusts him. Would you prefer her to get a PI to follow him? If she did that, I am sure you would be posting what a crazy stalker she is for doing that. Its a no-win situation.

 

I am sure you two will continue until the next d day....then he may get the chance to be free of her when she kicks him to the curb. You seem angry that his wife goes through his phone and questions him...why in the world would you think she is doing something wrong when she has already had a d day?? He must have told her something for her to stay with him...like you meant nothing to him, you pursued him, etc. We will never know what was really said unless she were to come to LS and tell us.

 

But what is it you want? You said you would have stayed with your H and continued the affair? Why? Why would you do that? I don't understand that part of your last post.

 

Maybe the MM you are seeing will decide he wants a life with you...a real life where you two are a couple out in the open. Only one who knows if that is where his thinking is going is him. Since he isn't making a decision to leave, that would bother me if I were in your shoes because I don't understand him feeling that way if he was truly in love with you. that would upset me. If he's willing to 'risk it all' for you -- then he needs to jump in with both feet and stop playing games with you and his wife. Time for him to mean what he says and say what he means....put up or shut up. BUT, you also say you are okay if things continue like they are because you love him so much. He has no reason to change things since you don't 'mind' him being married and sharing a life with his wife.

 

I don't think he's crazy or having a breakdown -- I think he likes having his cake and it is harder for him to continue the 2 lives since his wife is aware of his past deception and something must have happened for her to be questioning things now.

[rumbleseat]

The fact that you got a d is even more damning. Through seeing you, he has seen that there is life after divorce. Yet he still stays, probably lying to her and working his rear off so she'll believe that he only loves and wants to be with her. If she didn't care, why go through his phone, check up on him, whatever?

 

The more you try to paint her in a bad light, the worse you make him look.

[jwi71]

Yes i know that, but it is me against what, several kids, several millions relations, who wants that kind of stress at 50?

 

Well, he does. After all...he IS choosing this. Coiuld HE not simply make a decision and move forward from there? And really...stress is the outcome no matter which path he takes...so its an inconsequential concern. An EXCUSE.

 

Hard to have sympathy for him when he (along with yourself) took every conceivable action to get here. Now, here you are.

she should make the decision,

 

Correct. And she has. To stay M. She could easily file - and chooses not to do so.

 

not me.

 

You should make the decision best for you.

You have very little say regarding their decision to stay M or file for D.

 

not him.

 

Ludicrous. He can't make a decision about his own life?

Except, and you can't see it - he HAS decided.

The decision he made was...do nothing. Which is, by default, to remain M. So its not a real stretch to say - he has, by virtue of inaction, decided to remain M.

 

she can make the decision, she knows after 5 years (then) that he loved me for sure.

 

Then he has a problem only he can truly resolve. Which woman does he want? Personally, I'd tell him to eff off and come knocking once he KNOWS which woman, which path, he wants. And, I'd want to see a FINALIZED D too...

 

She never saw any proof that it ended, and accepted that the love just ended, just like that, it didn't. so now he stays - of course, i have not asked him to leave. I have no where for him to go right now not with me right now for sure. So he stays because he is simply SCARED.

 

Hogwash. If I can get D with two small kids and no job and a stbxw asking me not to leave...he can.

 

If my MM fell for someone else, sure as hell I would not want him

 

But isn't that the case now?

 

During out affair we split and i had two guys wanting me, was nice for a bit, cannot say I could give that up either. Eventually i wanted MM as i realised that was the real thing

 

HE needs to realize it too - one is not enough.

 

As regards the quoted post, you think our love is not reality, be sure we have faced the sht that most people face in a lifetime and we have done mundane stuff we do mundane stuff, we have been through the mill of most relationships, not all affairs this long are all about romantic dinners and smart suits, they are sometimes about real life,..... but you will not believe that

 

I believe only what actions, or lack thereof, you say he takes in the context you provide.

 

You say he loves you - but is scared to D. Scared to leave all you listed above. To whit I say, he doesn't love you enough. In my world, a man will in fact move mountains for love - and make HER HIS priority. And simply based on what YOU say - you are not his number one.

 

Will you be? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. YOU don't know. Hell, HE doesn't even know.

 

Just my thoughts...

[scatterd]

He is probably lieing about what he and wife really say. for all you know she can be getting fed up with him and jts driving him nuts. She could be making plans of her own. Believe only what you see and know is true,I bet he is telling you both what you want to hear. Protect your heart.

[Spark1111]

I think what you are witnessing it the crashing of the cognitive dissonance needed to conduct a long term affair butting up against her love, his family, and his confusion over what he really values and wants.

 

And, as a fBS, it sure did resemble crazy! I couldn't deal with it and kicked him out to be with his OW. One minute crying to me he loved me, wanted us, and then.....nasty and critical after he had been in touch with her; then angry at ME that I was so distraught. Get the F outta my house you lying scumbag!

 

The man was dissembling, and honestly? I was in so much pain from his betrayal, I could not deal with his crazies.... I kept hanging up on him and set him free.

 

Do you realize you just said it was her job to divorce him? It's as if she, who learned about this most enormous and devastating betrayal only six months ago should have more courage than either you or him. She should be the mommy and divorce him because he doesn't have the courage to divorce her.

 

Are you kidding? Why don't YOU have the courage and call her up and ask her that question. tell her he still calls, you text, you love each other, you still meet him and he holds your hand.....Where is your courage lady?

 

yes.... He did go nuts. did you bring those plates and start hurling them around his head demanding to know what he is doing here?

 

because I am with jiwi....a man is known by his actions...not his sitting on the fence, can't lose an asset, please hold my hand....INDECISIVE LUNACY.

[2sunny]

IF he wanted a divorce - he would get it done - believe me.

 

He doesn't want it.

 

He wants to use and abuse TWO women by torture them with his manipulative lies.

 

 

Yet you signed up for all his crap - and still continue, why is that?

 

Love doesn't explain such horrific behavior - I think you have love mixed up with other things.

 

Love does not look like that in my world...but I am honest.

 

Maybe that is the difference.

[MissBee]

Maybe he needs to see a therapist...

 

His behavior seems erratic and unstable.

 

I am also not clear about if you sound delighted that he may be now crazy because of you or worried

 

But based on the things you say, you both seem to have a very unhealthy and strange way of behaving with each other and sorry this isn't "love" in my book. This just seems like you all are both obsessed in a weird way and play these weird games with each other.

[Furious]

6 years affair. We are in low contact, we had a d day and six months later, still seeing each other. But he appears to have gone mad. He contradicts himself. for instance, he will tell me to be at such a place. I get there and he starts behaving like he is surprised to see me. Then he does the head banging and tells me he is losing it. I left him alone suddenly for a week and then he chased me round town and we met up and just stared at each other held hands. I do not know if he is mad or cracking. He looks crazy. He loves me I am sure of that - he just cannot reconcile that with what is going on at home. His bs is fully aware of us and maybe things are starting to click and I guess after reading here, he is stuck between convincing himself he is doing the right thing by staying. But he is far from happy and he is behaving rather bizarrely. so do you think I have driven him crazy??? And BS, post affair, have you experienced your H behaving weirdly? He said he does not care about anything anymore.

 

I guess that for 6 years he had the best of both worlds and he has become unglued with the reality of losing the control he once had.

 

It's hard for him to accept one or the other, and he is in a kind of withdrawal from his addiction of having it all.

 

He liked his marriage and family and liked having you too. He is acting weird because he cannot handle making a choice.

[Fluttershy]

A lot of people say, though I don't know first hand, that false reconciliation can cause the most damage of all. For a variety of reasons. It canbe planned or unplanned.

 

It can be hard on a BS who takes the leap and trusts their ws that they are done with that only for them to feel doubly betrayed when xamount of time later they find out the affair never really ended or only pauses long enough for them to be lolled into a false sense of security.

 

It can be hard on the WS emotional stability because the first time around they may have the "what they don't know..." but the second time usually involves copious amounts of gass lighting and manipulation and honestly pretty muh the defintion of being an abusive spouse. Obviously some WS are so callous they seem unfazed but others it may drive them crazy.

 

It can be hard on the AP because if deep down inside they thought a dday one way or another would mean the relationship could see the light of day, R destroys that. But they have become so twisted and destroyed inside they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. So when WS comes around again they take whatever is offered and sell their sould a little more. Like anoter chip away at their spirit.

 

To the BS, I wish they all could see and learn what true R looks like and be strong enough to accept only that.

 

To the WS, I wish they could grow up, take responsibility for their actions, work on themselves and stop hurting everyone involved.

 

To the AP, I wish they would love themselves enough to say enough is enough. Take charge of their life and make healthy choices.

 

This is for those who aren't happy in their situations and care about other people's feelings and welll beings.

[verity123]

He gets an ego stroke from you.

 

Do you know for a fact that when his wife discovered the affair, he stood before her and declared his love for you? Where you there to witness this? You are hearing what he tells you -- which probably isn't the truth. Why would you want a man who continues to reconcile with his wife? He has a life with her and while you may not like that, he continues to want that. He has been given every opportunity to leave, but chooses to stay. She can't take the kids away from him - legally. He continues to have an affair with you and by doing so, is risking his kids. So that tells me he doesn't really care about them since he is willing to risk his wife allegedly moving away with them.

 

Does it make you feel joyful that he continues to lie and deceive his wife? Does it make you feel 'better' than her? Does it make you feel more loved? Does it make you feel as if you won him? Why would you stay with him after knowing he is trying to make his marriage work? Doesn't matter how much he claims to love you -- he is choosing to stay married (for now...) Would you prefer for her to file for divorce, so he comes to you by default? I would prefer for the man to willingly get a divorce, not the other way around. Why do you believe she hasn't had proof the affair ended? More than likely, he told her it ended and she believes and trusts him. Would you prefer her to get a PI to follow him? If she did that, I am sure you would be posting what a crazy stalker she is for doing that. Its a no-win situation.

 

I am sure you two will continue until the next d day....then he may get the chance to be free of her when she kicks him to the curb. You seem angry that his wife goes through his phone and questions him...why in the world would you think she is doing something wrong when she has already had a d day?? He must have told her something for her to stay with him...like you meant nothing to him, you pursued him, etc. We will never know what was really said unless she were to come to LS and tell us.

 

But what is it you want? You said you would have stayed with your H and continued the affair? Why? Why would you do that? I don't understand that part of your last post.

 

Maybe the MM you are seeing will decide he wants a life with you...a real life where you two are a couple out in the open. Only one who knows if that is where his thinking is going is him. Since he isn't making a decision to leave, that would bother me if I were in your shoes because I don't understand him feeling that way if he was truly in love with you. that would upset me. If he's willing to 'risk it all' for you -- then he needs to jump in with both feet and stop playing games with you and his wife. Time for him to mean what he says and say what he means....put up or shut up. BUT, you also say you are okay if things continue like they are because you love him so much. He has no reason to change things since you don't 'mind' him being married and sharing a life with his wife.

 

I don't think he's crazy or having a breakdown -- I think he likes having his cake and it is harder for him to continue the 2 lives since his wife is aware of his past deception and something must have happened for her to be questioning things now.

 

You really have no idea at all

[verity123]

A lot of people say, though I don't know first hand, that false reconciliation can cause the most damage of all. For a variety of reasons. It canbe planned or unplanned.

 

It can be hard on a BS who takes the leap and trusts their ws that they are done with that only for them to feel doubly betrayed when xamount of time later they find out the affair never really ended or only pauses long enough for them to be lolled into a false sense of security.

 

It can be hard on the WS emotional stability because the first time around they may have the "what they don't know..." but the second time usually involves copious amounts of gass lighting and manipulation and honestly pretty muh the defintion of being an abusive spouse. Obviously some WS are so callous they seem unfazed but others it may drive them crazy.

 

It can be hard on the AP because if deep down inside they thought a dday one way or another would mean the relationship could see the light of day, R destroys that. But they have become so twisted and destroyed inside they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. So when WS comes around again they take whatever is offered and sell their sould a little more. Like anoter chip away at their spirit.

 

To the BS, I wish they all could see and learn what true R looks like and be strong enough to accept only that.

 

To the WS, I wish they could grow up, take responsibility for their actions, work on themselves and stop hurting everyone involved.

 

To the AP, I wish they would love themselves enough to say enough is enough. Take charge of their life and make healthy choices.

 

This is for those who aren't happy in their situations and care about other people's feelings and welll beings.

 

Two d days - and i told her the first time. She has had proof. She chose to accept that it was over.

 

There is no chance of them having any kind of intimacy as there is absolutely no honesty. And now - i am afraid that he is losing his marbles. He does not appear to know what he has told either of us. He is going mad and so am I. Recent events look like he is either ill in bed or he has gone away on his own (he was supposed to meet me this morning). BS passed me today and looked like she was looking for something. I think he is a complete coward and cannot face anything.

[verity123]

I think what you are witnessing it the crashing of the cognitive dissonance needed to conduct a long term affair butting up against her love, his family, and his confusion over what he really values and wants.

 

And, as a fBS, it sure did resemble crazy! I couldn't deal with it and kicked him out to be with his OW. One minute crying to me he loved me, wanted us, and then.....nasty and critical after he had been in touch with her; then angry at ME that I was so distraught. Get the F outta my house you lying scumbag!

 

The man was dissembling, and honestly? I was in so much pain from his betrayal, I could not deal with his crazies.... I kept hanging up on him and set him free.

 

Do you realize you just said it was her job to divorce him? It's as if she, who learned about this most enormous and devastating betrayal only six months ago should have more courage than either you or him. She should be the mommy and divorce him because he doesn't have the courage to divorce her.

 

Are you kidding? Why don't YOU have the courage and call her up and ask her that question. tell her he still calls, you text, you love each other, you still meet him and he holds your hand.....Where is your courage lady?

 

yes.... He did go nuts. did you bring those plates and start hurling them around his head demanding to know what he is doing here?

 

because I am with jiwi....a man is known by his actions...not his sitting on the fence, can't lose an asset, please hold my hand....INDECISIVE LUNACY.

 

His actions or inactions? Doing nothing, hoping it will all go away is driving him mad. I mean Spark, your WS would have not done anything if you had not?? By the way, the first time i tried to call her she told me to @@@ off before i even said a word.

Edited March 17, 2014 by verity123

[Spark1111]

His actions or inactions? Doing nothing, hoping it will all go away is driving him mad. I mean Spark, your WS would have not done anything if you had not?? By the way, the first time i tried to call her she told me to @@@ off before i even said a word.

 

jeez what did he tell her?

 

Did he tell her it was a work friend and he started helping her with issues in her personal life and it just grew out of control?

 

Did he minimize it, you, while begging back into her good graces?

 

Did he try to paint the OW as the lonely pursuer he could not divest himself of because he had gotten in too deep and did not know how to extract himself after she wanted more and he kept lying to her?

 

Verity, I heard it all. I just did not believe it. Many a wife DOES believe it because she loves and WANTS to trust he is NOW telling the truth. He WANTS her to believe he is the quasi-innocent, typical man in the triangle.

 

I didn't throw him out to make a choice. I threw him out because I deserved better than a lying cheating dog, and told him so. Some wives are much more trusting than I was after DDay. I don't fault them. their heads, hearts and realities are spinning fed by a white-washed version of affair events by the WS.

 

Initially, he just wanted it all to go back the way it was; loving, devoted wife at home and loving devoted mistress kept secret. But he couldn't. The genie was out of the bottle. He started to lose it.

 

Again, my question: If she isn't throwing him out, why don't you cut him off until he is moving towards divorce and has told everyone so?

 

Where he winds up is where he truly wants to be.

[AlwaysGrowing]

How does it make you feel when you see MM self destructing? Besides pointing fingers at his wife, are there any other factors contributing to this?

 

Instead of deciding what others can do to de-escalate this situation, what can you do?

[verity123]

I backed off several times lately. Over Christmas and New Year I did not contact him at all and it was the most horrific time for me. when he contacted me I was elated, higher than a kite.

 

He is self destructing but Spark, he thinks he can go back to how it was before he met me somehow even without honesty. I know he has not told her the full truth mostly because it is hurtful but also maybe he does not think it is necessary. Plus he is a crp communicator.

 

That is why he is self destructing, what he had before with her years ago has gone, he has to change or be honest. In one way I think he wants me out of his head but we have spent every single day together for the last nearly six years bar the last few months.

 

I want to be strong, but I cannot bear it either. I have an almost spiritual relationship with him, please don't scoff, I get feelings of him, very strong ones and then I bump into him at different times of the day, no routine about it. It happened today, I said to myself I must go there at 4pm and I did and just as I told myself not to be stupid, there he was driving past. This has happened regularly throughout our relationship. Maybe he is doing the same and looking for me, but he won't admit that.

 

When he sees me he is in complete denial. Sometimes I push him emotionally and tell him what he has done to me is cruel. He gets all wound up and crazy and bangs his head sometimes has a weird look in his eye., I don't know what is going on at home, but how you get the truth because right now he is not making any sense and it must be the same at home, he changes his mind daily.