herself Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Several months ago I was looking for a photo on my husbands laptop (we have our own) to send to a friend. He had taken the photo so it was on his. In searching for this photo I came across a bunch of photos of girls of all shapes and sizes he had taken of their butts from behind. The subjects werent pising, the women were unaware. I spoke to him, he excused it away, said a certain website I introduced him to that haf a weekly butt highlight type segment got him really fascinated and he liked to tjink he could take his own pics like that. He was sorry, seemed embarrassed & regretful and we moved on. Just last week on a whim I looked again, all these months later & there were more on his laptop, but deleted. This time I didnt speak to him for 3 days, told him i felt sorry for the girls who he had photographed without them knowing, it was not right or respectful and I was considering seperation but had nowhere to go. After 3 days he was so distraught, apologetic, said it was maybe an episode of confusion or depression, it was just those few one day & none since. Then just last night, I had taken a nap after we haf returned from a festival I took a nap & woke to him not home. He returned shortly after I texted him & said he meant to get food but went to local bar instead & was nervous & said he wanted to rest. I knew something was wrong, first time in 15 years looked at his phone, sure enough a dozen videos tjis time, not pics. But just of their butts. Im scared, its not good. I dont know why, never heard of this. He is a wonderful husband, very nice, kind, attentive, affectionate,makes me coffee, helps with everything, takes care of me. I got a hotel room last nite & asked him to leave home today. I cant look at him. I love him but feel this is so sick. I dont know how i can trust him again, its been going on for god knows how long. He said he is seeking professional help. Im scared. I dont want to think he has am addiction because I cant be attracted to a husband who has sex addiction. My 1st husband cheated & lied. I am not sure if my marriage is over. This is scary stuff & sure theres counseling for us too, but im not keen on counseling, but also it cant make a person stop, and I am not sure I can see myself looking at him the same again. This is the worst.
CarrieT Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 This is scary stuff & sure theres counseling for us too, but im not keen on counseling, but also it cant make a person stop This is the critical thing. First off, a person has got to WANT to stop. Also, you aren't keen on counseling so you are going to have huge issues trying to resolve these things on your own. I would suggest you seriously give counseling a try if - and only if - YOU want to continue in your marriage and your husband wants to salvage the marriage. It is going to take a LOT of discussion on both of your parts and can't be done in a vacuum. You need a mediator and someone who can help you - and him - understand why he does this and how to deal with it. 1
Author herself Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 I know we will have to involve a counselor, I just dread it and in this case, he DOES seem to want to stop, but this is now 3 times so it seems to be a big problem. It is creepy and an invasion of these ladies privacy. I told him these things and he fully agreed. This last time was most hurtful because we didnt speak for 3 days, he swore on his life never again & seemed so genuine. We had been drinking at festival so tipsy. This is why I took a nap. So he snuck out, drank ALOT more & took about 20 pics. What if someone caught him? He blamed it on a slip up of drinking. I mean, this isnt a perfect marriage, but close in the whole scheme of things there is alot of love and togetherness. I didnt imagine he may have a sickness. A counselor cant change that. I will always worry now. Already the attraction is gone. I take good care of my looks, clothes, hair, makeup, nebrr let my figure go ever. It isnt enough for him.
CarrieT Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 (edited) You are looking at this as though logic should be able to take care of his addiction. But it is exactly that: An Addiction. And, like alcohol or drugs, an addict can promise all they want that they are going to stop. But they can't help themselves without professional help. How you look, take care of yourself, your makeup... All that makes NO DIFFERENCE to the addict so you cannot take it personally. But if he is willing to seek professional help, then you should help him in that regard IF you want to stay in the marriage. But I honestly wouldn't make that decision without serious introspection and counseling. Also, does your husband know about your own Emotional Affair? Perhaps that could be a reason he needs a sexual outlet... Edited March 16, 2014 by CarrieT 2
Author herself Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 He has NO idea so its unrelated. You might say perhaps thats why I did hm? But I am not looking to blame either side. I am simply trying to understand the issue at hand. "Addiction" seems to be a broad overused term and how many celebrities excuse away affairs. It wasn't my fault, I was sick, its an addiction. How does one know your not just a creep or into kink or forms of voyeurism? It is not always addiction to blame. I guess a professional can say but this issue is so specific, I fear it would be very difficult to find a counselor who can help. I dont understand it. I saw his entire phone. There was no porn even in search engines. No nudity, no inappropriateemails or texts. Doesnt rreally fit the mold of sex addiction. I cant find anything on internet to read about taking pictures of fully clothed womens butts. Voyeurs take pics of nudity for sexual gratification. Not sure even that fits. Im just afraid divorce cant be avoided. I don't even know how to speak to him or look.at him or how to help him.
Turtles Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I don't mean to trivialize your concerns, but this seems like a relatively minor thing to get worked up about, in the grand scheme of things. He didn't cheat on you, he didn't harm anybody, seems like he is a good provider, attentive etc, I think you should be able to work through it, unless there is something else that you are not mentioning that is pushing you toward ending the marriage. 2
Author herself Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 Turtles to a certain extent your right, but if these are harmless photos, at least keep them on your phone and delete, but he downloaded to computer. ...Idk, but I did see it similiar to you at first but still voiced my concern that these girls are unaware they are being photographed, it seemed creepy to do & if someone saw him it could raise concern. The reason its now a bigger deal is he said he saw it was hurtful to me, he was so SORRY and he SAID he put an end to it. But he did it twice more, and it gives me the feeling he CANTstop. Really love this guy. We hhaven't spoken in a few days, already miss him, he texted to say he had an appointment for counseling set up this week so clearly he is thinking it does require action and it is something he needs to work through otherwise, wouldnt HE be downplaying and saying its nothing? I don't know.
katielee Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 what? A "minor" thing to get worked up about? He is taking pictures of women and they are unaware of it. This is freaking illegal! Your husband is a perv and needs IC immediately. AND, I'd kick him out until he overcomes this awful, objectifying habit. Eww.... 2
stillafool Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I would be worried about what else he is doing. Is this serial killer behavior? IDk, I would be really creeped out by this guy. 1
CarrieT Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 He has NO idea so its unrelated. You might say perhaps thats why I did hm? But I am not looking to blame either side. I believe you are wrong. He may not know you are having an Emotional Affair, but he *might* know that you are not 100% invested in the marriage for some reason and this is how he is acting out. It also depicts how rife with trouble your marriage is in... Both of you are are lying and keeping secrets from one another and that is not healthy. If you want to stay in your marriage and build it for a lifelong adventure and relationship, both of you need to agree to considerable counseling and baring open your souls and sharing all your secrets. Without that, you are living a lie and not being true to yourselves. 5
Turtles Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I was trying to think of how I would react if I found pictures of clothed men's butts on my wife's computer, I am sure I would be a bit shocked & puzzled at first, but I think it would mostly make me laugh and offer to pose for her. I mean, it's definitely a bit creepy, but serial killer behavior? That's a bit exaggerated. There is so much other weird crap going on. By the way, in a public place it's usually not illegal to take a picture without a person's consent (otherwise it would be a pain to take vacation pictures and have to get all bystanders to sign a release, lol). Unless you publish it, obviously. That being said if you are offended by it and made that clear to him I think he should be respectful of that and stop... and it IS wrong for him to hide them after he told you he would stop - I am a firm believer that secrets are a marriage killer. But if you love him I am confident you can work through that with him. Maybe it will be a wake up call to try & create an environment that fosters communication and openness. 2
Author herself Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 I just hate to hear my husband being called creepy. He is such a nice caring man. A loving person. He makes me coffee and tea and runs baths, does laundry, speaks kindly to me and others. Every one in our circle of friends and in my family loves him. This is creepy BEHAVIOR but he is not a creep, and serial killer? That crosses the line. My EA was not based on my marital issues or anything lacking with my husband, it was a long term friend, I was insecure all my life, and in a vulnerable spot where i mistook friendship for love. We realized it, we ended it, its done and its between me and ME. Say what you will I am not bringing it up, nor hurting him with it. For now we are living separately this week and are not in contact so the dust can settle and he can get his first counseling session through. I can already tell it wont be the end of us. I miss him and I know this is an issue to overcome but Im not gonna give up on him. Im someonwhere in between Turtles take on it and feeling really blindsided by it. I want to see it through. My husband is a great guy. Truly. 1
Zimber Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Nasty little growing inappropriate/illegal fetish ... yep. Potentially very humiliating, embarrassing, even threatening ... yep. Forgivable ... yep, but only with counseling (this needs to go away). Like any addiction, there must be no booze in the house, no last pill/joint/whatever (metaphor), and you will need to police it! If he is not willing to end this crap (mind he pun), and frankly with your support (phone, email, computer open to you), you need to think about what where why and most importantly ... what if? I'm sad for you. What a difficult thing to deal with. Z 1
PositivelyPink Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Your man is an a$$ man, nothing more nothing less. Good Lord people he is not a serial killer! Sir Mix A Lot wrote a whole tribute to asses and made a video and gained a boatload of money from adoring the female bum. Simmer down people. 5
Spark1111 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Your man is an a$$ man, nothing more nothing less. Good Lord people he is not a serial killer! Sir Mix A Lot wrote a whole tribute to asses and made a video and gained a boatload of money from adoring the female bum. Simmer down people. you are right, but you are missing the point. Nothing wrong with admiring the female derrière. But the compulsion is to do it in secret without their knowledge or permission while lying to a crying wife threatening divorce over it something much more....pathological, no? 3
jimmytwowheels Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 If you're in public, your picture can be taken. It cannot be used for commercial purposes though. At least where I'm from. So no, not illegal. Is it creepy? I think so. Personally. But my good friend likes to watch men plow his wife while he watches. Is that creepy? I think so. They love it. People here are being ridiculous. It's not serial killer behaviour. Firstly, serial killer behaviour usually begins at a young age not randomly in your 30s or 40s, and secondly, it begins most often with cruelty and torture of animals etc, then progresses to humans. Way overblown. Perhaps OP is looking for an out? Either way, you did the right thing by confronting him, and you need to be on him about it. Maybe he does need counselling to understand that it's morally if not legally wrong to do this. As your husband he should be understanding that it makes you uncomfortable and that alone should make him stop. But serial killer, really? Come on.
central Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) He likes female butts. He takes pictures of clothed butts in public. That's the extent of it, correct? He hides it because he knows you are petty and judgmental, and will treat a harmless fetish as a serious problem. His actions aren't admirable, but nothing you've said indicates it's harmful or deviant (just a little creepy), but I think you have the real problem, OP. Maybe you're overly sensitive because you recently cheated on him? Edited March 20, 2014 by central 2
lollipopspot Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 This is a hard one. I don't know if this tends to escalate into being the kind of guy who peers into women's windows at night to get photos, and worse. I don't know, but the secrecy and lack of consent is problematic. If he just wanted to see women's butts, there are a ton of naked female butts he could see for free on the web. But he seems to like to capture them himself, while the woman is oblivious to it. I would want, with counseling, to explore the nature of his fetish further. There needs to be a lot of transparency and honesty about this. I think for himself and for you, this must be explored. 2
Lemonitaz Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Creepy for sure, but at least he's acknowledging it and willing to seek help. If it were me dealing with this, I would ask that he not drink anymore and not go to bars as apparently this last episode was the direct result of that.
Poppygoodwill Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 This is a hard one. I don't know if this tends to escalate into being the kind of guy who peers into women's windows at night to get photos, and worse. I don't know, but the secrecy and lack of consent is problematic. If he just wanted to see women's butts, there are a ton of naked female butts he could see for free on the web. But he seems to like to capture them himself, while the woman is oblivious to it. I would want, with counseling, to explore the nature of his fetish further. There needs to be a lot of transparency and honesty about this. I think for himself and for you, this must be explored. This is the thing: where does it go? Ask anyone who works in sexual crimes and they'll tell you about patterns and how seemingly innocent behaviour was the 'gateway' act that lead them to uglier, more dangerous and violent crimes. Not saying this is necessarily her husband, but there is cause to worry about someone who does this sort of thing secretly as a compulsion. Why? and What Next?
SoleMate Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 It's actually not illegal in the US to take pictures of clothed adults in public in most cases. Depending on how it's done, it can be offensive and/or creepy and/or hurtful to the subjects or others and/or a possible harbinger of escalating behavior, but it is not in and of itself a crime. If the pictures were ever sold, or distributed in a way that allowed identification of the individuals, and perhaps exposed them to ridicule, then that would likely be illegal. This does seem to be primarily a fetish. Treatment and counseling is definitely the way to go. He is such a nice caring man. A loving person. He makes me coffee and tea and runs baths, does laundry, speaks kindly to me and others. Every one in our circle of friends and in my family loves him. For better or for worse....I'd ask him if he is at all troubled by his own behavior. 2
Lernaean_Hydra Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Those photos are called "creepshots". There are entire websites and forums dedicated to that sort of thing. Obviously, the general idea is clandestine photographs various parts of the bodies of fully clothed women (typically butts, sometimes legs, etc). In the grand scheme of things, personally this isn't something I'd get too worked up over or worried about. If the pictures were upskirts or of young girls THEN I'd be worried but honestly, it's just a fetish, and frankly one of the tamest ones a guy could have. I REALLY don't think therapy is called for here and I do believe you're overreacting a bit. He's not cheating, the women aren't nude or underage and the pictures are little more than a physical manifestation of what he'd otherwise be storing mentally in his "spank bank". 1
Spark1111 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Personally, I cannot believe what I am reading..... Did those strange women give permission to have their pictures taken? Were their significant others aware and endorsing it? Worse case scenario he gets caught, get pummeled by an angry BF or H, cops are called, no one presses charges but an incident report is written and flagged. His wife hates it. He has cried and promised to stop.....and STILL does it. Jeez, why can't he buy an adult magazine like everyone else? Because he can't. The sexual rush is in the secrecy of catching others unawares. Yep, gateway voyeurism. she has every right to be alarmed and want it to stop. 2
tired girl Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I find the double standard here mind blowing, have you confessed your EA to him? If not, I don't see where you have the moral high ground in your M. You are upset by the secrecy here, he is unaware of the secrecy that you are holding onto. Why don't you be fair and put you both on even ground. Standing there and being all offended by what he is doing when you are not even being authentic yourself is a little rich. 2
Arieswoman Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I agree with Spark1111, If he carries on like this he will end up getting a punch on the nose from some irate husband/father/partner/boyfriend. Then the cops will get involved and it will all get very nasty. Are any of these pictures of minors? - if so, that's getting real doozy. You need to get a grip on this now, before it escalates and he ends up in jail.
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