Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Is this a common occurence? My ex and I called it quits a little over the month ago because she basically treated me like crap by yelling at me for the most pointless things. Its in the past and I'm moving on. Regardless, I have deen on a couple of dates with a new girl and we seem to be "clicking" a little bit. I find myself more intrigued by her when we talk and get together. However, I still find myself comparing this new girl to my ex. Even though my ex treated me poorly at the end of the short lived relationship, there are still qualities about her that i really liked. I find myself looking for those same qualities in this new girl. I know its not fair to her at all and I want to give this one a chance but I'm worried I won't be able to get on to that same level that my ex and I shared. I don't plan on hearing from or contacting the ex at all so thats not the problem. Anyone ever been through something like this?
saltyfishhead666 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Is this a common occurence? My ex and I called it quits a little over the month ago because she basically treated me like crap by yelling at me for the most pointless things. Its in the past and I'm moving on. Regardless, I have deen on a couple of dates with a new girl and we seem to be "clicking" a little bit. I find myself more intrigued by her when we talk and get together. However, I still find myself comparing this new girl to my ex. Even though my ex treated me poorly at the end of the short lived relationship, there are still qualities about her that i really liked. I find myself looking for those same qualities in this new girl. I know its not fair to her at all and I want to give this one a chance but I'm worried I won't be able to get on to that same level that my ex and I shared. I don't plan on hearing from or contacting the ex at all so thats not the problem. Anyone ever been through something like this? You've been broken up a month? You shouldn't be dating at all!!! This girl is a rebound, and could potentially get hurt too... Not a good situation to be in buddy 3
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 If you're in the 'comparing to ex' frame of mind, you're not ready to date. You should leave well alone until you're indifferent to the ex, and every new date is different, exciting, unique and welcome.
Author Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 Good points.... So very confused.
sooshi Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 It can be hard not to compare, but remember: She is not your ex, and this is a new relationship. If you do keep finding yourself comparing her to your ex, then I agree with Tara... you're not ready to date right now. Appreciate this girl for she is. Embrace what you like about her.
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 You're only confused because you're still nursing a damaged heart. If you give yourself the time you need, then the confusion will disappear. You'll know when the time is right. 1
Author Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 I realize its a possible new relationship and that is why I want to continue to see her because she does have qualities that I do like. I don't want to run away from it because of someone who treated me so poorly not too long ago. In my opinion , that wouldn't be very fair to her or myself. And who knows, she may not be interested in anything further but not knowing would drives me nuts.
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Instead of comparing your current lady to your ex, reverse the comparisons.... look for the better qualities she has, that were lacking or poor in your ex.
organizedchaos Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Instead of comparing your current lady to your ex, reverse the comparisons.... look for the better qualities she has, that were lacking or poor in your ex. Exactly. Appreciate all the better things with the new girl.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Yea thats totally normal when u arent over her !! x take some time to yourself or keep dating but just as 'friends' x
saltyfishhead666 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 If you are just dating take it slow very very very slow!!! Explain to the new girl you aren't over your ex but you do really like her and would like to carry on seeing her but cannot commit until you are healed. She will either run or wait and have fun with you in the meantime (not sex) At least then if she is a rebound and gets hurt she will have made an informed decision to stick around
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 If you are just dating take it slow very very very slow!!! Explain to the new girl you aren't over your ex but you do really like her and would like to carry on seeing her but cannot commit until you are healed. Sorry, this is a bad idea. Your current GF seems to have committed too much of herself to be treated this way at this stage, now.... She will either run or wait and have fun with you in the meantime (not sex) If they've already been intimate, well... you can't go 'backwards'. if they haven't, she shouldn't settle for mere friendship, which is what you're suggesting... At least then if she is a rebound and gets hurt she will have made an informed decision to stick around Who deliberately chooses to stick around if they get hurt this way?
saltyfishhead666 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Sorry, this is a bad idea. Your current GF seems to have committed too much of herself to be treated this way at this stage, now.... If they've already been intimate, well... you can't go 'backwards'. if they haven't, she shouldn't settle for mere friendship, which is what you're suggesting... Who deliberately chooses to stick around if they get hurt this way? Some women do choose that where as I agree it should never have happened to begin with. He should have waited. Now it's more about damage limitation. Either he likes the girl and wants to be around her or Doesn't. If he does then he has to Fess up and make Her own choice. Can't be undone now
soLoveIS Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 From what you've shared it appears normal as long as you don't over do it where it is on Every Little Move She Does. To me it is a normal way of moving on and also Natural Human Behavior. What is great about liking someone new is that you will find good and new qualities in this person. Just be careful to NOT fall in a Abusive Relationship. It takes several months for you to get to know someone. Someone told me it takes about one year before you really see the true person. This is when you start to see if they will be there when you really need them and if they are your type.
Author Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 Well, the good news is that I have not even kissed this girl yet. Our dates so far have just over some drinks and good conversation. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Well, in that case, what do you propose doing about the situation...?
Author Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 Not sure yet. Was at a bar with some friends this afternoon and mulled it over for a while. Still got some thinking to do...
Mondmellonw Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Talking for someone who was used as a rebound: You shouldn't date until you're completely over the ex.
Author Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 The thing is I am over her. I've come terms with the BU and I'm completely indifferent towards her. I don't want to or hope to hear from her nor am I going to contact her at all. It's over 100% and I'm fine with it now. My BU prior to this one was 6 years ago and I put a lot of work in to myself during that time. I was happy by myself and that's when I met the most recent ex. She went cold on me and then shifted all the blame on me. Hell, one if the reasons she was upset with me was because I invited her to a friends daughters bday party. She gave me the silent treatment while saying I didn't respect her boundaries which were way overboard. It was a short lived relationship but it was intense from the get go. She said I moved too fast but she was going along for the ride at the same pace I was. It eventually got to the point where I didn't want to be her doormat anymore and when I brought it up, she freaked out and called me out on some of the most innocent stuff. I got yelled at for asking her to breakfast. Again, I didn't respect her boundaries. At the end of the day, I don't feel like I did anything overly bad so I got over it fairly quickly. My problem here is only looking at the good things I liked about my ex and comparing it to the new lady. I should look at the positives with the new lady and compare those to the ex. I'm not looking for a rebound as I've been fine before on my own. I like the companionship and I know my intentions are genuine. I'm just struggling for perspective. I worked on myself for 6 years and I don't want someone that I knew for such a short amount of time, and who treated me so poorly, affect me to the point where I need to work on myself again. 1
Mondmellonw Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Yeah, I remember reading your story. What I learned from my ex is... One should wait when things are still fresh But in your case, I guess you need to watch what happened from an outsider's perspective. Your ex was on your life for a really brief period. For what I know, she treated you poorly, it was nonsense to get mad at you for what she got mad at you, so... Do you really think you still care at some level, or is it now (only) an ego thing? Once you resolve that question, I think you will be able to move on completely. Goodluck
Author Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 Yeah, I remember reading your story. What I learned from my ex is... One should wait when things are still fresh But in your case, I guess you need to watch what happened from an outsider's perspective. Your ex was on your life for a really brief period. For what I know, she treated you poorly, it was nonsense to get mad at you for what she got mad at you, so... Do you really think you still care at some level, or is it now (only) an ego thing? Once you resolve that question, I think you will be able to move on completely. Goodluck It probably is more of an ego thing seeing as how I really feel like I was fair to the ex with alot of things. She asked for space so I gave it to her and when I wanted to try and see her on the few occasions that I asked, that's when I feel like I got my head kicked in. I asked her to talk about 3 weeks after she went cold and gave me the silent treatment, and again I got beat up for it. Do I care about her? Not really. I have no intention of ever initiating contact with her again. Deleted her from everything and am in the process of trying to completely forget her number. Its stuck in my head for some reason:( So in a sense, I am doing work on myself and trying to put a short and not so pleasant relationshop behind me. I wanted it to work with the ex but not at the expense of someone berating me for the what she perceived were over the top no-nos. i really treated her well and I know I can do this for someone new. I'm just having a hard time with only seeing the good in the ex and not the bad. 1
Art_Critic Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Is this a common occurence? Yeah.. just try not to do it, fake it till you make it and it will all work out in the end.. you will stop doing it when you have another experience under your belt to look forward to remembering... 1
Mondmellonw Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I understand. If you know that you did the right thing then you should feel good about it, it's her loss. To see the bad and not the good on her... It takes time for it. It's been 3 months since I left my last relationship and only on this time mark I was able to really see how better it was for me to leave, so... It will eventually happen to you as well. Just see things as they were, and not as you hope they should have been.
Author Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 Just see things as they were, and not as you hope they should have been. That is a really nice way to look at it because I had such high hopes when we were together in January. I feel as though I was dating someone who was putting on a show for me in December and I really liked that person. But January rolled around and she was completely different...someone I did not care for as much. In the back of my mind, I think I was hoping that same person from December would come back but I guess people can't change who they really are.
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