Broken engagement, then ex-fiance pursues my best friend [update]

March 16, 2014

Hi everyone,

I was friends with "Gary" for over several years. We eventually became engaged, and then he ended it. Within a few days of doing so, he hit on my best friend "Laura" (who he has never met and has hardly ever communicated with, and only online). But Gary was drunk at the time, and he apologized to us both the next day. I understood and I let it go.

However, Gary started to gradually develop feelings for Laura and started to make really bold advances on her. Even after telling him that she's in a relationship and had no interest, he has continued to pursue her. He even wrote her a love song and sent it to ME. You're sending me a love song for someone else after I've told you about how uncomfortable it makes me feel. He had never written a love song for me. He told me he was never in love with me. I found out about his advances from Laura after she felt Gary had crossed a line. She hadn't taken any of his words seriously. Out of feeling like he was not a friend (because I didn't feel like a friend would do this without telling me first), I blocked him for one night and then felt badly the next day. He hated me for shutting him out and encouraging others (Laura and someone else) to do so. My intention was not to hurt him our shut him out, but to show him that what he was doing wasn't right and then I wouldn't put up with it. Caring about him as much as I do though, and not wanting him to hurt, I apologized and unblocked him.

I have shown him an abundance of support over the years, and he has now shut me out without a word. He has continued to pursue my friend, even after saying that since I consider her my best friend, he didn't want to touch that.

I feel very betrayed but I don't know how to be okay without closure, without a feeling settlement with Gary. I've cared about him so much, so deeply. But now that he has shut me out, it makes me feel like our friendship and relationship over the years really was one-sided and that he was never really there.

Am I reasonable for feeling hurt with what he has done? Am I reasonable for feeling betrayed? I am sorry for having hurt him, but he doesn't seem to care about potentially damaging my friendship with Laura, or her relationship with her partner. He seems to only be thinking about what he wants at this point, which is to be with her. It's truly saddening. This is not the same man who proposed to me.

I've apologized to him for crossing lines and for hurting him, and I've made it known to him that I have felt unworthy of his friendship. He has allowed me to continue to feel that way.

I don't know if I should just try to let him go. I would like to be friends with him again someday. He's a good person, and I do miss his friendship. We've both done things that have hurt each other. I never meant to hurt him, but it seems like he hasn't been considering my feelings with all of this, unfortunately.

Any thoughts, please? Thank you so much.

March 16, 2014

Because he hasn't considered your feelings yet u are the one that has apologised.. U have to let him go, nice bloke or not what sort of person does that !? x

March 16, 2014

It's so saddening that years of friendship seem to have been discarded over him having a crush on my friend. Makes me feel like he was never really that much of a friend to begin with. It's so disillusioning.

March 16, 2014

If it looks like schytt, and smells like schytt....

Guess what he is....?

Your apology was completely unnecessary.

He's an A-hole.

You dodged a bullet there, gurl!

Good for you!

March 16, 2014

I guess I did, I don't know. I just don't want to be the object of his resentment. I want for us to be on good terms. I want for us to be friends. I really do care about him. I He's a good guy, just desperate for some sense of fulfillment, I guess. This is far from the best he can be.

March 16, 2014

I guess I did, I don't know. I just don't want to be the object of his resentment. I want for us to be on good terms. I want for us to be friends. I really do care about him. I He's a good guy, just desperate for some sense of fulfillment, I guess. This is far from the best he can be.

And I want to be a foot taller, naturally blonde, have beautiful teeth and an enviable figure, but it's not going to happen.

into each life a little rain must fall.

get your umbrella out honey, because it's raining.

And guess what?

it doesn't matter.

It will pass.

There are just some people for whom a good result is not possible, and he is one of those people.

After what he did to you, why would you want things to be in such a way as to put him in a better light?

He's an idiot.

Accept it, and move on.

He's not worth daydreaming into a better situation, over.

March 16, 2014

I guess I did, I don't know. I just don't want to be the object of his resentment. I want for us to be on good terms. I want for us to be friends. I really do care about him. I He's a good guy, just desperate for some sense of fulfillment, I guess. This is far from the best he can be.

Because your a decent person... He's not x

March 16, 2014

I guess I did, I don't know. I just don't want to be the object of his resentment. I want for us to be on good terms. I want for us to be friends. I really do care about him. I He's a good guy, just desperate for some sense of fulfillment, I guess. This is far from the best he can be.

You SHOULD be mad at HIM!

Stop apologizing - his bad behavior deserves you to react with blocking him.

He did you wrong, very wrong! Act like it!

Going silent after telling him what a complete jerk he's been is more appropriate.

Hopefully, you'll get to a place where you don't hand him any of your power any longer - as he doesn't even deserve that you act kindly to him.

Someone betrays you and throws it in your face - and you apologize??? Heck NO!

March 16, 2014

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I know, I tend to want to be forgiving and compassionate and all of that, and if something goes wrong, I tend to blame myself.

I do feel that I have been wronged and have reason to be upset and even angry, and betrayed.

It's true that I've given him power. A whole lot of it, too, over the years. I can see now that it primarily was a one-sided friendship and so maybe that's why it seems to have been so easy for him to leave me behind. I've invested so much because I've loved him so deeply. I guess it's done.

March 16, 2014

Sorry you are dealing with this.

First and foremost, he is in the wrong, not you. He made the decision to pursue your friend, you blocked him, and he got mad?? You should have kept him blocked. This is what is called a typical narcissist. A narcissist can't deal with rejection because they feel they are so amazing and so great that no one could ever in their right mind reject them. And you did. You blocked him and he couldn't handle it. Let me guess, anytime you got upset, he got angry at you for being upset? Narcissists do not know what empathy is, they can not understand it. You can cry and say how hurt you are but to them, it's all words.

I would block him again. Don't even say you're doing it, just do it. This person is in no way worth your time and feelings. Have your friend block him too.

March 16, 2014

My friend did block him too when I did (for the day), but yes, it really did him him angry and hurt as he felt shut out. We weren't doing that to make him feel that way, just to show him that what he was doing wasn't moral. It wasn't right, and it showed thoughtlessness towards my feelings, and I didn't want to think that it was okay. It was meant to teach him a lesson, but no hurt was intended. Didn't seem to work out that way.

I was very understanding and patient with him throughout the years. I had dealt with a lot, tolerated a lot, and I felt like this was the last straw. But then I hurt him, which I didn't mean to, and I hurt myself in doing so. I have felt extremely regretful for hurting him, but as you all have been showing me, it IS okay to acknowledge that he is in the wrong and that I don't need to blame myself for this or for how I reacted. That how I reacted wasn't an overreaction, and that it was reasonable.

March 16, 2014

His hurt isn't hurt, in the normal sense of the word.

It's indignation, specifically along the lines of

"How dare she do that to me?! Here I am, God's gift to women, and she thinks she can do that to me? The cheek of the woman! She doesn't realise what a catch I am, and she has the audacity to be offended by the actions of a hot-blooded male adonis!"

He's not hurt by your actions; his ego is bruised.

There's a difference.

March 16, 2014

I understand that. He thinks I have feelings for him, and if he were in a good place and truly committed (he definitely isn't right now), I would want to be with him. I think it bothered him how I reacted because we're not together anymore, and I think he feels like I was interfering with how I reacted. I don't know why he has shut me out though. Hasn't said anything, and didn't respond to my message about it.

March 16, 2014

Of course not!

You dented his ego, and he wants to punish you for it!

He will reach out at one point, when he realises you're not trying to prolong the situation, or massage his sensitive male sensibilities...

And that's when you really WILL have to be strong, and not cave.

March 16, 2014

My friend did block him too when I did (for the day), but yes, it really did him him angry and hurt as he felt shut out. We weren't doing that to make him feel that way, just to show him that what he was doing wasn't moral. It wasn't right, and it showed thoughtlessness towards my feelings, and I didn't want to think that it was okay. It was meant to teach him a lesson, but no hurt was intended. Didn't seem to work out that way.

I was very understanding and patient with him throughout the years. I had dealt with a lot, tolerated a lot, and I felt like this was the last straw. But then I hurt him, which I didn't mean to, and I hurt myself in doing so. I have felt extremely regretful for hurting him, but as you all have been showing me, it IS okay to acknowledge that he is in the wrong and that I don't need to blame myself for this or for how I reacted. That how I reacted wasn't an overreaction, and that it was reasonable.

Who cares if you hurt him? If I found out that my ex was hitting on my best friend, I would spare no emotion, and then I'd feel good about it. It's wrong, plain and simple. Stop trying to justify it.

He felt hurt and shut out? Give me a break. You should have laughed when he said he was hurt and felt shut out.

I know dealing with a breakup is traumatic, I am dealing with one now myself. I get upset and look back on things I said and done and think "what if..." Well, "what if..." gets you no where. What's done is done. Show him that his decisions have consequences, which are, he will never hear or see you again.

March 16, 2014

Thanks, TaraMaiden and LauBee. I like how straightforward you are.

My friend isn't communicating with him anymore, and that is one of the consequences of his decisions. I'm sure he's butt-hurt about it. He's hurt that she didn't reciprocate feelings for him, that it was one-sided. He created a fantasy in which she shared an attraction. He hasn't cut her out in social networks, so it's obvious he has chosen her over me to keep in his life. He's never even met her, and they've rarely communicated. I was there for him during his hard times, traveled ten hours to see him when he was in great need of support, supported him in every way I could. And this is what happens. This is how much he truly cares about me. Can't believe this is all coming from the same guy who wanted to spend his life with me.

March 16, 2014

Has your best friend considered taking out a restraining order against him? She should, and so should you. This guy is nauseating and more than a little creepy..you didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a freight train!

Good for you!! Go find yourself a real man.

March 16, 2014

'straightforward'....

That's the kindest way anybody's ever put it.....

Normally, the word 'bitch' has surfaced, regarding my methods....

I'm very much a 'tell-it-like-it-is' no-nonsense, 'shooting-straight-from-the-hip' kinda gal....

March 16, 2014

Have a voice and speak your truth.

Call him up and tell him you never should have apologized and that his behavior is just crappy!

And you deserve a man who doesn't act like that - and you are done with him.

March 16, 2014

Kali, no I don't think he will be in contact with her again. Or if he does contact her, she won't respond. My friend doesn't like him and her partner doesn't want them talking, for obvious reasons. His continuing to pursue her even after she expresses no interest borders on harassment. We all live in different cities, and there's no need to get a restraining order. He is just so down and desperate, I think. Really good guy, but in a really bad place.

Tara, I like how you tell it like it is. I need to hear that with this situation. I've blamed myself sooo much, but now I see that I don't need to do that AT ALL. I do miss our friendship though. Seems like it never happened, or another lifetime ago now, sadly.

You're right 2sunny, I don't deserve someone who behaves that way. I am so surprised and baffled and shocked that he would even consider doing what he has done. I imagine he has been so focused on his goal (being with her) that he hasn't really considered how the rest of us (me, my friend, and her partner) have been affected by his behavior. He asked her what outcome she wanted, but didn't ask about what I wanted out of all of this. It's like I never existed, that we were never friends, or engaged.

Edited March 16, 2014 by sooshi

March 16, 2014

I wonder if I'll hear from him again (in a positive light). He really is a good person, who has been really selfish with this. The last time he talked to me, he said we needed some time away from communicating. But after deleting me in social media networks, he told my friend that he didn't know if he could ever be a part of my life again. I'm not sure what that means. That he is insanely hurt by my reaction? That he seems to know he has been really selfish about this and made mistakes? I don't know. Seems like he hates me though (even though in his second-last message he said he didn't.) Blah.

March 16, 2014

I wonder if I'll hear from him again (in a positive light). He really is a good person, who has been really selfish with this. The last time he talked to me, he said we needed some time away from communicating. But after deleting me in social media networks, he told my friend that he didn't know if he could ever be a part of my life again. I'm not sure what that means. That he is insanely hurt by my reaction? That he seems to know he has been really selfish about this and made mistakes? I don't know. Seems like he hates me though (even though in his second-last message he said he didn't.) Blah.

He's really not a good person at all, and I hope you don't hear from him ever again.

Block him. Everywhere. Then walk away.

March 16, 2014

I wonder if I'll hear from him again (in a positive light).

No.

It will be self-serving, to stroke his own ego, and make sure he still has an effect on you.

He really is a good person, who has been really selfish with this.

'Good person' and 'selfish' are oxymorons and don't go in the same sentence, about the same person. Ever.

The last time he talked to me, he said we needed some time away from communicating. But after deleting me in social media networks, he told my friend that he didn't know if he could ever be a part of my life again.

I have a feeling he probably knew your friend would tell you that.

Drama.

I'm not sure what that means. That he is insanely hurt by my reaction? That he seems to know he has been really selfish about this and made mistakes? I don't know....

He's just making it all about him, rather than considering you have hurt feelings too...

Seems like he hates me though (even though in his second-last message he said he didn't.) Blah.

Oh, I'm sure he feels something for you.

He just feels more for himself.

March 16, 2014

Yeah, it would be disappointing if he felt like he knew my friend would tell me that he didn't know if he could be a part of my life again. I'm not sure why he would hate me though. I crossed some lines for him, and heartfully apologized. I guess it's a choice he makes, and all of our past, everything that I've done to support him is overridden by this. That's silly.

It does seem like he's been making it all about him. After all, he persisted with my friend even after telling her that I considered her my best friend and he didn't want to go near that. Still tried to get her to be interested in him, to change her mind. He continued to communicate with her after shutting me out... someone he has never even met and barely knows! We'd been friends for over four years. It's like it meant nothing to him.

March 16, 2014

Does anyone else have any thoughts? I don't know why I'm so conflicted about this. I guess he was such a big part of my life for so long and it's not easy to let go all of a sudden. BUT I do think him doing no contact/shutting me out with me is probably for the best in the long run.

Sign In

Broken engagement, then ex-fiance pursues my best friend [update]

Recommended Posts

sooshi

HeartbrokenNewbie

sooshi

TaraMaiden

sooshi

TaraMaiden

HeartbrokenNewbie

2sunny

sooshi

LauBee20

sooshi

TaraMaiden

sooshi

TaraMaiden

LauBee20

sooshi

KaliLove

TaraMaiden

2sunny

sooshi

sooshi

KaliLove

TaraMaiden

sooshi

sooshi

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...