TrishWick Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I've been talking to this guy for a little under 2 months. Everything is going well. He's friendly, smart, and funny. But there's just a little problem. He seems to be taking things a little slower than what I'm used to. What I mean by that is I'm sort of ready to begin a relationship but he seems to have a wall up. It's a weird vibe I get from him. It seems like he's "scared" in a sense. I called him the other night and I eased into the subject. He told me "I'm sorry I've been taking it slow. To be honest I'm scared. Please don't blame me. Blame my exs, they made me this way." What exactly does he mean?
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Translation I am not ready to be in a relationship with *YOU*. *I am scared* is an excuse. You drop this man an in a few weeks you'll see his status on FB *In a relationship with*. Don't waste your time with these type of men. You are not a shrink or a nurse. Find someone looking for a relationship and ready and willing to invest himself. 3
iDrumKing Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Translation I am not ready to be in a relationship with *YOU*. *I am scared* is an excuse. You drop this man an in a few weeks you'll see his status on FB *In a relationship with*. Don't waste your time with these type of men. You are not a shrink or a nurse. Find someone looking for a relationship and ready and willing to invest himself. I'm not necessarily disagreeing but maybe the guy actually is scared or has a wall up. It is possible that he's been hurt badly in the past by his exes and wants to take things slow for that reason. When he said he was scared he was probably scared in the sense on losing you. My opinion? Just keep doing what you guys are doing. Boyfriend and girlfriend are labels. If you guys are acting like a couple then why does it matter? 1
HappyLove Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I've been talking to this guy for a little under 2 months. Everything is going well. He's friendly, smart, and funny. But there's just a little problem. He seems to be taking things a little slower than what I'm used to. What I mean by that is I'm sort of ready to begin a relationship but he seems to have a wall up. It's a weird vibe I get from him. It seems like he's "scared" in a sense. I called him the other night and I eased into the subject. He told me "I'm sorry I've been taking it slow. To be honest I'm scared. Please don't blame me. Blame my exs, they made me this way." What exactly does he mean? RED FLAG! This is only the beginning. If you enter a relationship with him every little issue will be blamed on his ex's. Who has time for that? 1
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I'm not necessarily disagreeing but maybe the guy actually is scared or has a wall up. It is possible that he's been hurt badly in the past by his exes and wants to take things slow for that reason. That is exactly why he doesn't belong in the dating world. He needs to work on his fears and get over his past. Now he has nothing valuable to offer a woman. All he will do is build his self esteem back up with her then he'll go to next. Men rarely remain with that first woman after their divorce-seperation. I have dated men like him too many times. Now I run in the other direction. 1
waiting4u Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I don't think this is such a big deal. It's only been two months. Give things a chance to develop. It's true that people get in the way of their own happiness because they've been hurt before, but sometimes that just means you have to take things slower. We've all been hurt, no reason to dismiss someone because of it. I wouldn't be having "the talk" til around 4 months - I mean, maybe 3 if you've been sleeping together a lot.
iDrumKing Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 That is exactly why he doesn't belong in the dating world. He needs to work on his fears and get over his past. Now he has nothing valuable to offer a woman. All he will do is build his self esteem back up with her then he'll go to next. Men rarely remain with that first woman after their divorce-seperation. I have dated men like him too many times. Now I run in the other direction. I see what you. He should indeed rebuild himself first before investing into another women
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I think it's good that he at least recognizes & has acknowledged your concerns. His excuse may be an indication that he's not ready or he's not ready with you, but he gets some credit for realizing it's an issue & it's his.
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I think it's good that he at least recognizes & has acknowledged your concerns. His excuse may be an indication that he's not ready or he's not ready with you, but he gets some credit for realizing it's an issue & it's his. That's the problem; he doesn't. he recognises it's an issue, but he's projecting the responsibility onto his ex's. n other words, "this is what's wrong with me, but I can't do anything about it, becauss I put the blame on the women of my past, so it's out of my hands." Yeah. Right.... 3
Canucklehead Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Translation I am not ready to be in a relationship with *YOU*. *I am scared* is an excuse. You drop this man an in a few weeks you'll see his status on FB *In a relationship with*. Don't waste your time with these type of men. You are not a shrink or a nurse. Find someone looking for a relationship and ready and willing to invest himself. Seems like a pretty hasty solution..... If the communication is good and the dude is being responsible for his own experiences and behavior then this may be far from unworkable. OP..... it is really up to you to decide how much you want to invest in this relationship. Yes, there are many people that are scared by previous break-ups. There are also many who are wiser and re-assured because of experiences.
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Seems like a pretty hasty solution..... If the communication is good and the dude is being responsible for his own experiences and behavior then this may be far from unworkable. OP..... it is really up to you to decide how much you want to invest in this relationship. Yes, there are many people that are scared by previous break-ups. There are also many who are wiser and re-assured because of experiences. Where is he 'being responsible for his own experiences'....?
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Seems like a pretty hasty solution..... If the communication is good and the dude is being responsible for his own experiences and behavior then this may be far from unworkable. OP..... it is really up to you to decide how much you want to invest in this relationship. Yes, there are many people that are scared by previous break-ups. There are also many who are wiser and re-assured because of experiences. I could have been jumping the gun but I am waiting to hear from OP how long he's been single. If he's been single for a couple of years then I'd say it's just normal fears but if he's recently out of a relationship I will maintain my advice. If OP is looking for a relationship then him and her are in different places in their life and it's not worth pursuing. 1
Author TrishWick Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 I could have been jumping the gun but I am waiting to hear from OP how long he's been single. If he's been single for a couple of years then I'd say it's just normal fears but if he's recently out of a relationship I will maintain my advice. If OP is looking for a relationship then him and her are in different places in their life and it's not worth pursuing. He's been single for about 9 months from what I know
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 He's been single for about 9 months from what I know How long was the relationship? Is he coming out of a 20 year marriage or was just dating someone short term?
CadeYeager Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Where is he 'being responsible for his own experiences'....? I don't think he's necessarily putting blame in his exes. He probably wants to nourish this relationship so it doesn't end up like his previous RS. I think acknowledgment of the problem is the first step of actually working on it it. OP I wouldn't be so hard on him. You said everything is going well, just give him sometime to open up, you said he's been single for 9 months I doubt he's using you as a rebound
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 That's the problem; he doesn't. he recognises it's an issue, but he's projecting the responsibility onto his ex's. n other words, "this is what's wrong with me, but I can't do anything about it, becauss I put the blame on the women of my past, so it's out of my hands." By his issue I meant that he acknowledged that the OP didn't cause it. I wasn't implying that he was owning his reactions to past events.
Author TrishWick Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 How long was the relationship? Is he coming out of a 20 year marriage or was just dating someone short term? His previous relationship was 1 year
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 So, you think it's normal that after 9 months (out of a 1 year relationship) he is still bitter? My original advice remain. He is using this as an excuse, he's not done exploring around so he won't lock himself up in an official relationship. My other questions.....you've met him in person? Been on dated?
Author TrishWick Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 So, you think it's normal that after 9 months (out of a 1 year relationship) he is still bitter? My original advice remain. He is using this as an excuse, he's not done exploring around so he won't lock himself up in an official relationship. My other questions.....you've met him in person? Been on dated? Oh yeah. We've been "dating" for about two months. We just haven't labeled it a relationship yet. He's very into me as much as I am him. I was just wondering what I could do to break down these walls he has.
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Oh yeah. We've been "dating" for about two months. We just haven't labeled it a relationship yet. He's very into me as much as I am him. I was just wondering what I could do to break down these walls he has. Men sometimes! So you and him are dating, he's into you, so what would be the difference in your dynamic together if you were official? nothing really. You would continue seeing each other the way you are doing, right? and still taking your time to get to know each other. The only difference would be that he'd have to stop advertising himself as being single, and that he doesn't want, he wants to keep his options open and wants to be view by other women as single. It comes down to how much you are willing to gamble. To me, if after 5-6 dates a man still doesn't know if he wants to be exclusive with me then it's because I did not grab his heart. Most men I dated and were into me asked for exclusivity after our 3rd date. They feared too much someone else would get my attention, they wanted me off that market to get a chance to impress me. Exclusivity is not a marriage, it's not moving in, it's simply saying I will concentrate on you only from now on. If it doesn't work then we will part ways. What's scary in that? 1
Canucklehead Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Where is he 'being responsible for his own experiences'....? "If" is the key word there..... Tara, it is presumptuous for you or I to judge what this guy is really like. Trish will have to figure that one out for herself
Canucklehead Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Oh yeah. We've been "dating" for about two months. We just haven't labeled it a relationship yet. He's very into me as much as I am him. I was just wondering what I could do to break down these walls he has. Hey Trish, keep in mind that it is not up to you to find solutions to his issues. But, being supportive is something different. You may only be able to make a difference with him if he is truly willing to shift his attitude about relationships.
Canucklehead Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I don't think he's necessarily putting blame in his exes. He probably wants to nourish this relationship so it doesn't end up like his previous RS. I think acknowledgment of the problem is the first step of actually working on it it. OP I wouldn't be so hard on him. You said everything is going well, just give him sometime to open up, you said he's been single for 9 months I doubt he's using you as a rebound I think "rebound" duration has too many factors to assume what the OPs guy is going through for sure. Personally, post break-up adjustment has taken me anywhere from a few weeks to a couple years to mend. Depends on the degree of attachment; how the relationship evolved; amicability at the end; etc;.....
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 "Blame the ex's" more like blame one ex that he's still hung up on... ! x I doubt u are the only person in he picture at this point x
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