Aaron8891 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 (edited) Hi I've recently been going through a breakup where I was the one who has been dumped and I really need some advice on where to go and what steps I need to take. I've read tons of these relationship e-books however something specific for my situation would be appreciated sorry its a long post. Run down of my backstory / situation: About 6 months ago my Ex caught me txting and flirting with another woman, we talked it out and she forgave me however I did it again with two women later on (a scum move I know... I'm not proud of it). We stayed together until shorty after this when she wanted to go through my phone one morning and I wouldn't let her (again looking back a dumb move as i had nothing to hide) and she broke up with me after that which I don't blame her for! When we first broke up almost 2 months ago she said she wanted to be friends that still had sex together, but I told her I wont do that. We spoke a little but not much until we got back together just over a month ago... only to break up again shortly afterwards because she said she "can't do this". Then we had a little more time apart and she said she would give it another go with us.... which lasted about 4 days until she went out with her friends one weekend and I didn't hear from her until the Monday when she started being very off with me until she told me that "she cant do it and its not gonna work out" I was upset as she wouldn't talk to me at all until I looked on her friends Facebook and saw a video of her kissing a guy on the weekend she was out which to me is cheating. I text her saying that I want her to collect the rest of her stuff and she told me to throw it away at which point it turns into a bit more of an argument then anything as I ended up taking her stuff to her (to collect my things also) and she wouldn't talk to me about anything or even look me in the eye. I text her that day and we argued again she said that she has had time to think and doesn't want to be with me, I'm not going to get anything out of her and that her friends have said she can do better! I messaged her saying that i loved her and regretted my mistakes and that he has hurt me by doing this but she never replied. After this I've begun not contacting her at all in the hope that I can work something out and its been only 1 week since we had this argument. My concern is however that there is this guy on the scene and I know they are spending time together, I just don't know it what capacity. I really do want us to work and I know its been myself who has started the distrust, I started seeing a counsellor as to why I cheat on my partners (have done so in the past) and I am working on improving myself. So her are my questions: 1) Do I have any hope of getting her back? or will she end up with this friend of hers who she has kissed as I fear they are dating now? 2) Is this no contact going to work? and if so how long should I leave her for and how should I contact her? 3) It is her birthday in 2 weeks, should I get in touch then? 4) What can I do to get her back as I am a bit lost. I know I have made a lot of mistakes in the relationship but i wish to make them right. If you have taken the time to at least read this then I really appreciate it. And if anyone can advise me that would be amazing. Thanks. I forgot to mention! the day after we broke up for the last time I got texts from a random phone number telling me to leave her alone or else! They wouldn't tell me who they was and when i called the phone they picked it up but wouldn't say anything.... im not sure if this was her trying playing some kind of game or she has been spreading things to her friends! Edited March 16, 2014 by Aaron8891 additional information added
Poppyolive Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 How long were you dating? Her catching you flirt text was bad.. She forgave you and you did it again....twice you placed distrust in the relationship and I bet she feels foolish for forgiving you & believing you'd stop.... But you didn't. She had to leave you....this is very unhealthy. Why would you do that to someone you care about and want a healthy relationship with? You have proven time & time again that you dont deserve someone thats committed to you..as you were not committed to her. I sense you are only worked up and realizing because she is now seeing someone else and I'm sure if you had another chance with her you'd do the sane thing. I imagine her heart is sads big time. As yours is seeing her with someone who will more than likely treat her better than you would.. Sorry if this dampens your spirits but you need to take responsibility for your actions and in turn face the consequences of her leaving you or you will in fact never learn. This has been a pattern for you in which only you can fix. I know you want her back and make things right....and I'll answer your questions... Leave her be Don't contact her Move on Work in your issues Maybe...just maybe when you figured your why's you repeatedly do this she maybe open to talking with you. . but my overall advise is you ****ed this one right up...
pickflicker Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I like to think I'd give a cheater a second chance, and I believe anyone can reform bad habits of they are truly remorseful - but I think even I would struggle with letting go. I'd be forever twisting the knife on myself just waiting for the next slip up. My advice would be, don't cheat on the next girl. Good luck. 1
Author Aaron8891 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 I forgot to say, we were dating a little over a year. Wow thanks for the honest replies. I know I messed up big time and I have begun working on my issues to make myself a better person, I just feel its too late and I have missed out. You may be right though, I have become very worked up since I have seen a new guy on the scene... maybe its because it sinks in that i'm losing her? I will leave her alone then, maybe i should get in contact with her once ive worked out my issues?
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 NC will work to help you heal. It will not "work" to get her back. If you want to get over her, do not call on her birthday. If you want to try to win her back, reach out. Understand if you reach out on her birthday she still may very well reject you & view your attempt as a sign of weakness which she will find very undesirable. If you do get shot down, it's really over & any further efforts to stay in touch will come across as creepy stalking. If you do get back together you are going to have earn her trust. At a minimum you should periodically offer to let her look in your phone.
Author Aaron8891 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 I want her back, I know that for sure! I just don't know when I should reach out to her. ... and how I should do it! I don't want to come across as some kind of creep... Is a week apart enough time? I don't want this other guy to swoop in and take her away before I get a shot.
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 You don't get it. If there's already a guy on the scene, you've already lost her. A long while back.... go No Contact, move on, and work on yourself, for your own benefit, not for any ulterior motive of getting her back. You slammed the door on this one.
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Tara has a point Since there is already a new guy any play to get her back has little likelihood of success but if you are going to try go big: start with flowers & a huge dramatic apology.
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Which, given recent record, she will shove straight into the bin, and blow off....
Author Aaron8891 Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 I get where you're coming from. I do feel that it may be too late to save it. However I if I am to completely move on with my life and get my head sorted I need to at least try or I will regret it even more.
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I get where you're coming from. I do feel that it may be too late to save it. However I if I am to completely move on with my life and get my head sorted I need to at least try or I will regret it even more. No. That's just selfish and disrespects her wishes. You're just pandering to your own Ego, believing you have the RIGHT to disrupt her choice. You don't. She has already made it abundantly clear where her heart lies, and that's not with you. leave her alone. 1
flight E Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Contrary to the general opinion, I think you have a good chance of getting this one back. The only drawback is the show of weakness which you are showing by pleading with her to get back. If you are emotional, go straight no contact and don't reach her until you are cool. If you are not too emotional just send her a simple happy birthday wish you the best. After that still go no contact and try to let it leak to her that you are completely unfazed that she is seeing the other guys. After that find a subtle way to start contact and take it very slow but give her time to get through the honey moon phase with this guy. Now, if u succeed. Try to treat her right by not cheating but don't become a pushover. But I feel you have a chance if you didn't show yourself as a very weak man. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I'm sorry. It's mean, but I'm trying not to laugh at all that...... 1
Mr.Pine Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Tara has a point Since there is already a new guy any play to get her back has little likelihood of success but if you are going to try go big: start with flowers & a huge dramatic apology. I have to disagree with you here. The fact that she's with a new guy clearly states that she'd rather give a new guy a first chance than him a 3rd, 4th or 5th chance. I forget which one he's on. From personal experience, flowers do not work. Apologies work even less. He messed up way too many times. How often does a guy even get a second chance with a girl after cheating? And emotional cheating at that. He blew it. Several times. His cake has left the building. He's going hungry this round.
chados Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 So her are my questions: 1) Do I have any hope of getting her back? or will she end up with this friend of hers who she has kissed as I fear they are dating now? we can't tell you wether she's coming back. it is impossible for anyone to know. what we can tell you is that the chances are always low to get back with a girl that dumped you. but you will find someone else and she is not the only one out there for you. sounds bad to hear that but it is the truth. i think that you should start understanding that your single and if she comes back you'll take it from there. if she's with a guy then you should definitely stay away and find someone that will stay with you and accept you for who you are. 2) Is this no contact going to work? and if so how long should I leave her for and how should I contact her? do it for yourself. if you're feeling happy then you can start a relationship again on good terms. there nothing worse then going back while being sad and acting like you need her to live your life. you're gonna fail miserably if you are weak when getting back together. but i bet that when you're healed you're not gonna want her back. 3) It is her birthday in 2 weeks, should I get in touch then? definitely not. she left you. she told you she didn't want you. then don't be there for her. it will only make it worse for you and for her. its not your job getting her back. she's the one who needs to get you back if she wants. and if she wants she will tell you. 4) What can I do to get her back as I am a bit lost. stay away. the best thing is to make her miss you. she's not gonna want anything back thats always there. but i would say that it doesn't sound right to go back to this woman I forgot to mention! the day after we broke up for the last time I got texts from a random phone number telling me to leave her alone or else! They wouldn't tell me who they was and when i called the phone they picked it up but wouldn't say anything.... im not sure if this was her trying playing some kind of game or she has been spreading things to her friends! well who knows? it is a very childish way to be dealing with things thats for sure.
bison67 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Literally exact same things ruined my relationship. When she ended it i was devestated, crushed emotionally, worst feeling i have ever felt. That was 3 months ago. I went NC the last 7 weeks for the wrong reasons, to have her miss me and all that garbage. In that time i did work on myself in many ways and became a better person. Until yesterday i broke NC only to hear from her directly that she has moved on, has a new boyfriend who treat her like she deserves (2 weeks haha), doest miss me or think of me anymore, and to never contact her again and leave her alone. So thats pretty much as clear as a case of closure as it gets. Time to move on. My advice to you is to maybe ask for forgiveness one more time, offer to let her check your phone, email, etc for a period of time till she trusts you again, show youll go to great lengths to never do something like that again. If she says she cant then go strict NC and move on. Its the hardest thing in the world to do, im learning that now, but its your only move.
AlphaC Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Contrary to the general opinion, I think you have a good chance of getting this one back. The only drawback is the show of weakness which you are showing by pleading with her to get back. If you are emotional, go straight no contact and don't reach her until you are cool. If you are not too emotional just send her a simple happy birthday wish you the best. After that still go no contact and try to let it leak to her that you are completely unfazed that she is seeing the other guys. After that find a subtle way to start contact and take it very slow but give her time to get through the honey moon phase with this guy. Now, if u succeed. Try to treat her right by not cheating but don't become a pushover. But I feel you have a chance if you didn't show yourself as a very weak man. I agree don't appear weak. I started dating a new girl about a month ago, I learned so much from this site to never contact my ex again after she broke up with me. Anyways, let me tell you a little bit about how girls think. My new girlfriend is part of this dance team here in West Coast. Her girlfriend (lets call her "T" for Typical woman), who is also on the team, was dating her teammate (let's call him "M" for Manly Man). While T and M were dating M messed around, cheated, text-ed and flirted with every girl he laid his eyes on. T broke up with him several times, his response to her breaking up with him was always "whatever." He never did anything to get her back, instead she came back to him because she felt she could change him, and because she started seeing him moving on to other girls!! About a year ago T breaks up with M and starts dating another guy (let's call him "S" for stupid chump). S treats T like a queen, he picks her up from work, takes her to fancy restaurants, buys her flowers and the whole 9 yards. However, a year later guess who T is still pining for? Guess which guy she is not interested in? T now sees M hooking up with all these girls during their performances and she tries to warn these new girls that M is a player, she is still in love with the guy, despite the fact that her boyfriend treats her so well. T even told my girlfriend that her man is really nice and sweet but she is just not into him, why is this, it's because she wants the player M. Player M is getting so many girls he doesn't pay T any mind - FACT!!! OP, listen man, contrary to a lot of people on these boards, if you want to get her back you have to move the hell on, get yourself a new girl and let your EX realize what she lost. Big deal you text-ed other girls, she didn't catch you in bed, she on the other hand is kissing other dudes, you need to stop taking all the blame for the break up. Stop listening to half of the advice on this site. Get real, there are girls that take back men who are banging numerous girls, what you did was send texts. The people here say that's cheating - OH PLEASE!!! She didn't break up with you because of texts, if you believe that nonsense then you belong single. Dude i have a lot of female friends, your GF didn't dump you over texts and don't try to get her back by showing her your cell phone bill with it's history, don't give her passwords to your account, just move the hell on, seriously man. When she sees you moving on she will start calling you and begging to receive a text from you. Lastly, don't take advice from other women on this site, they are all delusional and bitter for being dumped. 2
No Limit Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 She's rejecting to talk to you, distrusts you and already has a new one she's at the very least interested in. No, you've lost her so far. Should your paths ever cross again it'll be purely out of happenstance or good fortune or stuff like that, but that's not something in your control. Better luck next time.
flight E Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I agree with alpha c. Completely, the only part of this you doing wrong is becoming a sissy that women naturally hate. Move on and you might be surprised how fast she comes around
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