robaday Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Im thirty one year old man and have been dating a 29 year old woman for the last five months. We get along great and always have a nice time together. Just something doesnt feel right. We are very different in our lifestyles. She socialises every single night of the week and drinks, not much but at least 3 drinks. I am a "Reformed" party boy. I say reformed because the last year Ive been turned off by drinking completely and maybe have a few once a month. Im currently training for a marathon and am also heavily into boxing - have my first amateur fight in 3 months which means I can barely drink at all anymore as at the moment that is more important. I dont judge her for her lifestyle. Id be a hypocrite as I spent all my twenties drinking and partying and socialising. I dont think theres anything wrong with it and wouldnt dream of asking her to change for me. More that Im not sure we are a good fit as I have different priorities at the moment. Im also pretty introverted and like my downtime whereas she has to be around people a lot, not me (shes not needy) just she doesnt seem to ever spend time alone....I know opposites attract and we dont argue or anything and otherwise get along great. Just we have very different lifestyles is all. Anyone else had this?
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I was in a very similar situation except I was the one out all the time, he did bring this up when we parted ways... the way I saw it was that I was a single person and I actually would have liked to have had a relationship with him and of course I would have calmed things down for my relationship but as things stood i was a single person which does make a difference x could it be that she is just living the single life and this would be different if you were more serious? x
Never Again Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 What you do when you're not together, in all honesty, matters very little. With the information given, it's hard to say if you're compatible or not. You have different social preferences, but if her behavior isn't a turn off and you enjoy each other's company, I don't see the issue. However, it sounds like you're looking for there to be a problem. You're asking here, after all. Once you go looking for a problem instead of talking to the person you're dating...well, it's a slippery slope. For now, I'm gonna suggest doing the "unmanly" thing and going with how you FEEL not what you THINK. If you feel like this isn't working for you, talk to her or end it. Also, asking someone to compromise with you (drink/socialize a little less for the sake of the relationship) is NOT asking them to change - it's not like you'd be demanding she stop entirely. Relationships are based on compromise, so not wanting to "ask her to change for you" is, frankly, sort of an anti-confrontational cop-out. However, if you feel like things are working and you're just over-thinking things, then stop that. Do not paralyze yourself by over-analyzing and just go with it. Either way, determine it soon, otherwise you'll just be letting her bond to you further.
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Focus forward -- If you were married (or committed) & she had people over all the time or went out every night after work while you trained, would you be OK with that or would you resent her? The answer should give you insight into what to do next. However, it's unrealistic for you to expect her to change just for you, especially if you are asking her to give up her current social life without replacing it. She probably doesn't want to train to box with you & you can't expect her to just sit home while you are in training.
Author robaday Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 I would never expect her to drop the way she lives her life or to change what makes her happy. Nor would I want her to box like me:) She is who she is and I am who I am. Guess this post is more about me than her habits. Im over the party scene, and dont really like drinking anymore. And, where I live its almost socially unacceptable to not drink. Ive tried, through studying, exercise and eating out to have a much bigger social life outside of alcohol, but all my friends still go out all the time and so they should - its their choice. But, given she likes drinking out in the evenings and I dont.....how can we get around that?
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 But, given she likes drinking out in the evenings and I dont.....how can we get around that? Is there a middle ground where you would go out once or twice per week, she could go out without you once or twice & then the two of you could stay home together the other nights? Also when I say you two go out together, they don't always have to be to drinking venues.
Never Again Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 But, given she likes drinking out in the evenings and I dont.....how can we get around that? d0nnivain hit it on the head - find the middle ground. Asking her so go out less, or at least drink less, is not asking her to change any more than you occasionally going out with her (but not drinking) isn't asking you to change. You make small sacrifices and compromises for the ones you love. I'm sure she'd be glad to do what you want to do some nights if you do what she wants to do on others. There've got to be outings and activities you can enjoy together. The best way to get around it is to talk to her. Maybe find something you both enjoy to do at least once a week. A friend of mine and his wife have very few common interests, but they plan a date night once a week. He plans one week, she plans the next, and so on. They know what's "off limits" for each other, but it lets each of them have what they want at least twice a month, they get quality time together, and they give each other undivided attention for that entire night. They also have one "friend night" a week. They do what they want on those nights. Now, they'll have extra date nights and friend nights in between, but they schedule out at least one a week of each. It gives them space to do their own thing, and let's them enjoy their time together. That may not work for you, but you'll find your own dynamic. If you're interested in making it work, there's a way if you approach it together.
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