HermioneG Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I'm sorry for your losses, jb. Regarded the bolded above... this just isn't true. I am a physician, so I know something of what I am talking about here from that perspective. Short of having a hysterectomy or similar, there are no 100% guarantees that someone absolutely can't conceive. In addition, I have seen quite a few pregnancies that resulted from men who had vasectomies. The only foolproof way to avoid pregnancy is to not have intercourse. OP - I am sure this man's world is turned upside down right now. There is a chance he will come around once the baby is born, but I don't think you should count on support from him (other than financial, which he owes). So which person was lying? Holly or the doctor? Because I agree with you, the only 100% is removal of the female reproductive system or no sex. I do not think he will come around. He made it clear to her where he stands, and if I recall correctly, Holly has other children, too. I am very sorry that Holly is stressed out about this situation, but I am more concerned that her effort of emotion towards the MM will impact her unborn child. Unfortunately, he was very clear where he stood in this area. And yes, he lied to her about his feelings. Deceptive people lie. Being the other partner in a relationship where you are aware he is lying to someone else should be a red flag that his or her word is not their bond. My advice to OP- retain an attorney. And as much as you can, stop thinking about the MM. He isn't going to be a romantic factor in your life, and he isn't going to leave his current children to form a life with you and yours. It feels harsh to say, but that's the truth. 2
gettingstronger Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I am a physician, so I know something of what I am talking about here from that perspective. Short of having a hysterectomy or similar, there are no 100% guarantees that someone absolutely can't conceive. Agree- there is a lot of misinformation swirling around on this thread-I went through fertility treatment and never once did the doctor say you can not have children- But back to the topic-I believe that reality has struck this man and just like him running and having an A rather than deal with his issues, he is doing the same thing here-its a pattern, the way he handles things- I am sorry you are going through this but you have no choice but to concentrate on you and the baby-you can't change him, but you can hope he comes around for the sake of the child-
krazikat Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I am a physician, so I know something of what I am talking about here from that perspective. Short of having a hysterectomy or similar, there are no 100% guarantees that someone absolutely can't conceive. Agree- there is a lot of misinformation swirling around on this thread-I went through fertility treatment and never once did the doctor say you can not have children- But back to the topic-I believe that reality has struck this man and just like him running and having an A rather than deal with his issues, he is doing the same thing here-its a pattern, the way he handles things- I am sorry you are going through this but you have no choice but to concentrate on you and the baby-you can't change him, but you can hope he comes around for the sake of the child- What is the misinformation floating around this thread? Holly has previously acknowledged that she told mm she could not have children because that is what her doctor told her...so either the doctor misinformed Holly, or Holly lied to mm. Just because you know what you know doesnt mean mm or Holly knew if a doctor had actually told Holly that she couldnt get pregnant...if she didnt have the knowledge on her own, why would she not to believe the doctor??? 2
krazikat Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I'm sorry for your losses, jb. Regarded the bolded above... this just isn't true. I am a physician, so I know something of what I am talking about here from that perspective. Short of having a hysterectomy or similar, there are no 100% guarantees that someone absolutely can't conceive. In addition, I have seen quite a few pregnancies that resulted from men who had vasectomies. The only foolproof way to avoid pregnancy is to not have intercourse. OP - I am sure this man's world is turned upside down right now. There is a chance he will come around once the baby is born, but I don't think you should count on support from him (other than financial, which he owes). Okay, so you with your specialized training knows this...but how the heck would holly know not to believe her doctor if her doctor told her she couldnt get pregnant?
gettingstronger Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 What is the misinformation floating around this thread? Sorry, incomplete thought there-perhaps, bad word choice-my point was people are arguing if she knew/didn't know/should have known- should have said opinions rather than misinformation-the thread keeps going in the direction that she knew thats what I was referencing- anyway-the point of the thread isn't how she became pregnant but what now and I believe that she can not change him, she needs to do what she can do for her and hope that the father comes around for the sake of the child- 2
krazikat Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 What is the misinformation floating around this thread? Sorry, incomplete thought there-perhaps, bad word choice-my point was people are arguing if she knew/didn't know/should have known- should have said opinions rather than misinformation-the thread keeps going in the direction that she knew thats what I was referencing- anyway-the point of the thread isn't how she became pregnant but what now and I believe that she can not change him, she needs to do what she can do for her and hope that the father comes around for the sake of the child- Ah gotcha that makes sense. Yes, I agree with you. I understand it is natural for her to question the affair she had with him him and come to terms that he is a cheat and a liar...but he likely won't come around, will pay his court ordered support after paternity is established and move on. Unfortunately as others have mentioned, there are many parents out there who just don't care. 1
gettingstronger Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Unfortunately as others have mentioned, there are many parents out there who just don't care. Sadly, I agree- I am a teacher and I see it for too often-we have children born of affairs and ONS that have no contact at all with their Fathers- its sad that we even know the history but many (not all) times these kids have social and academic issues we must address so the family history comes to light-mostly during meetings with the Mother breaking down in tears and revealing the family history- that is why I can not stress enough that the OP must do right by herself, must become healthy and strong to raise this child- being Fatherless does not have to lead to issues if the other adults in this childs life work extra hard to overcome the hurdles-if the OP worries too much about making sure the Father does the right thing she may be putting her energy in the wrong place, it should be focused on doing right by the child- 5
WrinkledForehead Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 One fundamental thing about being a single mum that you need to learn ASAP is that you can never force a person to be a parent, even if the child carries that person's genes. That $350 could have purchased a stroller and a crib. As a single mom myself, I learned very early on the value of second hand clothes and that it is absolutely unnecessary to purchase expensive items. They will be used for only a short time. Cut your losses and focus on the baby and preparation. Let the layers and the courts handle the rest. 4
hurtnomorerika Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Op, I tried to send you a PM. I would really like to offer you words of encouragement.
Rhema Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I'm sorry to hear that you're still going thru this. I didn't see where you replied "how is he getting a lawyer involved"? I'm curioius. He doesn't sound like he interested in custody. I'm not sure how your state works, but in most states he can't get out of financially supporting the child. I just advise you to let negative comments roll off your shoulders. And try not to focus some much on him and his marriage. Invest your time into taking good care of yourself and preparing for the baby. Maybe one day he'll come around. The child isn't going anywhere, so there will be time for the drama to settle. If not, you still just make sure that the child gets all the love and attention it will need. Congrats again! I'm actually due any day now.
SoleMate Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 At Loveshack we often advise NC (No Contact) to get over failed affairs, and in your case it is triply necessary. Any contact with the exMM going forward should only be through a lawyer. Reason: Any direct contact has a high likelihood of hurting your or your daughter. Any thoughts of exMM (other than icily enforcing C/S, again through lawyers & courts) really have to be pushed out of your mind, they will only hurt you. So sorry you are in this painful situation. The thing to do is look forward to a life with no lies in it. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Okay, so you with your specialized training knows this...but how the heck would holly know not to believe her doctor if her doctor told her she couldnt get pregnant? I didn't say that she would, nor did I blame her, since my posts on this thread are in defense of her. Did she say somewhere that her doctor told her that? If so, I missed it. I thought she just made the statement that she could not conceive. I assumed there was miscommunication or misunderstanding about that.
Hope Shimmers Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 So which person was lying? Holly or the doctor? My point that I tried to make before (apparently not very well) is that no one had to be lying. Just miscommunication probably, but a million scenarios are possible and without more information it is impossible to know.
Hope Shimmers Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 What is the misinformation floating around this thread? Holly has previously acknowledged that she told mm she could not have children because that is what her doctor told her...so either the doctor misinformed Holly, or Holly lied to mm. Just because you know what you know doesnt mean mm or Holly knew if a doctor had actually told Holly that she couldnt get pregnant...if she didnt have the knowledge on her own, why would she not to believe the doctor??? Where did she ever say that her doctor told her that? Even if that is the case, it's more likely that there was miscommunication/misunderstanding versus the doctor told her something false. Doctors can be crappy communicators.
violet1 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Where did she ever say that her doctor told her that? Even if that is the case, it's more likely that there was miscommunication/misunderstanding versus the doctor told her something false. Doctors can be crappy communicators. Read her old threads. She was a surrogate mother to pay for school. I can't remember the exact story, but she had major complications and her doctor told her she wouldn't be able to have any more children.
Hope Shimmers Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Read her old threads. She was a surrogate mother to pay for school. I can't remember the exact story, but she had major complications and her doctor told her she wouldn't be able to have any more children. I read this thread. I don't have time to read back threads of everyone who posts here.... Did her doctor actually tell her "she could NEVER have any more children" or did he tell her it would be 'unlikely' that she would? Or that she 'might not be able to'? Or 'likely would not be able to'? My point was only that this gets miscommunicated very often.
SoleMate Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Holly has endometriosis and only one ovary subsequent to a previous pregnancy. This means impaired fertility but far from a guarantee. As other have noted, only complete hysterectomy can guarantee infertility.
Hope Shimmers Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Holly has endometriosis and only one ovary subsequent to a previous pregnancy. This means impaired fertility but far from a guarantee. As other have noted, only complete hysterectomy can guarantee infertility. Yep. No physician in his or her right mind would tell such a patient that they could not conceive. Many have conceived in this situation. So who knows what happened.
krazikat Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Where did she ever say that her doctor told her that? Even if that is the case, it's more likely that there was miscommunication/misunderstanding versus the doctor told her something false. Doctors can be crappy communicators. As pointed out by others, In a previous thread Holly posted that her doctor told her she couldnt have kids. She relayed this info to mm. Probably wouldnt be such a big issue if this happened with a single man but would likely still cause any man to question hollys intentions unless they heard the doc tell her that. So a very huge problem caused by miscommunication.
Hope Shimmers Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 As pointed out by others, In a previous thread Holly posted that her doctor told her she couldnt have kids. She relayed this info to mm. Probably wouldnt be such a big issue if this happened with a single man but would likely still cause any man to question hollys intentions unless they heard the doc tell her that. So a very huge problem caused by miscommunication. Moral of the story.... Holly's MM should have kept it in his pants. 2
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Moral of the story.... Holly's MM should have kept it in his pants. They both should have kept their pants on....MM didnt do it alone. 5
Hope Shimmers Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 They both should have kept their pants on....MM didnt do it alone. Of course he didn't do it alone, but the issue is that he doesn't want to take responsibility for the life he participated in creating.
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Of course he didn't do it alone, but the issue is that he doesn't want to take responsibility for the life he participated in creating. Holly knew this already and decided to continue with the pregnancy without him. He never wanted the baby. This is not news. Yeah it sucks. If sucks for the baby...and for his other children and wife. Holly cant force him to be a father. But she can force child support. She needs to move on. Stop asking why. She chose this life for her and her daughter she needs to start preparing for it and living it. 2
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