HollyGolightlly Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I'm 5 months pregnant with my ex MM's daughter. He wants absolutely nothing to do with her. I know he went back to fix his marriage with his wife- and I haven't bothered him. I have asked him to help with the crib and things, but he got a lawyer involved. I just think sometimes- Why? How did we have such a long term, passionate relationship where we were best friends to just this? How did I believe that he was leaving and I just had to be patient, like he said? Will he ever think about his (only) daughter? How does a marriage just recover over night from an 8 month long affair that resulted in a pregnancy? I just don't get it.
wanting more Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Why did he call a lawyer when you asked for a crib and things?
rumbleseat Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Simply put, you aren't " fun" anymore. When he used to think of you. It was likely that he thought if you as his escape from the reality of his life, no strings, no responsibility. Now, things are different. In the end,his feelings and motives really do not matter. Look after yourself, look after your baby and let him worry about him. 1
yellowmaverick Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Holly - First, some men, even MM who very much wanted the child, don't get that excited about the baby until he or she is born. They don't carry the baby; they don't feel the baby kicking. This may be part of the reason he is not yet excited. The obvious other reason is that he does not want the child and is upset wtih your unilateral decision to keep her. For the record, I am not disagreeing with your decision, I am just saying that he is likely not very happy about the baby. This baby will cause problems between him and his wife, who he has obviously chosen to be with, and will tie you to him for the life of the child. He likely doesn't want either of those things to happen. Too bad for the MM. He will have to help financially support his daughter. He may or may not eventually want a relationship with her. You have no control over this, so you just need to let it go. How does a marriage just recover over night from an 8 month long affair that resulted in a pregnancy? This question bothers me. First, their recovery is none of your business. Secondly, it sounds like you had hoped a pregnancy would have motivated him to leave. I hope not, for your child's sake. How did we have such a long term, passionate relationship where we were best friends to just this? Gee, I wonder, since the same thing happened to him and his wife. Do you think it has anything to do with HIM???? 4
waterwoman Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Holly, some of the replies to my thread in the infidelity forum about male attitudes to parenthood and children have forced me to see that babies are simply not as important to fathers as they are to mothers. May be your pregnancy has changed the dynamic of your relationship to the point where it is no longer appealing to him. Good luck with your baby xx
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) Holly, I dont mean to be harsh, but ive said it before to you. You told him you were not able to conceive and so no birth control was used. He trusted you, and now youre pregnant (I know ...funny thing for 2 people involved in lying and cheating trying to trust each other, but there you have it) He feels lied to, tricked and now trapped. If I was him, id think you tricked me into this. Thats also what he is telling his wife. Lets face it...its not too far from the truth. I know you both took the risk together, but he was relying on faulty, untested information. I think for him, this baby probably represents the ways he thinks you betrayed him- whether its true or not. "Only daughter"?... you are speaking as though you have provided him something his wife wouldnt/couldnt. Dont go there. You knew months ago you would be doing this alone when he asked you to terminate. So your question about how he feels about the baby: he wishes it would all go away. The lawyers is a very telling sign. Good luck with your baby Holly. She sure as hell doesnt deserve this. Edited March 15, 2014 by ThatsJustHowIRoll 14
jellybean89 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 You wrote: I just think sometimes- Why? How did we have such a long term, passionate relationship where we were best friends to just this? How did I believe that he was leaving and I just had to be patient, like he said? Will he ever think about his (only) daughter? How does a marriage just recover over night from an 8 month long affair that resulted in a pregnancy? ??? You classify an 8 month affair as a "long term, passionate relationship"? Your pregnancy will last longer than your affair. I have to agree with the previous poster thatsjusthowIroll...I think he feels like you changed the rules by getting pregnant and by choosing to have the child. He has shown you by his actions he is not interested in being a father. Believe him. You also said you "haven't bothered him" but then in the next sentence you write that you asked him to help get the crib and things. ?? How is asking him for things not bothering him? He doesn't have to help you ... but he will have to financially support his child and that can be done through the courts. 2
Author HollyGolightlly Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 Holly, I dont mean to be harsh, but ive said it before to you. You told him you were not able to conceive and so no birth control was used. He trusted you, and now youre pregnant (I know ...funny thing for 2 people involved in lying and cheating trying to trust each other, but there you have it) He feels lied to, tricked and now trapped. If I was him, id think you tricked me into this. Thats also what he is telling his wife. Lets face it...its not too far from the truth. I know you both took the risk together, but he was relying on faulty, untested information. I think for him, this baby probably represents the ways he thinks you betrayed him- whether its true or not. "Only daughter"?... you are speaking as though you have provided him something his wife wouldnt/couldnt. Dont go there. You knew months ago you would be doing this alone when he asked you to terminate. So your question about how he feels about the baby: he wishes it would all go away. The lawyers is a very telling sign. Good luck with your baby Holly. She sure as hell doesnt deserve this. Yes, only daughter, as in- He has boys, no girls. You inserted the malice behind that, not me. So, all in all, he just used me for fun? Is this what I'm getting at? And I absolutely did not trick him and I'm pretty sure he knows it, even if he doesn't. I really don't care. I knew he wasn't going to come back. In fact, I knew keeping the baby would make me no longer his "muse" but his enemy, I still kept her. So actually, keeping her spoke volumes of how much I knew he wasn't coming back. I just wanted to know what he was thinking? And whoever suggest that asking for him to help with the crib was bothering him...uhh...he is 36 years old I'm pretty sure he knew how babies were made at the time, he is responsible. I didn't do it to bother him, I did it because after forking over $350 for a stroller, I felt he should help with the crib. I honestly separate the baby and my emotions for him. If I didn't, then he would probably be walking all over me. The point of me asking is because I just wanted clarity since I can't get it from him. Was he just using me? Was the love all a facade?
jwi71 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I'm 5 months pregnant with my ex MM's daughter. He wants absolutely nothing to do with her. I know he went back to fix his marriage with his wife- and I haven't bothered him. I have asked him to help with the crib and things, but he got a lawyer involved. I just think sometimes- Why? How did we have such a long term, passionate relationship where we were best friends to just this? How did I believe that he was leaving and I just had to be patient, like he said? Will he ever think about his (only) daughter? How does a marriage just recover over night from an 8 month long affair that resulted in a pregnancy? I just don't get it. I agree. You don't get it. As you said, he wants nothing to do with his daughter. So NO, he won't think of you or her - at least not in positive terms anyway. How does a M recover overnight? It doesn't. It takes years. He has clearly made his choice - his ACTIONS PLAINLY say this. Respect it. These thought processes and Q's will solve nothing. My advice...hire a lawyer of your own seeing as he as already lawyer-ed up. Contact his atty via yours and arrange the paternity test (He'll demand one I'm sure) and then child support. I would NOT contact him - he has already lawyer-ed up. Rally friends and family around you - you'll need their support. 2
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Can't figure out how he feels about the baby Your own answers below. Sorry but his action (and non actions of being involved shows you exactly how he feels. He wants absolutely nothing to do with her. I know he went back to fix his marriage with his wife- and I haven't bothered him. I have asked him to help with the crib and things, but he got a lawyer involved. I know this hurts you, you had hopes and he let you down. He chose to walk away and wants nothing to do with you and the baby. I just think sometimes- Why? How did we have such a long term, passionate relationship where we were best friends to just this? How did I believe that he was leaving and I just had to be patient, like he said? Will he ever think about his (only) daughter? How does a marriage just recover over night from an 8 month long affair that resulted in a pregnancy? I just don't get it. Because he is a liar, a cheater and someone who thought he'd never be in the situation he is in now, a child on the way with the OW and hiding it from his wife. He bailed on you, big time and sadly (if this is true?) you did not use BC and told him you couldn't get pregnant, but you are. He felt lied to and manipulated, forced into fatherhood with you and as painful as this is to you, he may not have been invested in you and the A as much as you were into him. He future faked and said all the right things for a while but once you got pregnant, it fell apart which means he loves himself and his life at home more. Please focus on your pregnancy, stay healthy, look after yourself and leave him alone. Once your baby is born, talk to your lawyer and get child support. Don't try to woo him back for yourself or woo him into your baby's life. IF the time comes he wants to be a part of her life, he will but he can't be forced by you to do so. 4
Hope Shimmers Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I have to agree with the previous poster thatsjusthowIroll...I think he feels like you changed the rules by getting pregnant and by choosing to have the child. Sorry, but too bad, so sad for him. He makes up half the gene pool of this child. He has shown you by his actions he is not interested in being a father. Believe him. Tough cookies for him, because guess what. He IS a father. He should not have stuck his penis in her vagina. That would have been the ultimate method to avoid this happening. This is a particularly tough topic for me, because I lost my baby daughter (ex-MM was the father) who was born at five months and died of prematurity and I had the same questions as she does. I was completely alone during the entire process. I had the same questions. How can he not care? 3
rumbleseat Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 By the very act of having an A, This man has shown just how much he cares about the well being of his children. He is willing to risk it for his own pleasures. I don't know why the OP thinks it will be any different with her. 4
Poppy's sister Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Hi Holly, Lovely name btw , I think some of the replies are a bit harsh, you sound kind of young...and you are facing being a single mother ...that's tough. Sadly if you told him you couldn't conceive and then you did, well either you genuinely made a mistake, and I hope that this the case and you are pleased in one respect that you can have this child. But you must see it from his side, if he had been told that you didn't think you could conceive but there is always that chance of a " miracle" then he could have made an informed choice about birth control. It is very sad that, if you genuinely , didn't believe you had any chance of conceiving that he believes you tricked him. He does not have to be involved , he has not lied to you about this, but he should be making financial arrangements. As for promises of leaving to be with you....well I am afraid things said in the heat of a passionate affair ...are just that...words with no substance or real value. He may well think about the baby and you from time to time, he would be an unbelievable human being if he didn't, but you won't know this, and as much as I am sure you hope he will turn up at the hospital bearing a huge pink teddy when the baby is here, it seems very unlikely. I agree with the poster who said, get a lawyer, get financial support for your daughter, he owes HER that. In the end he is losing out on the chance of a relationship with his daughter, he will one day regret this, however you have a chance now to make a great life for you and her and hopefully find a relationship on equal terms, someone is out there who will want you and will want to be your little girl's daddy. But it ain't this cad who gets a lawyer involved without trying to sort of his financial responsibilities himself. Good luck with the pregnancy . 1
veggirl Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I'd stop worrying about this because you'll never get a real answer, people here can speculate and tbh they are likely right that he just wishes it would go away. Focus on your pregnancy and maybe...how you'll explain to your daughter how she came about someday 3
Helen A Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I think a lot of the replies are harsh Holly, I remember how emotional I was when I was preg, you don't feel like you normally do. How is your pregnancy going? How are you feeling? I'm with you I don't get how he can just work on his marriage and not want nothing to do with his little girl. Some people eh. You may not feel like it now but you will be fine. You do amazing without him and you'll have a beautiful baby girl which is a blessing, although they can be hard work they're so worth it. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy. Who knows what MM will do? Time will show you whether or not he does care - but maybe just maybe if he leaves it too long you won't anymore . Good luck xx. 2
krazikat Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Yes, only daughter, as in- He has boys, no girls. You inserted the malice behind that, not me. So, all in all, he just used me for fun? Is this what I'm getting at? And I absolutely did not trick him and I'm pretty sure he knows it, even if he doesn't. I really don't care. I knew he wasn't going to come back. In fact, I knew keeping the baby would make me no longer his "muse" but his enemy, I still kept her. So actually, keeping her spoke volumes of how much I knew he wasn't coming back. I just wanted to know what he was thinking? And whoever suggest that asking for him to help with the crib was bothering him...uhh...he is 36 years old I'm pretty sure he knew how babies were made at the time, he is responsible. I didn't do it to bother him, I did it because after forking over $350 for a stroller, I felt he should help with the crib. I honestly separate the baby and my emotions for him. If I didn't, then he would probably be walking all over me. The point of me asking is because I just wanted clarity since I can't get it from him. Was he just using me? Was the love all a facade? Holly, gently...you chose to have a baby he did not want and had thought could not be conceived. He can be made to pay child support thru the courts, but you choosing to buy a $350 stroller is a choice you made. The are cheaper strollers. You chose that one. The courts will determine what he contributes in support and once that is established you can budget out those funds for the purchases you want to make. Situations like this should be a warning to every man out there...if you dont want a baby, dont rely on what the woman is telling you, wrap it up. Because once that woman is pregnant, the man has no say. 11
myname Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Hi holly Hope all's well with the pregnancy Sorry for how MM is being, I understand as I'm in a similar position, 6 months pregnant with absolutely no support, and with my MM he wanted me to be pregnant, and still would say he wants the child, but as he's not even seen me for 2 months cos his wife might get suspicious it looks to me like I am on my own. It's hard to deal with, scary and upsetting... Hope you're doing ok.
violet1 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Holly, First of all, I hate it when someone says a woman traps a man with pregnancy. If a man doesn't want a baby than he needs to not have sex or wrap it up. I remember your story very well. If your exMM didn't want a baby conceived from an A than he shouldn't have had an A. One person is not more at fault than the other. I'm sorry he's not showing much interest. Unfortunately, he probably never will. However, he will be forced to pay you child support. I know it's hard to hear, but he's a cheater. He didn't love you and never had intentions of leaving his wife. He said what you wanted to hear to get you in bed. That doesn't matter though. You need to take care of YOU and that precious baby. You can do this! 2
veryhappy Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 (edited) If I were to guess he's hoping on some level that you and th baby will disappear. Many men are cowards and he is scared out of his mind about what this will do to his warm little life. Working on his M? Oh please allow me to laugh hysterically! With a secret baby about to be born? He's delusional. He's going to work hard and long once the W finds out about the baby; extra points if a girl was something that she particularly wanted. So...plan your legal route, you'll get money once the baby is born and stop thinking you'll get him to be cooperant. By the way, you can wait getting the crib until the baby is 4-6 months old. Focus on what's important and a perfect nuserry when the baby arrives is not. Try to enjoy life right now because you are living the best pregnancy days. I know it's hard to wrap your head around it, but this guy won't be there for you or for your daughter. Build your support system because you need one. Ask friends and relatives for help because you need it, especially emotionally. Edited March 16, 2014 by cutedragon
jellybean89 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Sorry, but too bad, so sad for him. He makes up half the gene pool of this child. Tough cookies for him, because guess what. He IS a father. He should not have stuck his penis in her vagina. That would have been the ultimate method to avoid this happening. This is a particularly tough topic for me, because I lost my baby daughter (ex-MM was the father) who was born at five months and died of prematurity and I had the same questions as she does. I was completely alone during the entire process. I had the same questions. How can he not care? I understand you are upset Hope. I'm sorry this is triggering you There are fathers out in the world who just don't care! Fathers who are married/were married to the mothers of their children. There are mothers out there who just don't care. I don't know why - I am not one of them. I don't understand it anymore than you do. But -- in THIS situation, the OP told the MM she could not get pregnant. She either lied to him, or was lied to by her doctor. So in THIS situation, him sticking his penis in her vagina was for pleasure, not procreation because she told him she couldn't procreate. I know what it is like to lose a child too. I also deal with losing a 3 year old child in addition to a child that wasn't born yet. 1
jellybean89 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Holly, gently...you chose to have a baby he did not want and had thought could not be conceived. He can be made to pay child support thru the courts, but you choosing to buy a $350 stroller is a choice you made. The are cheaper strollers. You chose that one. The courts will determine what he contributes in support and once that is established you can budget out those funds for the purchases you want to make. Situations like this should be a warning to every man out there...if you dont want a baby, dont rely on what the woman is telling you, wrap it up. Because once that woman is pregnant, the man has no say. Very good post krazikat. No one is trying to be harsh; at least not from my read of this thread. People are responding to posts with their opinions. None of us know what this xMM is thinking. But he has shown from his actions he isn't interested and there is nothing the OP can do about that. I do think it a bit much to spend $350 for a stroller! Goodness, that's equivalent to a crib cost. He doesn't owe you anything outside of child support. That is what he is legally required to do. I have a friend whose son is an adult. His parents were married when he was conceived and born. They divorced when he was 5. Since then both is parents have remarried and his stepfather is the dad he has never had...see, his dad lives 10 minutes from his only child (the son) and he has had him overnight 4 times from age 5 to 20. FOUR times. His father is an butt hole and my friend has had to endure years of late child support payments and the father's decision to not help support his son except for the court mandated child support (at $300 a month) and the mother never once raised the support in the 13 years she was entitled to raise it. The father makes $60K a year and he never paid a dime more than his support (not for sports, senior year pictures/graduation announcements/senior year expenses; contacts/glasses; etc). My friend was entitled to 1/2 of the medical costs but never once pursued it as the child's father made it clear he would not pay a dime over the c/s. He hasn't been in touch with his son in 1.5 years! What kind of father does this? This was a man who wanted a family! Thank goodness he never had any more kids with his 2nd wife. My entire point is -- this was a married couple who willingly had a child..and the father is a POS. There are MANY men like him and there are many women like him. In your situation, there was never any talk of raising a child together and he was told you could not have kids. I'm sorry for the hurt his actions have done to you and for the hurt it will cause your daughter as she grows up. With any luck, maybe one day she will have a stepdad in her life who is the dad she deserves. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I'm sorry for your losses, jb. But -- in THIS situation, the OP told the MM she could not get pregnant. She either lied to him, or was lied to by her doctor. So in THIS situation, him sticking his penis in her vagina was for pleasure, not procreation because she told him she couldn't procreate. Regarded the bolded above... this just isn't true. I am a physician, so I know something of what I am talking about here from that perspective. Short of having a hysterectomy or similar, there are no 100% guarantees that someone absolutely can't conceive. In addition, I have seen quite a few pregnancies that resulted from men who had vasectomies. The only foolproof way to avoid pregnancy is to not have intercourse. OP - I am sure this man's world is turned upside down right now. There is a chance he will come around once the baby is born, but I don't think you should count on support from him (other than financial, which he owes). 1
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Holly...I was not trying to hurt you, but yes, I am rather blunt...so im going to say this.... You need to stop looking backwards and start looking forwards....whatever your motivations, and truth of the situation surrounding the pregnancy was...there is no point dwelling. A baby will be here in 4 months. A baby you chose to have, despite knowing the father wanted nothing to do with it. You chose this life for you and your baby. Now you will need to step up and be mother AND father for this baby. You need resources, and tools and support to navigate your way, not just through single parenting, because you already do that with your other children, but coming up with a plan for making this baby's life as rich as possible in the hope that thety dont feel the sting of their father's abandonment in years to come. He is gone. He is reconciling with his wife. He responded to your request for help with a lawyer. That had to hurt, but its telling you something very specific. He is gone. You need to respond with a lawyer. I hope at this stage you have researched enough that you will be ready to file for child support as soon as baby is born. You need to consider how you will raise your daughter with its current family dynamic. I seem to remember that you have two children whose father is wonderful and has shared custody. What are you planning for your daughter when your olderchildren go to Their fathers, but your daughter does not. I would suggest doing some reading and research on the subject. Do you have any trustworthy males in your life - a father, brother, cousin, uncle or friend - who can step into a surrogate type of role, and be a positive male influence in her life? A 'godfather' type role? Forget him. His loss. Move forward. Plan the life that you want for you and your children. Call on people you can rely on for support (that obviously isnt MM) and just make it happen. Its going to be tough..so muster all the help you can find. I honestly wish your baby all the very best. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I think a lot of the replies are harsh Holly, I remember how emotional I was when I was preg, you don't feel like you normally do. I completely agree. It is an incredibly difficult position to be in. It was the worst time of my life.
MissBee Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I think it's like my signature says unfortunately, lust looks like love until it's time to sacrifice or similarly, secret affair relationships can look like love when they are compartmentalized and still an aside to the person's "regular life", but you see how things REALLY are when there is a dday, things come to a head, it's time to sacrifice or it gains real responsibilities and repercussions. I don't think MM even necessarily do this on purpose, I think for some of them it really is all fun and games and they on some level buy into their own fantasy that they will leave but then when reality hits, it also affects them and they change their minds or start to see things differently. It's very unfortunate esp in your case where now a baby who didn't ask for this is involved, but what is done is done and all you can do is focus on yourself and her and how to make a life with MM potentially out of the picture. It won't be easy and I am genuinely sorry about this, I can only imagine. But you will come out the other side of this. ((hugs))
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