Next step?

[Me. Myself and I]

Hello there!

I’m looking for some advice… Others perspective on my situation with my ex. I typically over analyze things and think my emotions are getting in the way. To cut a long story short…. I’d been with my ex for almost three years. We hit it off straight away. Lived together for a year and a half. I messed up badly! I suffered from severe depression and anxiety which took a nasty grip on me and the relationship which in turn killed what we had.

 

He left me. I made the mistake of crying and pleading to get him back. At the time I thought I needed him more than I wanted to be with him. Almost 5 months down the line and we are talking again.

He doesn’t initiate contact but responds in a positive way and is keen to keep the conversation going.

I made the mistake of rushing in to my feelings and apologized for my behavior and asked for another chance.

 

He said if anything was to happen we would have to be friends first. I tried that but was too emotionally involved. He has told me he doesn’t want a relationship at the moment. He always says at the moment. he doesn’t know if he loves me and he doesn’t know if there’s a chance in the future ( his response is how am I supposed to know that) I’ve asked him if he would prefer me to move on and he says I don’t know. I think so. I left it a week to give him some space. I realise that I pushed things too far. I text him yesterday asking ho he was and got a response straight away.

 

We just talked for a while about his day and his family. Then I ended the conversation. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve used the time to improve myself. He says I’ve changed and he doesn’t recognise me. Also that he thinks we are different people now. I don’t know what to do? To me he is the one. We worked well together before all this and brought out the best in each other. It’s hard for me to let this one go. Right now we should be in the house we were buying and enjoying life together.

 

I get a gut feeling that he still has some feelings. He’s also said he’s not looking for anyone else.

During the time apart I’ve beat my depression and become a happier healthier person but he doesn’t see this. I’ve read a book called “the rules” too I’ve pinpointed everything I’ve done wrong.

 

I feel a fool for how I acted towards the end of the relationship. Any advice would be appreciated here.

Thank you

Edited March 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Me. Myself and I]

Anyone?????

We are talking as friends. He knows this isn't what I want... Is he responding because he thinks we could reconnect? Or is it a case that he's just waiting for me to move on and leave him alone??

[Me. Myself and I]

Despite trying to keep my distance. I lost it this morning.

I asked him if I feels things are completely over between us.

He said he thinks so and doesn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment. I asked if we could see how we are in a few months... He said yea maybe but I don't want to hold you back from being happy with anyone else. He says he doesn't think about us anymore. I asked if he feels like there will never be a chance for us and he said I don't know how I'll feel. I asked if by him saying he doesn't want to stop me finding someone else meant he wanted me too. He said if you like someone go for it because I can't tell how I'll feel.

I asked if we could meet up at the end of the month and see how we are. He said maybe let's just see how we feel nearer the time I guess. I left the conversation telling him I'll give him some space until then. I'm not sure what all this means

Edited March 16, 2014 by Me. Myself and I
Typo

[Poppyolive]

I'm pretty sure it means its over. He's moved on....you should to....don't contact him...because to me its sounds like you're harassing him...you want me back? When...next week? End of the month? Why? You're pushing him away.

[Mr.Pine]

Ok, MMI. Let me break it down for you. Since I am a guy and have been in a similar situation as you are now since I was the one that was pushing my gf away, I will tell you what's going on...

 

He is banging someone else. End of story.

 

Most guys like to juggle several girls at once, but because he is not allowing you into the juggle mix, he is no longer attracted to you and is trying real hard to let you down easy.

 

You're going to have to look deep for that dignity and self-respect. It's no easy task, but has to be done. He already cares less for you than the piece of arsewipe he just wiped his crack with. He is over you. Over the relationship and on to other things.

 

Now, go NC, never look back, and once that other girl dumps him, he'll ring you up, or like I do, send an email, and you'll decide then what to do.

[KaliLove]

Gently, it means the relationship is over. I don't think he wants to hurt you, but it doesn't sound like he's interested in a romantic relationship with you now or ever, and it's not healthy to continue to remain in contact with him because you'll just keep getting your hopes up.

 

Time to go NC.

[sooshi]

I agree with Kali. It seems like you only want to be in a relationship with him and that it's your intention of being in his life. Let him be. I know it's so much harder said than done but keeping in contact with him will make it harder for you. Like Kali said, you'll just keep getting your hopes up. If you're completely okay with being friends and potentially never being in a romantic relationship with him again, then you can stay in his life. Otherwise, you will need to back away. I know that's hard to hear, but it really will help you heal and move on more quickly and more easily than if you stayed in his life. I imagine that way the way you've been asking him these questions a lot is also pushing him away. It's not healthy for you.

[Me. Myself and I]

The other day things got a bit heated. I've been crying non stop for the past few days. I only ever wanted to know if I stood a chance later down the line. Because as stupid as this seems I would wait until he felt he had enough "him" time. He took things the wrong way and said let's call it then. You want an answer now and I don't know if my feeling will change so let's call it..... I told him I was sorry and he wouldn't respond so like a crazy person sent him more texts. I've left him alone for the last few days. I'm so confused. I've spent the last two nights unable to sleep and have been in such dark places. I feel like he has been feeding me breadcrumbs. I don't know if he's truly just wanting some time to him self of he just doesn't want me anymore..... He has said, as I've mentioned that he wants to concentrate on his self for a while and says he's happier now than he was towards the end of the relationship. He's said that he doesn't want a relationship at the moment including anyone else.

I can't understand why previously he was ok responding to me, even having some banter. Talking about his day and family... Or even met up with me??? Why would someone do that if they weren't interested anymore???? I've just had a text from his mum saying sorry it didn't work out and I'm in tears

[Me. Myself and I]

Ok, MMI. Let me break it down for you. Since I am a guy and have been in a similar situation as you are now since I was the one that was pushing my gf away, I will tell you what's going on...

 

He is banging someone else. End of story.

 

Most guys like to juggle several girls at once, but because he is not allowing you into the juggle mix, he is no longer attracted to you and is trying real hard to let you down easy.

 

You're going to have to look deep for that dignity and self-respect. It's no easy task, but has to be done. He already cares less for you than the piece of arsewipe he just wiped his crack with. He is over you. Over the relationship and on to other things.

 

Now, go NC, never look back, and once that other girl dumps him, he'll ring you up, or like I do, send an email, and you'll decide then what to do.

 

Thank you for your advice. I truly believe no one else is involved. I've had on good word that he hasn't even dated anyone else.... It's hard to believe that I mean nothing to him anymore.... We were suppose to be buying a house together and spoke about the future. So I think he was as serious as I was at one point??

[Me. Myself and I]

Gently, it means the relationship is over. I don't think he wants to hurt you, but it doesn't sound like he's interested in a romantic relationship with you now or ever, and it's not healthy to continue to remain in contact with him because you'll just keep getting your hopes up.

 

Time to go NC.

 

If he's trying not to hurt me. He's going the wrong way about it. I am getting my hopes us. It's so hard. All I wanted to know was if we stood a chance of reconciling.... But he won't give me a straight yes or no. He just says I don't know and I don't know if my feelings will change. I'm just concentrating on me right now....

[mtnbiker3000]

He is banging someone else. End of story.

 

Possibly...

 

Most guys like to juggle several girls at once, but because he is not allowing you into the juggle mix, he is no longer attracted to you and is trying real hard to let you down easy.

 

Wow. Not so much. Maybe young, immature guys. I'm picturing Frat boys when reading this...

[KaliLove]

If he's trying not to hurt me. He's going the wrong way about it. I am getting my hopes us. It's so hard. All I wanted to know was if we stood a chance of reconciling.... But he won't give me a straight yes or no. He just says I don't know and I don't know if my feelings will change. I'm just concentrating on me right now....

 

Gently again..I don't think he wanted you to get your hopes up. He felt bad, and he didn't want to just disappear when you were so upset. He did go about it the wrong way because he shouldn't have continued talking to you, but I don't believe it was malicious on his part.

 

I'm sorry, but you pushed, and you got your answer. He's called it. It's over. It's time to start healing.

 

Good luck to you, and stick around. There are some really lovely people on LS.

[Me. Myself and I]

Gently again..I don't think he wanted you to get your hopes up. He felt bad, and he didn't want to just disappear when you were so upset. He did go about it the wrong way because he shouldn't have continued talking to you, but I don't believe it was malicious on his part.

 

I'm sorry, but you pushed, and you got your answer. He's called it. It's over. It's time to start healing.

 

Good luck to you, and stick around. There are some really lovely people on LS.

 

Thank you

I wished if that was the case that he just stayed away. I wonder if he may change his mind in saying let's call it. I guess I just thought he hadn't given up on me since we were still talking ok. This guy was the one for me so it was hard to control my emotions. Even now if I hear a car pull up outside I wonder if it will be him. Maybe after leaving him alone he could change his mind. Never say never... Right?

[KaliLove]

Thank you

I wished if that was the case that he just stayed away. I wonder if he may change his mind in saying let's call it. I guess I just thought he hadn't given up on me since we were still talking ok. This guy was the one for me so it was hard to control my emotions. Even now if I hear a car pull up outside I wonder if it will be him. Maybe after leaving him alone he could change his mind. Never say never... Right?

 

Thinking that way is not going to help you get over him, which is what you need to do right now.

 

He hasn't given up on you, he knows that things won't work out right now and he's doing what's best for both of you. Him continuing to talk to you was pity, not love.

 

There's no such thing as 'the one'. There are lots of people for everyone.

[melell]

I feel like you are under-valuing yourself.

 

"The Rules" is not something I would recommend anyone reading, we did quite a bit on it at uni- it actively promotes putting someone on a pedestal at the detriment of the female. I really do think that following 'The Rules' essentially makes people lose respect for you more than anything else.

 

You really need to move on so you can look at this rationally- from what you have said he is the worthy person, and you are the worthless one- scrambling to show him different. Regardless of what happens, that mentality won't produce a good outcome.

 

Give yourself some credit, and make changes for you, not for anyone else.

 

 

For anyone unfamiliar with The Rules it is a relationship guide from the 90's that says things like 'if your partner said they would be home at 5, and you spent the day slaving away at cooking him dinner, but he never came home, go clean your bathroom and forget about it-always smile and encourage him'.

Or, be as vacant and aloof as possible, never show any emotion, never complain, never debate, don't expect anything etc, promising that the result will be 'complete happiness'.

[mtnbiker3000]

For anyone unfamiliar with The Rules it is a relationship guide from the 90's that says things like 'if your partner said they would be home at 5, and you spent the day slaving away at cooking him dinner, but he never came home, go clean your bathroom and forget about it-always smile and encourage him'.

Or, be as vacant and aloof as possible, never show any emotion, never complain, never debate, don't expect anything etc, promising that the result will be 'complete happiness'.

 

Barf

[Me. Myself and I]

Thanks everyone.

I went to see him today. I don't know why. Maybe for closure. Maybe thinking I could change his mind. Bottom line is he told me I am not a priority in his life. He has no feelings for me and never will. He said that as far as he is concerned I'm the past and that's where I will stay. He said he does want to eventually settle down but not with me. As I heard these word while I say crying in a heap of mess. I realised that I really didn't mean anything more to him. He said he only met and spoke to me because he was unsure. Now he is.

After he explained that to me he said you can go now. I left an utter mess. I packed the last of his things and took them round. His mum answered and ultimately said he doesn't love you anymore. But sometimes it takes for someone to give up before they want you back. This upset me further.

As for pride I don't have that anymore. It's gone. I have been undervaluing myself. My self esteem is shot. I actually feel worthless. I guess now I actually have a straight answer I can begin the next chapter. It's going to be a tough one. I wish I could have been level headed in this but no one wants to believe that they mean nothing to someone who once loved them. Yes I should have seen the signs. Yes I should have respected myself to say that's enough. I didn't want to see it. It's clearer now than ever. I wish I dealt with it in a different way.

[Me. Myself and I]

Right! After packing the last of his things and taking them round. I had a text at 3 in the morning... He's been out drinking. He messaged me saying he still wants to see the dog and that he doesn't want me getting any ideas if he's about.

He reconfirmed that he is done with us and that he doesn't want to see me upset. (Bit too late for that!) he said there is a difference with him being done with us and him being around and tormenting me.

I got so angry with this, he already tormented me by saying "oh if anything is to happen we would have to be friends" and staying in contact while he was unsure of what he wanted. I felt this lead me on a little.

I responded to his text late in the afternoon and let everything out.

I told him he had already hurt me by giving up and walking out. That we will always conflict on what each of us means by this because we are in different places. I also said that it was clear that he didn't want me anymore and I told him that if that's how he feels, it's not someone is like to see in my future. I told him I officially give up. I believed I was fighting for a reason. But have come to realise I'm worth more and that I don't want a relationship with him. I'm so angry in the way things have panned out. It's wrecked my head. Obviously he didn't respond to me. Now I'm regretting saying what I did. I still think a part of me is in denial. I can't get my head round what we had vs him feeling nothing.

I hate this up and down emotion ride. Why can't I just move on???

Edited March 20, 2014 by Me. Myself and I

[KaliLove]

YOUCH!!! What a mean, nasty iceberg this guy is! You TOTALLY dodged a massive bullet. Trust me, I've been in a relationship with an ice cold butt hole before and it is NOT fun.

[Me. Myself and I]

YOUCH!!! What a mean, nasty iceberg this guy is! You TOTALLY dodged a massive bullet. Trust me, I've been in a relationship with an ice cold butt hole before and it is NOT fun.

 

I hope I can see this at some point. It doesn't stop the pain though. I don't know why this guy has a grip on me still. I undervalued myself throughout the relationship massively. I made him the centre of my world. Which was a big mistake.

[KaliLove]

I hope I can see this at some point. It doesn't stop the pain though. I don't know why this guy has a grip on me still. I undervalued myself throughout the relationship massively. I made him the centre of my world. Which was a big mistake.

 

You just answered your own question. He still has a grip on you because you made him the center of your world. Now you have to focus on making YOU the center of your world again. That's how it should be.

[sooshi]

MMI, I can see clearly that I too made my ex(fiance) the center of my world, pretty much. I tolerated a lot that I know I wouldn't have tolerated if it were anyone else. You and I... well, we deserve to be respected and to be truly valued and cared for.

 

The things that your ex told you when you went to see him are hurtful and just so MEAN! I'm so sorry you were told those things. He doesn't deserve to be in your life. I agree with Kali that you totally dodged a bullet with him. I know it's hard to let go because he meant soooo much to you and he was SUCH a priority for you (you've helped me realize why it's so hard for me to let go of my own ex). Now it's time to focus on us, girl!!

[Me. Myself and I]

MMI, I can see clearly that I too made my ex(fiance) the center of my world, pretty much. I tolerated a lot that I know I wouldn't have tolerated if it were anyone else. You and I... well, we deserve to be respected and to be truly valued and cared for.

 

The things that your ex told you when you went to see him are hurtful and just so MEAN! I'm so sorry you were told those things. He doesn't deserve to be in your life. I agree with Kali that you totally dodged a bullet with him. I know it's hard to let go because he meant soooo much to you and he was SUCH a priority for you (you've helped me realize why it's so hard for me to let go of my own ex). Now it's time to focus on us, girl!!

 

 

Is funny how love can make you put someone else before your own needs. My biggest crime was loving too much.

I felt strong earlier after standing my ground yesterday. Now I feel lonely and just tearful. I'm going through the what ifs... Even though he's made it clear to me he doesn't see a future with me. It's tearing me to pieces. I still feel the need to try and get him to see what we had was worth trying again for. It's pathetic. I'm sat here in my car on the side of the road just crying. I don't know how to handle these emotional waves.

[Me. Myself and I]

Is it stupid that even after all this. I still hope one day he will change his mind?

Everything feels like day one of the break up again. I still feel like fighting because I believed what we had was so real. This was the person I was spending the rest of my life with. We'd made future plans...I can't get through it in my head.

[numbers]

MMI, I understand what you are going through. Breakups are painful andthe healing process takes a long time.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me after 5 years together. I truly loved him and I believe that during the course of the relationship, he loved me as well. We made plans for a future together. We were convinced we would marry each other.

 

People change. Life circumstances change. A series of unfortunate events and circumstances led to the break up which caught me completely off guard. As you may guess, I had a more difficult time accepting the break up.

 

After a period of denial, I also made the classic mistakes. I cried, yelled, and pleaded for another chance in the future. All I got in return was breadcrumbs. He just wanted to be friends. He repeated the same reasons and excuses again and again. Nothing I said would change his mind. In fact, the more I begged for answers, the further I pushed him away. I eventually accepted the break up but I was still hoping for a future reconciliation. In my naivety it all made sense; we had a really great relationship so we must end up together. I won't get into more details what I learned next but all my hopes were shattered in an instant.

 

One day I came to the realization that I was clinging on to the ghost of my ex. The person I loved changed. He changed into someone that was no longer compatible with me. I was so hurt by him after the break up because I felt like he was so cold and indifferent towards me. I couldn't understand at the time why he could treat me that way. I realized that it was because he is a different person. You need to accept that he is no longerthe person you loved. Think about the things he said to you after the breakup. Is that what the person you loved would've said to you? The answer is no. And deep down, can you love someone that treats you like that?

 

I'm sure he truly loved you at one point and you two shared something genuine. But the fact is, the person you loved is no longer there and you need to learn to accept this and move on.

 

In order to let go, you need to start work on respecting and loving yourself. You need to stop allowing yourself to be hurt by your ex. No one with self respect would ever subject themselves to these situations. This means the pleading, the begging, and the crying... itall needs to stop. The process to heal is slow but it will happen, but only if you allow it. I went through emotional waves as well. Sometimes I felt like I completely moved on only to fall back to square one the next day. Setbacks are completely normal but you need to pick yourself backup. Take one small step at a time and set small goals for yourself.

 

To start off, begin “no contact” with him. No contact is only for you and don’t think of it as a tool to get your ex back. You can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t love you back. You’ll only hurt yourself and prolong the healing process. You mentioned that you had depression and anxiety. You need to continue working on this. You need to fully and completely heal.

 

Pick up a new hobby. Meet some new friends. Learn something new. For me, my friends really helped me and for that I am forever grateful. They were always there for me when I suffered an emotional setback.

 

Stop thinking of the what if’s and hopes of reconciliation. They will not help you heal. You and your ex will likely continue to change as people and who knows, maybe one day you will end up together if you believe that you two truly shared something special. However now is not the time. The person that you are and the person your ex has become are not compatible. Any reconciliation will not work out. Worry about yourself first and foremost and become a truly happier and more confident individual. Only then could any chance of reconciliation happen. And you know what? You might just end up with someone else that is better than your ex and more worthy of your love.

 

It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel in these moments at this stage. I still go through these moments here and there. You can’t plan your life around the hope that you two will reconcile. It’s just not worth it. What if he marries the next girl he dates three years down the line. You would’ve wasted three years of your own life. Don’t let that happen to you.