I ended things today, I think I'm love bipolar

[BUBS]

Since my ex fiance left in Oct 2012, I have been a mess. I can say that there are plenty of times I still miss it, more so for the feeling of wholeness I had, and my own innocence that I feel was robbed of me and my ability to love whole heartily.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months today. The thing is I really can't pin point why exactly I did it. I care about him, in so many ways he helped to pull me out of my rut. I think I'm just incapable of not sabotaging my present in fear of my future.

 

I am constantly associating the relationship with the idea that one day I'll have wasted years just like with my ex only to end up heart broken. So I find small things he does that come off like triggers that will eventually ruin me or us, and I use those to leave him.

 

I'm ashamed of myself. I am a woman of faith, and I saw this as a blessing, as grace... and I think I have a problem. I did this in all of my relationships in a lot of ways, I am very short tempered, and in a way as much as I hate this quality, I think that since my ex left me and broke my spirits... I cause this chaos to see someone make it seem like I'm worth it.

 

The guy I was dating that I just broke up with is a good guy. Hes younger than me, which tends to add fuel to my fire when I envision spending my life with him, there's qualities I can't relate to, but I know that he will grow out of a lot of it. He really cares, I know this, and I hate that I'm hurting him, and that I'm ruining my chances of having a stable relationship.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. He's friends with my friends, and when I break up with him and on and off I get pressured to just end it for good so I don't string him along. To be honest, I've known most of my friends since I was a kid, and I have felt like throughout my entire relationship with this guy even when he did do things wrong, they've been on his side.

 

I calmed down, and as much as there are issues to deal with, a part of me wonders why for one, I'm continuously trying to ruin things that are really good for me and my life, over the fear that they wont be in the future, but also it makes me question whether or not my friends are really my friends, because they say the same thing " We just don't want to see you go on for another 3 years and then have the same thing happen and see him being a mess over it"... its like they are protecting him which I get, but after what they saw my ex do to me, you'd think they'd want me to be with a good guy who actually values me, and loves me to death.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm too damaged to ever be stable or give myself to someone without sabotaging it.

[Hoosfoos]

I feel bad for him, you just wasted 7 months of his life. There were no real issues in the relationship and yet you dont know why you dumped him. Maybe you're not ready to date yet.

[DontBreakEven]

Your friends saw what your exfiance did to you, and don't want you doing that to another person. That is why they are protecting this "good guy who loves you to death" that you are so flippant about. You should really try therapy and find out why you do this. I agree with above poster. You wasted 7 months of HIS life. It's not all about YOU.

[BUBS]

I've spent a great deal of time in this thread, and I tend to see a universal response when someone posts regarding ending things with someone else, no matter what the reason. I appreciate your responses, despite being a little black and white with no regard to most of the things I mentioned. I apologize maybe I didn't explain well enough.

[sooshi]

It sounds like you were probably never ready to date or be with someone since your ex-fiance left. You weren't ready to be in a relationship with this guy. It's understandable that your friends are being protective, but this is your relationship. You need to treat it with care, with responsibility.

 

Yes, this guy really cares about you. But you're simply not ready. You never moved on from the loss of your ex-fiance. Broken engagements are hard, I know. My ex-fiance left me at the end of December and he doesn't talk to me anymore. It's hard to lose someone you love so deeply. It's hard to move on from that. It's hard to think it won't happen again.

 

But if you're with someone again, focus on the present, not on what happened in the past and allowing that to make you feel afraid. It's a new relationship. It's a new chance.

[DontBreakEven]

I've spent a great deal of time in this thread, and I tend to see a universal response when someone posts regarding ending things with someone else, no matter what the reason. I appreciate your responses, despite being a little black and white with no regard to most of the things I mentioned. I apologize maybe I didn't explain well enough.

 

I read it. And I get the reason. The thing that rubbed me the wrong way was you getting irritated with your friends sticking up for HIS feelings. Your friends probably just realize what you are realizing - that you are no longer emotionally stable (for whatever reason in your past), and the relationships you choose to get into, you are sabotaging and hurting someone in the process. That is not fair. You even recognize that you have issues. You are not forever damaged .. you just need some serious therapy before you try and bring someone into your life in an intimate setting again.

[ThorntonMelon]

Since my ex fiance left in Oct 2012, I have been a mess. I can say that there are plenty of times I still miss it, more so for the feeling of wholeness I had, and my own innocence that I feel was robbed of me and my ability to love whole heartily.

 

I think we all have had the feeling in our lives of that feeling of innocence - what I'd suggest to you is that mine occurred while I was married with kids. I had to deal with the loss of my dreams in a situation where to fix the situation I had to change my kids lives forever. Not saying your situation is easy or better, but just giving a little perspective.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months today. The thing is I really can't pin point why exactly I did it. I care about him, in so many ways he helped to pull me out of my rut. I think I'm just incapable of not sabotaging my present in fear of my future.

 

I am constantly associating the relationship with the idea that one day I'll have wasted years just like with my ex only to end up heart broken. So I find small things he does that come off like triggers that will eventually ruin me or us, and I use those to leave him.

 

There's no doubt that you have tremendous fear of being destroyed again, and have huge walls up around your heart. The real question is can you see your life without him in it? If you can, you did him a favor, if you can't, then you need to do some serious work on yourself. Only you can answer that question.

 

I'm ashamed of myself. I am a woman of faith, and I saw this as a blessing, as grace... and I think I have a problem. I did this in all of my relationships in a lot of ways, I am very short tempered, and in a way as much as I hate this quality, I think that since my ex left me and broke my spirits... I cause this chaos to see someone make it seem like I'm worth it.

 

Plenty of people cause drama to see if their partner will fight for them. So long as you know the consequences (every time you do it, you weaken the relationship, even if just a little bit each time)

 

The guy I was dating that I just broke up with is a good guy. Hes younger than me, which tends to add fuel to my fire when I envision spending my life with him, there's qualities I can't relate to, but I know that he will grow out of a lot of it. He really cares, I know this, and I hate that I'm hurting him, and that I'm ruining my chances of having a stable relationship.

 

Again, you're all over the place here - do you want to be with him or not? Just because he's a nice guy who cares about you doesn't mean you have to be with him if he doesn't light your fire.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. He's friends with my friends, and when I break up with him and on and off I get pressured to just end it for good so I don't string him along. To be honest, I've known most of my friends since I was a kid, and I have felt like throughout my entire relationship with this guy even when he did do things wrong, they've been on his side.

 

Honestly you're just playing victim here. They're seeing you behave in a way they disagree with and they're calling you out. Sounds like good friends to me. You seem to want a rubber stamp to behave in a way that harms others.

 

I calmed down, and as much as there are issues to deal with, a part of me wonders why for one, I'm continuously trying to ruin things that are really good for me and my life, over the fear that they wont be in the future, but also it makes me question whether or not my friends are really my friends, because they say the same thing " We just don't want to see you go on for another 3 years and then have the same thing happen and see him being a mess over it"... its like they are protecting him which I get, but after what they saw my ex do to me, you'd think they'd want me to be with a good guy who actually values me, and loves me to death.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm too damaged to ever be stable or give myself to someone without sabotaging it.

 

Again, a lot of victim here. They're thrilled to see you with this guy. You have decided that you don't want to be with him - you're sure as hell not acting like you do. So they're telling you to either treat him right or stop torturing him.

 

I would bet that you have no clue the impact of your off/on behavior has on him. You've certainly minimized it in this posting. They're being friends to both of you.

 

I apologize if this is harsh, but I've been the guy on the other end, having just tried to do the right thing only to be beaten down again and again by someone who claims to love me but can't treat me that way.

 

Do him a favor. Stay broken up unless you will treat him the way he deserves.

 

And go easy on yourself - you obviously have a lot of scars left to heal, and life does a great job healing them, just try to behave in a way you can be proud of.

[lofi_tokyo]

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm too damaged to ever be stable or give myself to someone without sabotaging it.

 

Bubs,

 

First off - you are not damaged. We all have things to work on, and although you have baggage, who doesn't? Forgive yourself.

 

Secondly - maybe the little things that were bothering you were enough to warrant a breakup, even if they didn't seem that bad. My first boyfriend left me for someone else and I felt robbed because I gave him all I had. In my second major relationship, I lived in constant fear of being left again - much as you described - I didn't want to waste more time. I found faults, and I blamed myself for finding them. I was broken. I needed to fix myself and stop finding faults. So every time my 2nd boyfriend did something that I did not like - I blamed myself. After YEARS of this, I realized I had slowly but surely solidified my place in an abusive relationship. It sucked. I left about 8 months ago.

 

It's possible you're finding small reasons to not like him that maybe tie into your past dating history. I suspect there's some element of that. HOWEVER, it is also very possible that you broke up for little reasons that may seem small but are entirely fair reasons to leave someone.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much, okay? If you want to work on yourself, keep posting here, take some tips from others, or better yet seek out a therapist. It doesn't mean you're broken - it means you want to better yourself... and everyone could stand to do that.

[lofi_tokyo]

I've spent a great deal of time in this thread, and I tend to see a universal response when someone posts regarding ending things with someone else, no matter what the reason. I appreciate your responses, despite being a little black and white with no regard to most of the things I mentioned. I apologize maybe I didn't explain well enough.

 

I agree with you Bubs! A lot of people here are hurting from being broken up with, and are perhaps seeking a reflection of their own past relationship in the posts of others. They're looking to commiserate.

 

It can be very difficult to get support for leaving a relationship as a result, as people prefer to remind dumpers of how they are the causers of hurt, but in the process they forget that dumpers have feelings too.

 

I'm not convinced you wasted his time. I think part of this is genuinely you dating a guy for a little while, realizing there were some problems, and thinking you should go before you invest too much time in a problematic relationship.

 

There may be some residual problems from how you were hurt previously, but I doubt that's the sum of who you are and why you act as you do.

[CaliBabe]

You should seek professional help, I think it will benefit you.