I'd love some .

[strategicalmapper]

EDIT: Title was supposed to read "I'd love some advice."

 

Okay, so I've been seeing this girl for about a month, maybe 2 now, not sure. Now, I don't normally have emotional reactions to people, I'm quite analytical with my relationships and most of my friendships have been built up and maintained since early childhood. It's bad, I know, but it's just the way I am. I normally have very physical, fleeting flings with women, keeping them in a very fixed position with walls between us and after a few weeks it tends to find an amicable end. I like it like that though, it allows me to focus on my career, hobbies, family and friendships.

 

That said. I'm not a robot. I have fallen in love twice before and had one long and successful relationship, which is still strong as a friendship.

 

Anyway, the night I met this girl, it happened. Instant rapport. Hyper-compatibility. Intense attraction to a person, as a person, for who that person is. The click. The sense of recognition.

 

So we started seeing each other. I've never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. Started sleeping together after about 2 weeks, which is kind of a big deal to me because, I actually didn't mind, I just liked seeing her and would have been happy to wait much longer.

 

Within 3-4 weeks I had told her more than I had my previous actual girlfriend in as many years. She was the same. One night she was laying next to me and just opened right up for a couple of hours straight, told me a lot of things she'd been too scared to talk about with anyone else except her mother, then starting crying tears of happiness. It was an intense moment, the first of it's kind for me.

 

But the last couple of weeks there seems to have been a change. I've only seen her once in this time, she has cancelled every other plan made and I only realized last night she hasn't been asking to see me, it's been all me making the plans. Also, just in her correspondence, where we were previously enjoying coming up with novel and outrageously witty pet names for each other, now every second or third text might include a "hun" or "darl".

 

So I told her last night that if her feelings were changing towards me I would hope she can talk to me about it and that I'd respect her all the same if she did. She told me that she's just going through some things and that her feelings hadn't changed, I told her that it was fine, that I was here if she needed me and that she didn't need to worry about how to fit me into it, to just take the time she needs for herself and I'll be here for support if she needs it. She said thanks. But it was a very impersonal, off handed thanks.

 

But I mean. You know? I can't stop thinking about it. I really thought we had something special here and it feels like it's just not doing it for her anymore.

 

I first noticed it last time I saw her. Something just changed. She stopped being as affectionate the last few hours I was with her.

 

I keep wondering if I've done something wrong. Right now I'm listening to a song that she played the night we met and it just feels like that was an eternity ago, and such a perfect memory for me.

 

I've not been investing as much in myself since I met her, because I'm really busy working hard to move myself up in station at a new job, putting in massive hours and when I get time, all I want to do is see her. So I've not been going to the gym or playing cards or any of my other hobbies and I'm wondering whether that has shown in my character somehow? Maybe I've been to available and it's just all got too intense too quickly? Maybe I'm not as happy or energetic now as I was when I first met her, not because of the high of meeting her, but because I was simply enjoying my own life more?

 

Also, the sex has taken a massive downturn after what was an initial explosion of passion. I'm normally quite expressive in the bedroom, I like to do whatever comes to me in the moment. As a result I can get quite verbose and dominant, but I'm also quite emotional. I surprise myself, and I like it like that. She pulled me up on something that I have never had any complaints about in the past though, something I consider quite normal, and it's made me become more "aware" I guess? Like, less present or in the moment? Wondering whether what I do will offend her?

 

I don't know. This is the price I pay for never attempting to date. Not knowing how to navigate the territory between physical, fun based relationships and mature, working partnerships.

 

At the moment I'm of the mind to just back off, give her space, and if she still isn't displaying any desire to make time for me in a week then just allow myself to go through the grieving process and get back to living my own life.

 

But given she is suffering through a patch of depression, I don't know whether that is just selfish of me?

Edited March 15, 2014 by strategicalmapper

[Tina747]

I had to read through your post twice to see if I could find a hint of what went wrong... what stood out is this...

 

"One night she was laying next to me and just opened right up for a couple of hours straight, told me a lot of things she'd been too scared to talk about with anyone else except her mother, then starting crying tears of happiness. It was an intense moment, the first of it's kind for me."

 

It could be she opened up way too much way too soon (or you both did) and she is feeling too vulnerable now... sounds like things between you escalated emotionally and physically very fast.. and she got cold feet?

 

You did give her an out and she did not take it... but I also would not let her string you a long for too long.. I think you are right on in giving her some space, about a week, and if you don't hear from her... move on. by the way, I don't think you did anything wrong... you were just being yourself. if she doesn't appreciate you, that is her loss.

[strategicalmapper]

Thanks for your advice Tina, I really appreciate it. Logically, space seems to be the best option. It just really sucks that I may well not be seeing her anymore, given that this kind of reaction to someone is so rare and cherishable to me, but I suppose you're right and there isn't really much to be done.

 

You don't think the depression is a bigger factor though? That's a real concern of mine, if I distance myself only for her emotional state to improve it could leave her feeling betrayal for my leaving while she was in a time of need...

 

But then surely you could say that if she were interested in me enough the prospect of seeing each other should brighten her up long enough to at least meet up...

 

And I suppose it can't be a terrific sign that she's still been making time for her friends in this period... Even attending a party...

 

Hmm...

[OhThatGirl]

You're right. This isn't a good sign.. But you already know what to do. Give her space, let her come back when/if she is ready.

 

I hate to say it but if she is still going out with friends and partying it sounds like she's not necessarily having a hard time but rather something is causing her to back off. Without hearing it from her though, it's hard to know. Maybe the thing in the bedroom she called you on is something she finds incompatible with her style, maybe she got too emotionally involved too quickly, maybe she hadn't moved on enough from a previous relationship. Who knows.

 

But an important thing to consider is that you shouldn't have let your own life take a backseat to this girl! Keep this in mind for the future (or if you two continue to see each other).. Never flake on the rest of your life for a partner. Your involvement in those things happened when she became interested and if she is a decent girl she will want you to continue doing those things.

 

Good luck. I wish you the best. But definitely give her time and space, see if she comes to you to talk about it.

[strategicalmapper]

But an important thing to consider is that you shouldn't have let your own life take a backseat to this girl! Keep this in mind for the future (or if you two continue to see each other).. Never flake on the rest of your life for a partner. Your involvement in those things happened when she became interested and if she is a decent girl she will want you to continue doing those things.

QUOTE]

 

You are so right on this point. I'm not normally the type to fall into this trap, but I'm smitten with the young women and I have so little free time at the moment that when it's come to a decision of self investment or seeing her I've just opted for her every time, given I only get a couple of chances a week to see her. Perhaps I should put a cap on it. Work out a schedule that actually includes my hobbies so that I Know what days I'm free or not and just stick to it.

 

Thanks for your input too, it has been helpful. I'm going to proceed with the space plan and organize a sparring session for first thing tomorrow morning.